AngelKitten said:
"Tabula Rasa," first off, that's a very intelligent and interesting user name. As you probably know, "Tabula Rasa" is Latin, and basically means "blank slate." Within the context of your name, my general idea is that because you are a "blank slate," you are open to fresh, new ideas, and new things. I think that is fundamentally the best attitude and best frame of mind to be in, especially for people like us who may still cling to the "old ways," that we can be "cured" of our AB/DL/Littles side of our personalities. You are so right on when you discuss the need to have a therapist to talk to who is aware of our community, or failing that, is open to the idea of it, without shaming you or putting you in fear censure or reprisal.
I am an older Little, I am incontinent due to diabetic neuropathy, and I am also gay. Those are at least three different major reasons that I could, and have been, publicly shamed, and been made to feel less than the capable, intelligent, and self-sufficient human being that I know I am inside. Last year, I quite literally had my workplace at church (I am an organist) tell me that I would be "hired faster" if I literally e-mailed them and explained to the church Board of Directors why I decided to write a post about incontinence on my Facebook page, and post a picture of myself in a diaper and a t-shirt !!! If that wasn't shaming, I don't know what was. Presently, I have a pending complaint against this church that they discriminated against, and harassed me, with the Massachusetts Commission Against Discrimination.
So, you are absolutely right, OP, as well as the others that replied to you here. We cannot be "cured" of something that cannot be cured. I am a Little, and I am PROUD of it! I am a completely normal person in every way. I am Little largely because of having been subjected to multi-spectrum abuse as a child, however, for some of us, we are AB/DL/Little simply because we think that way, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Our community needs as much acceptance and to be embraced, as the GLBT community does.
So, I just want to say "thank you," TR, for your inciteful post. Also, welcome to the ADISC forums. I look forward to many more interesting and thoughtful posts from you. Good job! You got a rep point from me! Take care, and be safe.
Hello Angel Kitten,
First, thank you for the compliments on the name. I am an academic and a scientist, so I tend to gravitate towards these kinds of names. It is pretty much as you summarized. I would add that I am entering a new phase of my life and I'm starting again, but this time as the real me. So, I'm a "blank slate" on which I will now write my true, new, full life.
I am terribly sad and upset for you, that you've had to be humiliated and shamed. No one being their true self should have to endure that, but I realize the real world is not often kind to those brave enough to be themselves. I have not experienced anything even remotely like what you have described, so I would be lying if I told you I understood. How could I? Thank you for sharing and I hope for you that there are better days ahead and that you find the love and support you deserve.
Again, thank you for your kind words and compliments on my post. Everyone has made me feel very welcome here, and that is huge.
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KimbaWolfNagihiko said:
To be fair, when you were around my age the Internet was not quite what it is today, where one can find a group for any interest simply by whipping out a cell phone!
But I refer to my need to be babied as ''festering'' because it is unmet. My emotional issues are like a big open wound. A caregiver's love and attention are the stitches that could heal it. But all I have are Band-Aids - diapers, binkies, bottles, and the like I can use by myself.
Hi there. Yes, to be fair there was no internet for me in high school and a primitive one at that while I was an undergrad. But I meant what I said - you are braver than I was at the same age. Even if I had had the internet as it is now, when I was in my teens and 20s I was far too afraid to even look for anything. When the internet became more of a thing toward the end of my 20s in grad school (I am scientist), I worked up the courage to begin looking for ABDL things online, but I was ashamed and lurked for almost another decade before becoming more accepting and active. So, the fact that you are on here and putting this part of you out there is indeed a big deal.
I wish the best for you - it may take awhile to find someone compatible with your needs, but that may be preferable to settling for something else because you don't feel worthy. Trust me on this one - take the time to find someone who understands this part of you.
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Drifter said:
I followed a similar route in my life. My ex knew about my kinky desires before we were married but the diaper thing was still the major factor in our divorce 40 years later.
I have a tendency to over-analyze things so, for me, finding the reason for these strange desires became kind of a hobby. And I did find a pretty solid theory. ABDL desires are almost certainly an imprinted characteristic which is why they tend to be strong, permanent, and not subject to a 'cure'. The environment plays a part in imprinting but not in the psychological way most people might assume it works. Psychological problems generally have psychological cures, but imprinted characteristics aren't psychological in origin.
You're right that this understanding won't make your needs, or social problems, go away. But for some a little insight might make acceptance a little easier.
I'm sorry to hear you've been through the pain of a divorce. I'm in the midst of mine right now (we're separated and divorce is pending) and it has certainly been one of the most emotionally challenging experiences of my life. But for me, I also felt freed and able to finally be me. I won't go into the details here, largely because they are not related to ABDL (though there was also some tension there), but I chose to end things because the only way we were going to continue was if I became less of who I am, and I couldn't do that anymore. But I have no idea what it was like for you. I wish the best for you there and I hope you are able to or have found happiness, especially happiness in being who you truly are.
I can understand the desire to "over-analyze things," as you say. I find your theory about imprinting intriguing. For me, my AB/little buttons are pushed by nurturing, gentle love and doting, for lack of a better explanation. I am the oldest of a large family, and sometimes I've wondered if being potty trained early and surrounded by babies for about 12 years straight might have had some impact on me. I don't know. What I do know is that the gentle love and nurturing I need to truly thrive was missing from my marriage, especially towards the end.
I agree with you that for some people, any kind of insight helps with acceptance. For me, my acceptance came when I stopped trying to figure out what was "wrong" with me and realized I just need to love me, all of me.
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Starrunner said:
As far as being gay goes, conversion therapy was recently banned in my province, which is located in Canada. I was looking for that kind of help, but didn't realize how harmful it would have been. It's the same with a diaper fetish or being little, I guess. These are feelings that don't go away no matter how hard we try to wish them out of existence. Also, as an older member, I went through all of this without the support of the internet and truly believed that I was the only one in the world with this freak fetish. That's how I felt. Knowing that my father had done this to me didn't change how it isolated me and prevented me from establishing close relationships.
When I first joined this site, my assumption was that there was a commonality of abuse just like mine. I was surprised to discover that it certainly wasn't always the case. A lot of us here have been damaged, but there's a huge segment that have no idea what caused it. There's a dozen different theories, and, it's okay to be curious, but knowing the reason doesn't change how it is a part of our lives. Self-acceptance is the most important thing,,regardless of the cause. If we focus on the past or relive past abuses, we simply lose the here and now. Life is too short for that.
Hello Starrunner,
I can certainly relate to your going through at least the ABDL part of this without the internet. I feel you on that one. Like you, I thought I was the only one in the world. When in my late 20s I finally got on the internet and began to find ABDL, I was so overwhelmed (there are others like me!) that for a few days it felt like I was floating and having an out-of-body experience. But that was always followed rapidly by deep shame and disgust at myself.
Your experiences with your father are so beyond anything I know, so I have no idea what that must have been like but I imagine it couldn't have been easy.
I agree with you - self-acceptance is key and life is too short to not live for the here and now.
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PaddedDeist said:
That is great advice. The only thing I'd add is one of my usual mantras--you must also find a therapist that you can trust and be comfortable with. The wrong therapist or someone you do not feel comfortable with won't help you one bit--If you don't feel safe enough to discuss things with your therapist then you won't get anywhere. This does not mean that you won't get uncomfortable as you delve into some issues. That's a problem with the subject matter and stirred up memories--if you are comfortable with the person who is your therapist than it is much easier to open up and opening up can be terrifying.
When I started this round of therapy, I had a wonderful therapist. Over the phone she sounded like Dr. Ruth Westheimer and I was somewhat surprised to find that she was Hispanic and not a small Jewish lady. She was cool as hell but she was not qualified to deal with with some of my deep issues and I had to move on. In a way, this is similar to your problem in that you were dealing with people who didn't have the right training to work with your ABDL issues. Until you were able to find one who was certainly qualified to help you start to work things out and accept that being ABDL is not abnormal, you were being harmed more than helped. Perhaps the earlier therapists should have recognized that fact and directed you to someone more qualified--my first therapist did and while I was sad to have to move on, I knew she did the right thing.
Hi Padded Deist,
First, thank you! Before saying more about that, quick question ... when you say Deist, do I interpret that to mean you believe God created the universe but has allowed nature to take it's course? I'm a scientist so these things are always very interesting to me. I hope you don't mind me asking.
Agreed - the wrong therapist can do significant harm. Comfort with the person is essential because you're going to reveal a bunch of things to this person that are uncomfortable, and that would be very difficult to do with someone you felt was judgmental. I have to say, when I first went to my kink therapist, I still thought they would give me pointers on "curing" myself. When you read about ABDL online, a lot of the sources still treat it like a disease, even calling it things like Infantilism or Adult Baby Syndrome. Gee, why do we all feel so terrible about our "damaged" selves? And I made the mistake of reading John Money's stuff, which was just like throwing gasoline on the shame fire. So again, my surprise was not only that I was told I was okay, but that I should accept this part of who I am rather than fight or control it. The previous therapists certainly did not help! I think the one thought of me as her science project - she was just morbidly curious and wanted details but couldn't really provide me with any real goals or ways to move forward. She even told me, "Oh, we read about people like you when I was school." That was not very helpful to hear. I can laugh about it now, though. Yes, imagine that - there are all sorts of different people who meet their emotional and sexual needs in different ways. Given the complexities of the human mind, who would have guessed? LOL
Thank you for sharing your experiences. Everyone here has been so welcoming. I know I'm probably sounding like a broken record, but it's true. Thank you.
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Slomo said:
ANY therapist worth their own training should be able to help an abdl in today's age. Even if they have no idea what abdl is, 30 minutes of us explaining it to *and open minded person* is more than enough for them to help further guide us on the basisics of right, wrong, and overcoming fear. And therapists are specifically trained to be open minded.
Now are all theraoists well trained and open minded. Obviously not. Just one session with someone like that is all it takes to figure out you need not go back to them.
Hi Slomo,
Agreed - you would think any qualified therapist would be equipped to handle this. However, I think it can be helpful to seek out therapists with specific, specialized training in sex and kink therapy. Just like you'd want to go to a neurosurgeon if you required brain surgery rather than a cardiologist. Both are well-trained, but they are each better at handing different sorts of problems. Not that I view my AB/little side as a problem anymore, but having someone who gets this and has experience focused on this sort of thing can be very valuable.