REALLY close to getting caught!

gnd567

gnd567

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  1. Adult Baby
  2. Diaper Lover
  3. Little
Holy crap! My anxiety is through the roof right now! My heart is racing and my stomach is all in knots.
So. my dad had two doctors appointments this morning and my mom had to drive him. My mom told me last night that they would be gone from about 9:45am to about 2:00pm. This got me excited because it meant I'd finally have the house to myself long enough to have some quality "little time." I usually have very little privacy and I literally NEVER have the house all to myself for more than 15-20mins at a time because one of them is always home. Seeing as it had been a couple of months since I got to wear a diaper and I had the place to myself, I decided I would get up early and enjoy myself. I wore my diaper to bed the night before so that I could wake up ready to play.

They left this morning around 9:45am and as soon as they left I stripped down to just a t-shirt and my diaper and sat on the floor and watched a couple of episodes of PAW Patrol on tv while eating a PB&J sandwich and some juice. It was wonderful. I've never had It was such a relief to finally be able to relax and be my true self.
For the first time in several years, I was able to shut off the constant worrying and anxiety that I deal with daily and I was finally able to experience true "little space" for the fist time and it was wonderful!

Everything was going wonderful for about 25-30 mins until about 10:25. I felt the need to go #2 and since my diaper was already pretty wet and I had the place to myself for several hours, I let go and messed my diaper while watching cartoons. For a brief moment, everything was right with the world. My pain and anxiety were all gone and I was just a happy, little boy. But unfortuantley for me, that peaceful moment was about to end.

I'm not even kidding when I say that not even 30 seconds after messing my diaper, I hear my dad's car door slam and the knob on the front door starts turning!
"What? It hasn't even been an hour yet!"- I think to myself. I shut the tv off and made a mad dash for my bedroom. I'm normally still asleep at that time, so I got back in bed and waited under the covers hoping nobody heard me stirring and trying to hide the smell. I hear my parents talking and I hear my dad say to my mom, "well, I've got a couple of hours to kill before we have to go back."

"What? A couple HOURS?" I said to myself. I stayed there in my bed, in a diaper that was growing more uncortable and smellier by the minute. I stayed quiet for a couple hours until they finally left again around 12:30 when I was finally able to take off the diaper and shower off.
Then, the trash man came while I was showering so now I have to keep a messy diaper from stinking up the trash can for a whole week! I used 3-4 grocery bags and 2-3 trash bags and tied them up tight and I hoping this will help keep the stench down a bit.

They probably won't find out about it but I'm totally freaked out now. My fears and anxiety were right. I don't have a safe place to have "little time."
Why does this happen to me? They were supposed to be gone for at least 3-4 hours but they weren't gone even 45 mins! I should've known better than to try and relax. They never stay gone, even when they say they're going to!

I wish I could either confess my need to be little or find a way to forget about it completely because I'm never going to have a place to be little.
I feel so stupid for even trying this. I feel so dirty! My desires are not meant to be. I wish it wasn't such a part of me. I keep thinking the pain wouldn't be so bad if I could accept the fact that I will never get to regress or be myself. I've been wanting this for years and feel like I'm only setting myself up for disappointment because, in my living situation, I will not likely get any more time to myself where I can be little.

My anxiety is sky high right now thinking about how close I came to being caught like that. I can't eat or drink anything right now because I just wanna throw up.
They're back home now and they seem unaware but I really just wanna go find a place to hind and cry. I'm so stupid. This is so frustrating! Why can't I be normal? The physical disabilies are enough as it is. Why do I have to have these desire too?

I feel embarrassed, disgusted and very hurt too. I don't know what I feel but it hurts.

I want to give up.
 
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Please don't take this the wrong way but it sounds like you have depression and well anxiety. I am not sure you are taking any meds for either but I would try to see a doctor and get started on something. I have been there now I am taking meds it does not solve everything but it helps without a doubt.

As for your other problem to be little there is no easy way around it. I finally accepted it and that has helped me a lot. I also am living on my own so I can indulge any time. Not sure if it is possible for you to move out but if it is I would for sure move out. Even if you have to have a roommate it is still better.
 
🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗I know. I'm disabled, too. It's not like we can just say, "I'm going to a convention. Like hell you'll come with me!"

We can't drive.

What about taking a bus to a munch, or a con, or even to see a professional Mommy? There's good news. Some parents actually take it as a sign of maturation when their adult disabled kids get laid. I know you probably wouldn't be getting laid, but they don't know that; do they?
 
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O.P. I actually feel bad for not being blind right now. I know you are, and if I was too, I might be able to help more. Altering your brain chemistry won't make your parents not see you as broken, and needy, and deficient as heck. If I knew how to get either of us there from where we are, I would.
 
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Ugh! That is so nerve-wracking. I had that kind of thing happen a few times when I was living at home. My parents were more likely to head off for longer stretches, so I got the positive payoff more often but those close calls haunted me. As others have observed, you did nothing wrong. Even if you weren't into this, you'd still likely want some time on your own.
 
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i know what it's like, i grew up as a latch key kid and i had plenty of places to go when parents were hawking.one of my favs was a real tree house, and the fact that we had a finished attic. attic windows were always cracked open and the smell was kept at a level. the tree house was my diaper worship place and attic was my place to get lost. by the time i was in college i had a younger brother i had to teach all the hiding places, was nice because i had my own place to have my diaper fun. as for all that anxiety you gotta learn to take a chill pill baby.. its not like its the end of the world, just relax and look at it as an accident, and bad timing.times will get better. have patients and understanding my friend
 
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I know it hard kiddo.

but it is not going to be forever. I don't know your living situation. so I don't know if it is possible to let your parents about being A Little and your need to regress. or whether it would be possible for you to move out and into a place of your own.

I know that giving up is not going to be possible for you.

you are the person you are meant to be and that is OK. it is just living with fear and anxiety is not good for anyone.

If you are able to maybe book yourself into a hotel for a night this way you can have a space to relax into little space. And fell that joy again. Pot notice on door do not disturb.

Just know that the way you are feeling is not going to be for long.

Hugs

Siysiy
 
SpAzpieSweeTot said:
What about taking a bus to a munch, or a con, or even to see a professional Mommy?
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I'd love to. I'd love to go to a munch and a con like CAPCon or seeing a Mommy would be a dream come true but I have a few hang ups. I'm not great at getting around without someone to follow. I'm better than I used to be but still not great. I'm also quite shy and suffer from some social anxiety which makes it hard for me to meet new people. I have no problems online, but face-to-face it takes me quite a while to really open up. Its made it hard to make friends, especialy as I've gotten older. I have very little social life outside of family and work.
 
Guide Dog, dude, seriously! For now, sighted guide? There are people who go on vacation with people, to help them out. I can find you a link, if you want. Sorry. This is as big as the font gets. Now, if I could remember to make it this big for you every time.
 
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I am so so sorry. I know exactly what you are going through. The first time I brought some toys, I tried to hide them beside my bed in a bag. I could get to them when I was a lone. Told mom I had some personal stuff inside, don't look. She respected my privacy. So, I was playing one night, and part of one of my toys fell on the floor, I couldn't get to it. My hart was racing, full anxiety attack. Called my mom, she picked it up and said, "whaaaa-oh." Hands it to me, everything was cool. I remember my pacifier would fall out of my mouth behind my head all the time and I had to swarm like a worm to find it. I literally had to lay sideways on my bed once to find it, it was so tiny. It's funny now, but I didn't want to get caught. I threw everything away after that thinking I could live without it, but I couldn't, so I told mom. She was a little surprised, but sh loves me and understood, That was three years ago. Now everybody knows, and nobody cares. I'm very happy. Being disabled, and being an ABDL really sucks sometimes, hiding it wasn't an option for me. If I wanted to do what I loved, I had to tell. i had nothing but support and understanding.
 
Maybe it's time for your band to hit the road and do some traveling. You could get your own room on the road, etc. I'm playing with Duncan Wood, if you know him. He played out of Richmond for a number of years.
 
DanielW said:
I really think though, you should see what positives you have learned here. The first being you are capable of doing some self-care and having some harmless little time. The second being that you don't get enough healthy time alone to take proper care of your emotional needs. The third one? I'll give you with a little humor...always wait until someones been gone long enough that they can't make it back in under an hour . :)
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Yeah, thing is, while I've worn diapers hundreds of times now, I've never had the chance to actually have any little time because there's always someone here. The only reason I even gave it a shot was because I was told that they would be gone for three to five hours. I should've known better though, they're literally never gone more than 20-45mins, maybe an hour on very rare occasions and there's usually at least one of them here at all times. But you're right, I really do need more time to take care of my emotional/personal needs.
 
SpAzpieSweeTot said:
Guide Dog, dude, seriously! For now, sighted guide? There are people who go on vacation with people, to help them out. I can find you a link, if you want. Sorry. This is as big as the font gets. Now, if I could remember to make it this big for you every time.
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Yeah, I've toyed around with the idea for most of my life but have never seriously pursued it. Just recently, I was speaking with the Virginia Department for the Blind and Visually Impaired about my SSI and about getting some help in other areas like aiding me in finding programs/grants to help me with my small business (band) and while they're not sure how much they'll be able to help me there, I will be recieinvg some training in how do more things for myself. I won't hear back from the until around September, but when I do I will for sure be asking about guide dogs and training. I didn't know about "sighted guide" dogs. This sounds interesting to me as I do have some sight and try to use it as much as possible. One reason I think that I didn't seriously pursue a guide dog or more training in general is because, as a child, they wanted to teach to be completely blind and disregard my sight but I didn't want to. The lady I talked to from the VDBVI seemed very understanding about this and has tried to reassure me that, as an adult, I will now be able to work with someone who can be more flexialble and figure out what I need.
 
Katie2fingers said:
It's funny now, but I didn't want to get caught. I threw everything away after that thinking I could live without it, but I couldn't, so I told mom. She was a little surprised, but sh loves me and understood, That was three years ago. Now everybody knows, and nobody cares. I'm very happy. Being disabled, and being an ABDL really sucks sometimes, hiding it wasn't an option for me. If I wanted to do what I loved, I had to tell. i had nothing but support and understanding.
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I wish I had the nerve to do that. I have fears of rejection/abandonment. Yes, they are very loving and supportive parents, but I'm afraid of what they're reaction might be and how their reaction will effect me. I picture it going several different ways but I don't feel certain about what they might think. I can kinda see my mom "maybe" being okay with/accepting of it to some extent but again that's a just a"maybe" and I'm just guessing/hoping. She's pretty private and might chose to "ignore" it and let me be little. I don't know.

My dad though, I'm really not sure about. On one hand, he's been known to quickly jump to conclusions and freaks out about stuff, especially things he doesn't understand. He's very "old-school" and pretty "vanilla" and sometimes has a hard time with new concepts.
He's hard to convince sometimes. But on the other hand, I'm very close to him and there's a possibility he "might" understand even if he doesn't really "accept" it, he might at least "respect" that it's part of me and I need my little time. I have a hard not seeing him being a bit "weirded out" by it though but again, I'm not sure.


They both know a little bit- they know I order diapers online because my dad opened a package of mine by mistake, thinking it was for him.
He asked "are you okay" and I stammered out a quick "yes, i'm fine, thanks" and took the package upstairs. That was three years ago and none of us have talked about it. And now, especially with the new baby (my sister just had a baby) I'm afraid they'd be super weirded out if they found out I was still wearing diapers and wanted to have "little time." But again, I don't know. I've been too afraid to confront them on this.
 
I got caught with goodnites in my bedroom when I was a teen.
 
dogboy said:
Maybe it's time for your band to hit the road and do some traveling. You could get your own room on the road, etc.
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I play in two bands. One isn't mine, it's just a local cover band that I play guitar in just so I can earn enough money to get by.
But MY band, which play original music, is actually getting ready to hit the road next year. But the problem is, my dad is IN the band! Plus, we will most likely be on a tight budget and have to save money by only be getting a couple of hotel rooms a night instead of individual ones.

dogboy said:
Maybe it's time for your band to hit the road and do some traveling. You could get your own room on the road, etc. I'm playing with Duncan Wood, if you know him. He played out of Richmond for a number of years.
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Wow! That's crazy. I know Duncan very well! I know him personally. My whole band does!!! Small world. That's pretty wild.
 
I understand that hopeless feeling.
When I was young I needed extensive care for my disabilities (depression, PTSD, panic attacks) which were due to horrid, violent trauma.
I could not have any privacy, my life was completely controlled by people who actually only made my life worse, because they were not good people. This experience destroyed the last of my trust in any humans, and building that trust back to even 5% and becoming social was a rocky, uphill battle.

It's a good thing you can express how you feel. Let it out just as it is, how you feel it. Once you feel better after a vent, start thinking positive and make plans of how to get what you want and need. This is a good way to go about it IMO

Best of luck to you, and don't worry so much.
I'm sure you'll get more privacy.
 
The unknown is scarey sometimes. I was so afraid that my mom would look at me differently, but she didn't. There's still a little current when she sees me holding my baby doll, or a toy, but she get's over it. She just just gives me that eye, like saying, umm. She asked not to see me with my pacifier, and I can respect that. She doesn't see me in just my diaper either. I don't think the diaper would bother her that much, it's the fact that I'm in my wheelchair barefoot, she has a thing about me hurting my feet, but I never do. It's a give and take with us, but it all works out in the end.
 
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