Resisting the FETISH because of a SECRET

LainIsLain

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Resisting the FETISH because of a SECRET

For those wanting to know more about my transition to a DL overnight and events in my life that lead to a lifetime of sexual dysfunction that I’m still working through. Read on!!

The first part is a summary of the events that I believe guided my behavior for most of my life.

The second part are the events leading to the mental break I experienced on 6/20 after typing my original post on this forum here.
https://www.adisc.org/forum/threads/first-time-events-in-my-childhood-come-full-circle.143399/


And here is an update about me starting therapy and my first diaper review.
https://www.adisc.org/forum/threads/dl-for-life-starting-at-age-41.144006/


Trigger warning: Childhood trauma, Self-harm, Death.

Childhood trauma can shape our life’s even before we’re old enough to understand. I had bad constipation and painful bowel movements when I was a child. I remember several times being so constipated that the poop would actually come out of me while I would talk around the house. My mother would find little balls of poop on the floor around the house. I know it sounds gross but that’s what happened. I remember one specific time she tried to help me with a tap water enema. She administered the enema and I remember sitting on the toilet trying to relieve myself. I have no memory going to the doctors about it. The accidents still happened. She would verbally scold me when she would find the evidence around or she could smell it on me. One time I can remember she was very mad. She hauled me upstairs and put me in an ill-fitting diaper that was too small. She yelled that if I was going to be a baby and not use the toilet I should wear diapers from now on. I remember crying and taking it off later.

Around the same time I remember very young experimenting with inserting things down there. First starting with household objects and gradually making my own stuff. This believer continues to this day. One event in particular is very vivid in my mind. I was about 7-8 maybe and after I got out of the shower I had an out of body experience. I was looking at the mirror and instantly I stepped to my right outside my body. I was able to look at my full body from my right side. This was so intriguing I didn’t want the experience to stop. Like I was hypnotizing myself in the mirror. Of all the memories this one stands out the most. As I got older I would hear of sex abuse vicims explaining out of body experiences. These can happen during abuse events or even during sex with there parterns. When I heard this I was worried for a long time it would manifest again during any kind of sexual encounter.

As I grew up I remember the behavior becoming more elaborate. I would try almost any object that was smooth and phallic shaped. At the time I really only had access to kids toys. I remember when I tried the mallet from a kids toy xylophone because the end had a ball and was smooth. The objects got bigger of course. One embarrassing time I used a full zucchini my mom bought for a salad. I think I was 16 at the time. The painful bowel movements lasted all through High School. I remember blinding abdominal pains that would make me miss classes to search for a restroom. No matter how long I sat there I would get no relief. Later I learned how to give myself an enema.

The one date I ever had was a disaster! I was maybe 18yrs. I remember when she drove me to a lookout one evening. She parked the car and started slowly putting her hands on my leg. I assume all these years later that she wanted to give me a handjog or something but as she touched my leg I froze, but didn’t have an out of body. I was a perfect statue barely breathing! After a few minutes she got the hint and had me lay my head on her lap while she stroked my hair. Maybe she thought it would calm me. This was even weirder! I remember staring forward looking at the underside of the dash of the truck. It was pitch black and I couldn’t really see anything. After about 5 minutes she had me get up and drove home. We didn’t talk! It was the most awkward night I’ve ever had!

Around 1998 my parents divorced. I was a senior in High School. I remember having to watch my mom implode as my sister ran away and stole money from her account. She started drinking again after years of Al-Anon due to my father being an alcoholic early in their marriage. I remember dumping bottles of vodka down the sink one night while she watched.

The only time mom would have known I was doing weird stuff was when she cleaned out my dresser. I was probably 18. I was in my room with a friend building an RC car I spent all my money on. She came in around 1am yelling at me! She was pissed I spent all my money on this RC car. She kept saying it was foolish to spend everything I had and that I was going to be late for work the next day. I told her I was doing a 24hr thing and she just got more angry! As she left she looked at me and said “I could smell something in here so I cleaned out your dresser! I threw your stuff in the trash!” I looked down at my trash can and froze. There was a mess of saran wrapped objects that I was using. I just stared at them for what felt like minutes. My friend continued building my RC car. He had no idea what he was looking at so we just ignored it the rest of the night. My mother never spoke about it after that. In reflection she wasn’t angry at me. She was angry at herself. She didn’t know what to say or how to approach the subject now I was older.

Around that same time I remember being hyper aroused by masturbating while inserting objects. A would think of crazy ways to make new toys that I would experiment with. I was even able to get an inflation bulb which changed everything! This behavior became aggressive during my 20’s. I would masturbate to the point of blood! Similar to cutting just in a place you can’t see. I’m amazed I never did serious damage to myself but I’m sure I came very close. A few times it took a few days for the blood to cease after I wiped. The behavior slowed down after those years but never stopped. I believe this became a kind of coping mechanism to deal with my unemotional father that was leaving our family. Most of my parents' problems were kept secret from us. I still don’t fully know what happened between them. I do know that dad started seeing someone he knew in highschool while he was married to my mom. They divorced after 25yrs of marriage. And now that mom’s dead this will remain mostly unresolved for me.

Mom started dating again and eventually remarried a few years after the divorse. I lived at home until I was 26.

--Full Circle--

Fast forward to Nov. 2019 when mom started showing symptoms of a bowel obstruction. This resulted in a surgery to remove all but 12 inches of small intestine and a hastily placed ostomy high on her left side. She lasted almost 3 months after coming home. I have been living back at the house now for about 7 years. I work nights so my sister and I were able to care for her 24/7 which she very much needed in the last weeks of her life.

During the end she had to start wearing pull-ups because she was losing strength to get up and pee. With her bowels gone she didn't have to deal with the other end thank god! She refused to pee in the pull-ups!! She insisted she get up and pee every 1hr and later every 20min while she was on TPN infuse during the night time! Eventually I called a hospice nurse to come and put in a catheter. She still insisted on getting up to pee even with the catheter in!! It was quite impressive really. She had zero strength but kept trying. Eventually we had to sedate. She died 7 days after that.

A few weeks after her death something else bubbled to the surface. A very strong diaper fetish that was also in my head for as long as I can remember! The fetish was a parallel to the sex acts but I was never able or willing to go through with it. Early on I experimented with making my own diapers from bed sheets. I was maybe 10yrs. Older I would have elaborate masturbation rituals that required major prep and extended periods of alone time in the house but never with a ‘real’ diaper. I would also look for opportunities to do these things while my roommate was out of the house. (kind of embarrassed to admit this stuff). I was also aware of ABDL behaviors and communities but specifically ignored them.

So for the first time I ordered some adult diapers on Amazon. Specifically LittleForBig Little Fantasy. The part of my brain that held the secret was very much aroused by the idea of combining the fetish with the sex act! Because of the noise involving a ‘real’ diaper I had to wait for the weekend while my roommate would be out of town. But in the meantime I wanted to see how they felt. I tried one on Wednesday night after my roommate went to bed. The sensation was so strange. First was a very strong anxiety of making noises that I would have to explain. I was waiting for the sexual arousal to come on but it was only partially arousing. Mostly it was just comfortable in a way I wasn’t expecting! This messed with my head a bit the next day. All day at work I was preoccupied with what happened. So Thursday night I tried it on again and the same thing happened! Now that part of my brain that wanted the sexual release form wearing the diaper was becoming frustrated/angry.

The stage was set. My roommate was gone. The house was all to myself. My mother was now dead. What could go wrong?

Before I left for work that day I could tell something was coming on. So to loosen up I brought with me some THC edibles. They were 10:1 CBD so pretty weak but I have a very low tolerance for it. About an hour before leaving work I took them. (I know that was major stupid!!!!) I drove home with the intention of going all out and letting that part of my brain have its way! But as I got ready I decided at the last minute to just do my thing in the bathroom and not involve the diaper. So I did and after a long shower I dried off and put on the diaper……

The comfort feeling was still there. This was so strange I couldn’t think of anything to do but type out why I thought I was drawn to the fetish and the events that happened when I was younger. After posting on this forum and re-reading I had a breakdown! I just started crying uncontrollably! I started having flashbacks of when I was younger and all the stuff I use to do to myself. All the awkward moments when trying to talk with girls in high school that eventually lead to a kind of agoraphobia. Now both me and that part of my brain were on fire! A huge wave of shame and guilt washed over me! Still crying I continued to post. A few hours later I took some more edibles! By about 4am I sent a message to a close friend with a link to the post. I initially was going to tell him about the diaper thing and see what he thought. I never intended to say anything about the secret stuff. But as the night went on I was in for something I couldn’t handle mentaly. He arranged a meeting with the therapist before he came over around 9am. I remember I was ‘locked’ in my bed. I was laying down with a diaper on but was unable to move. I remember him and his partner coming into my room and I went hysterical! I was crying/screaming while I was clawing at my pillows. He just sat and held my hand for about 30mins while I cried. I eventually calmed down enough and started telling him everything. He just sat and listened.

I learned to fake most interactions with people in social situations. Just a simple smile from a girl/women even today triggered that part of my brain that had a secret. A secret that was part of my personality going back to when I was 6yrs old. When you're young you learn to hide stuff like that very well to avoid disapproval or scalding from parents. Even if the interaction had zero sexual connotation that part of my brain would say “You might fuck one day then you will have to tell her about what you do in the bathroom!” Of course today this kind of sexual behavior is probably more common than most people think. But when it’s been a secret for so long it becomes a part of your personality. At least in hindsight I believe it did in my case.

So here we are. I have scheduled some EMDR therapy that I’m looking forward to. I have some amazing friends that came to me when I needed them most and I don’t know how i’ll ever repay them.


Update 7/15/20

My fourth session is this Thursday the 16th. Last session we focused on the earliest trauma and tried to sympathize with my younger self that night. Try to think of what my younger self needed to hear after my mom left the room and I was left crying. I needed someone to tell me “It’s not your fault. You don’t have to be in pain. You don’t have to keep it a secret.” Therapist tried to get me to say those words to my younger self during EMDR. It was cathartic to say the least.

During work the next day though I had a mini breakdown. As an adult in a therapy setting I can imagine Me telling my younger self those things. I can imagine my younger self crying and hugging me tight with desperate confusion about what just happened. But I was stuck! I can comfort my younger self but HOW do I get myself out of that room! I’m stuck laying in the bed crying softly and no words from my adult self will help….. What I needed was for my dad to come to me and say those words!!! I realized this about 4hrs into a 10hr shift at work. I started to have a physical reaction. I was rushing and throwing things around my station!

I had been stuck mentaly like this before. I remember very clearly the day my dad said he was leaving our family. I was a senior in high school around ‘98. He sat me outside on the deck and said “I don’t mean to break up this shangri la kiddo.” (paraphrasing). My father was an unrecovered alcoholic. My sister is 6yrs younger than I am and he was drunk when she was born. My mother made him stop but he never got treatment for it. My mother tried though. I remember clearly going to Alcoholics Anonymous and playing with toys in the corner while she was in the group. She didn’t go for long though. After my dad left my sister ran away. She got into drugs and had two kids. She is on the right side of life now and I’m thankful for that. I always felt like a failure of a brother for not protecting her. I tried to convince her that leaving wasn’t the right thing to do. I remember talking with her while she was pregnant trying hard to convince her not to leave.

After that my mom imploded. First my sister wrecked her car and stole money before she ran. I had to hold my mother while she cried out loud. She started drinking in the house. I never saw my parents drink once after my sister was born! Now she had liquor in the refrigerator. I made her watch while I dumped them in the sink one night.

For years I was stuck in that point in time. Mentaly I was stuck sitting in front of my father telling me he was leaving our family. I waited almost 15yrs before I talked to him again. During that time is when I was self harming during masturbation. I started having panic attacks during work which I would have to stop and just go out to my car and be alone. So I took some time off and drove cross state to see him. That first meeting didn’t go well. Short story I told him how I felt the best I could. He was an emotional brick wall! He only said “Well.. I didn’t think it would take you so long to talk to me. All that stuff is in the past, I moved on…” I hated him so much before going out there. Now I was leaving with shame and guilt that I held onto the hatred so long.

EDIT-- I never spoke about my secret or asked him about when I was younger. That stuff didn't come out until now and right now I don't think i'll ever tell him!!

The panic attacks did stop but I was still stuck in the time. Over the years I allowed the hatred for my father to fade. I was able to talk and text over the phone about normal stuff. I even drove to see him a few times. To be honest I was still faking a smile though. It felt right to just talk with him and not make it an argument about the past.

Full Circle again….

Now I'm in a place mentaly that is hard to explain! The break I had in June after my mom died has left me… untethered to the ground. That’s the best way I can describe things. I’m having an identity crisis as I type this. There is a part of my brain that is still in control. I’m still a functioning person who gets up and goes to work each day(other than the mini breakdowns). My identity was wrapped tight with guilt and shame for having my mother mad at me. I had to change that night and figure things out for myself so I did. I’m having to deal with a new social as well as sexural identity that is emerging. My emotions are all over the place right now.

…..How do I get out of that room! I want my dad to come up and say “It’s not your fault. You don’t have to be in pain. You don’t have to keep it a secret. Come back downstairs and play games on the computer with me…” This is more complicated because he is still alive. He probably wouldn’t even remember that night nor would he give me anything that will comfort that younger self in my head…. In his words “It’s all in the past, I moved one.”

So once again I’m stuck. My father’s not going to come and say those words to me. I will need to work this out with the therapist but I might have to just settle with that. I’ve been researching things like Inner Child Work and Reparenting. These are things I will seek out in an attempt to help myself out of that room.

20200708_015000 (1).jpg

Will I help my younger self or will my younger self help me? Not sure but I’ll try and leave updates as I move forward. I hope these words give other hope and inspiration in their own endeavors.

EDIT- When I was 4yrs my mother had this sketch made before the events above happened. I knew of it but I took it after she passed.
 
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LainIsLain

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I should have read through better for little spelling mistakes. I was D student in English class. Oh well.. lol
 

LainIsLain

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7-25-20

So I spent the time in between sessions thinking about how to get out of that stupid room. I tried to clear my mind at work a few days ago and just picture my younger self outside the room. What would he look like? What would he be doing? I imagined myself walking in the city for some reason. So where is he? Well he's riding my back! He is not happy but he's clinging to me in desperate confusion with his eyes closed.... I decided to commission some artwork with the following description to the artist.

What I want is a side shot of me walking. Probably with my earbuds in and looking down at my phone. The earbuds need to be over the ear type. My expression should be lethargic and blank(unemotional). Color of clothes needs to be dark(blues and blacks) maybe long sleeves and pants for cooler weather. I need a younger self character riding piggyback. Face needs to be visibly distressed(crying with eyes shut) clinging with desperate confusion. The younger version needs to be wearing a backpack(color red) with a visible diaper symbol on it. Something like a cartoonish version of a baby diaper or even a visible diaper peeking out of the half unzipped top.
I sent the artist the sketch and newer pic of me. I'm leaving the rest up to the artist. This represents where the younger version of me is right now.

During the last session I basically talked for 90mins. Here's what happened.

I'll start by saying what happened in my that therapy session. Doc said we need to start working on my dad. Well I talked at him for 90min about the crap rolling around in my head. We didn't get to my dad. But near the end I started to see a way that maybe... just maybe... there could be a time and a place I would sit down and talk with my dad after all these years. He is a Vietnam vet and I think he is a little homophobic. Coming out as DL I would say is not unlike coming out gay. It will take time and I need to build myself up big time before that talk happens. He very well could look back at me with hate filled eyes after that talk. He very well could never speak to me again. But..... The anger I have towards him is also strong! If he through his hands up and hugged me tight I would be furious right now..... Fucking pissed that this shit ruined my life and I hating dad for decades just to find in the end he really did care about me. I can't talk with my dad right now because of that hatred. But.... I know where I want this train to take me. I want to get off at the stop where my dad and I can have an adult conversation about this stuff. A conversation with no expectations. Then I can leave the table with my own burdens and move on with my life. Even if he can't be apart of it.
This sums up where i'm at now. With one more thing that happened in between. I post in the Off-Topic '3 songs for 3 minds >.<'


As I finished adding the last song I paused.... That last song Omerta by Lamp Of God brought back an emotion to the surface. As I listened to the song a feeling of anger washed over me! For the last few weeks I've been dealing with so many emotions, but for a second it felt good to be angry again!! Righteous anger at the world and the people in it. Anger towards my father and now dead mother. If felt good!! I've been angry for so long and the anger was so familiar it just felt good.... The feeling didn't last to long. I told this to my therapist and he just nodded his head. "That is not surprising at all. You've been angry for most of your life. It was a normal emotional state for you."(paraphrasing)

I'm so exhausted to keep being angry. This whole thing has robbed me of being happy for most of my life. These last few weeks allowed me to see this. My emotional state is still spinning, but at least it's not pointed towards anger!!

Due to my openness my therapist actually said a reconciliation with my dad could be possible! He said we can work on a strategy on how to move forward. We can decide on how much or little to tell him after another EMDR session as to desensitize me in the event this happens . Like I said before. " A conversation with no expectations. Then I can leave the table with my own burdens and move on with my life. Even if he can't be apart of it." I need to be prepared for this outcome and except it. I'm not ready for this now. Time will tell.
 

LainIsLain

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Update 7/31/20

It's 4:46am and I woke to type this. I'm currently at a friends house. I've been coming here after therapy and staying the night. They are letting me wear my diapers in their house and that's helping a little but I don't sleep very well away from home.

I woke up crying a little. Yesterday was a tough day at therapy! We did three EMDR sessions in about 2hrs time. Therapist had me visualize when my dad said he was leaving our family. My mom called me up from downstairs and said he had something to tell me. I went outside to the deck where he was already seated so I sat down in front of him. He looked at me and "I don't mean to brake up a happy home". I was annoyed because we weren't a happy family at that point. They were obviously having trouble in their married. They would have verbal arguments behind closed doors. I remember sitting there with my head in my hands staring at the table. I can't remember what he said after that. After he was done he got up from the table and left me sitting there...... I was frozen to the seat in shock.

I immediately started to think it was something I had done! And in the coming years I convinced myself that I wasn't a good enough son for him to stay. What he couldn't have known is that the previous trauma with my mother all those years ago cause me to internalize a feeling of worthlessness. That I made my mom made about having accidents and at 6yrs I had to figure it out on my own, but always worried that I had done something wrong. Now he was leaving and all I could think of is that I did something wrong again. Maybe not one big thing but many small things that added up to not being good enough for him. He was unemotional for most of my life and now I'm sitting at that table unable to express any emotions. To this day I still don't know why he left.

Therapist tried to get me to come up with a different prospective of myself. "What would you prefer to think about yourself in that situation?" As an adult I know the rights words to say. As an adult I need to understand that my dad's problems are not and were not my problems! My mom's problems are not and were not my problems! But even at 18yrs old sitting there I could't help thinking it was all my fault. And I spent years convincing myself that was true.

A part of my brain is fighting back! I'm one step away from having my mind changed about how I see my father and my brain won't let it go!! If I change my mind than all my hate and anger will be worth nothing.............................................

I can say that his problems aren't my problems but I don't believe it right now. I imagined he was sitting in the room listening to the conversation with the therapist. I could see him standing there listening to what I said and he gives me nothing! No emotion, no support, no understanding!!! He is a brick wall with a face.

He gives me nothing and my hatred and anger for him is now becoming worthless!! Added together it's worth less than nothing!! lol

I can't seem to jump over this one. I need someone externally to tell me that I don't have to hate him anymore. I can tell myself these words but I get no relief from them.

When my friend wakes up I think I will ask her to sit in front of me and say these words. "You don't have to hate him anymore".


5:39am
I thought part of the EMDR would desensitize me so I can talk with my dad without braking down every other sentence. I wanted that! But I see now that my old self wants me to be unemotional when I talk with him. Just as unemotional as he is. Maybe I learned that from him! Maybe being emotional is what I really want him to see. I want so badly for him to understand. But if we do talk I know he will give me nothing.

It's easy to say that his problems aren't my problems but if he gives me nothing I don't know if I will ever talk to him again.

6:06am
Listening to this song on repeat.
 
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LainIsLain

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Update 8/1/20 3:10am

Yesterday was difficult! I waited for my friend to wake and asked her to help. I was stuck mentally again and had a good cry. Went for coffee and McDonalds breakfast. I was so hungry! Has very sleep deprived so I took something to sleep around 10am yesterday morning and slept for about 6hrs. I'm home now and tried a MegaMax while I napped for a few hours. My roommate finally opened up a bit and made a joke about my diapers! OMG that released a bunch of anxiety! He's been kind of reluctant to talk about them because he thought it might trigger me in a bad way. Was so good to have some humor about it! Followup therapy is next Thursday. Have a lot to process in the meantime.
 

diapernh

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Have you ever thought about taking a vacation from life. Seriously just loading up your car, driving with no destination in mind and doing what you want to do, no responsibility except basic needs (sleep, food and safety). no timeframe to get back to home in, nobody to answer to, go to the coast and relax for a few days. Turn off the cell phone, disconnect from the world.

If your mom's house brings back such bad memories, sell it and move into another place nothing like the old one. Get out of that room! Decorate your new place in a style that makes you happy, paint the walls colors that make you feel good, furniture that you like.
 

LainIsLain

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Unfortunately my mom's illness over shadowed my vacation this year. Your not far off of your description though. Once a year I do take a few week off. I do pack my truck and start driving. I wanted to so badly this year! I'm getting burned out at work and just driving in any direction sounded so good. I got word that my mom had 3-6 months to live while I was at work. I dropped everything and drove to the hospital to meet her husband and my sister. I used all my PTO taking care of her. I'm still missing work for these therapy sessions so I might have to start taking short term disability if the moneys get short.

I usually drive east or south across Oregon when I do go on vacation. I had been to see my dad in Idaho a few time during that, but I had to learn to fake our conversation just so he would allow me to come back each time. The first time I saw him after my panic attacks started he said "if your just going to come here and be angry with me I don't want you coming here at all." My big goal in therapy right now is to come up with a plan that involves telling him how I really feel and dealing with the consequences. I've changed so much in a month it's hard to put into words. I'm still finding it hard to let go of this shit and right now I don't want to talk to him.

One change that's happened is i'm allowing myself to make decisions on things that were previously ambiguous. I have decided to not live in this room anymore. This will come with some challenges of course. My mom's assets are complicated a bit. Something about her husbands commingled assets and him disinheriting his heirs from another marriage. In the end my sister and I will get the house but not right now.

My feelings are complicated. I hate living in this room but I love the house and where it is. One reason my roommate and I moved in was because they couldn't afford to live here on their own. I've been here now for 7yrs and we have our woodshop setup in the garage space. The drive to work isn't bad and it's really peaceful here. I just don't want to live in this room anymore! So I will probably try to build a tiny home on the property. If her husband says no then my only choice may be to move out. I hope that's not what happens but I've made the decision.

After processing some of the trauma I'm sad that I never talked with my mom about it. It happened when I was so young I just didn't understand what was happening. One thing I might do soon is put on a fresh diaper and go sit at her grave site in a folding chair. Not sure if I'll be able to talk to her out loud though.

I still haven't come down to earth from yesterday! I'm feeling a little better as I type this though. At the thought of me talking with my father I still feel a weird physical sensation because the anxiety is still pretty strong.
 

LainIsLain

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The art work I commissioned is done. Hardest part is trying to convey what's in your head for another person to turn into art. But given the description I gave it's pretty accurate.
So I spent the time in between sessions thinking about how to get out of that stupid room. I tried to clear my mind at work a few days ago and just picture my younger self outside the room. What would he look like? What would he be doing? I imagined myself walking in the city for some reason. So where is he? Well he's riding my back! He is not happy but he's clinging to me in desperate confusion with his eyes closed.... I decided to commission some artwork with the following description to the artist.
Me.jpeg

EDIT: BTW I gave them a real picture of me and the sketch of me at age 4.
 
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LainIsLain

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Update 8/4/20 2:38am

It's amazing how useful a good shower can do for the mind....

I've been struggling with this last therapy session and I think I have an idea why. It's easy to say the right words in therapy but it's a different thing to actually believe them. "My fathers problems aren't my problems." My 18yr old self doesn't believe it! My 18yr old self doesn't believe it because he's really a 5yr old in an 18yr old body and my father could never have known that. Him leaving was still a traumatic event but he would have never known he was talking to a 5yr old. But instead of crying like a 5yr old would have I froze. The split that happened when I was 5yrs old was re-traumatized when he said he was leaving. In the few years after that I started the self harm to coup with the loss. My 5yr old self was locked away for almost 20yrs.

Today at work I started reading "The Adult Baby Identity - Coming out as an Adult Baby" by Dylan Lewis. OMG the first few chapters cover insecure attachment styles. I'm leaning towards ambivalent attachment due to an unattentive mother and unemotional father in my early years. This book is hitting all the right notes about my childhood and how I deal with relationships as an adult. I wanted to drop what I was doing and call my aunt and ask her from the outside how she saw me as a child and what she thought about my mother in those early years!!

Calling ABDL a fetish! This always seemed weird and wrong. It's almost like calling homosexual a fetish. It's a mischaracterization of what's going on in my head. It's much more of an identity than a fetish. This will definitely help when I talk about this with others.

This book is answering so many questions it's kinda overwhelming. What it's giving me is the "what" and the "why" pieces I need in order to speak with my father. I need to explain that when he left he was truly talking to a 5yr scared little boy that thought he wasn't good enough of a son to keep him in our family. It's easy to say but this is what I needed to understand. If I frame the events in that way both my mother and father seem to be much smaller characters in my past. I know that's kinda weird but their presence and size in my head are somehow smaller.

Binge and purge! I'm aware that binge and purge is a thing for ADBL's. I've just started reading that part in the book. I kinda already knew this but I'm aware that I'm currently in a binge cycle! I've spent hundreds in a very short time. I've been wearing one sometimes two a day and this is what I have right now... And I still have more MegaMax coming!!

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In the very early days I also felt a strong urge to purge everything. The book relates the binge purge with eating disorders. I'm not sure I will fall into this cycle or be immune from it. But now that i'm more aware of it I think I might be able to better rationalize with myself going forward.

This put me at ease today. That last therapy session really hit me hard. It's easy to say the words but I need to understand why they need to be said. I have so much self discovery going forward. I need to discover what this new identity means to me. This younger version is most definitely a separate identity than my older self.

If I'm to figure this out. My older self may have to take a back seat while my younger self is allowed a talk and express what he needs. And if my older self will relent then maybe the versions of my parents in my head need to also relent. They are now smaller.
 

diapernh

Est. Contributor
Messages
935
Role
Adult Baby
For some it is a sexual fetish, a way to get off sexually. Others like me, it is a comforting thing, it is who i really am; a diaper wearing child
 

LainIsLain

DL SuperNoob
Est. Contributor
Messages
102
Role
Diaper Lover
Yes I understand. For me now it seems less of a fetish and more of an identity. I know everyone is different and everyone will choose their own way of looking at it.

The cake isn't done baking in my case.

Edit: spelling!
 
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