Advice on how to speak to my incontinent gf

[veraaali]

(I am not incontinent, but my girlfriend is, and I’m really looking for some advice on how to touch a presumably sensitive subject with her as respectfully and carefully as possible)

My gf and I have been dating a little over six months now, and I knew from the start that she was incontinent, as she was very very open about it. I of course did not mind it, and love her regardless. I have always accepted and respected her attitude and her feelings about her condition, However, some things have come up in our relationship that have made me feel the need to talk to her about how her incontinence makes me feel (I know this sounds bad but please just read on)

From the start, my gf was ver open about her issues. She told me about her doctors appointments, I have shopped for her diapers multiple times, I have helped her clean up accidents, etc. she doesn’t really mind being ic, I guess she is just used to it by now, and usually just laughs it off. The first months of our relationship, I usually just helped her shop for diapers, a change here and there( mostly if she was sick) and clean up furniture after a sporadic accident. we talked about what I felt comfortable with and at that time I told her I was there for anything she needed.

A few months ago, she started getting careless. She uses her diaper multiple times, and thus leaks anll the time into her clothes and furniture which I end up having to clean up. She discusses every pee or bowel movement she has with me at all times, she walks around our apartment in just her diaper (even messy/very wet) which I didn’t mind before but together with the rest of things I guess it is worth mentioning. She also often leaves her wet diapers on the floor for hours before throwing them away, which leaves a smell and it is often me who has to pick them up. She has begun to ask me to check her diaper which i didn’t do before and I realize I don’t feel comfortable with. In short, she has become quite messy and unclean and i really don’t know how to feel about it. I come here for help because I really don’t want her to feel bad when i talk to Her about it, I really just want her to be a little more careful and private because there are many things I don’t feel comfortable with. However I also feel very guilty because it’s her condition and she can deal with it however she sees best and when she asked me months ago, I already told her I was confortable. I don’t want to offend her or disrespect her because I truly don’t mind her ic, I just wish she involved me a little less in it. Please if I’m in the wrong don’t hesitate to tell me, I just want to know what the most respectful way to touch this subject is!!

 

[Ashton84]

It seems that she is looking for someone to take control and give her attention. Maybe her parents took care of her diapering needs growing up and she relied on them for changing and disposing of dirty diapers? She may never had to give thought of it because they took care of it all for her. I would ask her questions about her diapering history when she was growing up and what the process was. I would also ask her what role she needs from you and see if your are willing to obly. My mother being a RN, pretty much took care of my diapering up into my teen years and even during college if she thought I was tired. If not her, my grandmother when she was working. When I moved out after college, it was all on me and I had to develop a plan.

 

[foxkits]

I do want to read into this but could she have some daddy little girl in her.
Liking you as her care giver.
Know she has grown up this way with Ic . my girl friend is Ic and sometimes she doesn't realize when she's a little smelly because it's normal for her.
You just need to be honest with her.
In any relationship honestly is the key. Just be kind when talking.
I have come to the realization that there are things that she doesn't do so I pick up the slack.
There are things I don't do so that's her job compromise is the key. All the best.

 

[Deleted member 40705]

Your girlfriend is incontinent and wears diapers- whether she fills one overnight, 3 per week or 6 per day she has accepted you as her CG and probably needs you to carry some of her burden.

Of course, there needs to be a conversation about boundaries but I think you need to embrace this situation, tell her its okay to wee and poop in her diaper if she needs to and you will take care of her however she needs it.

I was once very much like your gf when I became comfortable with my wife - when I started trusting her and knowing I was going to spend the rest of my life with her, I became far more open and willing to show my incontinence and be a little more open about things. 9 years on, we’re fully integrated to support my 24/7 lifestyle.

 

[newt]

I don't think you're in the wrong at all.

I understand being open about incontinence. I can understand even forgetting to throw away a used (only pee) diaper every so often. I've done it before if I get distracted with my ADHD. I can understand a few leaks here or there. They happen. But something isn't adding up with her.

I'm not going to speculate on whether she is actually incontinent. She may be. You're right she can handle her IC any way she wants, but this is not respectful to you in any way. I don't think someone who is incontinent would act like this unless they also have some ABDL tendencies.

There is a difference between being very comfortable and accepting of your incontinence and this. I don't think its much of a stretch to say that most people on this board who are IC and not ABDL would not do this. Walking around in a wet and messy diaper is both risking a rash for her and disrespectful to you by not cleaning up when its easy to do so (it would be different if she was somewhere she couldn't change). Accidents happen, but parading around in only a messy diaper is an intentional choice. Most ICs don't want or need someone to check their diaper unless there's a good reason for it.

I have nothing against ABDL. Its perfectly fine as a kink in a consensual relationship. Have fun with it. Enjoy it. But if this her expressing her ABDL side, it is extremely manipulative and unfair. If she is ABDL and this is how she is tricking you into play, I'd have some serious concerns about boundaries and honest communication, because this is not consensual.

If I were you I would have a serious conversation with her about this. I understand you want to be respectful of her feelings, and you should. Incontinence is difficult to handle emotionally and physically. But understand acting like that is disrespecting your feelings by not making any effort to respect your boundaries. Just because she might need diapers and have accidents, doesn't mean she gets to avoid the responsibilities of it and push them onto you after you've stated you're uncomfortable with it.

You have the right to state your boundaries and limits of what you're comfortable with. Even if I'm misreading the ABDL side, doesn't mean you are wrong for being uncomfortable with her walking around in a messy diaper and not wanting to check her after you told her you were uncomfortable. Nor are you wrong for being uncomfortable with her hygiene if she is intentionally not cleaning up after herself. This isn't about you being uncomfortable with her incontinence, this is about you not being comfortable with her not respecting your boundaries.

 

[Edgewater]

First, Welcome and be welcome to this unique World of ADISC!

The IC (Incontinent) group here is one of the best on the Web and there is extensive experience regarding IC.

It sounds like she is wearing store purchased diapers and they can range from very bad to kind of okay. That said, a serious upgrade in the quality of the disposable diaper is recommended. Not sure where her income is as premium diapers will be more expensive when compared that store purchased diapers. Others will provide additional recommendations regarding other diaper products, but I use Northshore MEGAMAX disposable diapers and their Trifecta Plastic Pants. When worn correctly they vastly reduce leaks and odors. Diaper wearing and changing patterns are based on when and how often one is wetting and/or has a BM. With most people, BM's have some regularity to them and during those times a lower quality diaper would be used as one wants to change a messed diaper ASAP.

There are any number of things going on there and that long discussion is very important.

Clearly, you can start with a discussion regarding diapers. If she has insurance and they may provide a scribe for diapers that becomes important to know. What is paid for depends on the probable cause of her Incontinence. It is also possible that her parents are provided some lever of income. Call the Customer Service Group of Northshore diapers - go to their Website and contact them, they may send you samples. Point being great diapers will help many of the problems you are seeing.

Care Givers are truly wonderful people and it is wonderful that you are willing to help.

Regarding her level of responsibility of her Incontinences that needs to be stepped though step-by-step to assure you are both comfortable with what her needs and wants are and what you are willing to support. Consider writing down specific discussion points you want to address and use that as a guide.

Yes, ABDL maybe part of what is happening, BUT, so are a number of mental issues that can result in swings in mood including care and effect awareness! A quick list of just some: ADHD, Autism, Bipolar, etc...

Again, Thank You for caring!!

 

[slimjiminy]

You have the right to state your boundaries and limits of what you're comfortable with. Even if I'm misreading the ABDL side, doesn't mean you are wrong for being uncomfortable with her walking around in a messy diaper and not wanting to check her after you told her you were uncomfortable. Nor are you wrong for being uncomfortable with her hygiene if she is intentionally not cleaning up after herself. This isn't about you being uncomfortable with her incontinence, this is about you not being comfortable with her not respecting your boundaries.

I have to agree with this.

In the beginning being awkward about my new IC condition, I shared too much info with my wife. She finally said "I trust you will wear/do what is necessary to manage your incontinence" and I am good with that. Likewise, the OP doesn't need to have all the gory details about GFs IC any more than a husband needs to know about his wife's menstril pads. It's simply too much information.

Even though my wife has said it is ok to put my used diaper in the kitchen trash, I have always wrapped it up and discarded it outside/in garbage chute -- in other words, out of the unit/home. Nobody wants to smell that. IC people need to realize that non-IC people do not love the idea of used/dirty diapers hanging around the domicile.

It's a slippery slope when the OP does or increasingly does all the cleanup. Yes boundaries and responsibilities need to be agreed upon. Else you're both headed for trouble down the road. If she's lazy now, what will happen when you have babies?

 

[Eclectic]

A lot of good responses already. You should be up front with how you feel. But, in a kind, gentle yet assertive way. You can do this when you talk to her by stating, “I feel …,,” and then bring up the issue. It might help to write them down first like, #1 Need to reduce leaks. And then a suggestion..,May need more protection and/or more attention to diaper status to avoid leaks”

A lot could be going on here. Without speculating too much, it appears she is becoming much more comfortable with you and, as mentioned in another post, may be accustomed to having a caregiver help her. Know that married couples, especially those that stay married, are very accustomed to knowing all the personal and sometimes messy details of their partner. However, it can take a long time to get there and everyone has their boundaries.

The length of time she’s been IC and her age may have a lot to do with it too. A lot of college age people are very messy until they get confronted by their roommates and don’t have their parents picking up after them anymore.

 

[unnamed]

I highly recommend looking at the DBT recommendations for communicating about hard things, specifically DEARMAN https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/dbt-dear-man and I statements https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/i-statements.

Should make it easier to talk with her while ensuring you're respectful to both her and yourself.

 

[Diapercutie]

Seems like shewants a daddy figure

 

[newt]

After reading some of the responses after mine, I’d agree with them about how to approach the situation and discuss it with your girlfriend.

While I won’t deny that something about the situation sets off alarm bells in my mind, I probably could and should have allowed more room for other causes and fixes since I don’t have the complete story.

So I do think trying some of the suggestions like better diapers (if financially feasible) and a productive, honest conversation in a non-accusatory manner (using language from one of the posts above) is a better way to start. And even though I did mention a lot of potential ABDL aspects, I don’t think it would be helpful to mention it unless the conversation flows there naturally.

That being said, I don’t want to change or delete my first comment because if the upgraded diapers don’t change things and your boundaries continue to not be respected and there aren’t any other health related causes of the behavior, I think you’d have to seriously consider that she is exploiting the situation.

Because even though upgraded diapers will help prevent leaks, the way you phrased it in your comment, it makes it seem like the leaks came after you’ve been together for a while, which makes me believe she can tell when she may leak but just ignores it so better diapers won’t stop the leaks, just make them happen farther apart.

But maybe not! Only you have the full story. It could be something very innocent, which is why I think you should follow the advice after my first comment, but still be aware of the possibility it being something less innocent.

 

[SpAzpieSweeTot]

I'm just going to say it. It sounds like she's an AB, who has faked you out. If she has full sensation, there's no way she can't tell how wet she is. She shouldn't be leaking on the furniture, unless the state pays for her diapers. There's no excuse for not throwing them away for hours.

What kind of diapers is she buying? Store brands are crap.

Some people fake incontinence, because people who don't accept it, are the asshole. See?

Now, hear me. It's also possible, that she is incontinent, and ABDL.

Some people are both myself included. If she is both, you have every right to be mad at her, for lying by omission. If she is both, I can also understand why she'd be terrified to tell you.

If she faked incontinence, and is just ABDL, I don't even have words. I understand her being scared, and needing an out, but damn!

 

[greatlake5]

I'm IC, not my girlfriend. In the beginning of our relationship, we were only friends first (for almost 5 years). We started to become closer and she finally started to question me. I admitted that indeed I was IC. It didn't bother her at all. But...I always kept my changings private. Then she wanted to help me for changes. At first I didn't want help. Then I let here when we went to bed. I never let her change me in the morning because I typically have a BM accident while sleeping. I use chlorophyll and she said she doesn't smell anything (she's just being kind).

To be honest we're both pretty neat and clean. I'd never leave a wet (or dirty) diaper around the bathroom. I use a Janibell diaper pail. How about this - use it. And I'd suggest to talk to her about any issues that you might be uncomfortable. I think it's all about being respected (both of you). I can't quite understand how anyone who is IC doesn't takes better self-care (unless someone is enabled).

You sound like a loving guy. Bless you. Apparently she has issues beyond being IC. Whatever you are doing, keep it up.

 

[dllovergirl83]

I would be talking to her and laying it out on the table. Its ok, she is who she is but being sloppy is inconsiderate to your living space. Unless you discussed checks, no pant rule, if she is lill there is some discussion to be had about your limitations and hers before going into it. It is not fair To you. There is no excuse for bad hygiene and throwing them away is part of it.

you need to have a heart to heart and be honest. You have a right to a voice, in your approach be soft as her defences will be up From there if things don’t get better then you need to make a choice, it won’t get better unless she knows. And maybe helping her manage her changes no checks but reminders to change might help.

 

[newt]

And I'd suggest to talk to her about any issues that you might be uncomfortable. I think it's all about being respected (both of you). I can't quite understand how anyone who is IC doesn't takes better self-care (unless someone is enabled).

You sound like a loving guy. Bless you. Apparently she has issues beyond being IC. Whatever you are doing, keep it up.

Completely agree. Unless she has physical or mental limitations, there is no excuse for this lack of self care. But I’m even more in agreement on this guy being a great guy. I’m hoping he isn’t being played, because as everyone on this board knows, having a partner supportive of IC is more valuable than just about anything else in this world.

 

[newt]

I'm just going to say it. It sounds like she's an AB, who has faked you out. If she has full sensation, there's no way she can't tell how wet she is. She shouldn't be leaking on the furniture, unless the state pays for her diapers. There's no excuse for not throwing them away for hours.

What kind of diapers is she buying? Store brands are crap.

Some people fake incontinence, because people who don't accept it are the asshole. See?

Now, hear me. It's also possible, that she is incontinent, and ABDL.

Some people are both myself included. If she is both, you have every right to be mad at her, for lying by omission. If she is both, I can also understand why she'd be terrified to tell you.

If she faked incontinence, and is just ABDL, I don't even have words. I understand her being scared, and needing an out, but damn!

Hard for me to disagree with this. This was my first thought. And even though I’m hoping I’m wrong and think he should try to approach it without accusing her of this, I can’t shake the feeling this is what’s happening.

The unfortunate thing is, if she is BOTH IC and ABDL, there’s nothing wrong with asking her BF if he would play along. He sounds like a great guy, so he’d probably at least be open to it.

I get being nervous about opening up about being both IC and ABDL. But tricking him into playing is very problematic. You can’t trick someone into playing with your fetish. You just can’t.

But faking IC to get ABDL play is just horrible. It’s one thing to fake a medical condition. It’s another to fake it to get someone to play along with a fetish.

 

[SpAzpieSweeTot]

Hard for me to disagree with this. This was my first thought. And even though I’m hoping I’m wrong and think he should try to approach it without accusing her of this, I can’t shake the feeling this is what’s happening.

The unfortunate thing is, if she is BOTH IC and ABDL, there’s nothing wrong with asking her BF if he would play along. He sounds like a great guy, so he’d probably at least be open to it.

I get being nervous about opening up about being both IC and ABDL. But tricking him into playing is very problematic. You can’t trick someone into playing with your fetish. You just can’t.

But faking IC to get ABDL play is just horrible. It’s one thing to fake a medical condition. It’s another to fake it to get someone to play along with a fetish.

I hope I'm wrong, too. She might just need better diapers. Sun-kissed, is it?, are good, provided plastic backed don't cause a problem. Gosh, so many more. If that's the issue, O.P., let us know.

 

[Stevepw]

Sounds like you're living with me. I think it maybe just the normality of it tbh.
I often just wonder around in a soaked and occasionally messy nappy.
I often leave wet ones lying around the place.
I suppose I'm complacent with it having been ic all my life.
However the wife picks up and tells me to change too...

 

[SpAzpieSweeTot]

Sounds like you're living with me. I think it maybe just the normality of it tbh.
I often just wonder around in a soaked and occasionally messy nappy.
I often leave wet ones lying around the place.
I suppose I'm complacent with it having been ic all my life.
However the wife picks up and tells me to change too...

At least your wife knows. If the O.P.'s girlfriend ABDL, she at least needs to tell him! I know it's not easy. Tough poo! She needs to be honest, especially since he's being so nice about her incontinence, which I hope she's telling him the truth about.

 

[veraaali]

I don't think you're in the wrong at all.

I understand being open about incontinence. I can understand even forgetting to throw away a used (only pee) diaper every so often. I've done it before if I get distracted with my ADHD. I can understand a few leaks here or there. They happen. But something isn't adding up with her.

I'm not going to speculate on whether she is actually incontinent. She may be. You're right she can handle her IC any way she wants, but this is not respectful to you in any way. I don't think someone who is incontinent would act like this unless they also have some ABDL tendencies.

There is a difference between being very comfortable and accepting of your incontinence and this. I don't think its much of a stretch to say that most people on this board who are IC and not ABDL would not do this. Walking around in a wet and messy diaper is both risking a rash for her and disrespectful to you by not cleaning up when its easy to do so (it would be different if she was somewhere she couldn't change). Accidents happen, but parading around in only a messy diaper is an intentional choice. Most ICs don't want or need someone to check their diaper unless there's a good reason for it.

I have nothing against ABDL. Its perfectly fine as a kink in a consensual relationship. Have fun with it. Enjoy it. But if this her expressing her ABDL side, it is extremely manipulative and unfair. If she is ABDL and this is how she is tricking you into play, I'd have some serious concerns about boundaries and honest communication, because this is not consensual.

If I were you I would have a serious conversation with her about this. I understand you want to be respectful of her feelings, and you should. Incontinence is difficult to handle emotionally and physically. But understand acting like that is disrespecting your feelings by not making any effort to respect your boundaries. Just because she might need diapers and have accidents, doesn't mean she gets to avoid the responsibilities of it and push them onto you after you've stated you're uncomfortable with it.

You have the right to state your boundaries and limits of what you're comfortable with. Even if I'm misreading the ABDL side, doesn't mean you are wrong for being uncomfortable with her walking around in a messy diaper and not wanting to check her after you told her you were uncomfortable. Nor are you wrong for being uncomfortable with her hygiene if she is intentionally not cleaning up after herself. This isn't about you being uncomfortable with her incontinence, this is about you not being comfortable with her not respecting your boundaries.

Hi! Thank you for your comment. I never actually thought about the ABDL side because until recently (discovering this website) I never knew what it was, therefore I couldn’t bring it up or ask her. We never had q conversation about it and im sure she knows I had no idea about it, but now that I’ve been looking into it I will for sure ask. I thank you for the “this isn’t about you being uncomfortable with her incontinente but about her not respecting your boundaries” line because I couldn’t have worded it better.

I’m afraid that if it truly turns out to be something related to Abdl, which I am absolutely not comfortable with, I will hurt her by setting boundaries. I don’t think being a caregiver fits my lifestyle, is that selfish?