I need help.

[MrsZaronab]

So I haven't been on this site for awhile. I haven't really had anything to add to the conversation. Well all of a sudden my hubby began acting very strange. He doesn't want anything to do with me.

He's watching TV, and I set down next to him he gets up and leaves. I offer to change his diaper (Now I know there is some of you would pay good money for that!) He says “No! I can change my God damm diaper.” The nerve! Friends call and he hangs up on them. He doesn't want to "adult baby" anymore. Apologies I could think of a better term. He wont eat meals with me. Or talk to me. Or be with me. Or be close to me like we have always been.

All he wants to do is go for walks and listen to his podcasts. And drink. Hubby has always been a borderline alcoholic. Now he drinking 4 to 5 tumblers of whisky a night (Glad he has his diapers on then).

So I made him go see a therapist. He has been meeting twice a week for a couple of weeks now. I asked him about it? He says nothing. I talked to the therapist and she says that he is suffering from severe depression and can't say anymore.

What does he have to be depressed about? He has a great job, money, all in all a great life. I can't help think that its me? I am trying to be as supporting as I can be but he doesn't want my support. I don't know what I am doing wrong? I feel hurt and awful. I just don't what to do?

 

[BlizzardKid]

One of the most common misconceptions about depression, anxiety, and other mood disorders is that life circumstances are the cause of the symptoms.

He is doing the right thing if he "agreed" to see a therapist, but there are no overnight-fixes, it could take weeks or months for symptoms to get better.

It sounds like you and him are on the right path but at the same time respect his privacy and privelage he has with his therapist.

 

[dogboy]

Maybe you could also see the same therapist or at least another therapist in the same group. If his depression has a medical cause rather than environmental like job stress, then it's something you can't reason with. Is he on meds? If so, it will take time to find the right medication and dosage. Mental illness isn't something we can control but we can seek help. That's really all you can do. People have separated because they could no longer live with a mentally ill partner.

 

[DylanLewis]

So I haven't been on this site for awhile. I haven't really had anything to add to the conversation. Well all of a sudden my hubby began acting very strange. He doesn't want anything to do with me.

He's watching TV, and I set down next to him he gets up and leaves. I offer to change his diaper (Now I know there is some of you would pay good money for that!) He says “No! I can change my God damm diaper.” The nerve! Friends call and he hangs up on them. He doesn't want to "adult baby" anymore. Apologies I could think of a better term. He wont eat meals with me. Or talk to me. Or be with me. Or be close to me like we have always been.

All he wants to do is go for walks and listen to his podcasts. And drink. Hubby has always been a borderline alcoholic. Now he drinking 4 to 5 tumblers of whisky a night (Glad he has his diapers on then).

So I made him go see a therapist. He has been meeting twice a week for a couple of weeks now. I asked him about it? He says nothing. I talked to the therapist and she says that he is suffering from severe depression and can't say anymore.

What does he have to be depressed about? He has a great job, money, all in all a great life. I can't help think that its me? I am trying to be as supporting as I can be but he doesn't want my support. I don't know what I am doing wrong? I feel hurt and awful. I just don't what to do?

MrsZaronab

I'm very sorry to hear about what you and your hubby are going through. It sounds awful for both of you. My thoughts and prayers are with you both. From your posts you are a loving and accepting spouse and you and your hubby have a great relationship. You've done the right thing with therapy. Hang in there. This too will pass.

Our past exchanges make me wonder if depersonalization is involved in your hubby's condition. Chronic depersonalization is a horrible, insidious but little understood condition. It estranges a person from themselves as well as others. Its most prevalent effect is emotional numbing. It is closely linked to anxiety, and also to depression. There is a cumlative effect to chronic depersonalization so that it can built up to crises in middle and later life after a seemingly successful, achieving life and career. If you think it is relevant let me know I can send you references and some stuff I've written it. If this is off-track just ignore it and won't be offended.

Best regards. Dylan.

 

[MrsZaronab]

Replying to 1st 2 comments. I know this crazy but I want be in the room with hubby and a therapist. I know him better than anyone. It takes awhile really to communicate with the therapist. I can help get the time down quicker. I know his BS. I can give insights. I need her to tell me what to do to help him. I need to know what is being said so I can help him. This affects me as much as him.

Yes he is taking meds but he is dowing them with alcohol. Bottle clearly says dont take with alcohol! This is why I need to be in the room with him. I did mommy him to take his meds without alcohol before bed. He was actually sweet about it. Then an hour later I hear him and his diapered butt downstairs. I go down and there he is drinking.

 

[MrsZaronab]

I am also worried that he might do something to harm himself. I make sure I am there to watch him. Thats one of the few blessings of Covid. I took all the sharp objects out of the house and anything else he could use to harm himself. He usually takes the dog when he goes for his walk. I couple times I followed him when he didn't take the dog.

 

[DylanLewis]

I am also worried that he might do something to harm himself. I make sure I am there to watch him. Thats one of the few blessings of Covid. To all the sharp objects out of the house and anything else he could use to harm himself. He usually takes the dog when he goes for his walk. I couple times I followed him when he didn't take the dog.

MrsZaronab

Have you been able to talk to his therapist about your fears for your husband's safety? Hopefully the therapist realizes that you need support too, and can either offer some joint sessions with your husband when that is appropriate, or refer you to another therapist or a support group for the partners of people with depression.

Regards. Dylan.

 

[siysiy]

It must be really hard for you.

I know what it's like to be depressed at least your husband is seeing someone about it.

Hope he can work things out.

 

[onecho]

I wish there were easy answers. I am bipolar, high anxiety, and have fought depression for about 15 years now. I've also managed to wreck two marriages in the process.

Mental battles like this are hard on everyone, not just the sufferer. He knows how it wears on you, which only exacerbates the matter. It ends up being a vicious cycle and sucks in everything around him. He probably enjoys going on walks and tuning into his program because in those moments, he knows he isn't hurting you or those he loves. It's that momentary escape where he can just focus on him.

I ruined my marriages because I tried to manage my anxiety by being in control of the household; I was the breadwinner, "Mr. Fix-it", so on and so forth. WIth all that on my plate, I couldn't ever relax, let alone regress. My stress level never got back down to zero like it should during the good time in our lives, and the baseline just kept getting raised. Eventually, my anxiety spilled over onto those who relied on me. They felt their stability and ability to count on me fade away. After that, everything else started crumbling and there's little stopping that.

I'm not at all saying divorse will happen for you; I have plenty of my own issues. What I can say is don't take his desire for space as an insult or negative judgement against your valiant efforts. Like a wounded animal, most who are depressed just want to be left alone to sort things out. Even a 'kid' like me needs time away from momma when cuddles won't fix a problem.

Him going to therapy is a good start. Give him some space and know that he hasn't forgotten or stopped loving you. If he didn't care, he wouldn't be trying to get better. I wish you both all the luck in the world!

 

[Electrically]

Hi Mrs.Zaronab
I have never spoken (written) to you before but you seem nice and I definitely see you have real problem. And I feel bad
First his therapist needs to communicate with you I understand patient/therapist confidentiality but there has to be some way for that to happen.
2nd adding alcohol to prescription drugs is pretty big problem I don’t think it’s a good idea so he has to quit doing one or the other. But if you were to push too hard it could Cause even more distance between you
So you are definitely in a tough spot how much is a tumbler?
But in saying all that
You might consider to back away I am not saying quit caring but maybe he needs find the bottom to want change.
Which will be quite scary but you deserve to be happy and it’s quite clear you are not
If he doesn’t really want change it won’t
Best

 

[ArchtopK]

Are you able to support yourself if he loses his "great" job? I would seek professional guidence on this before it gets worse for, your own sake.

 

[littlemoosey]

I wish there were easy answers. I am bipolar, high anxiety, and have fought depression for about 15 years now. I've also managed to wreck two marriages in the process.

Mental battles like this are hard on everyone, not just the sufferer. He knows how it wears on you, which only exacerbates the matter. It ends up being a vicious cycle and sucks in everything around him. He probably enjoys going on walks and tuning into his program because in those moments, he knows he isn't hurting you or those he loves. It's that momentary escape where he can just focus on him.

I ruined my marriages because I tried to manage my anxiety by being in control of the household; I was the breadwinner, "Mr. Fix-it", so on and so forth. WIth all that on my plate, I couldn't ever relax, let alone regress. My stress level never got back down to zero like it should during the good time in our lives, and the baseline just kept getting raised. Eventually, my anxiety spilled over onto those who relied on me. They felt their stability and ability to count on me fade away. After that, everything else started crumbling and there's little stopping that.

I'm not at all saying divorse will happen for you; I have plenty of my own issues. What I can say is don't take his desire for space as an insult or negative judgement against your valiant efforts. Like a wounded animal, most who are depressed just want to be left alone to sort things out. Even a 'kid' like me needs time away from momma when cuddles won't fix a problem.

Him going to therapy is a good start. Give him some space and know that he hasn't forgotten or stopped loving you. If he didn't care, he wouldn't be trying to get better. I wish you both all the luck in the world!

what a wonderful thought out reply Onecho. I am sorry that you have been through all of that. I hope things are looking up for you now.

Lm

 

[Blathers]

I am sorry that you guys are going through that, it is only natural to want to blame yourself.
Its great that he is in therapy now, and it can hopefully him through his sevre depression, in a way.

I also have gone through mental issues, and am seeking a therapist now. Sometimes I forget my actions can lead people to feel as if they are to "blame" its all very complicated.

You seem like a compassionate partner, he is very lucky to have you, see where it goes <3 you guys will see this through
sending hope your way <3

 

[MrsZaronab]

Are you able to support yourself if he loses his "great" job? I would seek professional guidence on this before it gets worse for, your own sake.

Lets just say his employment status doesn't worry me. Money is not an issue for us.

 

[CaterpillarSick]

I can help get the time down quicker. I know his BS. I can give insights. I need her to tell me what to do to help him. I need to know what is being said so I can help him. This affects me as much as him.

Right now your husband and his therapist are likely in the stages of getting comfortable with each other. I wouldn’t try to inject yourself into the process unless they want you to. Your husband needs to know that he can say whatever he’s thinking without having to worry about it affecting other parts of his life.

As for his “BS,” I wouldn’t worry to much about that. Therapists know how to handle patients that try to deflect. I’m one of the worst patients because I at times just won’t say anything.

Yes he is taking meds but he is dowing them with alcohol. Bottle clearly says dont take with alcohol! This is why I need to be in the room with him. I did mommy him to take his meds without alcohol before bed. He was actually sweet about it. Then an hour later I hear him and his diapered butt downstairs. I go down and there he is drinking.

I would talk to his therapist about your concerns. They may be able to give you some advice, but you also may not like the advice. Often times you’ll be told to just give it time. That being said, I would bring up the issue of taking his meds with alcohol. It might not be too much to worry about, most antidepressants are fine if you have a drink or two, but it can also do serious harm.

I took all the sharp objects out of the house and anything else he could use to harm himself. He usually takes the dog when he goes for his walk. I couple times I followed him when he didn't take the dog.

This is probably a step too far. While you may see it as trying to help, he might see it as you not trusting him. If these are serious concerns, then tell him directly. Show him that you care about him, and tell him that he can come to you if he needs help.

So I made him go see a therapist. He has been meeting twice a week for a couple of weeks now. I asked him about it? He says nothing.

Don’t expect him to. He might very well see not telling you as a means of not hurting you. It’s his problem, and he may not want to burden you with it. Just be patient.

What does he have to be depressed about? He has a great job, money, all in all a great life. I can't help think that its me? I am trying to be as supporting as I can be but he doesn't want my support. I don't know what I am doing wrong? I feel hurt and awful. I just don't what to do?

Depression is not as simple as having a difficult life. Depression can be triggered by something as simple as not being able to go somewhere. This entire quarantine, I’ve had to fight my depression. Being stuck going back and forth between 3 or 4 places has been enough to trigger my depression. Any number of things could have triggered it, but you can always be there to listen and offer support.

Don’t get too hung up on all of this. If he’s willingly going to therapy, that’s a good thing. He’s at least identified the problem and is working towards fixing it. Therapy takes time. A few weeks isn’t long enough to see the effects. Most of what you can do for him is give him space to process his emotions and thoughts, remind him that you’ll be there if he needs help, and raise you concerns with his therapist. The first few months are always the hardest with depression.

 

[MrsZaronab]

Thank you for your advice.

I keep seeing give him more space. I cant do it. If I gave him all the space he wants, he'd go to the end of the universe! Thats not going to happen he needs me too much.

A tumbler is about 6 shots so thats is around 30 a night. No more denial, no more justifying it to myself, I need to get rid of the alcohol now! And give him alternative? Put him in a nice comfy diaper, give him a bottle of milk and special time with mommy?

I need to be in the room with the therapist. I need to know what is being said. I get why for most people it is not proper. We are not most people. I don't like him or the therapist holding back on me! I just want to be told how to help him. This is not how our marriage is going to be. No separation, no divorce, its till the grave. He knows this.

It used to be when he got beyond frustrated with me he'd take me right there. It was exhilarating! Now, I have to deal with this shit.

 

[ORBaby]

As others have said it is not your fault. Depression is hard to treat. It can take up to a couple of months for meds to show effects, and every person responds differently to any med. I have dealt with depression for almost 15 years. I think that I was lucky to find the right combination in less than a year. You mentioned the alcohol, alcohol is a depressant, it makes things worse. You should get rid of it. Excercise is good, I felt that walking helped me stay stable. Best wishes to you both. Hope he starts improving soon so that he will be able to let you join him to work through it together.

 

[CaterpillarSick]

It used to be when he got beyond frustrated with me he'd take me right there. It was exhilarating! Now, I have to deal with this shit.

How do you think he feels? Do you not think he remembered that time as well? Do you not think he would love to do that again? The truth is that depression drains you. When I have been severely depressed, all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't have the energy to do anything I enjoyed. I just felt tired all the time, so I slept. I would at times sleep 16-20 hours a day. I was miserable, and sleeping that much only made me more miserable. It took months for me to get better. I know this pains you. I really do, but I also have some idea of what he's going through.

I keep seeing give him more space. I cant do it. If I gave him all the space he wants, he'd go to the end of the universe! Thats not going to happen he needs me too much.

You're absolutely right. He does need you, but he also needs to believe that he can get better. Constantly looking over his shoulder doesn't give him that confidence. It serves to remind him that he's broken. Giving him space allows him room to think. It gives him the freedom to work through his problems. Treating him like he's constantly on that fine line of hurting himself doesn't help. It makes him question how bad things really are. I'm not saying you need to pretend like nothings wrong; that would be callous and equally unproductive. I'm instead arguing that you need to give him some leeway. Show him that you trust him. Show him that you believe in him. That way he can feel better about his own ability. You'll still be there for him, but you'll let him lead his own recovery. You'll give him control and agency over his own life.

I need to get rid of the alcohol now! And give him alternative? Put him in a nice comfy diaper, give him a bottle of milk and special time with mommy?

Perhaps you do need to get rid of the alcohol, but perhaps you don't. As ORBaby said, alcohol is a depressant. It can make depression worse, but if it gives him pleasure, taking it away could be worse. There is no easy answer here. The idea of forcing him to regress is also poorly advised. If he sees it as a punishment, that only makes it worse. It will cause him to resent his little time, and it runs the risk of him resenting you.

I need to be in the room with the therapist. I need to know what is being said. I get why for most people it is not proper. We are not most people. I don't like him or the therapist holding back on me! I just want to be told how to help him. This is not how our marriage is going to be. No separation, no divorce, its till the grave. He knows this.

This is a bad idea. The number one thing he needs is a space he can feel safe in. He needs a space that he feels comfortable opening up about all of his insecurities. He needs a space that he feels comfortable venting out all of his frustrations. This includes his insecurities and frustrations about you. The two biggest thing you feel when you are depressed is self-hatred and vulnerable. You hate that you are forcing everyone you love to go through this. You hate that you aren't who you used to be. You hate that other people have to do the things you would have done. And all of that makes you feel weak. You feel like you are terrible. You feel like you'll never amount to anything. You feel like a failure. You feel like an embarrassment. And you feel like a disappointment. You hate yourself, and you feel like it's all your fault. I would bet anything that if he has ever thought of divorcing you, it would be because he thought you were too good for him. That he thinks that he has failed, and you deserve someone better. I can tell by how you write your posts you care deeply. It is incredibly obvious. He almost certainly can tell how much you care too. Depression's greatest evil is robbing your ability to see the reality around you. It makes you forget all the reasons people care about you. It makes you think of yourself as an anchor holding others back. It convinces you that the best course of action is to let go; that you need to stop being a burden on those you love. I know it's hard to understand; that is the very nature of depression. He may do things or say things that are paradoxical in your view, but in his mind he may not see it as such. He may very likely see it as the most rational and compassionate thing he can do. If you are concerned, talk to his therapist. They need to know your concerns as much as they need to hear his, but don't take away the one space that he can feel complete control over. He needs to know that there is someone that he can say anything he needs to with the knowledge that it won't harm their relationship. He doesn't want to vent to you because he doesn't want to make his problems yours. Give him at least the space to say the things he doesn't want to worry you with.

PS: If this seemed to get a bit emotional, that's because it did. This response kind of combined with some feelings I have about myself. I don't think any of it is wrong, but some of it is definitely more influenced by my own experiences with depression than what I have read about depression. I mean every word of what I've said, so at the very least let this serve as a glimpse into the thought process of someone who is depress.

PPS: This is totally unrelated, but it just struck me as odd that a tumbler is 6 shots. Typically a tumbler of whisky, when poured properly, is a single shot. Is it a standard lowball glass? How much does he fill it?

 

[DylanLewis]

Thank you for your advice.

I keep seeing give him more space. I cant do it. If I gave him all the space he wants, he'd go to the end of the universe! Thats not going to happen he needs me too much.

A tumbler is about 6 shots so thats is around 30 a night. No more denial, no more justifying it to myself, I need to get rid of the alcohol now! And give him alternative? Put him in a nice comfy diaper, give him a bottle of milk and special time with mommy?

I need to be in the room with the therapist. I need to know what is being said. I get why for most people it is not proper. We are not most people. I don't like him or the therapist holding back on me! I just want to be told how to help him. This is not how our marriage is going to be. No separation, no divorce, its till the grave. He knows this.

It used to be when he got beyond frustrated with me he'd take me right there. It was exhilarating! Now, I have to deal with this shit.

MrsZaronab

This sudden change in your loving relationship with your huusband sounds awful for you. It must be incredibly hard on you. Your recommendation to your husband to go to therapy was a very healthy, positive, loving act.

Can I suggest that you too need support and need your own therapist. I could be way off the mark but I read the strong feelings about your marriage in your last post as indicating that you are strongly invested in some aspects of your relationship - the ABDL side and sex. Both are good and the envy of many here. From your past posts these have been a foundation and very important part of your relationship since the beginning. But maybe there is a risk you are defining your relationship too much in terms of these aspects. There is more to your husband. There is more to you.

ABDLs have both a diaper-loving side, which we sometimes recognize as our 'Little', and an adult side. Your relationship with your husband's diaper-loving side is wonderful and loving and sexually exciting. It sounds like you are rightfully very proud and attached to this part of your relationship. Maybe your husband's depression is about your adult to adult relationship. This is kind of the reverse to the issue in the marriages of many ABDLs, but there is no reason why it can't happen the other way around.

In the context of the adult to adult relationship one of your earlier posts mentioned the circumstances in which your husband left his previous relationship and you got together. Sometimes those circumstances have leave their own emotional baggage for both of you.

I hope and pray you and your husband will work this out and build on the strong bonds you already share. It does sound like you have your own issues and both you and your marriage would benefit from you having the support of your own therapist. I apologise if I am way off the mark.

Best regards. Dylan.

 

[MrsZaronab]

MrsZaronab

This sudden change in your loving relationship with your huusband sounds awful for you. It must be incredibly hard on you. Your recommendation to your husband to go to therapy was a very healthy, positive, loving act.

Can I suggest that you too need support and need your own therapist. I could be way off the mark but I read the strong feelings about your marriage in your last post as indicating that you are strongly invested in some aspects of your relationship - the ABDL side and sex. Both are good and the envy of many here. From your past posts these have been a foundation and very important part of your relationship since the beginning. But maybe there is a risk you are defining your relationship too much in terms of these aspects. There is more to your husband. There is more to you.

ABDLs have both a diaper-loving side, which we sometimes recognize as our 'Little', and an adult side. Your relationship with your husband's diaper-loving side is wonderful and loving and sexually exciting. It sounds like you are rightfully very proud and attached to this part of your relationship. Maybe your husband's depression is about your adult to adult relationship. This is kind of the reverse to the issue in the marriages of many ABDLs, but there is no reason why it can't happen the other way around.

In the context of the adult to adult relationship one of your earlier posts mentioned the circumstances in which your husband left his previous relationship and you got together. Sometimes those circumstances have leave their own emotional baggage for both of you.

I hope and pray you and your husband will work this out and build on the strong bonds you already share. It does sound like you have your own issues and both you and your marriage would benefit from you having the support of your own therapist. I apologise if I am way off the mark.

Best regards. Dylan.

I might be sending the worng message about our relationship? This is ABDL site I want to have something relevant to add. I don't want someone to read well you have a messed up relationship but what does this have to do with ABDL? You know? And personally I think abdl is about sex and being loved.

I know that I am needy. My hubby is my world. He dotes on me. He supports me in everything. Even in all my crazy adventures. He alway picks me up when I need picking up. Until now he has been open with his feelings, made me feel that I can be open with him about everything. He puts me first. He makes me feel good about myself. If I am having I bad day he knows what say. He tells me that I'm pretty even when Im not. And I love the way that he makes me feel. He has given me everything. He gives me a purpose. I'm needy. I'm know I am needy. Being with him fills my needs. And now all of a sudden for no reason he is not there for me. For no reason! I feel so out of control!

If you knew him and what he does. You would understand that how smart, funny, and brilliant he is. I feel that I don't have a lot to give him. Except the love and intimacy that most women wouldn't be willing to give. I know he needs it. We share a bond. I need that bond.