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Looking for advice with my Fiancée about my abdl side

*Paragraphs*

<sigh>
 
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PaladinPug said:
I feel a bit selfish often not really thinking about her desires when considering this subject. I’m going to write that down and definitely do that, would you say that if her desires don’t exactly line up with me wanting to wear diapers that I shouldn’t do It at all or what do you think?
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I think it’s really unlikely that her desires will line up exactly with yours. The key, in my opinion, is to find areas of commonality and compromises you’re both happy with.
 
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littlemoosey said:
Hello Paladin its now 0315 in the morning I cant sleep and I just read your post.

First, I wish you were not in this predicament, but you are. However, as I read all that you had written. I could not help but think that nearly every time you talked with your fiancee about this, you came at it from a negative perspective. That is, internally you are ashamed and embarrassed, and I get the feeling that when you talked to her that "vibe" comes across to her.

Diapers on healthy men, is something most women under the best of circumstances have trouble wrapping their heads around. And now she has almost been conditioned over the last 6 years from the way you have presented it... your guilt and perhaps treating it as a negative, that she can not help but not like it and wants you to quit.

The problem is she does not know that this stays with you forever. You have admitted as much yourself. Over the last 6 years if you were not sneaking diapers you were thinking about them. You are now on a support site with allot of us that already know this truth. In our lives, diapers are ubiquitous... they here to stay. We have all binged and purged and repeated. Personally, I gave up diapers for 30 years when I got married. Not because she asked me to, she knew nothing about this side of me then, but because I thought if she knew this about me she would leave me. And although I literally abstained for 30 years, mentally the diapers were always there, the need was always there. It was not until I had enough knowledge about this "unusual character trait" and hitting the lowest point in my life, that I had enough courage to tell my wife. The difference was this, I did not come at the conversation from a "negative". Yes, it was "something that I had struggled with all of my life" but I told her it was me from the time I was 3-4.

In the nearly 6 years that I have been on this board, I have witnessed far more gentlemen be rejected, shunned or frozen out than I have seen acceptance. I was one of the lucky ones, my wife accepted this side of me immediately. There are just a handful of us on here that are living with wives that are true, "unicorns". The rest live in the shadows and wish that things were different.

You are at a cross roads. Despite the commitment that you have already made you need to think long and hard about moving forward in this relationship. It sounds like the 2 of you have bought a house... you are one "I DO" away from giving her the house when this blows up in your face. After you are married she will have all the power, the law and the threat of outing you to control you.

You sound like a young guy, and I hate to give you the bad news but very infrequently do women who have not liked this from the start, do they ever come around.

If you think getting out of the arrangement that you have now will be difficult, it pales in comparison to after you are married with the potential to have kids.

I would recommend that you think on this very hard. Your fiancee hears wedding bells, she has the fever to make this happen, she may do and say just enough to seal the deal and then you could spend of the rest of your life sad, lonely and frustrated.

There is a therapist that specializes in AB/DL and couples therapy. Her name is Dr. Rhoda Lipscomb, you can find her here: https://thediaperdoctor.com/dr-rhoda-mental-health-and-sexuality-expert/ before making any irreversible life decisions, you might want to try and arrange some phone counseling with her and your fiancee. Additionally, I would recommend you read her book: "Your Not Broken" so you can get a new perspective on "you". I know this sounds expensive, but in light of other potential consequences it is much cheaper than the alternative of a divorce. If you really want this to work between you and your fiancee, do what it takes to try and get this counseling. If your fiancee refuses on principal... you just need to move one. Having a 3rd objective party explain this to your Fiancee may do the trick.

I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you are playing for keeps now. Impending weddings develop so much momentum that after a point they are hard to stop. You and your fiancee have a whole life ahead of you... you want to go in on a positive... otherwise move on for the sake of you both.
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OP. THIS. Times 1000. This is the REALITY you are facing.
 
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So a quick update for y’all who’s interested, I took your advice and had a time scheduled to sit down and talk. In preparation for this I wrote about 3-5 paragraphs on how I truly feel and how I potentially view how she feels about the subject and had her read it. I wanted to do it this way because I have problems with expressing myself in words when spoken out loud so writing allows me to convey my deeper feelings better. It ended with her saying “I don’t care if you wear” and she had expressed how my words were written to make her seem like a bad person. I didn’t make this my intention but I guess it came out that way when expressing my frustration I suppose and I assured her that I never intended that, I expressed how appreciative I am for her acceptance and followed up with words to show that I don’t view her as mean or anything. I understand her perspective it must be hard. She’s said that she figured I felt this way and knew I lied in the past. The compromise we came up with is that when I do wear around her that I don’t use it which is fine. I told her I would wear baggy clothes and tucked in shirts to kind of hide it when wearing around the house since I don’t want my neighbors to see when I let my dog out but she had mentioned that she doesn’t care what clothes I wear so that’s very exciting for me but I do want to be able to hide it from my neighbors out back obviously so I’ll see what I come up with. She’s always been understanding despite the rap I gave her in my earlier post but I think I was the one who was holding myself back and assuming she would never accept my true desires. In the few times I did wear around her in the past even when I didn’t use the diaper she would ask me to throw it out after I was done wearing since it would be considered dirty similar to regular underwear after you use it. I expressed when we talked how I didn’t really wanted to toss a diaper that wasn’t used since they are frankly expensive (and it feels wasteful) so we compromised and decided that maybe I wore a pad inside my diaper to circumvent that so instead I would throw away the pad. We discussed the expenses of diapers and the cost of a pack so it’s possible she would allow me to buy one eventually but I’m not sure since we haven’t discussed it further. To conclude I’m going to be wearing later tonight as well as occasionally in the future (probably only at home for now) and I’m just thrilled to have the chance and support of my fiancée for this, I just wanted to say thank you for everyone who gave their input and helped me build up the confidence to do this, I’m excited for the future :D
 
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Congrats on your first step to positive compromise. Parts of your journey are very familiar to me. Credit to you for revealing this early in your relationship. As others have mentioned the Dr. Rhoda book is excellent and perfect for both of you to read. Your fiancé in particular. I would definitely get it and you’ll be glad you did. Despite this bit of good news for you I’m confident you’ll have more conversations and professional advice will move those along better.
While participation is the ideal level of acceptance we all seek, it’s a long shot for most. Whole hearted acceptance can look different for different couples and still be fulfilling.
One thing to consider is that your wife has probably felt is threatened by your kink. Will it overtake your relationship? Is it the other woman? And so on. While you’ve been focus ed on your side of things, you’ll need to show compassion for her apprehensions and understand where they are coming from. Being fully honest is a great start for both of you. I think it’s a journey that will continue.
 
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Subtlerustle said:
Congrats on your first step to positive compromise. Parts of your journey are very familiar to me. Credit to you for revealing this early in your relationship. As others have mentioned the Dr. Rhoda book is excellent and perfect for both of you to read. Your fiancé in particular. I would definitely get it and you’ll be glad you did. Despite this bit of good news for you I’m confident you’ll have more conversations and professional advice will move those along better.
While participation is the ideal level of acceptance we all seek, it’s a long shot for most. Whole hearted acceptance can look different for different couples and still be fulfilling.
One thing to consider is that your wife has probably felt is threatened by your kink. Will it overtake your relationship? Is it the other woman? And so on. While you’ve been focus ed on your side of things, you’ll need to show compassion for her apprehensions and understand where they are coming from. Being fully honest is a great start for both of you. I think it’s a journey that will continue.
Click to expand...
The overtaking relationship part and hyper fixation on just me is something I want to make sure doesn’t happen. I’ve been more lenient on her wanting to drink with her family yesterday due to her acceptance as a way to show that I support her needs as well, the drinking thing is usually something that leads to me taking care of the aftermath Haha. When I finally got her home she said a few things that surprised me while she was intoxicated but I didn’t want to take everything at face value just in case but she said “I understand your situation and if it is something that makes you happy you should just do it” which out of everything she said I personally took literally but otherwise she said “it turns me on” which I didn’t quite believe albeit it would be nice so I did ask her the next day about this and she didn’t really know what to say so I asked if it’s something that she finds joy in because I find joy in it so it’s more of a mutual type of thing even if it’s not something she actively enjoys herself if that makes sense (I know there is a phrase for this but I can’t figure it out). We chilled at home this Sunday and I was allowed to wear a diaper underneath my clothes all day so I’m just beyond happy and I hope she sees that since I’ve been smiling more recently because of it. I appreciate your input and it’s nice to hear you had a similar journey as me, I’m very positive right now it will lead to more acceptance as we go on since today has just went so well
 
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Great to hear. Go slow but steady. There’s plenty of stories here where the DL took the green light from the SO and pinned the accelerator 😂 self included. Like I said, you were smart to divulge this early in your relationship even if it didn’t flourish right away. I too was way too overwhelmed with fear of rejection and judgement to explain properly or thoroughly. That led to unintended consequences like you. There’s no solid playbook but it sounds like you’re beginning to salvage a shaky fifth inning. More to go but things are looking good.
 
littlemoosey said:
Hello Paladin its now 0315 in the morning I cant sleep and I just read your post.

First, I wish you were not in this predicament, but you are. However, as I read all that you had written. I could not help but think that nearly every time you talked with your fiancee about this, you came at it from a negative perspective. That is, internally you are ashamed and embarrassed, and I get the feeling that when you talked to her that "vibe" comes across to her.

Diapers on healthy men, is something most women under the best of circumstances have trouble wrapping their heads around. And now she has almost been conditioned over the last 6 years from the way you have presented it... your guilt and perhaps treating it as a negative, that she can not help but not like it and wants you to quit.

The problem is she does not know that this stays with you forever. You have admitted as much yourself. Over the last 6 years if you were not sneaking diapers you were thinking about them. You are now on a support site with allot of us that already know this truth. In our lives, diapers are ubiquitous... they here to stay. We have all binged and purged and repeated. Personally, I gave up diapers for 30 years when I got married. Not because she asked me to, she knew nothing about this side of me then, but because I thought if she knew this about me she would leave me. And although I literally abstained for 30 years, mentally the diapers were always there, the need was always there. It was not until I had enough knowledge about this "unusual character trait" and hitting the lowest point in my life, that I had enough courage to tell my wife. The difference was this, I did not come at the conversation from a "negative". Yes, it was "something that I had struggled with all of my life" but I told her it was me from the time I was 3-4.

In the nearly 6 years that I have been on this board, I have witnessed far more gentlemen be rejected, shunned or frozen out than I have seen acceptance. I was one of the lucky ones, my wife accepted this side of me immediately. There are just a handful of us on here that are living with wives that are true, "unicorns". The rest live in the shadows and wish that things were different.

You are at a cross roads. Despite the commitment that you have already made you need to think long and hard about moving forward in this relationship. It sounds like the 2 of you have bought a house... you are one "I DO" away from giving her the house when this blows up in your face. After you are married she will have all the power, the law and the threat of outing you to control you.

You sound like a young guy, and I hate to give you the bad news but very infrequently do women who have not liked this from the start, do they ever come around.

If you think getting out of the arrangement that you have now will be difficult, it pales in comparison to after you are married with the potential to have kids.

I would recommend that you think on this very hard. Your fiancee hears wedding bells, she has the fever to make this happen, she may do and say just enough to seal the deal and then you could spend of the rest of your life sad, lonely and frustrated.

There is a therapist that specializes in AB/DL and couples therapy. Her name is Dr. Rhoda Lipscomb, you can find her here: https://thediaperdoctor.com/dr-rhoda-mental-health-and-sexuality-expert/ before making any irreversible life decisions, you might want to try and arrange some phone counseling with her and your fiancee. Additionally, I would recommend you read her book: "Your Not Broken" so you can get a new perspective on "you". I know this sounds expensive, but in light of other potential consequences it is much cheaper than the alternative of a divorce. If you really want this to work between you and your fiancee, do what it takes to try and get this counseling. If your fiancee refuses on principal... you just need to move one. Having a 3rd objective party explain this to your Fiancee may do the trick.

I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you are playing for keeps now. Impending weddings develop so much momentum that after a point they are hard to stop. You and your fiancee have a whole life ahead of you... you want to go in on a positive... otherwise move on for the sake of you both.
Click to expand...

This is the right answer. I strongly recommend you follow it Unfortunately it’s not the one you will get from most corners of adisc.

The internet will convince you that abdl is border-line mainstream, it isn’t. Most women (and men) Will struggle to understand.

Life is about compromises, a life-long relationship is more important than your life of diapers. Indulge occasionally and secretly if you like but don’t let it consume you. Bottom line- she didn’t like them now, she probably never will and you should take care that this one thing dose not become a relationship ender.

Good luck, really sorry you’re in this position but it is one that many of us recognise.
 
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