NinaAlex
Est. Contributor
- Messages
- 292
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- Diaper Lover
- Little
- Incontinent
[CW: Discussion of corona, anxiety, dissociation and depression]
This whole Corona situation is really getting to me.
I've done quite well in the past, the first lockdown I was scared, but it gave me confidence that something is being done. Then came the summer, and we where doing well here.
The second winter showed that our politicians care less about reducing infections rates and deaths, and more about keeping the part of the economy that has a large lobby going.
Still, while measures where late, and not quite enough, they barely managed to avoid disaster. But now, with numbers rising, as intensive care doctors warn that they will be at capacity soon, as scientists warn that numbers are getting out of control, and as vaccinations are proceeding at a crawl, whole regions and cities are opening completely, all you need is a more or less recent negative test result, while politicians use the post Easter numbers, that are low since there was no testing at all during Easter, to give the illusion that everything is all right, while ignoring that adjusted numbers trying to compensate in this lack of testing are telling a different story.
Where before Corona has caused a mild fear, that only really surged when people refusing to wear masks insisted to come close, now the fear of being infected has grown into a crippling anxiety that causes extensive dissociation. I am at risk, in late 2019 I would have died from the aftermath of the influenza if I had not been hospitalized.
In recent weeks everything has gotten worse. I've started having flashbacks again, old traumatic memories bubbling to the surface. I've had to bear extra responsibilities at work, do things that I can't really do, that I don't know how to do, and get shouted at by our customer with demands that I have no clue how to satisfy. I've dissociated at work, writing one sentence, and seemingly moments later surprised by my screen locking, unlocking it, writing another sentence, and the screen locks again. This happened a few times, and suddenly it wasn't late morning, but mid afternoon, and I realized that with every locking of the screen, I must have just gone away, stared at the screen without perceiving it, just gone, until 15 totally inactive minutes later the lock-screens different picture gave me a kick start again.
I struggle with knowing who is currently fronting, being a plural system, having different identities at the controls of my body is kind of normal, in the time since I realized this, I've usually been able to identify who is currently at the controls, been able to communicate well with each other. Recently this has gotten difficult, it's my suspicion that at times control is sometimes passed back and forth, nobody wanting it, or different alters trying to give away control, but only managing to pass it on partially. Communication has gotten more difficult, and some alters sometimes just pull away completely, only to push to the front suddenly, taking partial control, and doing their best to try and get away from it all in their own way.
Our little, who is usually quite shy, and doesn't usually push to the front, has partially pushed partially to the front several times, and needed attention, and calming. She has regressed a lot recently, usually she has the reasoning of a 12y old, and in the past she occasionally regressed to be three years old, now she seems deep in regression, not wanting to have anything to do with the world out there. Nowadays she isn't the happy bubbly child that plays little pranks and loves our new life, but a little traumatized girl who we struggle to care for.
At the same time something seems to be wrong with our hormones, we've been trying to compensate, with moderate success. Depression is back, for the first time since we transitioned. I would call it mild, because it's not as bad as the flirting with the black hole I remember from our past. It's more a hopelessness, because we can't currently see a way to resolve this situation without disaster in some way or another.
This whole Corona situation is really getting to me.
I've done quite well in the past, the first lockdown I was scared, but it gave me confidence that something is being done. Then came the summer, and we where doing well here.
The second winter showed that our politicians care less about reducing infections rates and deaths, and more about keeping the part of the economy that has a large lobby going.
Still, while measures where late, and not quite enough, they barely managed to avoid disaster. But now, with numbers rising, as intensive care doctors warn that they will be at capacity soon, as scientists warn that numbers are getting out of control, and as vaccinations are proceeding at a crawl, whole regions and cities are opening completely, all you need is a more or less recent negative test result, while politicians use the post Easter numbers, that are low since there was no testing at all during Easter, to give the illusion that everything is all right, while ignoring that adjusted numbers trying to compensate in this lack of testing are telling a different story.
Where before Corona has caused a mild fear, that only really surged when people refusing to wear masks insisted to come close, now the fear of being infected has grown into a crippling anxiety that causes extensive dissociation. I am at risk, in late 2019 I would have died from the aftermath of the influenza if I had not been hospitalized.
In recent weeks everything has gotten worse. I've started having flashbacks again, old traumatic memories bubbling to the surface. I've had to bear extra responsibilities at work, do things that I can't really do, that I don't know how to do, and get shouted at by our customer with demands that I have no clue how to satisfy. I've dissociated at work, writing one sentence, and seemingly moments later surprised by my screen locking, unlocking it, writing another sentence, and the screen locks again. This happened a few times, and suddenly it wasn't late morning, but mid afternoon, and I realized that with every locking of the screen, I must have just gone away, stared at the screen without perceiving it, just gone, until 15 totally inactive minutes later the lock-screens different picture gave me a kick start again.
I struggle with knowing who is currently fronting, being a plural system, having different identities at the controls of my body is kind of normal, in the time since I realized this, I've usually been able to identify who is currently at the controls, been able to communicate well with each other. Recently this has gotten difficult, it's my suspicion that at times control is sometimes passed back and forth, nobody wanting it, or different alters trying to give away control, but only managing to pass it on partially. Communication has gotten more difficult, and some alters sometimes just pull away completely, only to push to the front suddenly, taking partial control, and doing their best to try and get away from it all in their own way.
Our little, who is usually quite shy, and doesn't usually push to the front, has partially pushed partially to the front several times, and needed attention, and calming. She has regressed a lot recently, usually she has the reasoning of a 12y old, and in the past she occasionally regressed to be three years old, now she seems deep in regression, not wanting to have anything to do with the world out there. Nowadays she isn't the happy bubbly child that plays little pranks and loves our new life, but a little traumatized girl who we struggle to care for.
At the same time something seems to be wrong with our hormones, we've been trying to compensate, with moderate success. Depression is back, for the first time since we transitioned. I would call it mild, because it's not as bad as the flirting with the black hole I remember from our past. It's more a hopelessness, because we can't currently see a way to resolve this situation without disaster in some way or another.
