Yo, 'cho. Was thinking of you last week as I drove through the Palouse. Took the kids to Yellowstone and decided to divert through Pullman to visit the alma mater. Pity about all the smoke, but it was still a pretty drive.
It's a weird feeling when one of my oldest friends, who will soon be a new dad and who knows about my AB side, sends me a link to their baby registry. It's that uncomfortable "did he think about me and my knowledge of these items when sending the list, and will my gifts be over analyzed?"
Some progress: told my estranged wife I’m moving into my own place early summer. It will freaking hurt, because she still means the world to me. The bandage, though, needs to be ripped off. We both need to start new chapters.
I don’t understand the thought process that wanting to be alone is a sign of depression. I’ve never been more depressed than when I’m in a relationship and always have to stay attuned to their needs, mood, and so on. It’s freaking exhausting and kills the wonder I want to see in the world.
I’m starting to believe that the only form of unconditional love is between a parent and their child. I don’t think it can exist between adults; there’s always an “...or else we’re through” clause. Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be; after all, the law sees marriage as simply a binding contract. I broke that contract twice; I never will sign one again. It’s not worth it.
I’m gonna be honest: I’m having a very hard time aging gracefully. It depresses me endlessly. It’s hard looking forward to anything in the future when your best days - the ones you long for - are only slipping further into the past.
Scratching at the grey maw of winter’s tide lie vestiges of yesteryear, glimpses of unfettered joy; borne to no one but an outstretched hand, helpless to cloister, resigned to ether, claimed to none, left to languish in regret.
In the insanity of today, I think us cynical types often forget how amazing the world is thanks to science. I bought a book about the history of East Germany. The pictures enough were amazing, but thanks to Google Translate, I can use the camera on my phone, wave it over the pages, and it freaking translates it to English. Holy crap!