I want to address some things from your last couple of posts at length, and I think it will help you feel better about things, or at least, maybe make peace with them. I hope so.
For you to feel the urge and just let go because you're wearing a diaper and you're comfy is absolutely NOT wrong. It is a practical decision, and in no way means you have a fetish. You're not hurting anyone, including yourself, and you may be helping yourself. Let me give my rationale for saying so.
You face a dual challenge, as a result of your traumas. The physical challenge is that you have been injured in such a way that your bladder no longer functions reliably. This may or may not heal over time; it seems like the damage is neurological, not muscular. I base this on your statements to the effect that you can technically hold it, but your bladder is bad at telling you when it needs to go. The consensus seems to be that nerve damage generally does not reverse, but there have been notable exceptions to this. It is conceivable that in time, you may find that your bladder starts giving you clearer signals again, and you are able to regain normal bladder function. There is likely nothing to do on this other than wait and see.
In the meantime, forcing yourself to clench hold to the bursting point because of fear that your bladder will leak on you can have serious effects on the musculature involved. While it is true that the muscles need some exercise to remain strong, it is equally true that constant overexertion, as it seems you've been doing, will potentially damage them, and you may end up with musculature problems perched atop the neurological ones. If your nerves eventually heal, but you've damaged the muscles, you may find that you're not much, if any, ahead. This is part of why I was so urgent about getting you in diapers 24/7. You need to stop overstressing the muscles involved, so that they don't get damaged.
The other part of why I was so urgent about getting you in diapers 24/7 is that you have an emotional challenge, but sadly, it is by far the more complex part of the puzzle, and there is no easy answer. You are understandably unwilling to simply wet your pants, or the bed, or the couch, etc., and understandably afraid of doing so, and the obvious solution is simply to wear a diaper all the time. This is an excellent solution practically, addressing all of those problems, and also the need to be able to relax, not overstrain your bladder and pelvic muscles, and get the good, healing sleep you so desperately need. You also have trauma induced fears related to your intimate area, which are aided by the sense of shielding that wearing a diaper gives. So far, everything about 24/7 diaper wearing is a win..... But of course, that's not everything. Your "parent" was extremely cruel, and gave you psychological trauma related to wearing a diaper, which, piled on by other rude relatives and a lingering social stigma, makes the idea of wearing diapers itself horrifying. You are afraid that you will be criticized if you wear diapers 24/7. You are afraid of having to wear diapers 24/7 for the rest of your life, and afraid that if you do now, you're always going to need them. I'm basically spelling this out to make sure I really understand all the dynamics here. Correct me if I've gotten anything incorrect.
I am going to take a fairly controversial position here, one which I know contradicts what Diaperman95, whom I greatly respect, said. I don't think that your primary focus should be on the physiological aspects of this. I think for right now, you should focus on getting diapers that work for you, let the diapers do their job, and just relax and heal. It is possible that what little control you still have you will lose, but it is also possible that you would have lost it anyway, but with more pain and suffering on the journey. I think it is also possible that by allowing yourself to properly rest, and not overstraining yourself in mind or body, you will be able to heal, and eventually your body will work more like it once did. I am very concerned about the damage you've been doing to your emotions and body desperately clinging to an amount of control which is not enough to really be useful, since you have to cause yourself pain and injury to have it be of any use at all, and even then, it's still not reliable.
I know that coping with all this will require adaptation beyond the physical act of wearing diapers 24/7. Your emotions are going to be a roller coaster. I wish I could say some magic words to relieve your fear of criticism, but I know that it isn't that simple. But, people who love you will accept you in diapers. You didn't ask to be molested, or assaulted. This was all done to you, and doing what you must to cope with the effects of that is the only reasonable thing to do. You are an amazing woman, and a survivor on so many levels. Don't let the opinions of cruel people define your life. In so very many ways, including literally, this is not worth losing sleep over.
There is another thread about "The Dance," or trying to make it to the toilet, not making it most of the time, and the frustration that results. I like what hbic60 said: "I fully understand and had the same thoughts at the beginning of my IC. But it took not too long for me to accept my new condition. I stopped trying to rush to the bathroom with every urge coming up and - more and more often - simply used my protection I have to wear anyway. This brought me a lot of peace and comfort and enhanced my quality of life quite a lot. Whom does it make happy to try to use the toilet under all circumstances?" You can read his entire post here:
https://www.adisc.org/forum/threads/the-dance.183225/post-2442968 But I'd like you to think about that question: Whom does it make happy to try to use the toilet under all circumstances? People who are rude to you? I'm sure they'll be rude to you about something else, if not diapers. Again, those who love you will love you in diapers.
It may sound like I'm recommending you give up the idea of ever having useful bladder control again. If you decide that that would be the best thing for your own health, mental and physical, I would be supportive of that. But I'm not necessarily recommending it. Clearly you would like to get it back at some point, so what I would recommend is to monitor your bladder. Don't try to force it to do anything at all for, say, the next two weeks, and see what it does. See if you're feeling the urge to go more often, or less often. Two weeks will not significantly affect your muscle tone, but may give you an idea of where the neurological aspects of things are going. Maybe carry a little notepad, write down the date, and make hash marks every time you feel the urge to go. Just go in your diaper, for now, unless a toilet is very convenient and you feel like getting there, but most importantly note that you did actually get that cue. The nervous system is very affected by things like sleep deprivation and dehydration. It is possible that after resting well and being properly hydrated, even for a short period of time, you may see an increase in the effectiveness of those signals reaching your brain. This may provide at least a bit of a guess at what the future of your needs might be, but two weeks is a drop in the bucket compared to the three years you've already been dealing with this. Still, it gives a plan with a date.
I can't see your future. I don't know if 24/7 diapers are a short or a lifelong part of your future. Only God knows that. But I know that you can live a full and happy life either way. God will be with you through whatever you must face, and He will give you the strength you need, and He can give you peace and joy on top of it. I'm asking Him to give you those things, and I believe He will!
. Luckily I had a towel on from the shower.
and just to double check, ok to leave it on and not change till the morning? During the day, I’ll set a reminder to go check the wetness indicator. Due to all the injuries, only way I can tell if I have a wet diaper was to feel the wetness. Which rarely happens with the diapers I have
diapered before I left the house. Today is going to be hard. Out in the field so nervous people will notice. But breathing through it
