I cant see any light at the end...

[MyFaultisKracked]

Admittedly I’m more of a reader than a writer and although I will post something here to the site occasionally, I find I’m more content consuming posts written by others here. I have recently given serious thought to writing a post about something infantilism related that I’m having a hard time dealing with. This post is more of an upsetting vent so I apologize if I end up bumming anyone out. It is certainly not my intention.
At the age of 15 back in the last 80s, I was unfortunately diagnosed as a juvenile diabetic. After all these years, decades later, the diabetes may be mostly ok but my journey toward self-acceptance of my little side has been a never ending disaster. When I turned 40 I came to the realization that I had inflicted so much damage unto myself emotionally and mentally, I decided to get out of my comfort zone and privately seek the help of a professional confidential ear. Those discussions lasted three months and while initially I’d like to think they helped, there is one thing I cant get passed. I have had periods where my head and my emotional state have really taken a beating. Off and on since I was a kid, the inner conflict was horrible, made even worse by no one to talk to. The psychologist I spoke to was great in helping determine that my regressive little side that for me kicked in at age 5 was as a result of serious early childhood trauma and divorced/dysfunctional broken family setting..
Ok so that whole thing makes sense! I can say the explanation I got between my early childhood issues and my desires to be little – in my case – are definitely connected!
The psychologist said something that threw me for a loop though. She asked, "Have you ever given any consideration to the possibility that your infantilism and your juvenile diabetes, specifically your diagnosis and the overall timing of it might have been connected?” I’m sitting there going, “huh?”
She said that juvenile diabetes is an autoimmune disorder and that although 1000’s of people in this country are diagnosed with autoimmune diseases everyday, did I think the issues were related? Her comment was that bio-medical researchers don’t know exactly what causes these immune dysfunction issues but there are a dozen or so suggested triggers. She even printed out the list for me to read. The 5th or 6th possibility was quote, “a pattern of chronic underlying, unresolved stress!”
She said… you have been dealing with this issue since you were little. It was neither discovered nor disclosed, one of the biggest issues with regressive littles is the fear of disclosure or accidental discovery, you and your family were involved with a repressive and very judgmental religious group and you had no one to talk to try and figure out why you were the way you were. At age 15 when your dealing with all the stress of this very personal issue, tada!! Autoimmune disease diagnosis!
That particular session was 8 years ago. I left her office even more depressed than I had been in quite sometime and my depression over that conversation and the multitude of times I’ve allowed my head to carry me to dark places has really scared me. With three months worth of visits, I firmly believe I found the trigger for my “ab" tendencies but I have moments where the despair over knowing my illness will not end well, as it doesn’t for many, was the direct result of my trying to escape into a comfortable fantasy realm where I escaped all the trauma I dealt with when I was little.
I am rambling. I’m suffering a serious an inescapable bout of depression and realize there are many of our fellow citizens out there dealing with real world grownup issues that are causing them stress and I feel guilty and selfish.
How in the holy hell do baby blankets, pacifiers, bottles, stuffed animals, and diapers translate into insulin pumps, insulin shock, bloodsugar issues, lab work, glucose meters, hospital stays and dietary restrictions? I have realized that the unhappiness I’m dealing with now is as a result of profound unhappiness earlier in life. Its cause and effect.
Lastly, this is not intended to inflict pain on you all in any way but there have been comments made with regard to the ab/dl community in comparison to the LGBTQ community. Whilst the world may have come to accept the amazing folks in the LGBTQ community, many here are hoping for and wishing for the same kind of acceptance. I don’t see it. We will never be tolerated, we will never be accepted! My depression says to me that ultimately there may be no place for us in normal society.
I don’t want to be sad and alone anymore. I don’t want to feel cursed.
Profound sadness, despair and paralysing loneliness.

I need candy…

 

[ChocChip]

It’s hard to generalise as to the ABDL ”community”, if such a thing exists, as it’s so different for everyone. Comparisons to LGBT+ tend to get short shrift as it’s seen as nowhere near as fundamental as a sexual orientation or gender identity - however, for some people it is their primary identity, while for others it’s more a hobby, like chess or yoga...

 

[WanderingToddler]

I would like to offer a slightly different interpretation for you to consider. I don't think that your therapist was suing that abdl caused your diabetes, but rather that they both resulted from childhood stressors. They are both children of the same parent.

I am not a medical professional, but I would suggest you do your own research on stress causing or leading to diabetes. I know stress affects diabetes, but sing stress causes diabetes... sounds questionable. Converting from a therapist would read asd confirmation bias to me. They want the mind to be responsible the refore it is. However, researching and learning for yourself may provide an outlet to focus some of your stress on.

For me personally, taking about abdl both in person and online has held me greatly integrate it and find its place in my life for a healthy balance. Please keep participating.

 

[Babyman1224]

I feel your pain Myfault, childhood trauma is unfortunate for all involved. I make it a point to tell my kids how much I love them everyday and try to maintain a stable environment for them. I’m not so sure that your diabetes is from the stress of being abdl. Just my uneducated opinion so take it for what it’s worth. Depression is a struggle for many of us and I know how hard it is trying to find your way through all of it. Keep your chin up and know you are not alone. As far as acceptance as a whole I’m with you. I’m all for flying your freak flag in the comfort of your own home. Nobody needs to know what weird shit someone else is into. That’s the beauty of freedom and privacy rights. I have severe UC that’s forced me to wear for medical reasons but I still don’t tell a soul. It’s nobody’s business as to what I’m wearing for underpants.

 

[avery]

Stress and trauma can definitely give rise to physical illness. It's fair to suggest that your childhood trauma might have been a factor contributing to your diabetes, although I think it would definitely be a stretch to call it the only cause. I agree with WanderingToddler that you should do your own research and consult with a doctor rather than just accepting whatever a psychologist has to say about your physical health. That's not her area of expertise.

Childhood trauma might have been a factor giving rise to your infantilism too. But to leap to the conclusion that infantilism caused your diabetes is silly. It sounds like there was already plenty of stress in your life, so the added stress of getting found out or lack of social acceptance wouldn't have made much difference. On balance, regression may have helped you cope with stress above and beyond any additional stress it caused. Even if it's true that anxiety played a small part in giving rise to your diabetes, it's nonsense to place all the blame for that on your AB interests.

One way or another, there's a much bigger issue that you're missing here. The fact that you experienced trauma as a child was NOT YOUR FAULT! And the fact that you developed an interest in regression was not a conscious decision. It's illogical to blame yourself for things that are outside of your control.

I agree with you that infantilism will probably never see the kind of widespread acceptance that the LGBTQ community has acheived. I'm not even sure I would want it to -- would you really want to be "out and proud" about something like this? However, that doesn't mean we can't each achieve self-acceptance and make peace with our own ABDL interests. Everyone has things that they keep private, after all, but just because something is private doesn't mean you have to be ashamed of it.

 

[egor]

I can empathize with what you have posted and I agree with the helping post above this one.

Speaking as someone that has had depression since I can remember all the way back to when I was three and being told such helpful things like,"whats wrong with you", "Just pull yourself up by your boot straps" and "Do you want people to think you are crazy", So now you have depression, Self doubt, and shame. Then you go on a deeper depression because you have anxiety over being depressed and the shame and self doubt, that leads to the anxiety over the anxiety and on and on and .........

I have been in counseling since my first suicide bout in 2000 and it takes more then 3 months. Do not be afraid to look for a different counselor. You don't want a "yes man", but you do want some one that will help you look at things more positive or tell you you are full of shit.

A good councilor will give you multiple coping mechanism or skills to work your self out of the dark places and help you see the traps and triggers to those places.

As technology catches up with medical practice there is more and more better ways to help your body to auto correct itself into a better state, i.e. Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS). This is the "new" procedure that helps me out so much. Its not electroshock therapy, but it works on a similar idea. It targets a point in the temporal lobe that controls the emotions. As we get older it slowly shouts down. What TMS does is it stimulates this region back to active levels, Its like a fountain of youth.

So this is just suggestion, but the bottom line is try therapy again.

Best wishes

Egor

 

[Sapphyre]

I'm in an interesting place in my life right now. I've been through depression inclusive of multiple suicide attempts, and it was quite protracted. I'm coming to the tail end of it now... I can see the light at the end of the tunnel for the first time in more than a decade. And if nothing goes too horribly wrong, I can reach it.

I've been reflecting quite often on the contrasts in my perspective as things have slowly gotten brighter, and I feel like I should be able to add something to what others have already said.

I think one of the overarching changes has been gradual self-acceptance in general, not just of ABDL. Self-acceptance has always been difficult for me, owing to general lack of support by parents and peers during childhood. What I find is that, by surrounding myself with people who respect and appreciate me, I'm able to build enough self-confidence to see society's attitudes as a reflection on them rather than myself. Someone who directs hate and scorn toward others for being ABDL (or furry, or LGBTQ, or autistic, or any other harmless difference) has the inclination to hate and finds excuses to act that out. It says much about them, not me. While I hope for a more accepting and welcoming society... so long as it collectively regards me as unacceptable for such things, the feeling is quite mutual. I prefer not to associate with people who seek excuses to hate.

I think I've come to see my DL tendencies as less of a curse and more a kind of litmus test. Does that make sense?

In summary, if I've any advice to add to others', it is to surround yourself with people who lift you up. It makes self-respect achievable, and that in turn makes it easy to tune out the noise from small-minded detractors.

 

[furry121]

Admittedly I’m more of a reader than a writer and although I will post something here to the site occasionally, I find I’m more content consuming posts written by others here. I have recently given serious thought to writing a post about something infantilism related that I’m having a hard time dealing with. This post is more of an upsetting vent so I apologize if I end up bumming anyone out. It is certainly not my intention.
At the age of 15 back in the last 80s, I was unfortunately diagnosed as a juvenile diabetic. After all these years, decades later, the diabetes may be mostly ok but my journey toward self-acceptance of my little side has been a never ending disaster. When I turned 40 I came to the realization that I had inflicted so much damage unto myself emotionally and mentally, I decided to get out of my comfort zone and privately seek the help of a professional confidential ear. Those discussions lasted three months and while initially I’d like to think they helped, there is one thing I cant get passed. I have had periods where my head and my emotional state have really taken a beating. Off and on since I was a kid, the inner conflict was horrible, made even worse by no one to talk to. The psychologist I spoke to was great in helping determine that my regressive little side that for me kicked in at age 5 was as a result of serious early childhood trauma and divorced/dysfunctional broken family setting..
Ok so that whole thing makes sense! I can say the explanation I got between my early childhood issues and my desires to be little – in my case – are definitely connected!
The psychologist said something that threw me for a loop though. She asked, "Have you ever given any consideration to the possibility that your infantilism and your juvenile diabetes, specifically your diagnosis and the overall timing of it might have been connected?” I’m sitting there going, “huh?”
She said that juvenile diabetes is an autoimmune disorder and that although 1000’s of people in this country are diagnosed with autoimmune diseases everyday, did I think the issues were related? Her comment was that bio-medical researchers don’t know exactly what causes these immune dysfunction issues but there are a dozen or so suggested triggers. She even printed out the list for me to read. The 5th or 6th possibility was quote, “a pattern of chronic underlying, unresolved stress!”
She said… you have been dealing with this issue since you were little. It was neither discovered nor disclosed, one of the biggest issues with regressive littles is the fear of disclosure or accidental discovery, you and your family were involved with a repressive and very judgmental religious group and you had no one to talk to try and figure out why you were the way you were. At age 15 when your dealing with all the stress of this very personal issue, tada!! Autoimmune disease diagnosis!
That particular session was 8 years ago. I left her office even more depressed than I had been in quite sometime and my depression over that conversation and the multitude of times I’ve allowed my head to carry me to dark places has really scared me. With three months worth of visits, I firmly believe I found the trigger for my “ab" tendencies but I have moments where the despair over knowing my illness will not end well, as it doesn’t for many, was the direct result of my trying to escape into a comfortable fantasy realm where I escaped all the trauma I dealt with when I was little.
I am rambling. I’m suffering a serious an inescapable bout of depression and realize there are many of our fellow citizens out there dealing with real world grownup issues that are causing them stress and I feel guilty and selfish.
How in the holy hell do baby blankets, pacifiers, bottles, stuffed animals, and diapers translate into insulin pumps, insulin shock, bloodsugar issues, lab work, glucose meters, hospital stays and dietary restrictions? I have realized that the unhappiness I’m dealing with now is as a result of profound unhappiness earlier in life. Its cause and effect.
Lastly, this is not intended to inflict pain on you all in any way but there have been comments made with regard to the ab/dl community in comparison to the LGBTQ community. Whilst the world may have come to accept the amazing folks in the LGBTQ community, many here are hoping for and wishing for the same kind of acceptance. I don’t see it. We will never be tolerated, we will never be accepted! My depression says to me that ultimately there may be no place for us in normal society.
I don’t want to be sad and alone anymore. I don’t want to feel cursed.
Profound sadness, despair and paralysing loneliness.

I need candy…

I feel this ... also sleep apnea feels like im dying idk big sigh