Non accepting wife...

[irnub]

Was that needed or necessary? You’re the one clogging the thread at this point .

I've replied to you three times. You've made a mess of this and several other threads work long walls of text and mangled quote blocks. As myself and a few other people have told you multiple times now, you'd get much better results and have much better reactions from the people here if you stopped hijacking threads and went and started your own.

Not only is it good forum etiquette, but it's less confusing to everybody involved.

 

[dazednconfused]

I've replied to you three times. You've made a mess of this and several other threads work long walls of text and mangled quote blocks. As myself and a few other people have told you multiple times now, you'd get much better results and have much better reactions from the people here if you stopped hijacking threads and went and started your own.

Not only is it good forum etiquette, but it's less confusing to everybody involved.

So what? Why would I reply to you when you were not helpful? I’m under no obligation to reply to every comment. If you’ve combed through my posts as extensively as you make it seem like you have you would know that I have stated MULTIPLE times that I will be starting my own thread. I haven’t posted further on the issue until you decided to get annoyed at me for saying that I planned to do something you said you believed I should. Why would you expect me to know the norms of a forum I’ve never used? Also in many threads anecdotal tangents don’t seem to raise any ire. Quite a few other people have been very helpful and I very much appreciated their reactions so I’m not concerned about that issue, thanks though! As for hijacking threads, you are the one who decided to revitalize a dead conversation, so don’t criticize me for doing the same thing you’re doing now.

 

[dazednconfused]

I've replied to you three times. You've made a mess of this and several other threads work long walls of text and mangled quote blocks. As myself and a few other people have told you multiple times now, you'd get much better results and have much better reactions from the people here if you stopped hijacking threads and went and started your own.

Not only is it good forum etiquette, but it's less confusing to everybody involved.

Oh and looking back at my previous posts I absolutely did reply to you before so I don’t get your point about replying three times to me

 

[Drifter]

And most people would never put a sexual kink over the whole of their romantic and sexual relationship. That is what I don’t comprehend.

As I understand it, the physical, biological causes of diaper love are the same as those responsible for the romantic and sexual love people can feel for each other. We label one "kinky" and the other "normal" as a result of social influence. From a social perspective most people would agree that everyone should be able to set aside any personal desires they have that interfere with socially acceptable relationships, but most people don't understand the strength and depth of those desires or how difficult it is to live a life of abstinence regarding those desires.

 

[ryan2127]

I really feel as if the person your dating or married to FULLY DESERVES to know about your abdl stuff before marriage and about a couple months into dating. This isn’t the kind of kink that can‘t easily be brushed aside as another bedroom thing. Especially for your wife. It tends to turn most people’s psychological bell as soon as they hear about it. I don’t know what kind of guy you are but I do know that depending on your personal appearance/persona, it can vastly affect how others/your wife views a kink like this. Do things that you know would make you more attractive to her. Be the best husband possible to her. Make yourself seem of higher value to her if you aren’t already doing so. Make sure she knows that it isnt something you do 247 nor will it change anything than how things already are. Let her know that it ain’t a big deal and explain in depth to her how a kink like this isn’t as bad as it seems and highlight the normality of it.

 

[blaincorrous]

People who come out to their partners after marriage probably looked at the moment they got married as the final purge of all thoughts and paraphernalia of ABDL. There’s the thought that committing to your partner will somehow make the diapers in your mind vanish. It seems reasonable at the time, as do most purges, and this might be a purge that lasts a long time by comparison.

We know that it doesn’t last. It’s like… putting a diaper on your brain. Eventually it’s going to get filled with these thoughts, and if you don’t attend to it, it will start stinking up your brain.

I don’t begrudge people who end up on this path of coming out later. It comes from a place of apparent necessity, and it’s an honest mistake if you don’t understand the inevitability. But we should educate people that this isn’t going away, no matter how hard you purge. You will need to manage this part of you actively and your partner needs to know it’s your struggle, preferably before marriage. If you don’t, it will eat at you and whatever debt to be paid to your partner for not trusting them will only increase.

But with the right partner, there is no debt. You should certainly be committed to a person who you trust with this and has a reasonable chance of accepting. This is part of why I don’t trust people who don’t have a kink or something else they want to keep secret about them. They don’t put themselves in other peoples shoes when someone else’s secret comes out.

 

[ARBBB2]

That is what I thought, I told my wife 6 months after starting to date and 6 years before getting married, I also promised I would and could stop when we had children, She ended up enjoying it to a certain degree, loved how excited I would get when she diapered and babied me, and then we would make love with me in diapers, My children never knew about diapers and my loving them until 1/2 years ago when she told all three of my daughters. The real problem is I broke her boundaries way to many times, and to a large degree it is my fault she hates it now. In my defense it was not until a year and a half ago I finally got a therapist that explained and agreed with my needs and I finally do not think I am nuts! I have gone to probably 20 therapists in 53 years of being together and looking back there are a lot of very dysfunctional therapists. So its important to check them out and find out if they have ever dealt with ab/dl and our needs and problems!

 

[Subtlerustle]

@dazednconfused I have a few thoughts on your predicament. When you get around to starting your own thread I will happily chime in.

 

[dazednconfused]

@dazednconfused I have a few thoughts on your predicament. When you get around to starting your own thread I will happily chime in.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts! I’ve been busier than I anticipated so I haven’t posted one yet, I didn’t want to rush it but I plan to post before the weekend. I will really appreciate and welcome any and all input !

 

[PonderStibbons]

[1] I was referring to situations where people who do not tell their partner this part of their life prior to marriage while assuming tolerance as the only fair option once they are made/become aware....[2] I also wonder if you would have the same attitude if she came to you with any type of fetish or sexual desire?

Pre/Post Marriage Reveal:
1) First of all, that sucks. We discovered my affinity following an extended hospital stay for the removal of more than 16" of my small intestines (Crohn's Disease) -- 14 years into the marriage. Tolerance is not my partner's ONLY option. It IS my partner's chosen option.

I do not personally have an ideology that presupposes that my partner will cease learning about themselves merely because they've met me; or I, them. You may find EFT helpful as you navigate your shocking discovery. Particularly, I find that assuming loved ones have, "good reasons for doing what they do", is a better way to begin the healing process. Self-righteous indignation that results in contempt toward someone you love(d) -- not so much. But, perhaps it works for some. Not a fan.

Avoiding Hypocrisy - Beyond Reproach & Resources for Recovery
2) Yes. In fact, having an AB/DL affinity makes me hyper-accomodating/tolerating my wife's arousal map. If for no other reason than a hope/desire/wish/fantasy for reciprocity in kind. Even so, while I may strive to deliver the desired 6-figure salary and 6-pack abs (Her turn-ons); it's entirely probable these wish lists will get added to the other 70% of unresolved conflicts present in most marriages. We've learned to have a dialog through time without expectations of a solution. I am pleased to say we've even had major breakthroughs that became possible through the passage of time and changing circumstances. Covid even resulted in a 4-month period where neither of us had a sense of smell. Playtime!

Gottman is a research therapist who's studied "marriage" for decades and has identified specific skills whose presence or absence can predict divorce. The skills can be learned. He has several lay and academic works that you may find helpful. Another good free resource is the podcast series called "Foreplay Radio" which focuses on getting the conversation with your partner moving in a productive direction.

Good luck.

 

[dazednconfused]

Pre/Post Marriage Reveal:
1) First of all, that sucks. We discovered my affinity following an extended hospital stay for the removal of more than 16" of my small intestines (Crohn's Disease) -- 14 years into the marriage. Tolerance is not my partner's ONLY option. It IS my partner's chosen option.

I do not personally have an ideology that presupposes that my partner will cease learning about themselves merely because they've met me; or I, them. You may find EFT helpful as you navigate your shocking discovery. Particularly, I find that assuming loved ones have, "good reasons for doing what they do", is a better way to begin the healing process. Self-righteous indignation that results in contempt toward someone you love(d) -- not so much. But, perhaps it works for some. Not a fan.

Avoiding Hypocrisy - Beyond Reproach & Resources for Recovery
2) Yes. In fact, having an AB/DL affinity makes me hyper-accomodating/tolerating my wife's arousal map. If for no other reason than a hope/desire/wish/fantasy for reciprocity in kind. Even so, while I may strive to deliver the desired 6-figure salary and 6-pack abs (Her turn-ons); it's entirely probable these wish lists will get added to the other 70% of unresolved conflicts present in most marriages. We've learned to have a dialog through time without expectations of a solution. I am pleased to say we've even had major breakthroughs that became possible through the passage of time and changing circumstances. Covid even resulted in a 4-month period where neither of us had a sense of smell. Playtime!

Gottman is a research therapist who's studied "marriage" for decades and has identified specific skills whose presence or absence can predict divorce. The skills can be learned. He has several lay and academic works that you may find helpful. Another good free resource is the podcast series called "Foreplay Radio" which focuses on getting the conversation with your partner moving in a productive direction.

Good luck.

I think you’re making quite a few assumptions without knowing details about the situation I was referring to. I doubt you would have had the same opinion if you did, maybe I’m wrong. I don’t see what a partner continuing to learn about them self has to do with becoming involved in a particular fetish. Not all new experiences warrant immersion or involvement, that doesn’t equate to refusal to learn. I looked up EFT, I was unfamiliar, and I don’t quite see how a therapy focused on “letting blocked energy flow through meridian points” would apply or be helpful here. If you put your bias towards your preferred kink aside, I think you will see it’s quite unfair and unrealistic to be expected to tolerate whatever sexual need your partner springs on you. Would it be self righteous indignation to not be immediately over the moon if your partner felt compelled to have sex with other men in front of you or pound and hammer on your balls with abandon or vomit in bed or make you get fat or have you choke and hit them? Where does the limit of being GGG as it were, lay? And I’m familiar with Gottman, I will check out the other resource mentioned.

 

[PonderStibbons]

I think you’re making quite a few assumptions without knowing details about the situation I was referring to. I doubt you would have had the same opinion if you did, maybe I’m wrong. I don’t see what a partner continuing to learn about them self has to do with becoming involved in a particular fetish. Not all new experiences warrant immersion or involvement, that doesn’t equate to refusal to learn. I looked up EFT, I was unfamiliar, and I don’t quite see how a therapy focused on “letting blocked energy flow through meridian points” would apply or be helpful here. If you put your bias towards your preferred kink aside, I think you will see it’s quite unfair and unrealistic to be expected to tolerate whatever sexual need your partner springs on you. Would it be self righteous indignation to not be immediately over the moon if your partner felt compelled to have sex with other men in front of you or pound and hammer on your balls with abandon or vomit in bed or make you get fat or have you choke and hit them? Where does the limit of being GGG as it were, lay? And I’m familiar with Gottman, I will check out the other resource mentioned.

EFT is Emotionally Focused Therapy is not meridian energy work. Sorry. My bad for not using the full acronym.

You are correct -- involving others would indeed be outside our particular covenant and would therefore not be tolerable in our relationship. Others do not have this stipulation.

That said, we've found it profitable to verbally explore, through time, one another's desire(s) in an effort to determine what, if any, aspects we may bring into our play.

e.g.
Wants to be done up the bum = there are strap-ons,
Wants to have masculine vibe = there is clothing, aromas, firm touching.
Wants vomit, choking, make fat = dirty talk, role-play, fat suits, erotic stories etc.,

Verbally exploring why a particular kink is appealing, can yield positive relational outcomes.

The limit to what is acceptable is often found in ones' conscience and for some, their faith/beliefs.

And if your conscience says, "there shall be no body waste and no age play in your joint activities", then to engage in it would be inadvisable.

If your partner has contempt for your conscience and beliefs, that is a whole different conversation. AB/DL in that situation is a red herring.

 

[dazednconfused]

EFT is Emotionally Focused Therapy is not meridian energy work. Sorry. My bad for not using the full acronym.

You are correct -- involving others would indeed be outside our particular covenant and would therefore not be tolerable in our relationship. Others do not have this stipulation.

That said, we've found it profitable to verbally explore, through time, one another's desire(s) in an effort to determine what, if any, aspects we may bring into our play.

e.g.
Wants to be done up the bum = there are strap-ons,
Wants to have masculine vibe = there is clothing, aromas, firm touching.
Wants vomit, choking, make fat = dirty talk, role-play, fat suits, erotic stories etc.,

Verbally exploring why a particular kink is appealing, can yield positive relational outcomes.

The limit to what is acceptable is often found in ones' conscience and for some, their faith/beliefs.

And if your conscience says, "there shall be no body waste and no age play in your joint activities", then to engage in it would be inadvisable.

If your partner has contempt for your conscience and beliefs, that is a whole different conversation. AB/DL in that situation is a red herring.

It kinda seems like you’re coming at this from a religious perspective which I apologize but I just can’t really relate to. I apologize if I’m making an incorrect assumption. Why is idolizing a diaper any better than non monogamy?

 

[PonderStibbons]

It kinda seems like you’re coming at this from a religious perspective which I apologize but I just can’t really relate to. I apologize if I’m making an incorrect assumption. Why is idolizing a diaper any better than non monogamy?

It's not better. And not a binary set.
There's good, better, best and bad, worse, and worst.

• Threatening to cheat in a relationship that has agreed upon monogamy is bad.
• Cheating in a relationship that has agreed upon monogamy is worse.
• Cheating and lying about it or keeping it a secret, worst.
• Solo pleasure and comfort derived by time spent in and around diapers/nappies may be good.
• Pleasure and fulfillment derived from sharing that nappy experience with a person who they love...could be better.
• A couple deciding to de-escalate and set aside ultimatums to work through conflicting emotions, hurts, and confusion in order that they may better understand one another and come up with some interim strategies which do not violate conscience -- in my book, best.

 

[Honeywell6180]

It kinda seems like you’re coming at this from a religious perspective which I apologize but I just can’t really relate to. I apologize if I’m making an incorrect assumption. Why is idolizing a diaper any better than non monogamy?

It seems like the more I have been reading your responses, the more I've been understanding your situation. Since I've never had an intimate relationship, I guess I am starting to feel more privileged towards my insulation of the needs of others. I can only say, that I am 100% certain that I would never have violated my partner like yours has. I look forward to your post. Perhaps, you will help me better accept me for myself, and may even help me with my Christian Faith, and may even strengthen my resolve to uphold my medical team's recommendations for myself. Perhaps, your post will better enable me to explain how my tools help improve my functioning, given the circumstances I find myself in at a certain times. It's not all a "one size fits all" approach. There are many solutions to a given problem.

 

[normalguy]

I have told her this. She's just trying to process it all I guess

Hi TSladeDL, how have you been faring in the past year? Have things got better between you and your wife? I'd love to hear an update. All the best.