You are grieving. I think I see a bit more of the full picture now. You believe your sexual self to be too great a burden because someone once dear to you told you so, through their actions and/or words. It has strengthen your resolve against yourself, your belief that God wants you to sacrifice this part of yourself. Is that accurate?
But you know as well as I do that it will cost you a piece of your humanity. And I ask -- how could God want that? He asks us to be more than ourselves, to aspire to be like him, kind person, that is true. But that does not mean every strange part of ourselves must be scraped out. That does not mean a brown feather on a pair of white wings makes that bird any less beautiful. It doesn't mean it must be plucked out for the sake of "purity", even if that bird can now no longer fly.
An old name for freckles used to be "angel kisses," you know.
Will you not keep what God has given you so that you may have something human, something another person is able to self-sacrifice for, as you will also give freely to them? What if the sin is denying this gift, kind person -- denying that you are human, you are unique, you are beautiful just the way you are?
You believe your sexual self is sin. That your fetish is sin. Can we do a brief thought exercise? Remember it is Satan, not God, who wants us to deny opportunities to think outside of the box, even if we later disagree with what we come up with. God asks us to challenge everything -- leave no stone unturned.
Imagine, for a moment, your ABDL desires are not degeneracy. That suggestion alone likely rouses some deep anxiety within you. But please, keep going. Now, imagine that God doesn't find it sinful, but rather, finds everything you desire permissible. Again, I'm not asking you to agree with anything; just imagine, as writers do. How does that new reality, where all of these things are now not only possible but honored, make you feel? Imagine living a life where you can both honor God, and yet experience this part of yourself. Imagine finding a woman who is Christian and has complementary desires, or a woman who has her own set of unique desires that -- while somewhat strenuous for you fulfil -- you gift her the same way she gifts you. And your love grows, and that "strenuousness" fades into affection. And the love you feel between each other is made stronger and easier, and your love ultimately honors God.
Now imagine living this life all the way through. When you get to the end of your lifetime, do you feel fulfilled, or empty? And as for you right now, in the present -- do you feel anxious, joyful, or a mixture of both? Or do you feel some other kind of way?
In terms of "defiling the marriage bed," the Bible mostly focuses on the idea of saving certain sacred acts for certain times. It's doing those acts outside of certain bonds/ covenants that desecrates their sacredness. But if you are still worried you would be "defiling the marriage bed" by experiencing your ABDL desires...
Would you like to read that essay I made? I feel like it would be more helpful than what I can provide here in a forum response. I dive into all of the issues above -- fetishes, faith, marriage, and so on. The psychology, theology, and facts. I think it all reads pretty sound. I think you'd like it. I know you'd at least find it interesting. Just let me know.
being all kinds of wise over there. Well said.