Questioning myself extreme trigger warning

[innostunut]

Hi! I would describe this text mostly ABDL and traumatic events that have made me kind of like this. Including me thinking about my possible agere side. I know they’re complete opposites, but I put this under ABDL because many agere people have so severe trauma I don’t want to bother them.

So if you have any triggers at the moment, I suggest you don’t read this.

I was first interested in diapers as age of three and had certain feeling with them. I remember this feeling every time we went through diaper shelves. It never went away. I was always interested in diapers and wanted to use them.

After sometime I had giggle incontinence and got incontinence pads from my mom. I started wetting them with water and sometimes peed on them. I remember I started acting babyish when I felt them like crawling and stuff.

I got caught by my mom who seemed insanely disappointed, like I would’ve stole from the poor. I tried to deny any fetish even from myself.

Well the incontinence got worse when I was 13 and I got adult pull-ups. It was best time from a long time and I wanted to test those. I didn’t mean to go nro.2 but did and got caught by my mom, who was disappointed.

After that I couldn’t deny my fetish, but the feeling was same as primary school or even 3-years old.

Now I jump to agere part. Although I’ve had sexual feelings with baby things since 3-years old, I never wanted to do any sexual in that littlespace. Also I’ve seen non-sexual dreams where I’m a kid and I find them lovely.

I also would want to live in that baby space without any sex and be treated like little kid without any sexual acts or that kind of stuff. Also if I had a choice to be that 3-year old little space that I’ve been without puberty and becoming sexually mature, I would. So if I can’t see this purely as a fetish.

Now I come to my greatest problem. The sexual part. I would want to be in purely agere circles, but I have that sexual side which feels like a curse.

I can’t be ”purely” with agere people in meetings (that’s why I don’t go to those) but can’t find a sexual partner either. Kind of like world saying ”fu” to me. Like mind that shouldn’t exist but exists.

I’ve wished I never had puberty and I’m jealous anyone who are able to regress voluntarily in agere. I know these people often have had horrible life, harder than me, but I can’t force my mind to be reasonable. It would be like saying you shouldn’t think depression and it goes away.

I understand women don’t most likely want a big baby living with them instead of masculine man and I totally get it without any complaining. It’s the norm and I see nothing wrong from it. But I can’t do another sims character instead of me who doesn’t have this side. So it’s catch 22.

I also wonder why this is such a taboo. I know I’m turning 27 soon and can’t just expect others pay for my living without me doing anything. I’m always ready for household chores I do my best to find I job (tried to get from at least 5 places within few months) and I can also defend my partner. I’m also pretty intelligent, so I don’t understand why all of this is worth nothing because this one ABDL/possible agedre or agere side?

Although this text might sound very depressing, I’m not. I’m looking brightly to future and I’m happy in my life most of time. So nothing to worry and I wait for the future.

Thank you for reading!

 

[Mikochi]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. It can be really hard trying to figure where you fit in this already niche corner of life ^^

I consider myself Agere and NGU (see reddit.com/r/nevergrewup). Being little and being able to regress comes from trauma for me. I also have extremely early memories about wanting to wear nappies, since age 5 or so. It feels like it's literally hardwired in my brain. Putting on a nappy gives an indescribable feeling of comfort and happiness, which is not sexual. But sometimes (though rarely), it kind of crosses over into being aroused. It also basically one of the very few things that really 'works' for me sexually, I'm not really attracted to people's bodies or anything. I'm confused by it and I kind of hate it when that happens tbh.

So I'm not sure either. My therapist tells me it's not so black and white, that it's not either this or that...

Agere people can be very gatekeepy and extremely repulsed of any kind of sexuality. This whole purity thing can be damaging imo. Like you said, you had these feelings since 3 yo. Physical arousal isn't something that only adults experience at all, so what makes it impure? I can see how sexualising others may be impure if it's abusive, idk. My point is that agere people feel that you need to be 'pure' in order to have the literal mindset of a child, but even actual children aren't devoid of erotic feelings.

Stil I hate sexuality and anything related to it ^^. I also wish I'd never gone through puberty because that made it so much more confusing for me.

Good luck in your journey ^^

 

[innostunut]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. It can be really hard trying to figure where you fit in this already niche corner of life ^^

I consider myself Agere and NGU (see reddit.com/r/nevergrewup). Being little and being able to regress comes from trauma for me. I also have extremely early memories about wanting to wear nappies, since age 5 or so. It feels like it's literally hardwired in my brain. Putting on a nappy gives an indescribable feeling of comfort and happiness, which is not sexual. But sometimes (though rarely), it kind of crosses over into being aroused. It also basically one of the very few things that really 'works' for me sexually, I'm not really attracted to people's bodies or anything. I'm confused by it and I kind of hate it when that happens tbh.

So I'm not sure either. My therapist tells me it's not so black and white, that it's not either this or that...

Agere people can be very gatekeepy and extremely repulsed of any kind of sexuality. This whole purity thing can be damaging imo. Like you said, you had these feelings since 3 yo. Physical arousal isn't something that only adults experience at all, so what makes it impure? I can see how sexualising others may be impure if it's abusive, idk. My point is that agere people feel that you need to be 'pure' in order to have the literal mindset of a child, but even actual children aren't devoid of erotic feelings.

Stil I hate sexuality and anything related to it ^^. I also wish I'd never gone through puberty because that made it so much more confusing for me.

Good luck in your journey ^^

Thank you very much! This helped a lot! I kind of understand that gatekeeping, because if you have such traumatic events it becomes complete no.

I personally don’t gatekeep, but I have weird things like something completely normal things disgust me. I can’t find any other reason than some minor trauma.

So if agere is your safe place, you might fight against everything that feels threatening. I don’t blame them. I wonder more about ”normal” people hating this.

Like in my country I could drink myself to the point of incontinence and people would be like ”oh dear, some people really go with the alcohol” and I probably would find a partner.

But now people act like I would tell them some bizarre crime that barely doesn’t harm anyone. I find this ridiculous. Like people have compared ABDL to things paraphilias that are lethal and illegal. Also saying this is some form of pedophilia.

 

[BBBen]

Thank you both for insight in a complex theme.

The last few weeks I heard much about agere in the ABDL community.
And i think many of us are inbetween of a complex spectrum. At the end we are adults who cope with our feelings. And sexual feelings sometimes are very strange in the context of diapers and little things. That one point many of us had binge and purge cycles.

As Mikochi said: physical arousing isnt something only adults have. And second: the whole purity think can be very damaging.

Sure, i can understand why people who indulge in age regression are blocking every sexual feelings.

Littlespace should and must be a safespace and free from adult sexuality. In that context sexuality is seen as abusive or self-abusive with the baby you are in that moment. The baby who needs nurturing and care and not sexual release.

On that perspective ABDL is seen as something weird and kinkrelated. Its a fetish like bdsm, lack and leather. Something without puirity.

But the whole time i am in the abdl community it never seems to me like only that. There a so many diffrent niches, which i didnt want to judge. And i think some who says they are adult babys, could be age regressors too. At all they are adults.

Why I am writing so much on this thread? Because at this time I struggle with my own feelings in this spectrum. Yes, i have diapers at home and pacifers aswell. I have a bottle, onesies and babytoys. And yes, my wife knows about it and has given me a safeplace about my feelings an that i dont have to hide my things.

But at this time I struggle to indulge in my feelings. For example: my feelings want to wear diapers every night, but there is a inner blockade. At least i didnt wear the last month. Or i would to experience some time in littlespace but i cant. And there is always the link between diapers and sexuality. But more and more i want experience little me. Sometimes it feels like he is crying: give me some baby time. But how to indulge?

At all:
I can learn so much about my feelings within the agere community and i am thankful for that. But why this community is so judgemental to the abdl community? More people as we think are inbetween.

These are my two cents. Sorry innostunut that you are struggling so much. But you are not alone.

Greetings BBBen

 

[innostunut]

Thank you both for insight in a complex theme.

The last few weeks I heard much about agere in the ABDL community.
And i think many of us are inbetween of a complex spectrum. At the end we are adults who cope with our feelings. And sexual feelings sometimes are very strange in the context of diapers and little things. That one point many of us had binge and purge cycles.

As Mikochi said: physical arousing isnt something only adults have. And second: the whole purity think can be very damaging.

Sure, i can understand why people who indulge in age regression are blocking every sexual feelings.

Littlespace should and must be a safespace and free from adult sexuality. In that context sexuality is seen as abusive or self-abusive with the baby you are in that moment. The baby who needs nurturing and care and not sexual release.

On that perspective ABDL is seen as something weird and kinkrelated. Its a fetish like bdsm, lack and leather. Something without puirity.

But the whole time i am in the abdl community it never seems to me like only that. There a so many diffrent niches, which i didnt want to judge. And i think some who says they are adult babys, could be age regressors too. At all they are adults.

Why I am writing so much on this thread? Because at this time I struggle with my own feelings in this spectrum. Yes, i have diapers at home and pacifers aswell. I have a bottle, onesies and babytoys. And yes, my wife knows about it and has given me a safeplace about my feelings an that i dont have to hide my things.

But at this time I struggle to indulge in my feelings. For example: my feelings want to wear diapers every night, but there is a inner blockade. At least i didnt wear the last month. Or i would to experience some time in littlespace but i cant. And there is always the link between diapers and sexuality. But more and more i want experience little me. Sometimes it feels like he is crying: give me some baby time. But how to indulge?

At all:
I can learn so much about my feelings within the agere community and i am thankful for that. But why this community is so judgemental to the abdl community? More people as we think are inbetween.

These are my two cents. Sorry innostunut that you are struggling so much. But you are not alone.

Greetings BBBen

Thank you very much! I’m more kind of curious than really struggling. It just feels weird to be between two worlds.