Im totally sick of this taking over/destroyibg my life

[DB9847]

Sorry I've tried all the mental health services here and to get the help I need I actually need to be showing suicidal behaviours which Is bizarre 😅 I'm just going to rqmblebon so if I don't make much sense it's cause Ive fried my brain researching ways to accept neurotic disgusting self for 26 years...

This has wrecked my life and I'm sick of losing the battle, I've decided to just try and speak to the mental health services or whoever will listen


I know that living in a fantasy land is no good and having q real fear of being found out/judged is a big thing to me
.

I don't really trust men cause of traumat that happened I've finally vocalised and it has brought stuff to the front and at the same time I opened up to my recovery therapist little side and how I don't feel safe until I'm in bed in a nappy and he told me I was basically basically sinner and this behaviour can be turned off with 12 step program


Sorry I'm off on a tangent


What I'm basically trying to say is this addiction/affliction is causing le day to day to day mental health issues, I go through stages of oversharing which I think is related to bpd, I think my interest is definitely related to humiliation but also that I need to feel inferior or less than to women so I could get attention I've got some mad body dysmorphia going on with my weight I either eats loads of nesqwik(my age regression potion)


I can't cope with the shame that I will never be normal the local services won't have anything to do with me cause I've took overdoses padded up to the hospital and just made a mess of mine whole persona by getting a nurse to change me even though I'm not incontinent I'm just a waste of space oxygen thief who can't accept himself for what he is. This behaviour has worried me and I wonder if the whole city is talking about me, I obviously was not in the right frame of mind


I obviously have not got over my teenage years,still messed up and not functioning at 36




I can't even be bothered to go back and read the shite I've read.sorry

 

[Anemone]

There's a lot to unpack there.

I'm guessing that you just needed a rant so I won't presume to get into it further but if you do want to I - and I'm sure I'm not alone in this - am more than happy to make myself available.

I've felt a lot of what you are going through so I know how awful it can get. That said I am finally in a better place than I knew I could be in, which shows that not all is as it seems from the bottom of the well.

 

[DB9847]

God why can't I just vocalise it to the doctor and just section me away from society cause that's basically what has happened anyway? Isolation/substance misuse and I've not had a girlfriend for 18 years

fuck me I've spent so much time obsessing over myself and how to fucking live with this shit or cover it up


In quick summary, binge purge cycle not trying to fall back into old ways of drinking and I'm just feel like I've let this lifestyle take me over

I mean why can I can not look at a woman without first thinking of if shed be a good nappy changer?


Didn't sleep much last night these are just ramblings for me to decipher once I've rested

 

[sbmccue]

I certainly sympathize with your plight. I've always viewed my infantilism as a curse, and it's been a roadblock in almost every serious relationship I've ever tried to have. Nonetheless, I've long accepted that big baby desires are a part of me and I'll never be rid of them.

I try to greet my fantasies and daydreams as friends, and I've worked hard much of my adult life to ensure that I have caregiver outlets available.

All of us understand - and most of us share - your desire to be 'normal.' But I've been on the planet for nearly 64 years, and I've reluctantly concluded that there's no such thing as 'normal.' Your desire to become normal has about as much of a chance of reality as my desire to be a baby again.

The only thing you can do is accept yourself. If you believe in God, perhaps you'll remember the old saying, "God don't make no junk." Double-negatives aside, I honestly don't believe God would have put these thoughts and desires in my head unless there was a purpose behind them. Through being an 'activist' infantilist, I've been able to influence countless lives and I've developed and nurtured friendships that persist to this day. I've come to discover, of course, that not everyone views ABs or DLs in a positive light. But the more I consider their stance, the more I'm persuaded that their inability to view us with some modicum of compassion is their problem rather than mine.

Even if you don't believe in God, perhaps you can accept that every challenge or adversity carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit. Your challenge, as I see it, is to find that benefit and claim it for yourself.

And by the way: Many times, while on a bus or walking the London streets, I saw a pretty young woman and silently wondered if she could change a nappy. There's nothing wrong with daydreaming. However, it seems to me that daydreaming pretty well defines your life. Perhaps you can find some aspect of your desires you can actionize. Standing there and wishing makes no man great; the good Lord sends the fishing, but you must dig the bait.

Best wishes!

 

[DB9847]

There's a lot to unpack there.

I'm guessing that you just needed a rant so I won't presume to get into it further but if you do want to I - and I'm sure I'm not alone in this - am more than happy to make myself available.

I've felt a lot of what you are going through so I know how awful it can get. That said I am finally in a better place than I knew I could be in, which shows that not all is as it seems from the bottom of the well.

Yeah I just needed to get stuff off my chest maybe find out some coping tips 😪

This is with me for life isn't it? I go through phases of wanting to tell my mental health worker she's only a bit younger than me and I don't know how she'd react or if it would be crossing a line,I was just going to explain it as a other side to me and how it affects day to day life like leaving the house and and just to get some validation or an OK? Why do I feel this need for validation from someone I've known for weeks?that just because she works in mental health she's just going to be OK with it and not spread it round the place

 

[DB9847]

I certainly sympathize with your plight. I've always viewed my infantilism as a curse, and it's been a roadblock in almost every serious relationship I've ever tried to have. Nonetheless, I've long accepted that big baby desires are a part of me and I'll never be rid of them.

I try to greet my fantasies and daydreams as friends, and I've worked hard much of my adult life to ensure that I have caregiver outlets available.

All of us understand - and most of us share - your desire to be 'normal.' But I've been on the planet for nearly 64 years, and I've reluctantly concluded that there's no such thing as 'normal.' Your desire to become normal has about as much of a chance of reality as my desire to be a baby again.

The only thing you can do is accept yourself. If you believe in God, perhaps you'll remember the old saying, "God don't make no junk." Double-negatives aside, I honestly don't believe God would have put these thoughts and desires in my head unless there was a purpose behind them. Through being an 'activist' infantilist, I've been able to influence countless lives and I've developed and nurtured friendships that persist to this day. I've come to discover, of course, that not everyone views ABs or DLs in a positive light. But the more I consider their stance, the more I'm persuaded that their inability to view us with some modicum of compassion is their problem rather than mine.

Even if you don't believe in God, perhaps you can accept that every challenge or adversity carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit. Your challenge, as I see it, is to find that benefit and claim it for yourself.

And by the way: Many times, while on a bus or walking the London streets, I saw a pretty young woman and silently wondered if she could change a nappy. There's nothing wrong with daydreaming. However, it seems to me that daydreaming pretty well defines your life. Perhaps you can find some aspect of your desires you can actionize. Standing there and wishing makes no man great; the good Lord sends the fishing, but you must dig the bait.

Best wishes!

I hear ya

As for desires I can actualize? as in hobbies?

 

[LittleAndAlone]

It's not going away ever. Your biggest hurdle is being at peace with that. You can't change who you are but you can change your expectation of who society says you're supposed to be.

Every single one of us here has gone through this and the desire for a normal life, eg a spouse, kids, white picket fence, etc. I just barely registered here and signed up for CAPcon to get the ball rolling myself after a lifetime of hiding and swearing I'd take it to the grave.

Therapist that called you a sinner and said you can turn it off sucks. Don't ever see them again.

There's nothing wrong with this at all. Yeah it's a little wierd and creepy, so what. It's a curse but also a gift. I see how mundane and shitty 'normal' people's lives can be, especially insecure macho men, and it makes me cherish my inner child self that I kept safe and sound inside of me all these years.

Never let go of that. Its a really rare and special thing. Most people reject and kill their inner child under societal pressures to be big and bad. Then the being big and bad wanes and they shamble through the rest of life like a zombie. Miserable hollow grown up greyscale husks with all the life and soul sucked out of them. Once that spark is extinguished they can never get it back.

Here's the same advice I give all my nieces and nephews and other kids in my life that help me fill the void in my heart that I miss out on from not having a 'normal life':

Stay little. Growing up is a trap.

 

[sbmccue]

I hear ya

As for desires I can actualize? as in hobbies?

For many years, my wife and I thought of my infantilism as my 'hobby.' The problem with a 'hobby' is that it is typically undefined. Your first challenge is to define what you want from your AB desires. I'd suggest you sit down with a piece of paper and start a 'big baby dream list.' All the things you want to have, do or experience as an AB should go on your list.

I have to tell you that most ABs with whom I share this idea never do it. The step from daydream to making the daydream a reality is too fraught with peril for them.

A dream list will give you a starting place. Writing crystallizes thought, and thought motivates action. You can't just 'think' about what you want; you have to write it down. I still have items on my nearly 40-year-old list that I have not achieved, but most have been accomplished several times over. For example, I've had 20 caregivers, have quite an AB wardrobe, and have had a full nursery. I have yet to be breastfed by a lactating woman, and I may well die without fulfilling that desire. And I'm still searching for the 'perfect' adult highchair. Almost everything else on my list is something I've now done ... and most, several times over.

 

[Anemone]

Yeah I just needed to get stuff off my chest maybe find out some coping tips 😪

This is with me for life isn't it? I go through phases of wanting to tell my mental health worker she's only a bit younger than me and I don't know how she'd react or if it would be crossing a line,I was just going to explain it as a other side to me and how it affects day to day life like leaving the house and and just to get some validation or an OK? Why do I feel this need for validation from someone I've known for weeks?that just because she works in mental health she's just going to be OK with it and not spread it round the place

Things and people change. You are unlikely to suddenly lose interest in nappies but how that is expressed is not set in stone.

My own example is one of self-destruction and compulsivity which, through a lot of hard work has transformed into something positive.
I now give myself permission to express this part of myself and, counterintuitively, spend much less time engaged with it than I used to. Turns out that fighting with myself meant it was always near the forefront of my mind.

I have discussed my interests with professionals and, though they might not always "get it", they have always been professional.

Validation is a wholly valid thing to want and someone trained in non-judgmental listening is a very sensible place to start.
As a rule of thumb the thing that you want to make excuses for not saying is the thing that is most significant to say.

Confidentiality is an added bonus, which you are entitled to discuss prior to any disclosure so you know where you stand.

 

[Cottontail]

I now give myself permission to express this part of myself and, counterintuitively, spend much less time engaged with it than I used to. Turns out that fighting with myself meant it was always near the forefront of my mind.

This bit is super applicable to me, at least with minor modifications. I might not say "fighting with myself," but rather simply "not indulging." I haven't wrestled with the binge/purge cycle as much as some others have, but I've nonetheless been forced to abstain (or tried to) for periods of time, and only during these times would I describe ABDL as an unhealthy preoccupation (for me). Otherwise, during and shortly after indulging, my mind is free to focus on other things. It's definitely counterintuitive, but in my experience the surest way to, in effect "get rid of" the preoccupation is to acknowledge and embrace the need it represents. On the other hand, neglecting and/or denying that need makes it a monster!

I don't mean to suggest that embracing the need is universally easy though. I'm not that naive. And of course embracing requires opportunity, which might be difficult to perceive according to one's particular situation. @DB9847, I do hope you'll share this with your therapist, and if necessary look for another one who can see that this isn't something to be erased, but rather something to be incorporated into the bigger picture. I've not talked about ABDL with a therapist myself, but the anecdotes shared here by others who have suggest that speaking with a kink-affirming therapist is an enormously positive experience.

Best wishes on your journey!

 

[Daniel2013]

i hope you find someone who accepts you for who you are

 

[LePew]

As far as in aware, ABDL is considered a harmless kink by mental health professionals UNLESS it interferes with your life in a negative way. Which it’s doing. So, if I am connecting the dots here correctly, perhaps it would be a good idea for you to take a break from ABDL for a few years and focus on your well being.

 

[BunnyFofo]

The way to stop being an ABDL from feeding into the other serious problems like depression, alienation, overeating, is to accept that:

• Being an ABDL is a part of who you are. You can't stop being an ABDL and you shouldn't want to.
• It isn't wrong or bad to be an ABDL or do ABDL stuff
• ABDL activities can be fun and relaxing
• you can engage in them in moderation
• you can engage in them in private

You should definitely try another therapist because if you have all of these problems chances are there are causes OTHER than just being ABDL. You might need help getting through that. Ideally one you can also talk to about your sexuality. But if that isn't possible, you can just not bring it up.
The therapist you got before is GARBAGE sorry to say. I'm wondering if they were even licensed.

 

[BunnyFofo]

As far as in aware, ABDL is considered a harmless kink by mental health professionals UNLESS it interferes with your life in a negative way. Which it’s doing. So, if I am connecting the dots here correctly, perhaps it would be a good idea for you to take a break from ABDL for a few years and focus on your well being.

IMO this isn't good advice. If ABDL is interfering with your life in a negative way, trying to completely abstain for a long period of time will do more harm than good. It's also likely to result in relapse. If you keep trying then you're just in a binge purge cycle.

Definitely moderate ABDL activity though. If you overuse one coping mechanism, it's going to lose effectiveness. If you don't have a way to deal with bad feelings other than doing ABDL stuff/overeating/substance abuse, then find some additional, harmless methods ASAP. Preferably more than one, as many as possible. Variety is the spice of life.

 

[LePew]

^ I took a 6 year break from wearing diapers and it was very good for me. At that time I had a lot of insecurities around it and it would’ve interfered with my emerging relationship with my future wife. Now that I’ve come back to DL again, I’ve done so as a more confident person who’s built much stronger social relationships and developed a much stronger sense of self worth. My wife supports me because she loves me; had I told her about it shortly after we met, I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t have been together for long and the wonderful life we’ve built together would’ve never existed.

I don’t think I’m giving bad advice. I’ve literally lived this advice.

Did you read OP’s post? ABDL is devastating their metal health.

 

[BobbiSueEllen]

I've tried all the mental health services here and to get the help I need I actually need to be showing suicidal behaviours, which Is bizarre.

Yep, same here. Psychology is a Catch-22 in that if you seek them out and say you need help, you're considered sane for trying to seek help and you're dismissed; and if you say you're sane and you don't need their help, they spring into action until you're in a hospital and medicated. Extremely frustrating. The help they say is out there is utter lip service.

Therapist that called you a sinner and said you can turn it off sucks. Don't ever see them again.

I second this. Avoid 'faith-based' counseling, it's corrupted. The point of a counselor is to help fix or adjust, not condemn. Not saying there are no flawed counselors in secular therapy but religious therapists are far biased and can be damaging. Found that out the hard way.

It's not going away ever. Your biggest hurdle is being at peace with that. You can't change who you are but you can change your expectation of who society says you're supposed to be.

The odds are very high that it'll never stop being a part of us. It certainly imprinted on us in our infancies and it sure did with me!

But back to @DB9847 : peace is never won without a fight...not so much about AB/DL as much as our socially-hammered perceptions of wrongness and social taboo. Therein lies the conflict. It's misunderstood, for sure, and certainly not illegal or unlawful. It just has a negative social opinion is all, which can be understood a little...Muggles don't dig wet and/or messy diapers. They're unhealthy due to bacteria & germs and they smell when used. But they're managed with changing & disposing. That much is easy.

But there's still struggle in you and that's interfering in your work & social life. Are you afraid of if they find out? Are you trying to find people to tell & trust? Gotta be careful with that. The good part is you keep it at home, out of discretion & tact. You got a bigger chunk fixed than you think; if you were exhibitionist at this juncture, you'd probably be in a rubber room, drugged. You're fighting hard to walk an even line, and narrow as it may feel, I think you're doing admirably.

Now...we come to the matter of a mate: that's a very tough one. I've had two "Mommies" keep me in & change my diapers before, and the thrill is fun but it does wear thin after awhile. One Mommy was in a relationship and the other had a very scattered life. They're people, too, no more or less than a Muggle...they just love to take care of & change Adult Babies. That's hyper-rare. And finding a Muggle who'd be willing to go along with it to any degree is tough.

We have this thing called AB/DL, just like any other ability or disability. It doesn't define us but it is part of our "packet". The hardest things to accept are (a) ourselves as such, and (b) that we may not find a mate who'll go along. I think you stand a better chance than I do; I'm disabled, ugly, broke and old, LOL. You got far more going for ya.

How do I handle it all?

• I have autism. Someone had to get it, looks like it was me in the batch born on my day;
• I have severe fibro, which killed my career. Someone had to get that, too...mourning the loss of my career was hard, though, the money was good;
• I'm ugly. It used to affect me...not as much now. It keeps vain fakers away, and there are loads of them out there;
• I'm broke. Nobody like having a broke person around;
• I'm old. 56. That says quite a bit.
• Being all of these things has found me a few good friends who are exceptional in patience & tolerance. That's all I'll need to be happy, even if I don't find a mate who'd go for all this in me. Nobody changes me or cares for me better than I do for myself. Besides, I've changed more diapers on kids & grandkids than any male parent or grandparent could boast so I know how to perfectly put/change a diaper on me. And dress up, bottle up, etc. Nobody cares for me better than I do. That took years to get to.

Keep talking, DB. That is the best thing you can do and the #1 reason why this place exists. Talk. Someone's always here.

 

[LittleAndAlone]

Yep, same here. Psychology is a Catch-22 in that if you seek them out and say you need help, you're considered sane for trying to seek help and you're dismissed; and if you say you're sane and you don't need their help, they spring into action until you're in a hospital and medicated. Extremely frustrating. The help they say is out there is utter lip service.

The stigma and discrimination against mental health is infuriating.

A sane reasonable moral person who is able to recognize a medical issue and seek help cannot do so without fear of their constitutional rights being permanently removed, their home being raided and possessions confiscated, and a brand that will permanently follow them for the rest of their life and effectively lock them out of most dignified careers and any chance of resuming a normal life.

Voluntarily seeking mental health care in the US is effectively a death sentence. It's no wonder people who want help stay clear and never get it.

🤬

 

[BunnyFofo]

^ I took a 6 year break from wearing diapers and it was very good for me. At that time I had a lot of insecurities around it and it would’ve interfered with my emerging relationship with my future wife. Now that I’ve come back to DL again, I’ve done so as a more confident person who’s built much stronger social relationships and developed a much stronger sense of self worth. My wife supports me because she loves me; had I told her about it shortly after we met, I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t have been together for long and the wonderful life we’ve built together would’ve never existed.

I don’t think I’m giving bad advice. I’ve literally lived this advice.

Did you read OP’s post? ABDL is devastating their metal health.

Be careful. There are key differences between your experience, your advice, and the OPs experience.

The OP doesn't have a personal relationship they're working on at this time. If they did then I agree that not bringing diapers into it and not letting them influence the relationship is something to consider. Personally, I'm fairly sure the OP has issues other than ABDL they need to work on before they should date.
I don't think telling the OP they should ditch diapers in order to date a girl would work out well at this time.

We need to know why ABDL is devastating their mental health. I think there's actually more than one reason why. These are the reasons I'm getting, but if the OP is reading this - check these with a therapist if you can.

1. It's basically the only coping mechanism they have for depression, other than harmful stuff like overeating/drinking. So it doesn't work well (eg it doesn't give them joy) due to overuse and association with addictions, which causes more use to cope, creating a bad feedback loop.
2. Plain old shame/guilt/non acceptance over being ABDL.
3. Engaging in risky and non consensual public behavior mostly due to 1.

None of the reasons would be helped by just trying to force not doing ABDL at all for a long period of time. ABDL activities MUST be moderated - but the safe way to do that is by finding something else to do in it's place, and by possibly addressing underlying causes for depression, not trying to force it.

I also have to wonder - @LePew when you gave up diapers, would you say you were in a similar mental state to the OP? I don't see how that's possible. You had a girlfriend you were confident you could maintain a long term relationship with. I don't think the OP could feel that confidence right now, there are too many other problems at the moment.
I bet you also already had some acceptance over having a diaper fetish as well? I don't think the OP has that at this time. There are too many differences here to apply your experience to the OP, at least right now.

Maybe in the future when some of these problems are addressed by @DB9847 then it might work.

 

[Anemone]

I second this. Avoid 'faith-based' counseling, it's corrupted. The point of a counselor is to help fix or adjust, not condemn. Not saying there are no flawed counselors in secular therapy but religious therapists are far biased and can be damaging. Found that out the hard way.

I'd say that the role of a counsellor is to listen, respect and accept. This provides the platform for a person to arrive at their own truth without judgement.
The religious belief of the counsellor not really relevant, just their professionalism and competence.
Of course using an unscientific basis to inform practice is both professionally negligent and reeks of incompetence.

I have a similar issue with the idea if kink affirming practioners, it implies an agenda which is disingenuous to the client.

 

[Floodingpants]

I have worked in a high security psych unit for several years. What I have seen is that you first have to accept who you are and build on that. It looks like you have several issues you need to work on and that ABDL is just one part to deal with. It is best to work on one issues at a time. I wish you the best and take care of yourself. Just know you are not alone.