Very Very Angry Right Now - Help

[FatalGeometry]

I hope today is going better for you, and you are feeling calmer today. Sometimes we need to vent, as a way of releasing stress. But it can be exhausting.

It’s an irony of life that when we need help the most, that’s the hardest time to ask for it. This is true of anyone. And asking for help is not easy.

The practice, if you will, is to have various strategies in place which prevent you from reaching this state. We may not need to use them all the time, just when things start to get stressed, but not this bad. Although I appreciate it can swing from nothing to everything very quickly.

We are different people, so it’s natural for us that we may need different strategies in place. But I will say that not that long ago, I was a lot like you, trying to fit in and be ‘normal’ but it was very hard for me, and it caused me a lot of stress and anxiety.
It took me time to develop the tools I need to help balance my thoughts, and there are many out there. But I’ll give you three rules of thumb.

1. Don’t feel bad or ‘weak’ for having or needing coping mechanisms. Everyone has them, whether they realise it or not.

2. Focus on the result, rather than the process - as long as the strategy works, it’s valid and that’s great.

3. Don’t dismiss something unless you’ve tried it, and it didn’t work. If it didn’t, move onto the next one.

Right now, I’d go back to student services and ask if you can have another assistant - you can simply say it wasn’t working out and you don’t need to give details why.

And think again on what I said about tax relief - diapers are a medical device and you have a medical diagnosis of autism. And because you’re buying them for your personal use, it would qualify. You wouldn’t be committing tax fraud.

Now before you dismiss what I say again, think about this - what if your autism made you have a shy bladder? Or have anxiety about public toilets? Even if your urinary system worked well, but your autism was causing a mental barrier, it would still be a valid medical issue.

I am not saying you should wear diapers full-time. I am simply saying you should make things easier for yourself, rather than make things harder for yourself than you need to be.

Thanks for that Dino. I apologise if my responses yesterday were a bit excessively aggressive in tone. I shouldn't have responded to you like that when you weren't the one being insensitive.

I don't feel weak for the coping mechanisms, though I acknowledge that they annoy NT people a lot. I wish my tics and stims were less annoying to people or that people could tolerate it, but such is life.

And I wasn't dismissing the meditation without trying it, though I appreciate that my original response may have had that implication, it was not intended. I've spent hours trying guided meditation with therapists but it never really worked for me. I just couldn't sit still for that long without doing anything.

I have actually today been given a temporary mentor who I will have weekly meetings with to discuss taking steps towards making me more independent, focusing on small improvements rather than instantly chasing perfection.

Also, I have been thinking about the medical use more and more. I do have what could be considered a shy bladder. I have never used a toilet at a friend's house before, and I try to hold for as long as I can when on holidays and such. Back at home (not at University), there is only one toilet in the house I use. At University I only use the toilet in my room, never any others across the campus. I really don't like them. I've previously gone in a bush on the side of a motorway to avoid using the toilets at a service station, even just to pee. See I can't really pee that well standing up. My body just doesn't like to do it, and (attempting to not give too much info), it can often result in a bit of a mess. Nothing major, but still something I have to clean up. I suppose in this way I could consider diapers or at least an incontinence type product to be more important to me. I know of some people who have prescription diapers and I doubt I'd be able to get them for these relatively small issues (and they wouldn't be cute and pink anyway so what's the point?), but you're right I probably do qualify for VAT exemption. It doesn't solve the money issue but it does make it much better.

And regarding full-time wearing, oh boy how I'd love to. I really would. Unfortunately I don't think I'd ever feel confident enough to unless I was incontinent as that is the perfect reason that would avoid almost all discrimination against me for being diapered.

You've been really kind to me, probably more so than my original angry outbursts deserved. Thank you. Much love <3

 

[caitianx]

I just need to vent. I haven't worn in 6 months, yet I've been craving it every single day. I finally started putting my plan into place to be able to wear again a few weeks ago and last weekend I made my order with NRU.

Since then I've been so excited about it that I haven't been able to sleep, only getting around 2 hours each night. I've also been unable to attend my University lectures since ordering because my excitement about this has been uncontrollable. If I went to any lectures people would definitely find out because I'm uncontrollably energised.

I've just had the notification this morning that despite paying for premium next day delivery, my order will not be getting delivered today as arranged but instead will deliver tomorrow. The reason: the pickup point I selected is full. Why DPD couldn't have told me that or at least let me choose a different one to keep them being delivered today I will never understand. But now I'm pissed.

Because the one day delivery delay is disastrous for me. That's another night of almost no sleep when I normally need 9 hours. That's another day of missed lectures because if I went in I would surely let something slip. That's a further 24 hours of being completely restless and feeling like I'm going insane. Genuinely, yesterday was horrible for me. Way too tired but unable to do anything about it, full of energy, autism ticking the word "diaper" constantly, just feeling like am absolute mess of a human and being unable to regulate any of my emotions. The only thing keeping me going was the promise of the diapers but now that's changed, and what if the pickup point is still full tomorrow? I can't wait any longer than that without tearing myself apart.

Everything was perfectly planned and now it's all falling apart, and my autistic brain can't handle the change and is now going ballistic. I feel like I'm about to have a psychotic episode. I have so many important things happening tomorrow that I really can't afford to miss but now I fear I will have to unless I can stop reflexively muttering about diapers. And to make it worse, my parents are coming to see me on Thursday. If I can't stop unconsciously talking about diapers by then they're gonna find out and will probably never speak to me again. It's all going to hell and I can't cope with it. I feel entirely trapped and helpless right now with the only solution unavailable due to factors outside of my control. I've contacted NRU and there's nothing they can do.

Someone please help me. I feel like I'm going crazy right now from all the stress and worry. And I'm worried I might just cancel the order altogether in a moment of panic once I inevitably once again come to think that this is disgusting and wrong. I've been fighting off the controlling side of myself for over a month trying to get this done and he's about to win. Please. I don't know what to do.

Hmm?
Sounds like you are in meltdown mode.
Being Autistic myself, I still have meltdowns at my age of 65.
I just go into "SPOCK" mode, until the meltdown passes.

 

[FatalGeometry]

Hmm?
Sounds like you are in meltdown mode.
Being Autistic myself, I still have meltdowns at my age of 65.
I just go into "SPOCK" mode, until the meltdown passes.

Yes I was just in a meltdown, but it's all over now. I've just picked up the parcel.

What is "SPOCK" mode? Is it related to the Star Trek character, and if so, how? (Sorry I don't know much about Star Trek, but I'm interested to see if it might be something that I also do.

 

[LuckyRed23]

I've spent hours trying guided meditation with therapists but it never really worked for me. I just couldn't sit still for that long without doing anything.

Completely unrelated to the rest of your post but have you tried yoga? I also struggled with guided meditation as I felt fidgety and awkward, yoga retains that breathe work and the meditation state of letting thoughts arrive and go, but your not required to sit still. Also helps with achy muscles too!

 

[foxkits]

That was needlessly rude. Tell me you don't understand ND people without telling me you don't understand ND people.

I don't f***ing know how I'm gonna cope, okay? I really don't. Most weeks I struggle so much with executive function and similar issues that I don't eat for days because I just forget to or am just unable to for some reason. Eating, sleeping, bathing, cleaning, laundry, cooking, self-care, studying. It's all inconsistent as balls because I just can't cope. I was born into a world where I can't survive because NT people see my intellect and assume that I can function perfectly fine and thus I don't get any support with any of it. I had to wait months for my disability aid money to come through when others who applied after me had theirs done in under a week.

But yeah, I guess I'm just an imbecile.

I've only ever been employed once before, for a few months before getting laid off for not working enough shifts. I was on a 0 hour contract at a company where they had full time staff booked for every shift, and nobody was booking annual leave. It would have been physically impossible for me to work enough to not get laid off. But I didn't get this explained to me for years. I simply received an email informing me that my employment had been terminated, no reason, no communication, nothing. I don't know if I'm gonna be able to get a job ever, or buy or rent property ever, or be a "fully functioning member of society" EVER.

I guess I'm just an imbecile.

I succeeded in school because I had support. There were people around me that could help me out with the things I could not do on my own. I was among the top 50 students in my city for GCSEs, because I had support. I'm intelligent, I just struggle with some more practical things.

I suppose maybe I am just an imbecile.

After all, how can someone in a wheelchair ever live a full life without use of their legs? Or a blind person without use of their eyes? Or a deaf person without the use of their ears? How can anyone with any form of genetic condition, injury, impairment, or otherwise ever cope in society if they are just worse? Are we all imbeciles? Or just the mentally disabled? Should I just give up now before I even have a chance to try to adapt? DOES LEARNING NOT EXIST?

I've only been living alone for 5 months. 5 months. Do you seriously expect me to have all my shit together already? Are you kidding? Almost nobody from my generation has all their kit in order at 18. I may be worse than most, but that does not remove my ability to improve. Honestly, the fact that you are on a forum with so many ND people surprises me. ABDLs are much more commonly autistic than the general population, so why are you a member of a forum filled with imbeciles?

Quite frankly, your reply was ableist and unnecessarily rude. Stop trying to assume what I can and can't do. Stop trying to tell me that I can't have a regular life if I'm this RETARDED. Is that a word you'd use for me? I'm familiar enough with it. It refers someone who is mentally slow, so yeah, I suppose I am just an imbecile. Go ahead and disregard everything I ever say feel or do. It's not of importance anyway, considering I'm disabled.

You need a job you can work from home. No you are not a imbecile .
I have come to know that not everyone fits into a round peg or square round one. But in the world not everyone understands this.
I have a friend that can't work with any one he is intelligent but doesn't have the skills to he is that different.
He doesn't fit. Not everyone does.
One job is medical Data trans scription work from home.
There are others along the same line.computer work too.
If you get the right one you can still wear while your home.
Don't beat yourself up.
There are work arounds you just need to find them.

 

[BunnyFofo]

I just need to vent. I haven't worn in 6 months, yet I've been craving it every single day. I finally started putting my plan into place to be able to wear again a few weeks ago and last weekend I made my order with NRU.

Since then I've been so excited about it that I haven't been able to sleep, only getting around 2 hours each night. I've also been unable to attend my University lectures since ordering because my excitement about this has been uncontrollable. If I went to any lectures people would definitely find out because I'm uncontrollably energised.

I've just had the notification this morning that despite paying for premium next day delivery, my order will not be getting delivered today as arranged but instead will deliver tomorrow. The reason: the pickup point I selected is full. Why DPD couldn't have told me that or at least let me choose a different one to keep them being delivered today I will never understand. But now I'm pissed.

Because the one day delivery delay is disastrous for me. That's another night of almost no sleep when I normally need 9 hours. That's another day of missed lectures because if I went in I would surely let something slip. That's a further 24 hours of being completely restless and feeling like I'm going insane. Genuinely, yesterday was horrible for me. Way too tired but unable to do anything about it, full of energy, autism ticking the word "diaper" constantly, just feeling like am absolute mess of a human and being unable to regulate any of my emotions. The only thing keeping me going was the promise of the diapers but now that's changed, and what if the pickup point is still full tomorrow? I can't wait any longer than that without tearing myself apart.

Everything was perfectly planned and now it's all falling apart, and my autistic brain can't handle the change and is now going ballistic. I feel like I'm about to have a psychotic episode. I have so many important things happening tomorrow that I really can't afford to miss but now I fear I will have to unless I can stop reflexively muttering about diapers. And to make it worse, my parents are coming to see me on Thursday. If I can't stop unconsciously talking about diapers by then they're gonna find out and will probably never speak to me again. It's all going to hell and I can't cope with it. I feel entirely trapped and helpless right now with the only solution unavailable due to factors outside of my control. I've contacted NRU and there's nothing they can do.

Someone please help me. I feel like I'm going crazy right now from all the stress and worry. And I'm worried I might just cancel the order altogether in a moment of panic once I inevitably once again come to think that this is disgusting and wrong. I've been fighting off the controlling side of myself for over a month trying to get this done and he's about to win. Please. I don't know what to do.

This isn't a criticism of you or anything, and I did see this discussed by yourself and others -
but if you've been getting only 2 hours of sleep every day for weeks at a time for _any_ reason, that's a whole separate issue which is serious and you should address that.
The lack of sleep, feelings of excitement/energy and stress are all something you should tell a doctor about asap if you haven't already.

A few ideas, just throwing them out there:

• Have you tried cloth diapers? Those could be a useful fallback if you ever can't afford disposables or they arrive late. If you buy flat or prefolds + plastic pants, they should last basically forever.
• You may want to try over the counter or rx medications for the sleep problems alone, such as melatonin, or diphenhydramine (brand names: Allermax, Banophen, Benadryl).
• Again: talk to a doctor about this ASAP. It's possible you may have undiagnosed conditions besides autism, which may be treatable in some way that hasn't been tried yet. At the very least, get something to help you sleep. 2 hours is not enough and you should absolutely not feel energized with two hours of sleep.

 

[FatalGeometry]

This isn't a criticism of you or anything, and I did see this discussed by yourself and others -
but if you've been getting only 2 hours of sleep every day for weeks at a time for _any_ reason, that's a whole separate issue which is serious and you should address that.
The lack of sleep, feelings of excitement/energy and stress are all something you should tell a doctor about asap if you haven't already.

A few ideas, just throwing them out there:

• Have you tried cloth diapers? Those could be a useful fallback if you ever can't afford disposables or they arrive late. If you buy flat or prefolds + plastic pants, they should last basically forever.
• You may want to try over the counter or rx medications for the sleep problems alone, such as melatonin, or diphenhydramine (brand names: Allermax, Banophen, Benadryl).
• Again: talk to a doctor about this ASAP. It's possible you may have undiagnosed conditions besides autism, which may be treatable in some way that hasn't been tried yet. At the very least, get something to help you sleep. 2 hours is not enough and you should absolutely not feel energized with two hours of sleep.

The sleep is partially caused by excitement for the diapers, partially by eating problems. I used to binge eat and stress eat a lot so I put on weight, then starved myself to lose it, and now I'm so comfortable with being hungry from eating only 1 meal per day for so long that I often forget to eat because I can't always realise when I'm hungry.

Cloth diapers, training pants, and plastic pants are all things that I am considering. I agree they would be useful, but they are larger long-term ownership items. When I go back and forth from Uni at holiday times there would be a risk of my parents opening my luggage to find them so I'd make sure I have a proper system for hiding them beforehand. Disposables are easy because you don't keep them forever. I have a pacifier also but that's small and can stay on my person in a small pocket. Cloth diapers, training pants, and plastic pants are all larger, and the latter is substantially louder. I would really like to get some of them, particularly training pants and plastic pants, but that's something to think about in the future. I don't think I'm prepared enough for that yet.

As for meds, I really don't like taking stuff. I don't drink alcohol, don't drink coffee, don't smoke or vape, and besides paracetamol and antibiotics I've never taken anything in my life. I know they could help, but since the sleep is likely a symptom of a different issue that is fixable without medicating I am hesitant to take them due to how they can mess with your body and your brain. And that's not a misinformed conclusion, I'm a Chemistry student with a background in Biology. I just wanna be safe with everything, only taking any potentially mood altering drugs unless I absolutely have to.

Thanks for the suggestions though. I'll bear them in mind for the future. For now, if you're at all interested in hearing about my experiences wearing again after nothing for 6 months (and even then I only wore maybe 3 times total), drop me a follow. I'll be looking to blog a couple of times a day.

 

[FatalGeometry]

Completely unrelated to the rest of your post but have you tried yoga? I also struggled with guided meditation as I felt fidgety and awkward, yoga retains that breathe work and the meditation state of letting thoughts arrive and go, but your not required to sit still. Also helps with achy muscles too!

I haven't tried yoga before. I have my doubts about it though, but I'm open to trying it. I am one of the least flexible people you could find anywhere though, so if I were to take it up it'd be pain for the first few weeks I imagine. But I'll consider it. Thanks for the suggestion. Much love <3

 

[PassiveRenegade]

Is it possible to do a next day amazon delivery of some cheep dipers?
Still means waiting a day but at least they will arrive at your home. No going out to a store, minimal human contact. Amazon are relatively reliant. (Hopefully they aren't a problem in your area)
So if DPD bail on you again you at least have something. It may be a good idea to keep some cheap pull ups or dipers about. That way it may help calm and slowly ground you into thinking that what your doing isn't that bad.

 

[FatalGeometry]

You need a job you can work from home. No you are not a imbecile .
I have come to know that not everyone fits into a round peg or square round one. But in the world not everyone understands this.
I have a friend that can't work with any one he is intelligent but doesn't have the skills to he is that different.
He doesn't fit. Not everyone does.
One job is medical Data trans scription work from home.
There are others along the same line.computer work too.
If you get the right one you can still wear while your home.
Don't beat yourself up.
There are work arounds you just need to find them.

I'm fully aware of all of this. I probably should have used a /s tag for it, but that post was mostly sarcasm and pointing out the absurdity of his point. I did go off a bit there, probably too much.

But I don't want to work from home. I long to teach. It is my dream. I'd give up diapers for it. Heck I might even give up on love for it, that's how badly I want to teach, and you can't be an excellent teacher remotely, you gotta be there to interact with the kids.

Currently my plan is University Lecturer, but I could see myself working in Secondary Schools too. University Lecturer would pay more, Secondary School Teacher would be more rewarding, at least for me. I'd love to be able to give ND kids like me a better setup for independent living, and I want to push for regaining the joy of learning. I used to run a lunchtime club for SEN kids where we would do homework together on the whiteboard, but also I'd tutor them for difficult topics sometimes, and they'd also bring their own interesting questions and problems. I'd teach them the thought process to use to solve them, then I could give them a similar problem but slightly different such that it requires thought and planning rather than just plugging numbers into an equation, and the kids loved it. Kids used to love learning because it was a privilege not afforded to all, but now most kids vape, use TikTok, and are in general, garbage human beings. I wanna get kids to love learning again, and the best way to do that is to be the best teacher I can.

 

[FatalGeometry]

Is it possible to do a next day amazon delivery of some cheep dipers?
Still means waiting a day but at least they will arrive at your home. No going out to a store, minimal human contact. Amazon are relatively reliant. (Hopefully they aren't a problem in your area)
So if DPD bail on you again you at least have something. It may be a good idea to keep some cheap pull ups or dipers about. That way it may help calm and slowly ground you into thinking that what your doing isn't that bad.

The diapers arrived earlier today. My situation has been resolved for now, and I know now not to trust the remote pickup locations. It doesn't matter if the University mailroom get access to them. I'll also probably buy more whilst I still have some of this batch, just to make sure I always have some diapers to hand in case I need them.

I also wasn't able to find any diapers whatsoever for next day delivery on Amazon. I did consider it, but I was so surprised that I couldn't find any suitable items with next day delivery. Even pullups for incontinence, the ones that older folks often use, didn't have next day delivery. There were baby diapers that had it but I'm 6'2. There is no way I could fit in those. Also wearing diapers that are literally designed for babies, rather than those that are designed for adults, would just make me feel weird. I'd almost certainly purge as soon as I used one, even if I could get it on. It would just feel wrong. I know diapers are originally intended for babies but our ABDL ones are different, and old people wear them too, as well as IC folks.

But thanks for the suggestion regardless. Much love <3

 

[ben0510]

I'd go to the supermarket and buy some cheap diapers. They won't function the same as a premium diaper, but it may scratch the itch of wanting one until yours arrive.

I'd go to the supermarket and buy some cheap beer. bring it home, drink it, and get an early night!

 

[BunnyFofo]

The sleep is partially caused by excitement for the diapers, partially by eating problems. I used to binge eat and stress eat a lot so I put on weight, then starved myself to lose it, and now I'm so comfortable with being hungry from eating only 1 meal per day for so long that I often forget to eat because I can't always realise when I'm hungry.

...

As for meds, I really don't like taking stuff. I don't drink alcohol, don't drink coffee, don't smoke or vape, and besides paracetamol and antibiotics I've never taken anything in my life. I know they could help, but since the sleep is likely a symptom of a different issue that is fixable without medicating I am hesitant to take them due to how they can mess with your body and your brain. And that's not a misinformed conclusion, I'm a Chemistry student with a background in Biology. I just wanna be safe with everything, only taking any potentially mood altering drugs unless I absolutely have to.

If you're serious about being safe, then you should tell a doctor about the combination of getting very little sleep over 2 weeks, problems moderating eating (even if it's not a new issue), and also feeling excited over a long period of getting very little sleep.

Even if the above isn't due to a medical condition, it's risky enough to be worthwhile to take the time to make sure.

 

[denimchicken]

You could try checking if a thrift store has some decent diapers available. You never know what you will find. I found some Japanese diapers in north Dakota of all places.

 

[ABUMichaelUK]

Back to the original element of this thread: DPD do not guarantee 'next day' or pretty much any other aspect of their service and their T&Cs allow a 7 day window for delivery. They do however have the best on the day tracking around giving you a fairly accurate window for delivery. What you can do (and I would recommend for managing anxiety) is order a few days in advance of when you need them and once they are dispatched use the tracking data to select the delivery day you want or send it to a pickup shop. Be aware that sending to a pickup shop overrides any service level things like pre-1200 delivery. DPD can then hold the package and deliver it on the relevant day but any delays it faces due to 'operational issues' are absorbed in the extended timeline. So if you wanted them on a Friday you could order them for dispatch on a Monday and with the tracking data select your preferred delivery date as Friday and even if they got stuck for Tuesday & Wednesday they would still arrive in time for when you wanted them.
DPD are like any logistics provider, they experience operational barriers that result in delays, mostly it is due to the volume they handle now- it is mindboggling and sometimes there just isn't the capacity to truck everything to the right place overnight. It's not that the UK is a third world country, it's largely due to the rise of online shopping and the time it takes to increase capacity on a carrier network. Plus the general shortage of truckers. DPD used to operate one massive national hub in Birmingham, there are now 6 of them including the original.

In relation to ND meltdowns and being overwhelmed, ND brains fixate on a plan and when things go outside the expected parameters it triggers a significant reaction which is hard to control. There are coping techniques which are worth trying and over time it is something that can be improved if not cured. You will reach a point where your brain accepts that there are things you can influence and things you cannot and there is no value in stressing over things you cannot influence- easy to say but harder to achieve.

 

[Woncrinklz]

@ABUMichaelUK Kudos! Very well-said breakdown of everything here. You certainly have a wonderful way with perfect explanations. I enjoyed seeing the processes of all topics you covered in my mind like a cool video of how things work and can be resolved. Thank you. The UK is lucky to have you.

 

[foxkits]

I'm fully aware of all of this. I probably should have used a /s tag for it, but that post was mostly sarcasm and pointing out the absurdity of his point. I did go off a bit there, probably too much.

But I don't want to work from home. I long to teach. It is my dream. I'd give up diapers for it. Heck I might even give up on love for it, that's how badly I want to teach, and you can't be an excellent teacher remotely, you gotta be there to interact with the kids.

Currently my plan is University Lecturer, but I could see myself working in Secondary Schools too. University Lecturer would pay more, Secondary School Teacher would be more rewarding, at least for me. I'd love to be able to give ND kids like me a better setup for independent living, and I want to push for regaining the joy of learning. I used to run a lunchtime club for SEN kids where we would do homework together on the whiteboard, but also I'd tutor them for difficult topics sometimes, and they'd also bring their own interesting questions and problems. I'd teach them the thought process to use to solve them, then I could give them a similar problem but slightly different such that it requires thought and planning rather than just plugging numbers into an equation, and the kids loved it. Kids used to love learning because it was a privilege not afforded to all, but now most kids vape, use TikTok, and are in general, garbage human beings. I wanna get kids to love learning again, and the best way to do that is to be the best teacher I can.

I wasn't being critical of you.
We take things one day at a time.
Not everyone is the same.
I'm doing the best I can.
Life is a learning experience.

 

[ABUMichaelUK]

The diapers arrived earlier today. My situation has been resolved for now, and I know now not to trust the remote pickup locations. It doesn't matter if the University mailroom get access to them. I'll also probably buy more whilst I still have some of this batch, just to make sure I always have some diapers to hand in case I need them.

I also wasn't able to find any diapers whatsoever for next day delivery on Amazon. I did consider it, but I was so surprised that I couldn't find any suitable items with next day delivery. Even pullups for incontinence, the ones that older folks often use, didn't have next day delivery. There were baby diapers that had it but I'm 6'2. There is no way I could fit in those. Also wearing diapers that are literally designed for babies, rather than those that are designed for adults, would just make me feel weird. I'd almost certainly purge as soon as I used one, even if I could get it on. It would just feel wrong. I know diapers are originally intended for babies but our ABDL ones are different, and old people wear them too, as well as IC folks.

But thanks for the suggestion regardless. Much love <3

Our listings are available fulfilled by Amazon so have prime delivery next day

 

[Dinotopian2002]

Thanks for that Dino. I apologise if my responses yesterday were a bit excessively aggressive in tone. I shouldn't have responded to you like that when you weren't the one being insensitive.

I don't feel weak for the coping mechanisms, though I acknowledge that they annoy NT people a lot. I wish my tics and stims were less annoying to people or that people could tolerate it, but such is life.

And I wasn't dismissing the meditation without trying it, though I appreciate that my original response may have had that implication, it was not intended. I've spent hours trying guided meditation with therapists but it never really worked for me. I just couldn't sit still for that long without doing anything.

I have actually today been given a temporary mentor who I will have weekly meetings with to discuss taking steps towards making me more independent, focusing on small improvements rather than instantly chasing perfection.

Also, I have been thinking about the medical use more and more. I do have what could be considered a shy bladder. I have never used a toilet at a friend's house before, and I try to hold for as long as I can when on holidays and such. Back at home (not at University), there is only one toilet in the house I use. At University I only use the toilet in my room, never any others across the campus. I really don't like them. I've previously gone in a bush on the side of a motorway to avoid using the toilets at a service station, even just to pee. See I can't really pee that well standing up. My body just doesn't like to do it, and (attempting to not give too much info), it can often result in a bit of a mess. Nothing major, but still something I have to clean up. I suppose in this way I could consider diapers or at least an incontinence type product to be more important to me. I know of some people who have prescription diapers and I doubt I'd be able to get them for these relatively small issues (and they wouldn't be cute and pink anyway so what's the point?), but you're right I probably do qualify for VAT exemption. It doesn't solve the money issue but it does make it much better.

And regarding full-time wearing, oh boy how I'd love to. I really would. Unfortunately I don't think I'd ever feel confident enough to unless I was incontinent as that is the perfect reason that would avoid almost all discrimination against me for being diapered.

You've been really kind to me, probably more so than my original angry outbursts deserved. Thank you. Much love <3

Hi @FatalGeometry

No problem, I’m glad you’re feeling calmer now. I was mindful that you were feeling out of control and you were being bombarded with conflicting information from well meaning people who struggled to understand your issues at this moment.

As from your bathroom habits, from what you’ve described, this sounds a lot like functional incontinence - where your kidneys and bladder work fine, but a disability or health condition prevents you from using a toilet, (e.g. if you’re a wheelchair user and the toilet’s not accessible) If your autism means you struggle to find a toilet, you should definitely wear diapers when you’re away from home or your room at university. Hopefully this will also make it easier for you to interact with people too.

With regards to meditating, you may find sleep hypnosis or ASMR more helpful as you can move as much as you need to, instead of having to be still. As long as you can concentrate on the voice, then it will work. Michael Sealey has some good ones on YouTube.

Remember that you have a medical condition that makes using a toilet more difficult than a neurotypical person - your need for diapers is valid, even if it’s not all the time. I hope this helps you feel better about yourself.

Breathe Deep, Seek Peace
Dinotopian2002

 

[PetahPetah]

Damn