Maybe i should just give up

MissLexi

MissLexi

Est. Contributor
Messages
23
Role
  1. Little
My transition is going nowhere. I can't get a stable supply of hormones and my gender therapist is an asshole. I'm the only one in the family who has an adam's apple. It makes me cry whenever i look at myself. I hate the adam's apple. It's the most hideous thing ever created in the universe. It makes me look like my neck is skewed. It makes me feel exposed, vulnerable, and ugly. I'll never pass for a woman with that hideous triangle sticking out of my throat. My body is covered in white hairs which i'll never be able to permanently remove. I made a crude gun in my home shop but i don't even know if my improvised ammunition has enough power to pierce my head. Maybe i'll make more guns with bigger bore and rig them to all go off at once. Nothing ever went right in my life. I started my transition too late. My biological clock has stopped. My bones already seized. None of the cute dresses fit me because of my male figure and height. My mom fucked up my last gender therapy session by forcing her way in despite me being asking her not to. I was treated like a fucking pubescent teenager by the therapist!!!! I lost all hope i built up over the last month. Fuck you, mom. I hope you'll sleep well with the thought that you pushed your dearest son into suicide. It's all your fault. I told you to fuck off and not meddle into my transition but you just couldn't do it. I was born just to make my family suffer
 
Reply
  • Sad
Reactions: CheekyCharlie
Kind person, you have a lot on your mind right now, and it seems like you have no one to talk about any of it with. Would I be able to send you a DM? I'm not experienced in the way of transitioning, but I understand not being taken seriously for serious issues. I know how it is to experience those kind of thoughts, too. Wishing you all the best, internet neighbor. Please let me know.
 
Something isn't right here. It's not normal to prescribe something then withdrawal it. Yes I've read in your post that you intially got your hormones on the street.

Okay that's frowned upon, but you didn't have bad intentions you were just trying to be happy.

And any person who works in the medical field should be able to understand and accommodate such situations.

Honestly I think you need to go to the higher ups in this situation, the people supervising your gender therapist and doctor or higher than that.

Keep explaining, repeating and asking until someone understands and actually does something.

It's just miss, don't give up the fight for your rightfully deserved happiness and future so easily.


I'd urge you to see a more general counselor or therapist and explain to that person. That you genuinely need this and you can't go on without it.


If this person is decent and hard working then they will help you and if they're not then try again. Because eventually someone is gonna do something


And lastly find a print out for friends and family of suicidal people. There is no need for your family to constantly watch you or be in your business. Yes you're distressed but you still deserve to treated like a person.
 
I don't know how old you were when you started your transition, but I was 40 and my life today (24 years later) is wonderful. I have a (very happy) friend who transitioned in her 50s, and I know of many who have transitioned much later! It is never too late unless you carry out your threats. It really does get better.
 
Reply
  • Like
Reactions: Cottontail and CutePrincess
Hi Lexanna. I know how you feel but don’t hurt yourself. It’s not your fault and as others have said you deserve to be happy. This life is so hard at times it feels like being swamped in frustration and sadness. Don’t give up the fight and it absolutely will eventually get better. I hate Adam’s apples as well. I use one of these when I’m sick of looking at it and it useful as a face covering in the pandemic as well. It’s a bit warm in the sun but helps prevent sunburn too
www.solbari.co.uk

Face & Neck Gaiter UPF50+ Sensitive Collection

Certified UPF 50+. Our sun protective neck gaiter is ideal to protect your face and neck from the sun's UV harmful rays. Our face and neck gaiter provides excellent sun protection, is lightweight and is highly versatile for warm and cool conditions.
www.solbari.co.uk www.solbari.co.uk
It might not help you but I find when I’m feeling like you are now that a good wig, mascara and eye liner, and my neck scarf pulled up to cover all but my eyes really helps. Especially if you can distract yourself with doing your nails and watching a good film. Don’t analyse the rest of yourself closely as it only hurts more. The worst if the sadness will ease eventually, and if not, you must get a general counselor to chat to about the depression. Let us know how it’s going please.
 
Reply
  • Like
Reactions: KittyninjaW, CheekyCharlie and Cupcake
Keep at it!!! It is a loooooong process but eventually results will start showing!!!
 
" Last seen Tuesday at 4:35 AM "
wonder how things are going
 
stay stong know is rough out there better than most
 
Felt so bad earlier wanted cut my self cold blood running down my arms got over it just crying now
 
Just stay strong just peed all over the floor just focus on being you move forward it's difficult forgetting the past what happened has happened can't go back
 
MissLexi said:
My transition is going nowhere. I can't get a stable supply of hormones and my gender therapist is an asshole. I'm the only one in the family who has an adam's apple. It makes me cry whenever i look at myself. I hate the adam's apple. It's the most hideous thing ever created in the universe. It makes me look like my neck is skewed. It makes me feel exposed, vulnerable, and ugly. I'll never pass for a woman with that hideous triangle sticking out of my throat. My body is covered in white hairs which i'll never be able to permanently remove. I made a crude gun in my home shop but i don't even know if my improvised ammunition has enough power to pierce my head. Maybe i'll make more guns with bigger bore and rig them to all go off at once. Nothing ever went right in my life. I started my transition too late. My biological clock has stopped. My bones already seized. None of the cute dresses fit me because of my male figure and height. My mom fucked up my last gender therapy session by forcing her way in despite me being asking her not to. I was treated like a fucking pubescent teenager by the therapist!!!! I lost all hope i built up over the last month. Fuck you, mom. I hope you'll sleep well with the thought that you pushed your dearest son into suicide. It's all your fault. I told you to fuck off and not meddle into my transition but you just couldn't do it. I was born just to make my family suffer
Click to expand...
I don't know you, but whatever you are thinking.... please stop for a second and breathe. breathe deep and exhale.... message me instead. I will respond and I will listen to you. No judgement, no advice, I will just listen and you can say everything you want to say... but please, don't take your life. If not for yourself, then for me, a stranger on the internet that doesn't want you to suffer or be alone.
 
Reply
  • Like
Reactions: Cottontail and chrischrischris
To the OP: I don’t know, but I’ll guess, that transitioning under the noses of one’s parents is generally pretty damned hard. Some will have especially open-minded parents who instantly embrace the idea and have the means to fully support it, but I’d suppose they’re a minority. It might seem callous of me to say this, but as I obviously don’t know your whole situation: At this point in your life, you might hasten your transition (and your pursuit of happiness in general) if you instead focus your efforts on gaining independence. Try to resign yourself to some vestigial maleness and accept that, as an adult, your parents are (unfortunately for you) under no obligation to sponsor your transition and can’t be relied upon in that regard. Pause it, get shit together, resume when you can.

It’s easy to get poisoned by the seeming unfairness of situations. I’ve been there, albeit not because of gender identity. It just stops you in your tracks and saps you of energy that could be put to better use. It’s taken me some time to accept this, but one’s happiness really is one’s own responsibility.
 
Reply
  • Like
Reactions: Lyokodl
Back
Top