I probably made myself functionally incontinent - and I regret it

[dpcare]

Update:

A bit over a year has passed, and i've been doing kegel exercises on and off while wearing thin pull ups to school as an emergency thing. I became more serious with the kegel training a few months ago as I grew tired of my frequent urges. I've been following a kegel regimen and a wetting diary to keep track of my progress - but it's exhausting.

The only real result i've been getting is that I now feel the urge to pee at around 200 ml (vs. previous 150). I really have to pee at 250 ml, where the bladder starts contracting regularly (OAB) and therefore I can only hold it for a maximum of 10 minutes. At 300-350 ml the bladder contractions are constant and overwhelming, and this is usually where I pee myself unless I squeeze my regions down below and jump around. The maximum capacity compared to last year hasn't changed (400 ml), which is a capacity I realistically cannot reach if i'm outside of my house.

I've also started needing to pee in the middle of the night, since I get woken up by the urge (around 250 ml). My doctor agrees that for my age (25) it's not per se normal, but according to him it's not a valid reason to further investigate unless I wake up 2 or more times during the night. He explained that I might've been born with a smaller/more sensitive bladder since I was born prematurely. I got some drugs that calm down my bladder, but it also makes my mouth really dry, so I only use them occasionally.

So to conclude, the amount of work i've putten into kegel training hasn't yielded any worthwhile results. I've therefore arrived at a point where I'm considering accepting my congenital/aquired bladder problems, and go with a more sedentary solution such as wearing pull ups + taking the pills if need be.

Be careful what you wish for that wish may come true

 

[Deleted member 60117]

I had several surgeries on my urethra/sphincters which left me incontinent. I'm fairly sure that with great effort I could have regained some control. However I did not even try. It has been my dream to be in diapers since I was very young. Now after 12 years of letting go, I have less control than ever. The feeling of peeing uncontrollably at any moment is an amazing feeling, even after all this time. More and more it catches me off guard, and I only realize it after the flow starts. It is nice to not have any thoughts or feelings of my bladder. For me, I do not regret it. If it is possible, I like diapers more now than 12 years ago.

I understand that many people dislike being dependent on diapers. Some of us actually love it though. If there was a magic fix for me, I would not take it. Even if I was forced to take it, I would continue wearing diapers 24/7. My life became complete once I became diaper dependent. Before that, I was not happy and spent WAY too much time fantasizing about it. Now I am living my fantasy, and can spend my thoughts and time on other things in life. Diapers are just part of my routine, and do not hold me back from much anything. I have no shame or fear of anyone finding out. Sometimes I have catastrophic leaks, but they make me laugh not cry. My friends and family all know and are cool with it. Some friends tease me in a good way and we laugh. Some of my bondage buddies even wear them during scenes. I find that if I don't act ashamed and totally own it, others treat it as normal.

If you haven't got damage to your system, you can easily regain control by reversing your behavior. Practice holding your pee longer and longer. Even with both of my sphincters cut, I can hold it back for a while, and I bet with enough determination and practice I could get by with a pad or less. The difference is I don't want to even try. Perhaps you don't want to either. You had to work pretty hard to get where you are, but it is reversible. I don't have any sympathy for people like you, because you did it to yourself. I also want no sympathy for me because I am happy as can be and would not change anything. In other words, no regrets.

Did you have the surgeries on your urethra/sphincter in order to achieve
incontinence, or has your incontinence been a by-product of having these
surgeries? Just asking as I haven't yet met anyone who has had surgery
to make themselves incontinent, so I wasn't sure if that's what you're
describing in your post.

 

[AJFan2020]

Update:

A bit over a year has passed, and i've been doing kegel exercises on and off while wearing thin pull ups to school as an emergency thing. I became more serious with the kegel training a few months ago as I grew tired of my frequent urges. I've been following a kegel regimen and a wetting diary to keep track of my progress - but it's exhausting.

The only real result i've been getting is that I now feel the urge to pee at around 200 ml (vs. previous 150). I really have to pee at 250 ml, where the bladder starts contracting regularly (OAB) and therefore I can only hold it for a maximum of 10 minutes. At 300-350 ml the bladder contractions are constant and overwhelming, and this is usually where I pee myself unless I squeeze my regions down below and jump around. The maximum capacity compared to last year hasn't changed (400 ml), which is a capacity I realistically cannot reach if i'm outside of my house.

I've also started needing to pee in the middle of the night, since I get woken up by the urge (around 250 ml). My doctor agrees that for my age (25) it's not per se normal, but according to him it's not a valid reason to further investigate unless I wake up 2 or more times during the night. He explained that I might've been born with a smaller/more sensitive bladder since I was born prematurely. I got some drugs that calm down my bladder, but it also makes my mouth really dry, so I only use them occasionally.

So to conclude, the amount of work i've putten into kegel training hasn't yielded any worthwhile results. I've therefore arrived at a point where I'm considering accepting my congenital/aquired bladder problems, and go with a more sedentary solution such as wearing pull ups + taking the pills if need be.

I should start by saying that I am not a doctor, never have been, never will be. That being said, from what you mention in this post it sounds like your condition is mostly congenital.

I was also born prematurely and my bladder capacity in my 20s was similar. Back when I was 25 I dealt with that in one of two ways.

1. I would often limit my fluid intake for short periods of time, but this is not sustainable long-term (due to the possibility of dehydration). Along with this I would use the toilet before lectures (and before watching comedies and sitcoms) and empty my bladder as much as possible before starting any activity lasting more than an hour or so.

2. On some occasions (for example, when allergies, allergy medications, and UTIs caused my bladder to act up I would deal with this back in the early 2000s by wearing Goodnites (I only weighed about 125 pounds (give or take) back in 2000 at age 25). This was not ideal, though, because they would sometimes leak and had no odor control (as far as I could tell), but at least it was better than nothing. I would only do this when I absolutely needed to, though, because I have always wanted to keep as much bladder control as possible.

My sphincter muscles (all of them (without being too descriptive)) have always been weak (even though I am male, and my parents have always told me that (on average) it is “mostly a female thing“. For example, I only learned how to stop urinating after starting (through trial and error over a period of five or six years) when I was about nine or ten years old. I have read that most girls learn how to do this by age three or so and that most guys learn how to do this no earlier than age three-and-a-half to four (or even five) at the latest (with guys taking a bit longer due to maturing more slowly overall).

I eventually acquired this level control by “practicing“ while playing in the back yard at my parents house. Basically, instead of going inside to pee in the toilet I would wet my shorts (or other clothes) while playing (usually by choice, but not always). Through trial and error I discovered that I could make myself wet my shorts (or other clothing) by tightening my stomach even when I didn’t need to “go“ yet. I think I learned how to do this shortly after I turned four. This discovery allowed me to be able to “go before leaving the house“ fairly consistently sometime between age five-and-a-half and six. This reduced (but did not eliminate) my accidents during car rides and shopping trips.

Later on, I discovered that when I wet my pants (or shorts) while playing I was able to tighten my stomach in order to speed up the flow and stop tightening my stomach and tighten other muscles in order to slow it down. I would usually do this while playing with my Tonka toy truck in the sandbox or with a bucket (also in the sandbox). By age eight I was finally able to slow the flow down to a trickle but I still couldn’t stop it yet. It was only a year or two after that that I was able to do this. I discovered how to do this completely by accident around (I seem to recall) age nine or ten before a doctor’s appointment when my mother needed to collect a urine sample and she (I think accidentally) placed her hand inside my urine stream while she was moving the cup into position and I (more or less instinctively) cut the flow. It was only at least six months after that that my night-time control improved and I was finally able to sleep without a diaper. By this point (I think around age ten-and-a-half to eleven) I was finally able to wake up mid-pee, walk to the bathroom, and finish in the toilet. That is pretty much where I am even today if I drink any liquids before bed. Fortunately, my mattress protector works well if anything does happen.

Some time back (within the past year or so) during a phone conversation with my father I admitted that I did this when I was younger (and mentioned the age ranges) and I asked him if I was misbehaving or “being a baby“ by doing this. He explained that what I was doing was actually more toddler behavior than baby behavior. He (rather surprisingly) told me that what I was doing was actually pretty normal even if I did it for much longer than average. He explained to me that virtually all toddlers do this and that due to my complications from a premature birth I was (in effect) a toddler for many years longer than the norm. He also told me that by doing a deliberate speeding up and slowing down of the flow during these play sessions that I was actually (from the sound of it) doing Kegels without realizing it and actually improving my control (even if I didn’t know it at the time) and that given where I was developmentally that I was actually doing exactly the right thing (under the circumstances).

In short don’t expect immediate results with improving your control. It can take literally years even during childhood when these things are easier to learn. Keep working on it. Chances are you will get there eventually (if your bladder is not already fully grown). A urologist may be able to tell you if your bladder capacity can be improved.

 

[SwedishAMAZING]

This is all very complicated. I have gone through several lengthy periods of diaper use as an adult. Sometimes, nearly 24/7. I did so for 6months a few years back, and quit cold turkey. I started up again a month ago, and it has taken over my life. I am completely obsessed. I am going through a binge cycle of diapers, and have way too many. I am only out of them a couple of hours a day, and go freely in the, the rest of the day. My experience is that while it is possible to make yourself functionaally incontinent if you let yourself completely go, it is also possible to retrain yourself when and if you want to remain in control. Wearing a diaper can actually make it harder to retrain because it can trigger the physical impulse to go.

Our bladders shrink when we don’t call on them to do their job. But, just like a couch potato who can go to the gym and get in shape, we often can retrain a bladder if there are no other complications. There are some techniques that can be found on line if that is whet you want. You have to want it, but this is sort of like trying to get off drugs. Motivation waxes and wanes, and recidivism is high.

As for me, I am having a lot of different feelings about my current state of affairs. I get a total vicarious pleasure, not sexual, from wearing and using. 2 years ago, my shrink freaked out when I told her about this, and she wanted me on meds. I wanted her to learn more about the lifestyle, but she refused. She discussed me in a case conference where the opinions were that it was at least bizarre and possibly psychotic behavior, without knowing me or learning about the community. I am afraid to tell her about it now because I know that she will not have an open mind. The truth is that I am getting isolated, it is a bad secret to keep because it feels deviant, and while I like wearing them, I am less happy.

For me, it feels like this will always be with me. I will stop and start as I need to. I know what triggers it. I am hoping to get bored soon so I can get back to my normal routine. For me, all the satisfaction will go away when I no longer have the choice. So I need to try not to go too far. Best of luck to those who are navigating through this.

Any thoughts?

Sounds to me you are in the same mental prison i was in as a teen. Alone, guitly, ashamed, afraid. You're shrink is a quack. Thats what they do, run ye through the system, pump ye full of drugs. I'll put money on one thing: you are yet another american failed by the health system, no? Its not fair to anyone involved. I went through this, and i never got help because my parents didnt believe me when i tried to tell them about the AB/DL community. I was suicidal, severly depressed, and barely made it to adulthood. I still suffer side effects from all those years of binge/purge, lying to my parents, pretending to bedwet so i could wear diapers. Beating myself to hell because of the guilt i was feeling for being "abdbornal". Guilt adds up, shame cements guilt to fear.


Dont not let a stupid ass "doctor" control your life. Get a new one, she is crappy. I can tell you from personal experience she is leading you down a road ive been on. Dont end up like me, dealing with the aftermath of years of self-emotional-abuse. Its very real, and a huge problem in society.

 

[TommyTheDiaperDuck]

This has been a hard decision for me, I want this but I also don't want it! I have so much life to live and I would hate to waste it on this 1 wish right now, yet I have been thinking once I get older I could try this, because I don't know the feeling of being dependent and who knows I might not lose control, and maybe I might! I know this is something I will regret and or cherish for the rest of my life.

 

[LittleofMorley]

You know Incontince is something I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy. Its very uncomfortable, it can get very painful. It's not just a matter of leaking urine, it's a constant leakage, no let up, then there are the UTI along with kidney infections, which lead to painful back aches, swears and doses of antibiotics. You know the damage that acid in urine can do to the skin, the tears, cracks, blisters. So if you want to feel like no bladder control use a catheter. Enjoy your diapers, be safe stay healthy.

 

[TommyTheDiaperDuck]

You know Incontince is something I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy. Its very uncomfortable, it can get very painful. It's not just a matter of leaking urine, it's a constant leakage, no let up, then there are the UTI along with kidney infections, which lead to painful back aches, swears and doses of antibiotics. You know the damage that acid in urine can do to the skin, the tears, cracks, blisters. So if you want to feel like no bladder control use a catheter. Enjoy your diapers, be safe stay healthy.

can't a catheter cause the person to get cancer?

 

[LittleofMorley]

can't a catheter cause the person to get cancer?

No, they are perfectly safe when used sterile and using the sterile gel that helps with lubricant. There are far to many of these stories from people who think they know something but after using a catheter for 2 years and spoke to a long line of experts and not a single one mentioned cancer. So no.

 

[blaincorrous]

can't a catheter cause the person to get cancer?

I haven’t heard that, but repeated/extended use of a Foley can cause infections, abrasions leading to stricture, and damage to sphincter. Under the right situations, irritation of tissues can lead to cancer, especially if foreign material like dust or degraded cath material gets incorporated into the tissue as it heals. I suppose an HPV infection is possible under the right/wrong conditions, which could also lead to a cancer, but that sounds like a significant breach of sterile practices to make that happen. I don’t think cancers are anything close to common with catheter use, but if we’re talking about the mere possibility, you can always lean on the adage that anything can “cause” cancer.

I have experimented with sounding and cathing, and I keep coming back to the same conclusion: don’t get used to doing it long term. I’d even recommend against experimenting in that domain. Trust me, having a cath isn’t the same as peeing. You aren’t going to feel the flow… and it stings like a mofo when you pee normally after. I found it much more unsatisfying than I thought I would. But since I’ve done it and reported an unsatisfying experience, someone reading this should lean and skip the whole thing.

And perish the thought of becoming “temporarily” incontinent if you’re otherwise healthy. Nearly all practices in that domain are risky and carry the possiblity of permanence or at the very least an embarrassing trip to the ER.

Most urethral play risks making you a permanent resident of the IC forum, not just a friendly supportive visitor. Better to just don’t.

 

[dpcare]

This has been a hard decision for me, I want this but I also don't want it! I have so much life to live and I would hate to waste it on this 1 wish right now, yet I have been thinking once I get older I could try this, because I don't know the feeling of being dependent and who knows I might not lose control, and maybe I might! I know this is something I will regret and or cherish for the rest of my life.

you know once you have gone fully diaper dependent there is no taking a break I am fully incontinent due to injuries in a car crash I have no choice in the matter if I go without diapers I will make a mess about the longest I can go without diapers is long enough to take a shower or may sit on some chux pads to give my skin some air time but even during those times there is no guarantee I am not going to wet during those times I am truly diaper dependent

 

[dpcare]

You know Incontince is something I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy. Its very uncomfortable, it can get very painful. It's not just a matter of leaking urine, it's a constant leakage, no let up, then there are the UTI along with kidney infections, which lead to painful back aches, swears and doses of antibiotics. You know the damage that acid in urine can do to the skin, the tears, cracks, blisters. So if you want to feel like no bladder control use a catheter. Enjoy your diapers, be safe stay healthy.

I highly agree I am fully inconvenient due to injuries in a car crash

 

[TommyTheDiaperDuck]

You know Incontince is something I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy. Its very uncomfortable, it can get very painful. It's not just a matter of leaking urine, it's a constant leakage, no let up, then there are the UTI along with kidney infections, which lead to painful back aches, swears and doses of antibiotics. You know the damage that acid in urine can do to the skin, the tears, cracks, blisters. So if you want to feel like no bladder control use a catheter. Enjoy your diapers, be safe stay healthy.

I agree! some people know to manage that, maybe I could. and if I try this like what Dpcare says there is no taking a break from this! and if I do go down this path I will tell people not to do the same thing as me unless they truly want to wear diapers for the rest of their life! I know one thing I hate doing is using the bathroom and again I don't want to be seen as a person on here who became diaper dependent, I want to be seen as a person who enjoys diapers and has to wear them 24/7 by his own choice! Its not 100% wrong unless the person truly wants it and is not harming himself.

 

[TommyTheDiaperDuck]

I haven’t heard that, but repeated/extended use of a Foley can cause infections, abrasions leading to stricture, and damage to sphincter. Under the right situations, irritation of tissues can lead to cancer, especially if foreign material like dust or degraded cath material gets incorporated into the tissue as it heals. I suppose an HPV infection is possible under the right/wrong conditions, which could also lead to a cancer, but that sounds like a significant breach of sterile practices to make that happen. I don’t think cancers are anything close to common with catheter use, but if we’re talking about the mere possibility, you can always lean on the adage that anything can “cause” cancer.

I have experimented with sounding and cathing, and I keep coming back to the same conclusion: don’t get used to doing it long term. I’d even recommend against experimenting in that domain. Trust me, having a cath isn’t the same as peeing. You aren’t going to feel the flow… and it stings like a mofo when you pee normally after. I found it much more unsatisfying than I thought I would. But since I’ve done it and reported an unsatisfying experience, someone reading this should lean and skip the whole thing.

And perish the thought of becoming “temporarily” incontinent if you’re otherwise healthy. Nearly all practices in that domain are risky and carry the possiblity of permanence or at the very least an embarrassing trip to the ER.

Most urethral play risks making you a permanent resident of the IC forum, not just a friendly supportive visitor. Better to just don’t.

so it can make me incontinent if I use it long term? its better I use it as a short term.

 

[blaincorrous]

so it can make me incontinent if I use it long term? its better I use it as a short term.

I don’t think you’re listening…

 

[TommyTheDiaperDuck]

I don’t think you’re listening…

why is that?

 

[MoonTheProtogen]

I just wanted to know, is it a sign of IC when I pee without me knoing, and it happens simultaneously? Just asking, because I think I might be developing IC.

 

[blaincorrous]

why is that?

You’re much better off not sticking things in your urethra.

 

[slimjiminy]

You know [Incontinence] is something I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy. ....

I used to say that until the war in Ukraine happened. I might wish it upon Putin, the murderous lying thug that he is.

 

[TommyTheDiaperDuck]

You’re much better off not sticking things in your urethra.

Yeh, I just thought of only doing diapers forever till I become dependent that way

 

[Diaperman95]

I should start by saying that I am not a doctor, never have been, never will be. That being said, from what you mention in this post it sounds like your condition is mostly congenital.

I was also born prematurely and my bladder capacity in my 20s was similar. Back when I was 25 I dealt with that in one of two ways.

1. I would often limit my fluid intake for short periods of time, but this is not sustainable long-term (due to the possibility of dehydration). Along with this I would use the toilet before lectures (and before watching comedies and sitcoms) and empty my bladder as much as possible before starting any activity lasting more than an hour or so.

2. On some occasions (for example, when allergies, allergy medications, and UTIs caused my bladder to act up I would deal with this back in the early 2000s by wearing Goodnites (I only weighed about 125 pounds (give or take) back in 2000 at age 25). This was not ideal, though, because they would sometimes leak and had no odor control (as far as I could tell), but at least it was better than nothing. I would only do this when I absolutely needed to, though, because I have always wanted to keep as much bladder control as possible.

My sphincter muscles (all of them (without being too descriptive)) have always been weak (even though I am male, and my parents have always told me that (on average) it is “mostly a female thing“. For example, I only learned how to stop urinating after starting (through trial and error over a period of five or six years) when I was about nine or ten years old. I have read that most girls learn how to do this by age three or so and that most guys learn how to do this no earlier than age three-and-a-half to four (or even five) at the latest (with guys taking a bit longer due to maturing more slowly overall).

I eventually acquired this level control by “practicing“ while playing in the back yard at my parents house. Basically, instead of going inside to pee in the toilet I would wet my shorts (or other clothes) while playing (usually by choice, but not always). Through trial and error I discovered that I could make myself wet my shorts (or other clothing) by tightening my stomach even when I didn’t need to “go“ yet. I think I learned how to do this shortly after I turned four. This discovery allowed me to be able to “go before leaving the house“ fairly consistently sometime between age five-and-a-half and six. This reduced (but did not eliminate) my accidents during car rides and shopping trips.

Later on, I discovered that when I wet my pants (or shorts) while playing I was able to tighten my stomach in order to speed up the flow and stop tightening my stomach and tighten other muscles in order to slow it down. I would usually do this while playing with my Tonka toy truck in the sandbox or with a bucket (also in the sandbox). By age eight I was finally able to slow the flow down to a trickle but I still couldn’t stop it yet. It was only a year or two after that that I was able to do this. I discovered how to do this completely by accident around (I seem to recall) age nine or ten before a doctor’s appointment when my mother needed to collect a urine sample and she (I think accidentally) placed her hand inside my urine stream while she was moving the cup into position and I (more or less instinctively) cut the flow. It was only at least six months after that that my night-time control improved and I was finally able to sleep without a diaper. By this point (I think around age ten-and-a-half to eleven) I was finally able to wake up mid-pee, walk to the bathroom, and finish in the toilet. That is pretty much where I am even today if I drink any liquids before bed. Fortunately, my mattress protector works well if anything does happen.

Some time back (within the past year or so) during a phone conversation with my father I admitted that I did this when I was younger (and mentioned the age ranges) and I asked him if I was misbehaving or “being a baby“ by doing this. He explained that what I was doing was actually more toddler behavior than baby behavior. He (rather surprisingly) told me that what I was doing was actually pretty normal even if I did it for much longer than average. He explained to me that virtually all toddlers do this and that due to my complications from a premature birth I was (in effect) a toddler for many years longer than the norm. He also told me that by doing a deliberate speeding up and slowing down of the flow during these play sessions that I was actually (from the sound of it) doing Kegels without realizing it and actually improving my control (even if I didn’t know it at the time) and that given where I was developmentally that I was actually doing exactly the right thing (under the circumstances).

In short don’t expect immediate results with improving your control. It can take literally years even during childhood when these things are easier to learn. Keep working on it. Chances are you will get there eventually (if your bladder is not already fully grown). A urologist may be able to tell you if your bladder capacity can be improved.

When we sleep are body falls into different levels of sleep with rem sleep being the deepest sleep. When in rem sleep our body does a lot of things one thing is it paralyzes you reflexes so you can not move. It also slows down our kidney production so our bladders do not get as full and wake us. Not getting proper sleep and falling into that dep sleep can cause a person to get up several times at night. Then some people even if they sleep real good still their kidneys do not slow production. Many times in middle age or older men the prostrate swells and makes it hard to empty well and we go to bed thinking we are empty but our bladder has less capacity and this is one thing that make older males have to get up multiple times. Then what we drink and how much we drink make a difference as well. Most people do not realize how important proper sleep is and what all it effects.

But it is not Normal for a 25 year old to get up in the middle of the night to go pee. Nor is it normal to have leakage. If you have not been to a urologists then that is your best next step. But if you are not sleeping well you might mention it to the doctor too. It is hard to say the cause because so many things effect bladder and kidney function. I am not a doctor either but I thought I might give you another idea what it could be causing it at night.. If you are not ready to become incontinent or have bladder issues than don't just give in unless you have too. But there are worse things in life than having to wear diapers.