kashi
Est. Contributor
- Messages
- 103
- Role
- Adult Baby
- Diaper Lover
- Little
Writing this is a struggle finally admitting this to myself has been hard and now I feel really incredibly lost and I due to anxiety I feel like I can't talk to any of the people in my life who know about my little side because I feel as if I turn to them for help to often and I'm just not feeling up to it. I guess my hope is maybe I can find some help from you guys hopefully! So before I ask my question I guess I need to give some major background and part of that struggle is keeping it concise. So my last relationship romantically was about two years ago and to be honest I think it's taken me all this time to fully recover from it, but I'm not walking away without scars. The reason I realize this is because very recently like two days ago someone agreed to be my mommy. She's honestly a wonderful person and we have a lot in common, but she is also in a romantic relationship with another person and so her being my mommy is basically no-romantic. I guess the problem I'm reaching is two fold firstly I'm afraid I've realized to truly open myself again and pursue a true relationship because I'm afraid to be hurt again. The second problem requires a bit more background.
I am afraid of taking the risk of going into the relationship partly because of fear on the part of the other party but also fear on my part. See here's the problem I have since I was young broken down my mind to three parts because it's just how I understood myself. One part is my passion,anger,bitterness and hatred. It's also the part of me that does not want to be hurt and would rather just be alone because then no one could ever hurt me. If I just kept everyone as friends then things wouldn't have to get complicated. The other part is my social face it's friendly considerate and cares a lot about keeping relationships and keepiing things balanced and centered and lastly there is my little. My little is friendly out going and bold he is unafraid and open to the world and yet he's the most vulnerable part of me the part I protect the part I don't really show the world because every other part of me is afraid of rejection. My little is the only part of the three that sort of has his own identity like it's something I can manifest and express exclusively, but ultimately all three parts make who I am. They make me, me.
So I guess here is my main concern about having a mommy who I am very fond of and one who I guess is fond of me. I'm just not sure I trust myself with non-platonic relationships of any sort which I feel a CG/L relationship is non-platonic. I'm afraid of developing feelings for her beyond my little like me as a person. I'm afraid of this because I'm not just a little haha I'm a whole person with feelings and everything and even if I can manifest my little at times ultimately it's just another part of the whole picture of me. I'm afraid of actually like liking her and having these feelings get out of hand. I respect her and I know she's in a relationship so I'd rather not have those kinds of feelings, but I'm still nervous that they'll develop and this kinda just makes me reluctant to accept her offer of being my mommy. I really freaking want to, but I'm not sure I can because I'm afraid of my own emotions of my own heart of my own feelings.
I guess I'm just really seeking advice or perspective. I mean should I just go for it and try to learn as much as I can? I get the feeling I should just go for it and if I fail well then hell at least I can hopefully learn from the experience right? Isn't that what life is about?
I am afraid of taking the risk of going into the relationship partly because of fear on the part of the other party but also fear on my part. See here's the problem I have since I was young broken down my mind to three parts because it's just how I understood myself. One part is my passion,anger,bitterness and hatred. It's also the part of me that does not want to be hurt and would rather just be alone because then no one could ever hurt me. If I just kept everyone as friends then things wouldn't have to get complicated. The other part is my social face it's friendly considerate and cares a lot about keeping relationships and keepiing things balanced and centered and lastly there is my little. My little is friendly out going and bold he is unafraid and open to the world and yet he's the most vulnerable part of me the part I protect the part I don't really show the world because every other part of me is afraid of rejection. My little is the only part of the three that sort of has his own identity like it's something I can manifest and express exclusively, but ultimately all three parts make who I am. They make me, me.
So I guess here is my main concern about having a mommy who I am very fond of and one who I guess is fond of me. I'm just not sure I trust myself with non-platonic relationships of any sort which I feel a CG/L relationship is non-platonic. I'm afraid of developing feelings for her beyond my little like me as a person. I'm afraid of this because I'm not just a little haha I'm a whole person with feelings and everything and even if I can manifest my little at times ultimately it's just another part of the whole picture of me. I'm afraid of actually like liking her and having these feelings get out of hand. I respect her and I know she's in a relationship so I'd rather not have those kinds of feelings, but I'm still nervous that they'll develop and this kinda just makes me reluctant to accept her offer of being my mommy. I really freaking want to, but I'm not sure I can because I'm afraid of my own emotions of my own heart of my own feelings.
I guess I'm just really seeking advice or perspective. I mean should I just go for it and try to learn as much as I can? I get the feeling I should just go for it and if I fail well then hell at least I can hopefully learn from the experience right? Isn't that what life is about?