Advice for a struggling fiance of a abdl partner

[Vanillaandsad]

Disclaimer.... If there was any other safe place I could talk about this I would ....I respect and love my partner and never have shared her secret with anyone ... Which is why I am desperate for more knowledge and advice. Also, if this is in the wrong spot or is inappropriate please tell me and I will fix it ... Not trying to upset anyone!
Hi,
I'm gonna try to condense this as best as I can. Really struggling with this right now. My sweet partner and I have been together for 9 years now. My partner waited 3 years into our relationship to tell me about her lifestyle after I stumbled upon her things one day I tried to show up and surprise her. She was open about her being trans from the begining but kept her little side from me. I understand how devastating and shameful this secret was and still is to her.
When we found eachother I was so ignorant of most things.... I didn't even know what trans meant let alone understanding what infantile meant. (I would also like to point out that she was on meth when we got together and I didn't find out until I found out about her being little) She is currently 4 months sober... The longest she has been sober since we have been together. I have worked multiple jobs for the last 6 years to support her in a part-time job that she loved. Currently she is not working and I have 5 jobs to support us. Along with that, I do all the finances and take care of most of the house work. I'm not gonna lie ... When i first found out I was really upset ... Prob said some things that were really hurtful... I didnt understand and I didn't realize how interconnected everything was and how this wasn't just a fetish for her. In the years to come after that day, I have reached out to several abdl communities for help and questions. I have done months and months of reading and research. I have made so many changes and have tried everything I can in my comfort zone.... And still it isn't enough.
I have bought binkies, blankets, toys, books, wipes, bedroom toys, socks, dresses, undies, shoes, night lights, stuffed animals..etc.. I do lots of nurturing and caretaking things for her too. I have learned a lot since then and I put a lot of it to practice daily. The only thing I have not felt comfortable with is being "mommy" and changing diapers. I have not said no to her wearing them but she says if I am not willing to change her that she is not comfortable wearing them around me.... And I have brought her doing those activities solo and she said she will resent me if i make her do it alone. She constantly takes this issue out on me. Depriving normal and sexual attention as punishment for her not getting what she wants. Don't get me wrong... I get that this is more than a desire for her but she is constantly pushing me to do things far outside my comfort zone. I mean... I have changed so much just by how i speak to her, how i address her, what i buy for her... How i respond and speak to her ... Everything.
I give her a stuffed animal and a binkie and tuck her in most night... I make her special little food and snack... We go on little trips together... During christmas I had her pick out a stuffed animal to go with us to look at lights together... I cuddle and snuggle her as big spoon constantly... I dress her and change her clothes ... I wipe her down when she is dirty ... Tie her shoes.... I have really tried to make huge efforts to make things better for her little side..
On to this last year...... December before last she really fell off the wagon and went full time drug use again (plugging and all... Which if anyone is familiar with meth... Is incredibly dangerous and can hurt her) hid it all from me... She was gambling away all our money... Out of her mind screaming at me constantly ... Primarily about diapers.... Tore me down... Started to ingore me then ignored me sexually to indulge in hour and hours of porn and self pleasure mixed with drug use while I wasnt home working 5 jobs to support her. She was obsessing over toys i hadnt bought her ...obessing over porn people that I cannot even compare to...obessing over any abdl websites or groups she could find but refused ro communicate with me... She bought all* types of toys and hid them from me ... Hid videos and loads of porn from me... Always said she was tired and never wanted to do things with me. Everytime i would try to talk to her about anything in our relationship she would instantly go destructive psycho agressive and shut down communication for weeks... Sometimes months. This all went on behind my back for over a year bf I found out.
Now that she is sober and we are working on fixing our relationship ... She has decided to flip everything upside down ... Again with little communication or care to talk things out. She has been trying to throw out everything i bought her...she gets mad when i call her sweet little girl or my princess. She throws her stuffed animals off the bed ... She has even gone so far as to get mad when I use female pronouns... Now claiming that she is becoming strong and growing up for me. And that she is done with all that stuff and isn't going to be little or feminine anymore bc of me. Idk how to respond... I dont know what to do..... This is almost 6 years of habits and honest changes that I did to create a safe and secure relationship for her and now she just wants me to forget everything. I know that this is just her being hurt and depressed but it hurts me too. She is still ignoring me sexually and using porn in my place... She still has her vault app. I dont know what I can do more to make this relationship better or even function... I want to continue to love and treat her the way i know she craves in her heart but this back and forth blame and resentment is really hurting me. If I had anywhere else I could go to talk to anyone I would.... I have never shared her secret with a single soul on this planet till this thread. Please help .... I am so sad and lost.

 

[RubberJin]

Wow, that's a hell of a weight you're carrying.
I am not a counselor, in fact I'm just a random idiot on the internet, but that stuff sounds serious enough that you really really should seek professional help (your partner also needs personal help as well as relationship counseling).

With that caveat, I'll say that from your side of the story it sounds like you have done everything you can (and more) and that you should not set yourself on fire to keep others warm - some people are toxic and you have to look after yourself first. I'm not saying you should definitely walk away, but you sound like the sort of person who is sometimes too kind for their own good and that it's not selfish to consider that option. You probably know in your heart what you want to do, even if it may not be what you feel you should do.

 

[Trevor]

This is so much more than an ABDL thing. You need professional, objective help together.

 

[LittleMaddox]

I first want to say that everything you've done up to this point for her is so amazing and the issue here stems from her, and not you. You've put so much into trying to make her happy and established boundaries with your comfort level, which she didn't accept and purposefully made you miserable because of it. As others have mentioned, this isn't an issue with your ABDL relationship but your relationship in general. It seems that she's taking advantage of you and wants everything her way and is not willing to make sacrifices for your sake; a relationship should be a two-way thing, but tha'ts not what's happening. You should definitely seek professional help and maybe re-evaluate the relationship

 

[dogboy]

Yeah, your relationship sounds toxic. I guess you need to ask yourself, how long can you continue to live like this? You both need to seek professional help. I see a psychologist every week and it's easy to set up. I worked three jobs for a long time and I was always exhausted. I can't imagine how you handle five.

 

[Sheepies]

I'm sorry friend, but honestly this goes far beyond the dynamic of abdl/caregiver and requires the help of a trained psychologist. This sounds like a dangerously abusive and selfish relationship. Hiding ABDL is one thing, but hiding destructive drug use and gambling is a whole other demon entirely.

Please don't think you're being a bad partner in this, by the sounds of it you're doing far beyond your part and doing/did everything you could. She's not respecting your boundaries and is punishing you for no reason. There comes a point where you need to weigh out what you get from this too. Relationships should never be one sided, and if you're hurting more than you're receiving, then it may not be worth continuing. No matter how difficult it is to end a long term relationship. Please realize that your happiness matters too and no one should be in as much pain as you're describing.

 

[neophyte]

Welcome to ADISC, I am glad that you found some comfort by coming here. I'm sorry you are dealing with so many situations, it's not easy or fun and it sounds like your partner is having a difficult time with being a responsible and mature partner.

Based on your story I would say that you are not in a healthy relationship, you are not being treated with respect, you are being treated unfairly, and you are in an unpredictable relationship.

If you want to maintain your relationship AND be happy then you must find a local relationship/marriage councilor. At first you will feel super embarrassed but its best to discuss everything.

You only live once, don't spend it trying to make someone else happy while you are unhappy.

You sound like a kind and caring person who is doing more than their best to accommodate their partners desires; but face the facts... your partner is into drugs, hiding sex/porn, making you feel guilty in several ways, she has no income, and she has you tying her shoes.... she should be so grateful and be treating you like a goddess.

 

[Vanillaandsad]

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone. I really appreciate the support and advice. Been trying to get myself to go see someone for a while now. I didn't realize how bad things had gotten until they were at there worst. Thank you all also for understanding not many are .....this world is cruel and I cannot imagine having to feel shame over something innocent and fulfilling. I have been re-evaluating my relationship for a while now... I truly would be devastated to lose her but I know things are not right or healthy currently! I really do appreciate the firm kindness

 

[SorcerorElf]

I agree that professional help is essential at this point. @Vanillaandsad, it sounds like your partner may have some underlying trauma. Littlespace, gambling, and drug use are all generally ways of escaping from stress, so whatever your partner is trying to escape from must really be off the charts. It is quite possible that she may not be comfortable talking about it at first, but it needs to be addressed in some way. A counselor or psychologist who is abdl-friendly may be her best option at this point. You've been an absolutely amazing partner given everything that happened and I hope the situation gets better!

 

[littlemoosey]

I know there is a word, it is "co-depenedant" if ever a story exquisitely defined that word it is what I just read. You must be an amazing person, and it sounds like your partner is so out of touch there is NOTHING that you can do to fix this. Personally you have shown the patience of Jobe, she is sick she knows it, she is taking advantage of you in the worst ways. She is addicted, she will go back to being AB with a vengeance and you will be in her cross hairs when it all falls apart... again. You know what you need to do, you just have to do it.... you need to get out of that relationship. You sound like a very loving and giving person, you need to find someone that shares those values with you... life is too short to endure what you have already. Crazy, is doing the same thing over and over and over again expecting different results. Time to break this cycle.

 

[BobaFettish]

I wish having a partner with a peculiar interest and/or coping mechanism is your biggest problem.

I'm a Little, but I'm also been involved in recovery, both my own and a late lover addictions. I would like to suggest Al-Anon. It's a side group of AA that helps when you're dealing with someone in your life that is dealing with addictions. There's some skills and reframing to get out of the pattern of codependent behavior. Also, you can find others dealing with similar issues.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone. I really appreciate the support and advice. Been trying to get myself to go see someone for a while now. I didn't realize how bad things had gotten until they were at there worst. Thank you all also for understanding not many are .....this world is cruel and I cannot imagine having to feel shame over something innocent and fulfilling. I have been re-evaluating my relationship for a while now... I truly would be devastated to lose her but I know things are not right or healthy currently! I really do appreciate the firm kindness

 

[nareh60280]

I am usually the kind of users that only read and never write in the forum (I know I shouldn't), but your post really touched me.

I can only imagine the weight you must feel on your shoulders, if you support her financially, emotionally, and sexually, and she behaves in such a selfish way... This must be causing a lot of suffering on you, that you don't deserve!

I agree with someone from before... This is way deeper than ABDL, I think ABDL is just the problem that is showing in the surface, the issues with your partner are very very deep, and difficult to deal with... I think that this is the job of a psychiatrist... I think only a professional can help your partner... Even if your intentions are the best, I highly doubt you can do anything about it... Sorry...

There are two things I would like you to understand:

1. Relationships are a two-way avenue... Both partners must give and take, maybe not at the same level, but in a complimentary way, maybe one does finances, and the other the housekeeping, maybe both have jobs, or maybe one works, and the other cooks, each couple has their own arrangement... but both partners must cooperate in one way or another. I think this is not the case on your relationship, you are giving everything, and she is absorbing your entire existence... I don't think you will be happy this way...

2. Nobody has any responsibility to deal with the problems of other people, maybe the only exception is a parent-child relationship, but not between two adults. Sometimes we voluntarily help others, but we do so because we receive something in return, maybe nothing material, but we have to receive love, gratefulness, or emotional support... If this is not the case, then the other person becomes a burden, and you don't have the responsibility to carry such a weight...

I am no professional, I am just yet another idiot on the internet who likes diapers... But if you want my advise, it can be summarized in three points:

1. Your partner needs professional help, you cannot help her, only a professional can.
2. I cannot tell you what to do, but maybe you should consider leaving this toxic person, she is absorbing you... She is damaging you...
3. You also need professional help (a psychoanalyst maybe), but for a different reason... I believe this situation has already inflicted some serious damage on you, and you are not happy with your life... You deserve happiness, and you need help to find your own path towards it.

 

[dethpuck]

yeah your partner needs some serious professional help. Being ABDL does not mean helpless. Sounds like she needs to pull her weight. You have put up with more than most. I would not have done the same. Meth would be a total dealbreaker. I don't know much more you could have done. clearly this person is a taker.

 

[pampers4U]

I hate to be that guy, but she would have been gone long ago between the drug use and with holding sex as punishment, there are better people out there for you, she sounds like a vindictive person that is stubborn... sorry but no changing that and it will only lead to further heart break down the road, and if your legally married then the divorce can lead to more losses for things she didn’t even earn from the beginning... most states are equitable distribution states and an accustom of living could mean alimony and loss of a portion of retirement savings.

 

[Seasonedcitizen]

I don't even know where to start for giving advice. Your problem has different facets. Think about the future, your future. When you make a decision, don't have second thoughts. You will see a light at the end of the tunnel. It is a bright sunny Spring day. Deal with everything with that in mind.

Good luck.

 

[Vinylfeet]

Do you think you could read your OP and read it as if you were standing outside yourself. What would you tell that person?

 

[TeddyBearCowboy]

I know its been a few days since your post here, but I hope that you may be finding a bit more solace and help from the posts already given.

I want to first commend you on your length of love and devotion you have to your partner. You have undoubtedly shown a great amount of compassion and love beyond what most would consider any level of reasonability.

Your fiance obviously has many problems that need professional help. Many of which are truthfully beyond your own devoted ability to resolve. The best solution I could offer is for your fiance to get the treatment that she needs and also for yourself to perhaps obtain some counseling as well, as this is not just an easy fix.

What you should not do in any circumstance is to enable your fiance to continue in the path of destruction that the drugs and destructive lifestyle she is engaging in is creating. As a life-long ABDL who has experienced many things, both exploring in being ABDL, but also in my everyday life and relationshiops, including having my own children and raising them, I have been through a lot. In sharing this, I want to express that I do not believe it is ABDL tendencies that are the problem in your situation, but rather her selfishness and destructive behavior, including drug use and pornography. While you have come to this community for advice, I do not believe that diapers or adult baby desires are the root of the concerns with your partner. I don't think that anything you could do in fulfilling her ABDL desires is going to solve the issues you are facing.

It appears that you love your fiance enough to have been willing to explore her ABDL interests and support her desires with this. But from what you have shared, it sounds like there are other factors, primarily the drugs or meth, that may be causing her to become a person that is not the person that you would want to or should be with as a companion. I say this as it is not fair for you, despite your love for her, to have her be using you to fulfill her needs and then reject you as she is seeking out pornography and other means for her own gratification.

I am not a psychiatrist nor anything of the like, but I am concerned not just for your fiance, but for you as well. It seems obvious that she needs professional help to get off the drugs and porn and be able to see reality again. I applaud you for your love and compassion for her, but you also need to take care of your own well being. If she is not willing to get the help and treatment needed to change her life, then that is her decision and no matter how much you care for her, you cannot change it. Because of this, you need to look at this situation from an elevated level. Kind of like looking down from 30,000 feet and seeing things as they really are, without the emotions attached to it.

You seem like a very compassionate and devoted person. One who is putting others interests in front of your own. But what you should not do is to forgo your own happiness and future if the person that you are caring about is not willing to make the changes necessary to be an "equal" companion and lifelong partner with you. Be there for her. Help her in the ways that you can. But if she is unwilling to change and if she is not willing to put in the same effort as you in the relationship, then you need to look elsewhere. You matter as much as she does. Your life and happiness is as important as hers.

I would recommend the professional counseling for her and perhaps rehab treatment. If she is not willing to change, then my advice is to tell her your feelings as honestly as you can, expressing your love and care for her, but if she is not willing to change, then it is time to move on. She has to make her choices as well as your own.

My sincere prayers go out to you and to your fiance as you work through this.

 

[SpAzpieSweeTot]

Wow, you both hurt. You both hurt so badly. I recognize what she's doing. She's purging. When she was, "buy me, buy me, buy me," she was binging, and now, she's purging. The AB porn is what binging looks like for some people, when wearing, and having all the Little things, isn't possible.

Because she's trans and Little, she's trying to purge the Little, and the trans. It's not possible, so now, she's trying to purge them with drugs, but that's not possible either. All that will happen is, she won't be a live, or, at best, well, big boy, but a sick, or, at worst, dead Little Girl.

I will tell you, in a lot of Little's love languages, changes, are a big, loving, intimate, sort of analogous, deal. It wouldn't surprise me, if she's depriving you sexually, because you won't change her. Do not blame yourself for not understanding the, apparently, analog. It's not your native love language. If you can learn it, it'll be easier on her, but she is not the only one who matters in this. She is not the only one who matters in this. She is not the only one who matters in this. You do, too. You do, too. You do too!

First of all, get her safe. If she was binging and purging food, "Nope, you're not getting rid of all your food, and you're not eating it all in one go, either. We're getting help, is what's going to happen."

"Hey, nope. Your diapers and all your Little things are perfectly alright, so, why would you use them like they aren't going to be here tomorrow, or through them out like they're bad? They aren't bad."

Trouble is, her brain would swear you're the world's biggest liar. Maybe putting into words why it is changes aren't comfortable for you, and that they really are fine, as long as you don't have to change her, would help? I think maybe changing herself might pull her out of headspace, so from her perspective, it's really not okay. Either way, seek professional help.

Try to give yourself all the respect you'd give a couple learning each other's languages, particularly when one of those languages carries a massive cultural divide. She speaks love and emotional ASL, and you speak love and emotional English. Both of you need to learn, and you are working really hard, but she's hurting too bad to tell.