DL for life starting at age 41!

[LainIsLain]

Some of you may remember me from a few weeks ago. I kinda had a mini meltdown after wearing AB diapers for the first time. I thought I would post an update and my first diaper review!

First I'd like to say thank you for the supportive posts I received that night. I sent a link to two very good friends of mine and they arranged a therapist appointment before they came to my house. They saw I was in pain and acted accordingly. I don’t know how I will ever repay them for their compassion.

Currently I’m three sessions into EMDR trauma therapy. This is the first therapy I’ve ever had! Very interesting process and I’m committed to finishing no matter the outcome. I had no idea how emotional and cathartic it could be! Having to tell someone and then having read back verbatim the trauma you experienced is something you really can’t put into words! I was thinking of posting a more detailed description of my therapy in the mature/off-topic forum. Maybe someone will find it relatable or supportive in their own efforts. Anyway…. DIAPERS!!!

This is all still very new to me! Therapy aside I firmly believe I will be a DL for life going forward! Since my meltdown I’ve been wearing one to bed each night. There is a part of me that missed wearing them even though it's literally been 35yrs since I’ve had to wear one. Adapting to the DL lifestyle at 41 is very strange indeed. It's like wearing a watch for the first time when you’ve never worn one before. They are still a little distracting in bed. And they definitely make me feel hotter than I’m used to. I kinda wish I discovered/accepted this much earlier in my life! I think I would have had great fun with it!

So I dove in head first! Man…. the internet is awesome! You don’t even have to leave the house!! LOL

Here's what I've got so far in order of purchase. For reference I’m 5’6”, 210lbs, 42” waist.



Diapers:
Littleforbig - Little Fantasy(L)
Rearz - Barnyard(L)
InControl - Elite Hybrid(L)
Rearz - Rebel(L)
Rearz - Safari(L)
ABUniverse ABU Simple Ultra Diapers(L)
ABUniverse ABU Simple Ultra Diapers(XL) --Not tried yet--
ABUniverse PeekABU(L) --Not tried yet--
ABUniverse Preschool Plastic(L) --Not tried yet--
ABUniverse LittlePawz(L) --Not tried yet--
ABUniverse Space Large(L) --Not tried yet--

Cloth:
Rearz - Snap Crotch Bodysuit - White(XL)
Rearz - Omutsu Bulky Fitted Nighttime Cloth Diaper (Blue - Airplanes) (Medium/Large)
Rearz - Omutsu Bulky Fitted Nighttime Cloth Diaper (White) (Large/X-Large)

Powders:
Caldesene Baby Powder
Caldesene Medicated Protecting Powder
DUDE Body Powder, Fragrance Free

Creams:
Desitin Maximum Strength Baby Diaper Rash Cream
3M Cavilon Durable Barrier Cream
Gold Bond Ultimate Healing Skin Therapy Lotion

As you can see this is a shotgun approach to the problem of not knowing what you want. LOL

Littleforbig - Little Fantasy:
Was the first I tried. Right now I’m not into AB or ageplay and I really don’t mind or care for the printed diapers. My impression is they are the most plasticy feeling diapers I’ve tried. Not necessarily in a bad way either. One thing I’ve found is that I have an affinity for the feel of the exterior of the diaper! Especially around the curves on my backside. Like laying face down and just feeling around my backside and hips. What a strange new sensation but I love the hell out of it! But also for the front!! I’ll explain more later. It only took a few days but now I’m very comfortable peeing in them while in bed. When wet these feel kinda hard in the wet region compared to the others. And yes I did learn quickly that fluffing is a must! They were rock hard the first few nights! LOL

Rearz - Barnyard:
Now these were very different. Sooooo soft on the inside!! Their exterior was different also. Less plastic feel for sure. And of course these are hook and loop. To be honest I’m not a fan. Yes it did hold through the night but my confidence wasn’t 100%. Right now I prefer a tighter fit on my body that the tapes give. Also with hook and loop it’s a cloth landing up front. I think I much prefer the full plastic landing. While in bed I love to run my fingers on it. Something about that plastic!! When wet it felt a little more pliable between my legs and not so hard.

InControl - Elite Hybrid:
Softer still!! These things are very comfortable to wear in bed. It’s hook and loop but it did stay on me all night so props for that.

Rearz - Rebel:
Totally different exterior feel! Very satisfying while laying face down and love the four tapes! These have a different core(no blue stripe). When wet they are very pliable! Kinda soft and squishy but still dry after one use. Not sure I got a bad run but these have little tough chunks in the plastic backing. I can feel them when I’m in bed and they flake off if I scratch them. Still comfortable but feels like a cheaper product.

Rearz - Safari:
I’ve only tried one so far. Very comfy to wear like the Barnyard. Love the four tapes!! When wet it feels a little harder than the Rebels but still soft enough to not be an issue. I will try another one soon. I am fluffing but maybe not hard enough?

ABUniverse ABU Simple Ultra Diapers:
First off the sizing on these diapers seems to be on the small side for me. All the Rearz products felt huge in comparison. So I ordered some XL’s to see if they fit me better. I like the full coverage feel on the Rearz large sizes!
Oh ya the exterior!!! Wow the plastic feel is very different and very soft! I think I prefer these for their plastic feel alone. The interior is ok. Definitely not as soft as Barnyard or InControl - Elite Hybrid, but soft enough. When wet they seem pliable and soft.

If the XL’s fit better I think these will be my default but the Safari was a close second.

Cloths:
I don’t think I’m a fan of the cloth diapers. These seem awkward and ill fitting for my body. And OMG they take forever to dry in the dryer!! Not sure I’ll try them again but who knows.

Now the Rearz - Snap Crotch Bodysuit on the other hand is awesome. I never wore pj’s but this thing is awesome. I love the way it holds the diaper in place while in bed. I can move all around and things stay nice and cozy. Definitely getting more of these.

I did buy some samples of the other ABUniverse products but haven’t tried them yet.

Powders:
Learned pretty quick that powder is a must! Both Caldesene types I have are good but I’m not sure I like the smell so I got Dude brand unscented. This may or may not sound weird but the diaper smell itself is something I didn’t think would matter. Kind of a faint antiseptic smell. So far the Littleforbig have the most distinctive smell to me and I wish the others smelled the same. Oh well…

Creams:
I was using Gold Bond around the groin area but stopped because the powder seems to do the trick and keep things dry. I did have to use some barrier cream on a small chafed spot. Both Desitin and the 3M stuff seems to work well. Desitin is very thick paste. The 3M is a cream and has a pleasant smell like coconut.

So in short I very much like plastic backed diapers with tapes! I love the feel of the plastic in a BIG WAY and I’m not a big fan of the baby powder smell or printed diapers. The Rearz - Snap Crotch Bodysuit does conceal the diaper so I can’t feel it as much, but It makes up for it by keeping things in place while I sleep. Getting a good fit is something I’m still learning. Like attaching the bottom tapes first and bringing the top tapes downward at an angle to achieve the tighter fit I want around the waist area. With this new bulkiness while sleeping it was necessary for me to get a leg/knee pillow. Never had one before but I think this was the right choice. Definitely more comfortable side sleeping with it.

Like I said it’s like wearing a watch when you’ve never worn one before. Sleeping is getting easier and the other night was the best yet! Just as I woke I did a little wiggle. The diaper had a whole night to conform to my shape and was firmly affixed to my posterior. Felt so good I just kept wiggling with a smile on my face!

I believe this has aided in my therapy even though it’s early days. I don’t intend to wear them in public. Right now I just look forward to coming home after work or a therapy session and getting into a diaper. I even started meditating which was recommended to me. Of course i’m doing that in a diaper and it’s great. So relaxing especially if I get a good fit. I’m looking forward to posting and reading in the future. Although I don’t know anyone here I’ve seen nothing but caring and compassion form the replies to my earlier post.

Thank you all and hope things are going well in your lives!

One point for knowing my avatar pic.

 

[BigBlueBear]

That's a great collection you have there! Happy to see you fully embrace your DL side after 35 years! As the saying goes, better late than never!

Regarding your therapy, I think it's great that you are fully committed to it. Admittedly, I had to look at your post history to understand the full story, and wow — I'm loving the positivity in this post! Obviously, you're not out of the woods yet, but I'm hopeful for you.

Keep on keeping on, and stay diapered

Oh, and about your avatar:

Spoiler

It's Lain from Serial Experiments Lain!

 

[RedPandaDL]

Welcome to ADISC. I just read your original thread you posted June 20th. I feel for you and am glad you are getting help. I lost my mom to cancer in my early thirties, and I know it is hard. I just became a DL about a year and a half ago at age 43, so you aren’t the only one to discover diapers at an older age than most. They can be very comforting and cause no harm to others, so enjoy them! Again, I am glad you have caring friends, and now you have many more here on ADISC.

 

[Emmie7]

Good for you and those are great reviews! You are an inspiration for others that it could happen at any age, not just younger people, to discover the joy of wearing diapers.

 

[LainIsLain]

"The objective of the object is to objectify the mean of the wrong kind of worry."

We are living in strange times indeed. As I move forward with a new prospective in life, I look back with a heavy heart. People I've hurt and things I've said. All apart of a persona wrapped tight with guilt and shame of a trauma that had to be kept secret. My life is changing before my eyes. Yes I'm not out of the woods but I can see the field beyond trees and I see sunshine.

 

[LainIsLain]

Ha! Another thing that's oddly satisfying is rolling and tieing up a diaper in the morning. Weird... kind like doing it for a child but I don't have kids. LOL

 

[WABX]

Nice tie-up job. I will have to try that. Thanks

 

[KaleidoscopeKitty]

I am on the waiting list for EMDR therapy, to be honest it sounds a little out-there in terms of therapies but I have a diagnosis of C-PTSD and the therapist said it would be the better option for me so I would definitely be interested to hear about your experiences. I have had talking therapy (CAT) a couple of years ago and it helped me with some of my difficulties, but I wasn’t able to address much of my trauma as I find it really hard to talk about and so I only touched the surface of my issues.

I pretty much gave up diapers over 5 years ago but things have been really hard for me lately and that’s escalated over lockdown. My biggest coping mechanism is self-harm which obviously is quite harmful. Over the last week or so I found myself turning back to diapers and although I feel quite a lot of shame around that I am hoping that I can use it as an alternative coping mechanism so it is interested to hear about your experiences. I have been feeling shame and anxiety around the thought of ordering AB diapers rather than using the medical brands, sticking to the medical brands somehow feels less like I’m giving in to something others would find weird and I guess I feel it could be explained away with a lie (Eg: bedwetting) which obviously a printed diaper couldn’t, but I am finding myself drawn to the AB diapers and I’m thinking maybe I should see the diapers as a type of therapy and healthier than repeated trips to hospital following self injury. They are probably the only thing to come close to the cutting in terms of offering comfort and a distraction so maybe I will be a healthier me in diapers, even if I am anxious about how others would see me if they knew.

It sounds like you have been able to share this side of yourself with friends and that they were accepting? Is it okay if I ask how you told them and how they reacted?

 

[Peepeegirl]

I was saying that now I always liked but started really wearing now in the quarantine, and it helps with my anxiety and don’t do my self destructive behaviors, it is hard to understand or accept but is better than hurting ourselves so let’s embrace diapers and live than die because we are doing something stupid ( I don’t mean to be rude if I did I am really sorry, because I was talking to you and me)

 

[KaleidoscopeKitty]

Yes, the diapers are definitely helping my anxiety. I have felt a lot calmer this week practicing self care and putting myself in a diaper every night and also I feel like I’ve felt less needy. I think some of my destructive behaviours stem from feeling lonely and uncared for and the small act of caring for myself and the security of being padded has really helped me feel calm and protected without spiralling because I don’t have another person to offer that. I live alone and so often feel negative at home which has obviously been amplified during lockdown but home has felt a calm space this week as I’ve been diapered almost the whole time I’ve been home.

I think I sort of accept this side of me, I just worry that to all of my ‘normal’ friends it would seem disgusting or even perverted and that they would get the wrong idea about it were I to be found out. I am a very anxious person so maybe I am just overthinking it as there’s no real reason anyone would discover this but I can’t help worrying about it!

 

[LainIsLain]

Hey KaleidoscopeKitty! Yes i'm going to EMDR and so far it's working but in a way I didn't expect. So I did a write up about my story that you can read here. I'm trying to update it as I continue with EMDR. https://www.adisc.org/forum/threads/resisting-the-fetish-because-of-a-secret.144117/

And if you want to see my very first post here..... may be heavy stuff to read though if your in a place mentally where secrets are kept.

First time. Events in my childhood come full circle.

Trigger Warning!!! Death, Self Harm, Childhood Trauma. I post this during a very tumultuous time in my life. Not only do I have to deal with Covid and the protests I'm mourning the death of my mother from cancer which happened on June, 1. I tried an ABDL diaper a few days ago. Still a little...

www.adisc.org

It sounds like you have been able to share this side of yourself with friends and that they were accepting? Is it okay if I ask how you told them and how they reacted?

EDIT: I have a roommate of 15yrs. He's understanding but doesn't want to talk about the ABDL stuff. He is supportive but that's a boundary we have made.

It's in those posts but I can summarize.

Mom died on June, 1. I resisted the diaper fetish for 35yrs. because of a secret self abusive behavior that later termed into self-harm after my dad left our family. Once mom was dead I decided to try ABDL diapers. A part of my brain wanted them for purely sexual reasons. The diapers were more comfortable than sexual and I had a mini meltdown that I posted on this forum in real time. (I know total drama queen!) LOL. I sent my friends the link and they had a plan in place before coming my house. I was going to tell them about the diapers initially but the metal break allowed the trauma to surface. That trauma was responsible for everything and guided my personality since I was about 5yrs old. My two closest friends were super adult about the whole thing. I've even worn at their house now. They don't partake but are very understanding that as a self soothing act it's pretty harmless to say the least. In short I really wish I had gotten help sooner!!

As for the EMDR. My therapist said to me that the whole point is to allow you to (in his words) "give a damn about your trauma!". By keeping it a secret you give yourself permission to not talk about it. And with 35yrs of reaffirming to myself I didn't have to talk about it, when the time came is was just as physical as emotional. I was 'locked' in my bed when my friends came to me. I physically couldn't move or get out of bed when they came in. I remember being hysterical clawing at my pillows!! The shame of people finding out was so great it literally broke me...

It's still early days and some are better than others. I've said before but the direction I'm going now started with that night and my close friends that helped me out. If you just need someone to chat with I think most people here would listen.

 

[surprise35]

So happy to hear that you have some supportive friends who are helping you through this and are mature enough to accept your diapers too. I have many years of deep shame around my diaper wearing that has left some very deep wounds. I was able to start seeing a very supportive therapist a couple of years ago who knows about ABDL and was supportive of me being little and wearing diapers while in session.

Thank you for sharing your story with us and glad to hear you are on a road to self-acceptance, it is not easy at all and you should be very proud of yourself.

 

[LainIsLain]

Thank you for the kind words!
I'm definitely not holding back. It's like I always wanted to wear but just never allowed myself the chance. DL for life!

This is last nights attire.

InControl - Elite Hybrid(L)
Rearz - Snap Crotch Bodysuit(XL) -These things are awesome!!!-
Littleforbig Bigshield Generation-2 -Still getting use to it.-

One of the big anxieties of course was how this information would change relationships with my friends and family. I'm happy to say so far I've received almost no negativity from anyone close to me. And that kinda makes my angry at myself. Should have taken care of this long time ago. I know everyone has a different prospective and it's hard to be objective. After all, we're all from somewhere. (stole that from a Tuber)

So far I've told six people.

My two close friends who are a couple. They have been 'hands on' from the beginning. They are awesome!

My long time roommate and friend. This was a harder one to come out to. As I look back I know I treated him like shit sometimes and it's because I didn't know how to manage my feelings. Especially anger! I shouldn't say this but I can't believe he's still my friend after some of the shit I threw his way. My other two friends had to intercept him before he came home to see me. They told him what was going on before me came into the room. This would have been the next day. I had a terrible night and was 'locked' in my bed again as he entered the room. He just held my hand as I cried. He is supportive but would rather not be exposed to the diapers and that's cool with me. BTW I know he wont read this but he's a furry(no suit yet but has a fursona...!!)

My close cousin. She knows everything and is just as understanding as my other friends. She's been through her own stuff and is very supportive!

One of my childhood friends. As I lay in my bed the day after I was thinking of people I wanted to tell. I called my friend and told him strait up I was in my bed with a diaper on. (I think I was stuttering badly as the time fresh from the mental break) He just listened and said he was sorry that I had to keep it a secret! I think he said something like "dude we're all into weird shit sometimes". That totally deflated my anxiety for a minute. Like my roommate he's not into it and that's cool.

My younger sister. This one took a week before I could tell her. She had a bad life after dad left. Drugs, homeless, pregnant, so on... She's on the right side of things now and I'm glad for that! She was also supportive! We are still grieving my mom's death together so this was a bit of a shock. I had to take anxiety meds to get through that talk, but things are good. She cares about what's happened and our communication hasn't been better!

 

[KaleidoscopeKitty]

I’m really pleased to hear everyone you’ve told has been supportive. I feel very certain that if people I know found out about this side of me they wouldn’t be able to accept it and would react with disgust but I don’t know if that is just because I have attached so much shame onto this part of myself in the past. It is really shocking to me that people have been able to accept you and I think that’s in part because it’s making me have to re-evaluate whether it would really be so awful if people I know found this out about me. Although diapers aren’t a fetish for me I think some of this anxiety is linked to the idea others would think I found diapers arousing. I have a lot of difficult feelings linked to sex and sexual arousal, I think due to a mix of being sexually assaulted and from struggling with being asexual. I find the idea of my own sexuality or sexual desires incredibly shameful. Sorry, I feel like I am hijackimg your post again but for some reason reading about your journey is triggering an awful lot of soul searching for me and causing me to think about this in a way I haven’t previously. Thank you for sharing.

 

[LainIsLain]

I can tell you strait up that i'm not the person I was a month ago.

One thing I never really had was a sexual identity. These things I would do to myself caused me to be extremely sexually dysfunctional! I had one date that was the most awkward things I've had to go through. She wanted to give me a hand job or something and I froze. Still gives me chills thinking about it! I'm now a virgin at 41yrs and I can see that the secret kept things locked away for my whole life. I'm exploring new sensations now. I'm finding things erotic and arousing that weren't before. And some things have had the volume cut in half if that make sense. I still have a slight sexual arousal from the diapers but it was much stronger when I wasn't wearing them. So ya.. I'm having to figure out this shit much later in my life. I can't say for your situation things will be as rosy. I would start by finding supportive people to talk to first that know what your going through. Like the people here!! Build yourself up! Then decide if you even need to tell your friends and or family. I'm sure someone else can chime in here and give some better advice. Hang in there Kitty!!

 

[caitianx]

I understand where you are coming from.
I am an elderly adult survivor of extreme childhood abuse and neglect at the hands of my psychotic Mom, who never got any treatment whatsoever during her adult life.
In my own way, as a physically and developmentally disabled person with Cerebral Palsy and Autism, internally, "I am a mess".