Partner ashamed of me

[DreamerBenenedicte]

Hi,

I'm recently dating with a very nice and beautiful girl. We are having great times together despite a quite difficult beginning because of my incontinence issues.
She seems to be understanding of my issues. She tries to be supportive but it's clear that she doesn't want to be too much involved with my issues management. For example she bought a disposal bin with a lid for her apartment bathroom. Also she asked me for a protective mattress for her bed so we can sleep together. Also I can store spare protections but they must remain inside a drawer in the bedroom to avoid any guests to find them in the bathroom. And that's it. In term of planning our outside activities, she doesn't think of the practical constraints for me. Will I be able to manage, to change or would I be comfortable?

Also it seems that my protections are of limits. When we are getting intimate, she will grab my boobs or maximum pat my but. But if we want more, she always directs me to the bathroom. And join me in the bathroom only once my old protection is in the trash bin and me under the shower... But to be honest I understand when it's early in the morning when we just woke up. But when I'm wearing only a barely clean pad or pull up I'm feeling strange to go wash. Maybe she always ask that to her partners? I never dare to ask . Anyway, I sometimes would prefer an immediate intimate action. Even if it's only with her fingers (sorry if its tmi).

Also the worst is I have the feeling that she might be ashamed of me in front of her friends. But maybe I'm just too insecure...
Once we were watching a movie at one of her apartment friend after dinner. My protection was quite wet. But I didn't bring change since it was a pull up and we were only supposed to have a drink. Not drink, diner and movie... But my girlfriend seemed to enjoy the evening so much that I didn't ask to leave. So I did my best going often to the bathroom but I was starting to feel very wet and uncomfortable. Only asked to leave immediately after the movie.
Once at home, my girlfriend told me that she was upset because she could smell my protection toward the end of the movie. That it was awkward when we lift up the blanket before getting up and go home
That I should have changed if I was wet for a while. I had to explain to her the situation before she understood. But too late, I was offended... And that was not the only time that I noticed that she seems to be embarrassed or awkward when I'm around her friends. Once my pad leaked a bit. Once we were at a restaurant with friends, the bathroom were to gross to replace my pull up and the bulge under my jean was starting to show .
She even questioned my planning because I sometimes need to change shortly after leaving the house.

Does it happens to you with your partner? Should I confront her ?
It's so complicated to have a normal life with incontinence...

 

[Jorelaxed]

Hi , goodmorning DreamerBenenedicte, I hope this day is going excellent for you.
I was reading into what your partner is doing and it does seem a bit controlling.
She has to understand that you are incontinent and have needs too.
All of us that wear 24/7 are going to wake up in a wet diaper, that is perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of.
Maybe if you wore tabbed diapers instead of pull ups to control leaks and be able to do extended outings, I started out in pull ups too
when I got injured 12 years ago.
I would have bad leaks too until my doctor told my about tabbed diapers, those fixed my leak issues, I am very thankful for her giving me that advice and prescription.
Don't feel bad about what your girlfriends friends think, It's your life, you own it not them. I hope this helps you in any way.

 

[Eclectic]

I doesn’t sound like she is taking your situation into account and mostly just thinking about herself. That’s a red flag. I would first make sure you are taking care of yourself, perhaps by upgrading your level of protection and then talk to her about your needs.

Not everyone can accept their significant other unconditionally. That means no strings attached and no judgement. I hate to say it, but relationships that struggle with this tend to fail.

 

[Edgewater]

Regardless of the status of your relationship, your basic IC care needs to occur and pull-ups are clearly not working! It is only fair for anyone to expect you to change your diaper prior to it becoming a Have To Change! Your on-going pushing your pull-up to a point of leaking is not adult behavior!

When you are sleeping at someone else's apartment, their rules reign supreme! She is not out-of-line in her requests.

Your general IC practices while out and about are not expectable!

You state you are incontinent, yet you are playing at the sloppy-edge. IC folks select from the position of over-protection as diapers are worn to maintain more than normal volumes for the time you will be out and about, plus!

If she asked me for my opinion I would tell her to RUN! As you need to upgrade your adult side to match the reality of being IC!! I have not seen you move to being far more responsible. As a result, you either begin being an adult or accept your submissiveness. I fully understand her position and requirements as you are not stepping-up to even basic adult behavior.

It is simply to have a normal life while also being Incontinent!! I have been doing it for nearing 46 years and there are many others here that are also doing it! Time to Adult yourself and taking responsibility as an Adult!

Hard, YES, maybe, this will cause you to make changes!!
Your current game plan is not working!!

 

[Zeke]

While I haven’t had to adjust my lifestyle for anyone since I became incontinent I agree with Edgewater that it’s something that you have to deal with as an adult and do some things that you might otherwise choose not to. Your condition shouldn’t put any additional stress on your partner, especially as you came into this relationship while being ic and your partner would assume that you were handling everything on your own and you had it under control. Try to adjust to her requests regarding your ic and not get resentful towards her because she asks.

 

[Neroforte]

Just reading your post sounds tones of red flags, To be honest in the past I made the mistake of ignoring red flags leading to now fighting for my kids day and night. If a partner play those game better to be alone than with someone who don't respect you

 

[fredy552]

Hi,

I'm recently dating with a very nice and beautiful girl. We are having great times together despite a quite difficult beginning because of my incontinence issues.
She seems to be understanding of my issues. She tries to be supportive but it's clear that she doesn't want to be too much involved with my issues management. For example she bought a disposal bin with a lid for her apartment bathroom. Also she asked me for a protective mattress for her bed so we can sleep together. Also I can store spare protections but they must remain inside a drawer in the bedroom to avoid any guests to find them in the bathroom. And that's it. In term of planning our outside activities, she doesn't think of the practical constraints for me. Will I be able to manage, to change or would I be comfortable?

Also it seems that my protections are of limits. When we are getting intimate, she will grab my boobs or maximum pat my but. But if we want more, she always directs me to the bathroom. And join me in the bathroom only once my old protection is in the trash bin and me under the shower... But to be honest I understand when it's early in the morning when we just woke up. But when I'm wearing only a barely clean pad or pull up I'm feeling strange to go wash. Maybe she always ask that to her partners? I never dare to ask . Anyway, I sometimes would prefer an immediate intimate action. Even if it's only with her fingers (sorry if its tmi).

Also the worst is I have the feeling that she might be ashamed of me in front of her friends. But maybe I'm just too insecure...
Once we were watching a movie at one of her apartment friend after dinner. My protection was quite wet. But I didn't bring change since it was a pull up and we were only supposed to have a drink. Not drink, diner and movie... But my girlfriend seemed to enjoy the evening so much that I didn't ask to leave. So I did my best going often to the bathroom but I was starting to feel very wet and uncomfortable. Only asked to leave immediately after the movie.
Once at home, my girlfriend told me that she was upset because she could smell my protection toward the end of the movie. That it was awkward when we lift up the blanket before getting up and go home
That I should have changed if I was wet for a while. I had to explain to her the situation before she understood. But too late, I was offended... And that was not the only time that I noticed that she seems to be embarrassed or awkward when I'm around her friends. Once my pad leaked a bit. Once we were at a restaurant with friends, the bathroom were to gross to replace my pull up and the bulge under my jean was starting to show .
She even questioned my planning because I sometimes need to change shortly after leaving the house.

Does it happens to you with your partner? Should I confront her ?
It's so complicated to have a normal life with incontinence...

DreamerBenedicte
I do not know what to say my Wife does not participate but she does not do what your friend does she is sneezing Incontinent and wears pads. She has opened up about my diapers when I bring it up sometimes. I am older so the matter of sex does not come up very often we just kind of pre-plan and I shower before we have sex and then I diaper up. For us, it has been 3 years with my Incontinence and still working through it. It is a work in progress sorry to say.

 

[ARBBB2]

I would support u in having one or two changes in a bag in the car, or large purse at all times, no matter where u go?

 

[RedStripeLvr]

From what you write, it appears to me that she is being supportive, but perhaps not understanding. She has purchased a bin for you to use in her house. This tells me she is trying to show you that she is accepting of your needs and wants to provide for them. If I were in a relatively new (at least that's what it seems) relationship and my S/O had done the same, I would see it as symbolic of her acceptance.

I don't think it is unreasonable for her to ask you to wash before intimacy. Let's face it, the smell of urine can be off-putting at times. Unfortunately, spontaneity is often lost when dealing with IC.

Keep in mind the average person doesn't

 

[RedStripeLvr]

Sorry..hit the button by mistake ..

Keep in mind the average person doesn't understand incontinence. For that matter, even many IC people struggle to understand it and manage it. It is possible for her to be accepting and still not understand. Not because she doesn't want to, but because she doesn't "know."

On the other hand, as others have suggested it is incumbent on you to use the proper protection and prepare for unexpected situations. A spare nappy or pull-up may have prevented the awkwardness of the situation. In fairness to your "very nice and beautiful girl," I'm sure she doesn't want her friends to have to deal with wet spots on their furniture or unpleasant urine smells that could likely be avoided with proper planning and quality protection.

You have someone in your life who makes you happy. My suggestion would be to communicate with her and try to work through this journey together. Wishing you the best of luck and happiness.

 

[247]

Regardless of being IC, all long term relationships worth keeping have to be worked at, just ask anyone who’s been with a partner for 20+ years. It’s not easy.

Now from your descriptions it sounds very much like she’s making her best effort to be accommodating and understanding. This will improve over time as She understands and learns your needs. I personally see this as a Green Flag.

I don’t see it as my partners responsibility to manage my needs. It’s my deal, I manage as best I can and look only for support and understanding over time. When planning activities, I think how do i mitigate my IC and plan for one extra change rather than I’ll need to cut and run. I don’t want IC to rule my life, I want us BOTH to enjoy life to the full.

I think it’s entirely reasonable to expect a partner to jump in the shower. Many a time before being IC, we would both jump in the shower prior, it’s nice to be smelling fresh. Whilst hot and steamy in the moment action used to be a thing removing plastic pants and tabbed diapers tends to kill the moment. Better to pre-empt the situation, “let’s go grab a shower together, I’ll go first” and manage the situation without further a word.

Very much doubt She feels ashamed of you , more likely She doesn’t want you to be ashamed or embarrassed in a social situation. It’s a private matter for you both. As time goes on there will be good people you may choose to invite into your circle of trust and understand your needs.

Whenever, I have a leak or make a mistake, I think how could i have managed the situation better and learn from it. Trust me, there have been many. Good that She understands what happened, better that you discuss how you’ll handle it next time to avoid making the same mistake.


Like you say it’s complicated, hope over time it becomes a little less so for you both.

Relationships have to be worked at.
Many times you may both be offended.
As long as it’s not toxic, work at it.

I’m sure She’s worth it!

 

[Zefrield]

It may be too early into the relationship to see red flags, hopefully this is something that she will adjust to when she knows you better and is more comfortable with it, time will tell. But if her actions are making YOU uncomfortable she might not be the right person to be with, only you can know. Like everyone else says , communication is the key.

 

[messydiaper]

My initial reaction to your post is that you might be harboring some sexual attraction with wearing diapers. I don't think an incontinent person would want a partner touching their protection and that it is a reasonable expectation of your girlfriend to want you to remove the protection and put it in the trash before you engage in bedroom activities.

On the other hand, if you have a desire for her to touch you while you're wearing a diaper, that needs to be a part of the conversation. "I am turned on sexually by wearing diapers."

She might reject that outright, but at least you wouldn't be concealing the desires anymore. She appears to be coming from this issue with compassion, and my thoughts are that you might have desires beyond simply wearing protection.

Please forgive me if I have mischaracterized your position. I'm just sharing my initial thoughts that are full of speculations.

 

[DreamerBenenedicte]

Thank you all for your advice and comments. Very interesting and helpful despite some harsh comments towards me or my girlfriend. You all have been respectful and I think that I might learn from all of them.

Just to be clear, I don't leak on my clothes or leave wet spots on the furniture all day long. I try to be as careful and clean as possible but some accidents or unforseen happens to everyone?

Since I'm dating her, I resolved to wear more absorbant products. I avoid pads and switched from Tena "Lady Pants" to bulkier Tena Pants Plus (unisex). To be honest, I don't like the bulk but I feel way more confident and comfortable. Since I wear them, I don't fear the leaks on my clothes. And feel way more comfortable because I barely feel the wetness. When busy with my day I sometimes don't notice when I dribble in the pants and only realise when I go pee in the toilets, or when it starts to swell

I really don't want to try tabbed protections since I really go pee in the toilets (or at least try) very often. It would difficult to manage to remove/replace with tabs. I would feel trapped and resigned to pee in them instead of trying in the bathrooms. Also they seems huge and quite impossible to hide under clothes. Maybe I should use them at night but I still go many times to the bathroom before sleeping (often for nothing or barley) and sometimes during the night .
In term of management, my main issues are smells, bulk and comfort (sensitive skin). I don't think that tabbed diapers that you replace less often would really improve my situation?

And about our intimacy, I don't expect her to see or touch my protections. But when I know it was replaced less than one hour ago without important leak since, I hopped I could just discard it quickly and discreetly under the sheets. And then continuing without too much interruption .
But finally realised that I'm too self conscious about my smell to fully enjoy the moment without a shower... So she is right and maybe I was too sensitive

Also thanks to your comments, I now belive (at lesat hope) that she is not embarrassed about me. But maybe fears that I'm embarrassed during social interactions. It's a private matter that both of us doesn't want to disclose.

 

[Regularnot]

If you are able to frequently use the toilet but want the full protection of a diaper, I recommend the Tena Flex belted style product - you can quickly and repeatedly move it aside to use the toilet and re-fasten it, the belt around your waist holds it like a second pair of hands.

 

[OnePiece]

It takes time for non-IC persons to learn to understand what an IC person’s needs and limitations.
You can teach her, but then you must talk.

It seems like you are changing frequently enough to be able to avoid pee-smell during the day, but since you
are experiencing smell, do you hydrate enough?
It’s easy to drink too little water during the day to try to avoid leakage, but this can make the pee smell more strong.
Also, going to the bathroom often to avoid using the pull-up, weakens the bladder and can leave you even more incontinent.

 

[DreamerBenenedicte]

If you are able to frequently use the toilet but want the full protection of a diaper, I recommend the Tena Flex belted style product - you can quickly and repeatedly move it aside to use the toilet and re-fasten it, the belt around your waist holds it like a second pair of hands.

Thanks for the suggestion. I saw them in my medical store but they didn't recommend it to me because it's "too much like a diaper" and not as easy to put on and remove than a pull up.
But you're right, I need to find better product at night and for now didn't find any pull up completely satisfactory. Too much wet feeling, smell and sometimes leaks .
I need to refill very soon and will give it a try. Only afraid that they might be noisy to put on and off every time I go to the bathrooms. Did you try them and found them noisy? And like for Tena pants they exist in different level of absorbency. Do you think maximum is mandatory at night for regular people? I mean, I don't drink 2 litres before bed and would like to avoid unnecessary bulk (more discreet and comfortable).

 

[DreamerBenenedicte]

It takes time for non-IC persons to learn to understand what an IC person’s needs and limitations.
You can teach her, but then you must talk.

I will take my time with her. And she is always opened to discussion. I just need to be ready too...

It seems like you are changing frequently enough to be able to avoid pee-smell during the day, but since you
are experiencing smell, do you hydrate enough?
It’s easy to drink too little water during the day to try to avoid leakage, but this can make the pee smell more strong.

Indeed I replace the protections regularly (in general max every 4 hours). Hope it's enough to maintain hygiene and cut the smell. I talked to my urologist about my fear of smelling. Said that good products and hygiene helps. But with my mild urinary retention I might have stronger urine even without necessary having UTI

Also, going to the bathroom often to avoid using the pull-up, weakens the bladder and can leave you even more incontinent.

Didn't heard about that. Going as much as possible in the bathroom to avoid leaking. Often as a precaution. Even though I'm under the impression that I always need to pee...

 

[Bailedacademic]

I don't personally think these are red flags. The average person doesn't understand IC issues. Even when they do, they will look to avoid having clear signs of it around their house. Hell, I avoid having clear signs of it around my house.

I'd suggest having an earnest conversation with her about the need to be able to change when needed.

That said, I do also think that she has a point on your planning. It sounds like you are leaning on a protection strategy that you may have surpassed usefulness of. I think a lot of us have been there. But, I agree with others that have pointed out that it might be time to consider tabbed diapers. Yes, the perception of these aren't great, with even some sites like Carewell suggesting they should only be used by folks who need assistance. However, they're frankly a better fit for me when out and about. A boosted Northshore MegaMax Airlock can get me through an 8 hour time period and not get soggy or too noticeable when paired with a bodysuit (I like Old Navy's square neck ones, can be used as an undershirt or work great as a top) and jeans or thicker material joggers/chinos (I tend to go for straight or slim leg). Even less noticeable under an a-line skirt/dress paired with a simple underskirt (I've got a few simple cotton ones off etsy for cheap). Smell bleed on the Airlock is a concern for some, I don't have that problem too much with a bodysuit over it, just like I don't really experience sagging or significant bulk with them. That said, the normal MegaMax certainly could work just the same and not have the chance of smell bled. Putting tabbed diapers is actually really straightforward once you figure it out, I favor the wall method because I can quickly do it myself and get a good fit, even in a tight stall.

Finally, I also agree that keeping supplies on you is kinda important. I've found any shoulder bag that claims it can hold an IPad mini, can hold an Abena 3 Pullup, a few trial wipes, sanitizer, a couple opaque dog poop bags for easy and discreet disposal, and normal purse items (wallet, phone, sunglasses, lipbalm). That said, I also have a cute backpack purse that I'll grab for long outings, as I can fit a couple Airlocks and such in them, in addition to normal stuff I keep on me. Honestly, I've considered just sticking with the backpag purse from here on out, because having tabbed protection makes changing frankly easier in stalls (you don't have to take your shoes and pants off).

So, yes. She could certainly be more sensitive and accomodating. But I also think it might be worth really evaluating where your IC needs are and what you can do to prevent frequent changing, as well as be better prepared for when you do need to change.

 

[OnePiece]

I will take my time with her. And she is always opened to discussion. I just need to be ready too...

Indeed I replace the protections regularly (in general max every 4 hours). Hope it's enough to maintain hygiene and cut the smell. I talked to my urologist about my fear of smelling. Said that good products and hygiene helps. But with my mild urinary retention I might have stronger urine even without necessary having UTI

Didn't heard about that. Going as much as possible in the bathroom to avoid leaking. Often as a precaution. Even though I'm under the impression that I always need to pee...

Different diaper brands have different ways to hide pee-smell. For me, Tena and Attends work the best, but this can be personal chemistry.
Some brands make a foul smell really quick.

Another thing that in my experience seems to lessen the pee-smell getting into the skin, is keeping hair short and use some kind of barrier cream.
Also airing out an hour or two every day is important. Best to do this at home after a shower. Now, to avoid accidents, a chair-pad(?)/small bed-pad on the sofa can come in handy. For more discretion, a piece of cloth can be used to cover it.

About your retention, it’s important to try to maintain a bladder function that is as healthy as possible.
The retention can be the cause for your frequent need to pee, your bladder never completely empties.
This can cause irritation of the bladder and also bacterial build-up.

I went down the route of peeing more and more often to avoid leakages, but my problems just increased.
When I went to a urologist, she explained this connection to me and I started training to wait longer.
Not that it fixed things, but it improved a little.

Talk to your urologist about these things, as she/he can give you more advice about what to do.