Binge and purge?

[Vanilla31]

Hi there!
My husband is a Abdl. I personally am not into it, but I understand that it is a good thing for him.. he has his own room where he can partake and do little things. Unfortunately I’m just not comfortable for that to be going on around me. But he can have his time to do that.. he also made a abdl Instagram so he could look at things related to that, he told me it gave him more confidence and seeing other abdls was a good thing.. I had access to it so I could see what he was into, I want to normalize for me and ask questions about it (what about those pics he likes? Does he want those etc)

I’m really just trying to be a good wife to him. He told me about this.. or I woke up to him in a diaper about 6 months ago.. it has been a very hard journey for both of us but I’m really trying to be open minded..

so for my actual question.. the other day he deleted his Instagram account.. and said he didn’t want to look at it anymore.. and I asked if this was part of the binge/ purge cycle? He said he didn’t know.. but it seems like it is.. I don’t think that’s necessarily healthy for him. We both know he isn’t just gonna stop being abdl. That’s who he is. Me being the paranoid being I am .. I just want him to hide anything from me. We should be open about this.. even if I’m not into it.
Do you think I’m the underlying reason he is trying to purge?
do you think that is what he is doing (binge-purge)?
Any ideas to help?

I want to sit down and talk with him about this but is it even my business? Idk I just need help please

 

[Trevor]

If I had to guess, I'd say it's likely some kind of purge but there are also legitimate reasons one might want to delete an Instagram or other social media. I think the best you can do is just talk with him and assure him that there's nothing wrong with this and it doesn't make you love him any less. That you're more tolerant of it than enthusiastic might undermine your assurances somewhat but that's something you have to work out between you. It can be hard going sometimes, even with a partner that enjoys it. It's very easy to talk ourselves into believing that the other person really isn't that into it or isn't that into it with us for a multitude of reasons. He may have talked himself into thinking he has abused your good graces and that giving this up (which doesn't work) would be the mature and loving thing to do.

He may not need his Instagram but I think being able to put this into a normal social context by talking with other ABDLs is critical for positive acceptance.

 

[littlemoosey]

Even though you have given him space and "tacit" approval, the fact that he has to or "feels like he has to" be doing this in the background is not helping him.

You sound like you do not want to participate with him at all, that is natural for some... but if he still feels like you make him feel "freakish" even though that is not your intent... that is how he feels. It bothers him that you don't respect him and possibly he is trying to give it up to win your approval back.

Anyone here will tell you, it will be an uphill battle for him, and he will get very frustrated even down on himself.

All of us on here have tried to understand this, its origins for us. It is difficult and we all have gone through the cycles. It really is not until we just accept that "it is what it is" that we are more at ease and even happy. I did not truly accept this side of me until after I told my wife. I had kept it from her for 30 years. I was lucky though, she accepted me whole heartedly, I do not have to hide and she will take care of me. She is wonderful. I am not 24/7 although it is part of my life and we have a great mommy/ little relationship as well as a husband and wife relationship. Knowing that I have that kind of "unconditional love" just made everything better for us.

I think it is good you want to talk to him, but if it is to tell him is "ok" but to keep you out of it and away from you... you will not do him much good.

 

[Eclectic]

You sound a like a very understanding and open partner. Communication is the key. A lot of us who are ABDLs at various levels have a hard time accepting this about ourselves, much less expecting acceptance from a significant other that we care deeply about.

 

[Vanilla31]

I’m trying to be as okay as I can with it.. I want him to be happy and I wish it didn’t change things with us, but unfortunately I’m not as comfortable with this as some wives or partners are. It has changed part of my perspective of him, it’s hard to be sexual with him. I don’t find diapers or baby things sexual and not knowing when he is in his little space or wearing diapers I kind of can’t get that out of my head.. I also can’t just force myself to be turned on.. It’s been a really hard time for both of us.. but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do? I can’t just make myself comfortable with something I’m not comfy with. Just like he won’t stop being abdl. He is what he is. But the whole binge/ purge sounds unhealthy for him how do I help him with that?

 

[Vanilla31]

Even though you have given him space and "tacit" approval, the fact that he has to or "feels like he has to" be doing this in the background is not helping him.

You sound like you do not want to participate with him at all, that is natural for some... but if he still feels like you make him feel "freakish" even though that is not your intent... that is how he feels. It bothers him that you don't respect him and possibly he is trying to give it up to win your approval back.

Anyone here will tell you, it will be an uphill battle for him, and he will get very frustrated even down on himself.

All of us on here have tried to understand this, its origins for us. It is difficult and we all have gone through the cycles. It really is not until we just accept that "it is what it is" that we are more at ease and even happy. I did not truly accept this side of me until after I told my wife. I had kept it from her for 30 years. I was lucky though, she accepted me whole heartedly, I do not have to hide and she will take care of me. She is wonderful. I am not 24/7 although it is part of my life and we have a great mommy/ little relationship as well as a husband and wife relationship. Knowing that I have that kind of "unconditional love" just made everything better for us.

I think it is good you want to talk to him, but if it is to tell him is "ok" but to keep you out of it and away from you... you will not do him much good.

I do respect him. If that’s what he wants and needs he should have it and do it. But I don’t think I need to be involved in something that makes me completely uncomfortable.

I love him so much but I’m not his mommy. And he has even said he didn’t need or want a mommy.

 

[Janvier]

I’m trying to be as okay as I can with it.. I want him to be happy and I wish it didn’t change things with us, but unfortunately I’m not as comfortable with this as some wives or partners are. It has changed part of my perspective of him, it’s hard to be sexual with him. I don’t find diapers or baby things sexual and not knowing when he is in his little space or wearing diapers I kind of can’t get that out of my head.. I also can’t just force myself to be turned on.. It’s been a really hard time for both of us.. but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do? I can’t just make myself comfortable with something I’m not comfy with. Just like he won’t stop being abdl. He is what he is. But the whole binge/ purge sounds unhealthy for him how do I help him with that?

I think you are overthinking about little space. It isn’t as big a deal as it sounds, he isn’t a literal child. I mean, I obviously don’t know him, but If you two are being intimate, I doubt he is randomly in little space. You kind of have to voluntarily go there, at least in my experience. And to get into that headspace, you usually have need objects or scenarios to help it along. He probably isn’t going to be acting babyish when wearing adult clothes / no diapers / etc. while doing adult stuff. Hell, for me, I have a lot of trouble getting there unless I am alone.

Also, It comes and goes for me. I have had periods of months to several years where I had zero interest in any of this.

As for the rest of the stuff... I understand how it can change your attraction to him and that is going to be difficult. He is still the same guy you started the relationship with though. Probably doesn’t help you much, but hopefully you consider it.

And I should probably stop commenting, because I am probably not being very helpful.

 

[dogboy]

I applaud you for finding this site, seeking advice and supporting him as much as you can. He might want to explore this site as well because we are a support site first. He might find some balance as well and some level of self acceptance by reading some of the threads (articles) found on this site.

I also told my wife only many years after we were married. She was very accepting and bought me things like onsies and plushies, but she also had no desire to participate. She needed to be assured that I was still the man she fell in love with and married and I did that. I should add that she died two years ago and I deeply miss her. Obviously, we have a limited time to live our lives so we should try to find the most meaning from it as well as happiness.

I think you and your husband need to communicate as to what you expect out of this. You can assure him that it's okay for him to express himself when he needs to but that you also need the man you married. I found that it was simple and easy to put those two plains together.

 

[RedPandaDL]

I am not an AB and only been DL for about 6 months. I am 44 and married with three kids. I say this, so you know my perspective is such that I can’t speak from your husband’s perspective.

I will say that you are more understanding than my wife with me just being a DL, so you shouldn’t feel bad. You need to be happy as well as your husband.

My thoughts are that you definitely need to communicate to understand how each of you are effected. It may be good to establish some ground rules. Like dogboy said, it might help to clearly delineate his little time from his man time. Maybe keeping his little time to when he is in his little room and returning to adult man when he comes out. If he likes to wear diapers to bed sometimes, maybe either set specific nights to wear or not wear. Or he could let you know when he plans to wear outside his little room. Obviously these are just possible scenarios, but you both need to work out what is best for your relationship.

Other consideration is if he wears outside of his little room, does he see himself as little, or is that just being an adult DL.

As an example, I wear to bed about four nights per week. My wife says nothing, but just ignores it. We typically make love on Saturday mornings, so I never wear to bed on Friday night. I assume she would find the diaper as a real turn off. She doesn’t talk about diapers at all, but it hasn’t really changed our relationship either. It is my thing and she just ignores it (and doesn’t really like it).

Your husband is lucky that you are supportive, even if you don’t participate. Sounds like the key is establishing clearly defined adult time where he is your man. And continue to be supportive of his little time. Maybe buy him a ‘little’ gift so he knows you want him to be happy.

 

[littlemoosey]

Unfortunately I’m just not comfortable for that to be going on around me.

That is OK.... you did not know about it before hand, and have only learned about this after the fact. You are in the majority of wives/SO/GF's.

Me being the paranoid being I am .. I just want him to hide anything from me.

So here is where you are giving him the confusing "vibe". On the one hand you say you want to talk and help him, on the other hand you do not want to know that this exists. You are sending him mixed signals. It is no wonder he may be confused and trying to purge.

I did not say "you did not respect him". However, by the way you act or treat this side of him he may "feel" that because of this he has lost your respect. And that is why he may be trying to push this side of himself away. AB/DL even under the best of conditions causes the "DL/little" to have questions, self-doubt. Even in my case where my wife was completely accepting... at times I still ask myself "what is going on? Why me?" So it would be reasonable for your husband to have allot of self loathing, allot of doubt, allot of questions if you are treating this as if he is a leper.

We should be open about this.. even if I’m not into it.

Is that a question or a statement?

Do you think I’m the underlying reason he is trying to purge?

Yes and No. I have total acceptance and at times, I even want to walk away. However, my wife knows me this way now and she knows over time it would affect me. So she just prefers me balanced. Sometimes I will go days without wearing, and then at other times I will wear for days and sometimes my wife is the complete catalyst for why I wear. She just senses it and takes over. My wife tells me that she likes this "side" of me, it is a side she never knew I had. Even when I have discussed giving this up... she does not want me to do it, she just wants me to stay balanced.


do you think that is what he is doing (binge-purge)?

Any ideas to help?

You do not have to participate if you are not comfortable, that is OK. But what he wants most is your acceptance, and telling him to keep it all hidden away, and I just don't want to see you like this... is not acceptance. You are signaling him that you are ashamed of him; trust me he has lived with self-shame all his life...don't add to it. Reverse the scenario, it could be anything that you are involved in. If your husband told you that HE did not want to see it, to keep it all hidden away; would you feel very accepted? Would you feel approved of?

I want to sit down and talk with him about this but is it even my business? Idk I just need help please

You came to us, we have all been there to one extreme or the other, we ARE trying to help you. This will take allot of thought, allot of communication and allot of compromise. There is so much you can learn on this site alone from those that have gone through this as individuals and as couples. It will not happen over night. Just know this, you have not lost your man, he is still the same man that you married. You just know about a softer more vulnerable side of him. Can you imagine the courage that it took for him to show you this side of him. And he choose you to tell, no one else, that is how much trust and faith he has in you.

You sound like you really want to help... he has not done anything immoral or illegal, however he arrived at it, this is just his coping mechanism. Some men choose drugs, alcohol, pornography or prostitution. By comparison, this should be pretty easy to work through if you make him feel accepted and talk.

 

[TheMat]

Binge/purge usually refers to getting rid of all the paraphernalia (diapers, ab stuff) after feeling too much shame and being unable to reconcile our desires. I wouldn't be too worried about him giving up Instagram. It's hard to find good accounts to follow that post milder ab/dl content that I would like just for that same connection to others like me. However much your husband is into this, there are people that take it to a whole other extreme and maybe he just got tired of seeing all that.

Before I go on I'll tell you a little about me. I am a DL married for 4 years with one child. It's been an up and down journey but she is trying to be accepting too. She's even put a diaper on me a couple times now.

I'm keenly aware of her attitude about it though and can tell sometimes she's not really into it and that is a tough feeling because we've agreed these desires of mine aren't going anywhere and when she is accepting/participating, there is no greater feeling of "everything is right in the world" and in turn I'm able to take care of her vanilla needs in bed better too. But the downsides can be crushing and reintroduce the feelings of shame and self loathing that this is even something I have to deal with.

One thing that has helped my wife and I was listening to some podcasts together. Checkout Love in Brief and maybe Dream a Little.

One last thought, as far as being turned off, try not to focus on the diapers and instead try to focus on how happy it makes him and how much your acceptance does for him. I promise if he feels your acceptance, you will feel it back 10 fold.

 

[littlemoosey]

One last thought, as far as being turned off, try not to focus on the diapers and instead try to focus on how happy it makes him and how much your acceptance does for him. I promise if he feels your acceptance, you will feel it back 10 fold.

Perfectly stated, for years growing up I was drawn to wearing diapers on my own, alone, lonely with the thought that I had to be the most bizarre person on the face of the earth... that no one could possibly understand. Back then, I had no clue as to why... it just was.

When I finally told my wife, her care, her acceptance made all the difference in the world. I was able to unburden myself, I was not judged and she makes me feel like the most loved man in the world. I am truly blessed and I wish others could find this solace.