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Lately I've been falling off the rails.
I've been struggling inwardly. As some of you may know, I have DID.
I'm still learning about myself and my parts.
I've had my littles since my body was physically little, and can recall my youngest alter when I was physically as young as two years old.
After my diagnosis, things suddenly made so much sense. It's like pieces of the puzzle started falling into place. I could look back and think, Well, that makes a lot of sense now.
Currently, we are aware of 6 of us. The one we just discovered has been with us for many years but we did not know she was an alter until recently. She is called a persecutor alter and also an introject alter of someone who abused me/us. She makes it hell for us in our head, bringing shame, fear, doubt, hate, confusion, and anything that causes us to want to just give up on life.
I'm currently in trauma therapy. While it has been extremely challenging (to say the least), my parts have experienced healing.
Currently, though, we're having conflicting thoughts, urges, and feelings.
Sometimes we feel like we're gonna dip out. Other times we are afraid we will fuck everything up and subconsciously self-sabotage healing.
We fight a lot against Agnes, the persecutor alter, and her "voice" we hear in our head.
It's not an audible voice but an internal one that comes in the 2nd person.
For example, a week ago or so, we were looking at an outfit online for one of the littles and the "voice", condemingly said, "You're not going to wear it anyway."
Agnes often tells us if we do certain things then God will be angry at us, leave us to suffer, punish us, that he doesn't love who we are, that my littles just need to grow up, along with words to humiliate my two year old alter for wearing and using diapers, all of my littles for wearing their clothes because, in Agnes' words, "We look ridiculous."
This causes my parts to want to hide and deny themselves.
The worst part? Due to the horrific spiritual trauma I endured in my life, I have a hard time deciphering what thoughts are true and aren't. While the good news is that my belief about who God really is has changed, Agnes', the part of me that split due to the ramifications of the trauma, is killing us.
There was a while where Agnes wasn't as loud and we were doing well, felt joy, felt more accepting of ourselves, and adult me started exercising, changed my diet from processed foods to whole, healthy foods, started cooking, journaling, and felt like we were actually, finally living life in sobriety.
I even lost 15 pounds by eating healthy and lightly exercising.
Late January, I had a PTSD attack and it feels like we are trying to claw our way back to where we were so we can move forward. Like every time we think we're good, something is like, "Bitch, that's what you thought," and shoves us back down.
We have so many thoughts and fears right now. Two of my alters aren't so sure of my therapist. One hates her. Another goes back and forth from how she feels toward her. (Right now, she's angry). My littles love her but are feeling a little unsure about things right now due to conflicting thoughts and confusion.
We've had thoughts to cease therapy or find another therapist based off of things I have read and certain feelings and thoughts we are having, but I don't want to make such a rash decision because I know how easy it is for my parts to get confused, hear something that wasn't actually said, assume the worst, etc.
I definitely know our therapist truly cares for our wellbeing and she is the first to have actually SEEN us.
We just have a shit ton of questions going through our head, doubts, fears, etc.
Lately, over the past couple of weeks, we've been exhausted and we have lost desires to do what typically brings us comfort or happiness.
Adult me dreads cooking or having to meal prep anything that takes over 10 minutes when I used to enjoy cooking and meal prepping. I find it difficult to journal. I stopped tracking my food. Stopped exercising. Have ate junk food for the past two weekends. Spending is out of control. My apartment is a wreck. Purged my food last night. Self-harmed after I'd done so well resisting that urge. All I want to do is sleep on the weekends so I don't fuck up my sobriety and so none of my parts have to feel what they feel or ruminate on what is bothering them.
I feel like I'm watching a speeding train derailing.
I apologize for this downer of a post; I just needed to vent a bit and I feel pretty safe here to do it.
If you read this, thank you for taking the time to do so.
I've been struggling inwardly. As some of you may know, I have DID.
I'm still learning about myself and my parts.
I've had my littles since my body was physically little, and can recall my youngest alter when I was physically as young as two years old.
After my diagnosis, things suddenly made so much sense. It's like pieces of the puzzle started falling into place. I could look back and think, Well, that makes a lot of sense now.
Currently, we are aware of 6 of us. The one we just discovered has been with us for many years but we did not know she was an alter until recently. She is called a persecutor alter and also an introject alter of someone who abused me/us. She makes it hell for us in our head, bringing shame, fear, doubt, hate, confusion, and anything that causes us to want to just give up on life.
I'm currently in trauma therapy. While it has been extremely challenging (to say the least), my parts have experienced healing.
Currently, though, we're having conflicting thoughts, urges, and feelings.
Sometimes we feel like we're gonna dip out. Other times we are afraid we will fuck everything up and subconsciously self-sabotage healing.
We fight a lot against Agnes, the persecutor alter, and her "voice" we hear in our head.
It's not an audible voice but an internal one that comes in the 2nd person.
For example, a week ago or so, we were looking at an outfit online for one of the littles and the "voice", condemingly said, "You're not going to wear it anyway."
Agnes often tells us if we do certain things then God will be angry at us, leave us to suffer, punish us, that he doesn't love who we are, that my littles just need to grow up, along with words to humiliate my two year old alter for wearing and using diapers, all of my littles for wearing their clothes because, in Agnes' words, "We look ridiculous."
This causes my parts to want to hide and deny themselves.
The worst part? Due to the horrific spiritual trauma I endured in my life, I have a hard time deciphering what thoughts are true and aren't. While the good news is that my belief about who God really is has changed, Agnes', the part of me that split due to the ramifications of the trauma, is killing us.
There was a while where Agnes wasn't as loud and we were doing well, felt joy, felt more accepting of ourselves, and adult me started exercising, changed my diet from processed foods to whole, healthy foods, started cooking, journaling, and felt like we were actually, finally living life in sobriety.
I even lost 15 pounds by eating healthy and lightly exercising.
Late January, I had a PTSD attack and it feels like we are trying to claw our way back to where we were so we can move forward. Like every time we think we're good, something is like, "Bitch, that's what you thought," and shoves us back down.
We have so many thoughts and fears right now. Two of my alters aren't so sure of my therapist. One hates her. Another goes back and forth from how she feels toward her. (Right now, she's angry). My littles love her but are feeling a little unsure about things right now due to conflicting thoughts and confusion.
We've had thoughts to cease therapy or find another therapist based off of things I have read and certain feelings and thoughts we are having, but I don't want to make such a rash decision because I know how easy it is for my parts to get confused, hear something that wasn't actually said, assume the worst, etc.
I definitely know our therapist truly cares for our wellbeing and she is the first to have actually SEEN us.
We just have a shit ton of questions going through our head, doubts, fears, etc.
Lately, over the past couple of weeks, we've been exhausted and we have lost desires to do what typically brings us comfort or happiness.
Adult me dreads cooking or having to meal prep anything that takes over 10 minutes when I used to enjoy cooking and meal prepping. I find it difficult to journal. I stopped tracking my food. Stopped exercising. Have ate junk food for the past two weekends. Spending is out of control. My apartment is a wreck. Purged my food last night. Self-harmed after I'd done so well resisting that urge. All I want to do is sleep on the weekends so I don't fuck up my sobriety and so none of my parts have to feel what they feel or ruminate on what is bothering them.
I feel like I'm watching a speeding train derailing.
I apologize for this downer of a post; I just needed to vent a bit and I feel pretty safe here to do it.
If you read this, thank you for taking the time to do so.
Yes, I believe this too shall pass.
