New Here. So...here goes.

Greeting, I am Vesra. My name is James, but I never seem to go by it, and none seem to call me it. I am 22 and live in Louisiana in the United States. I have reached a certain point in life where I am beginning to reflect on myself and my position in life, and in my search for understanding and happiness I have been lead head among other places. I will try to keep this professional, and please note that social interaction has never been my strong suit.


1: I am a Correctional Officer, for those who do not know that means I work in Correctional Center or Prison for common tongue. It is not my first choice, but it is among the only jobs in the area I live. It presents its challenges and plenty of stress as well as a danger every time I put my uniform on.

2: I once was a femboi crossdressing wide-eyed happy go lucky thing, prancing around doing what I liked without a care in the world for who cared, and it brought me much happiness, but much judgment.

2: A major event in my life completely turned my perspective around and as I like to put it, "Gave me the eyes of a machine, and the heart of one." Ever since this event I have burred all personal desires and all curiosity as well as my past self. I became cold, calculated, sharp, and a imposing figure.

3: My heart and curiosity wins out. For all that I had become, I had a hole in my heart, at first it was easy to ignore. Work, sleep, work, sleep and on and on for a while began to bring me down from my shine to the machine. I have a deep compassion for others, and hate to see people suffer, and in truth have been said by many to "Have a heart of gold." Problem is, my heart's to big for my body, and it can't fit inside anymore, and the emotions pour out when I don't want them to.

4: I took on the mindset and role of a guardian among my family and friends, standing up for others, and constantly adhering the the wants and needs of others, living selflessly. I lived for others, placing their live far above my own, and it has been like that for some time now.

5: I had another breaking point. In best ways to quote, "Joints are rusty, tank is empty, now i'm running on rage." I had an incident in which someone confronted me in an aggressive manner, something I had had to deal with plenty at work, and had been trained for. However, this time I lost it, i'm not sure what about it made me reach the breaking point, but one moment he was yelling at me, the next I was dragging his unconscious body into the medical ward. I was interrogated by my superiors, and had to give a briefing on the situation. "I, just...I got tired of seeing his lips move, his arms sway about in no rhythm, and I just wanted him to stop talking. So I stopped him." They scolded me, but stated I was in the right as he approached my aggressively with intent on action, and I took action before he could. I was given some time off, "It's not suspension, its just a break. We feel that you need it."


I had for the longest time been working to pay off the debts of my mother, and new step-father. I never spend any money on myself, for Christmas I bought myself a $9.99 Watch, and a set of $11 pants. That is it. In my time off I began to look around on the internet in boredom, not knowing what to do with myself. My first and only real love in my life had introduced me to the furry fandom, and I loved it from the start, I kept tabs on some friends and things, but never was outwardly social with the community, but in this time to myself I could feel my old self coming back. I had an urge to dress girly, and wanted to be in comfortable clothes, I rummaged through my old things from high-school and found my skirt, some makeup and a few other things, put them on painted my nails, and cuddled up to a teddy bear on my bed. I slept longer and better than i had in years, and for once wasn't tormented by nightmares. When I woke up, the first thought that came to mind brought a wrenching sadness and jolted me back to reality, "I can't do this. I represent the Sheriff's Office and I am an officer of the law, my family would frown on this, and if anyone ever seen me like this my respect would be obliterated in an instant."

I was overwhelmed by a conflict of emotions, the want, the need to remain girly, innocent and soft versus the image of the hard strong knight that I must uphold. Well, the more and more I thought about it the more I agreed with myself to push the thoughts out and do my best to forget them. However recently I have discovered that the current situation I live in will be changing. My mother and step-father that I live with will be working and getting money, that means my money will be my money, and with it I can gain my freedom. I have looked at purchasing a house, and living by myself, getting alone time and freedom when away from work, then the thoughts came back. "Strong officer of the law by day, girly innocent cuddle bug by night." It was a thought, and it made me want to be girly again. However, at the same time this brought a great deal of anxiety for reasons I can't understand. Every time I think of it, I want it, but then the want fades and turns into shame and almost a scared hesitation.

I made a friend online, and have been talking with him for some time now, he is a diaper furr, and hides it from everyone but I have developed a very keen set of eyes that see though people easily. My golden heart took over, and I became the caretaker he never had, the person he could open up to and feel safe with. I became as he put it, "Mommy." The more I cared for him, the more I began to understand where he was coming form, and the more curious about it I got. I wondered what it was like myself, and wound up looking around. I eventually ran into a comic called "SHINE" and it put many of my thoughts into art and I felt a strong connection, and sudden new interest in diapers.

I struggle with being the strong supportive soldier that i have made myself to be, and that everyone has come to expect of me. More and more I just want to let it slip, give it up and let go, but I can't. I am bound by duty, and responsibility. When most people meet me, I am happy, easy to get along with, quirky, and intelligent. The more they get to know me, and see the strong shield I offer, the more they come to expect that from me, and the farther I get from showing them the truth.

"The truth." I'm not sure what that is anymore, I question if my feelings towards girl clothes, makeup, diapers, and soft safety are genuine, or just a phase of passing curiosity. I have battled my own demons for so long, I began to grow familiar to them. At some point, all the different personalities I had developed collided into one, and I for the first time in a long time stated having wants again. I once more knew the burning grip of desire and temptation, and this go around i was fighting in the other corner. "I don't need to do this, I have been living for others for so long, and for so long I haven't been alive. I deserve some happiness don't I? Who cares what they think, why should it matter to me?"

Very soon I will have freedom, and my income and time out of work will be my own. I will finally be able to do what I want, but I don't fully understand what that all encompasses and the reasons for my desires. I don't understand my interest in the things I take a liking to, and many times feel ashamed of it, even though I push for my friend to be himself and not feel ashamed. I feel so hypocritical, so confused, so broken, and so...lost.

Sorry for rambling on the way I do, but when you have pretty bad social anxiety, you don't tend to talk about your problems to others much. I have a lot bottled up, and it is better to let it out here, even if i never come here again, even if nobody ever takes the time to read this. It feels like there is some stone lifting off my shoulders, and makes the load that much lighter. I am sorry for anyone who did get to the end of this and nothing made sense to them, and I'm sorry for any who feel this is a waste of their time, but at least I get to feel that much lighter.

Hello and welcome. I hope you find the community helpful and enjoyably. Look forward to seeing you around.

Vesra said:

I have a lot bottled up, and it is better to let it out here, even if i never come here again, even if nobody ever takes the time to read this. It feels like there is some stone lifting off my shoulders, and makes the load that much lighter

Click to expand...

This is much the same I was when I came here, granted I didn't have as much stress bottled up because I was much younger at the time. I hope being able to talk to others of similar interest helps relieve some of your burden, as it did mine. XD

Welcome!

I'm sorry I don't have much time to say a lot but...

First off, you're not the only one of us here who has to put on a "suit of armor" everyday and go out to lead by example, be respected, and be ready to fight, despite ... you know postin' here! So, you're not alone in that!

Personally I've come to see both that man, and the little person that I can 'put on' when I'm safe at home, as two different, but both equally real parts of me. It might be different for you, but for me, embracing all the different sides of myself as important and real has been super helpful. I like to think of the Whitman quote, "So I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes." People are messy and complicated.

You'll find a lot of folks here who kept wondering if this all was just a 'passing phase', who finally came to realize these desires and interests would never go away fully, and we had to find some way to embrace and integrate them into our lives. Of course we're a biased sample, there may be just as many, or many more, who put these things behind them, so I hate to argue on the basis of numbers... but we can say that for many of us it has worked out to embrace it.

Also wherever you go with your girly little side, embracing it or somehow leaving it behind, I think the thing you need to do in either case, is find a way to give up the shame. Not so easy I know! Hopefully knowing you're not alone will let you start. Remember it doesn't hurt anyone. If you're religious (or were brought up that way) you may also feel shame not for objective recognizable external harm, but some shame about bringing somehow flawed. As a Christian it helps me to remember that Jesus came to walk among us sinners. Unless you let your desires become an addiction that separates you from a right relationship with God, I don't think there's anything wrong with these aspects of yourself. Forgive yourself for feeling what you've felt. Tell yourself it's OK no matter what happens in the future.

You're among fellow travelers here, so don't apologize for sharing. Everything you wrote made sense to me, and I hope we can help, even if just by being a safe set of ears to talk to!

P.S. Your avatar is scaring my avatar! ;-)

Versa,

Welcome to the site. You have a great post and it was such a good read!

Much of what you stated are reflections of why so many are here: the struggle to define our motley and incongruent facets that seem to oppose each other. We as individuals, in every walk of life, eventually discover desires or kinks that directly oppose our own perceptions of "self". We can find ourselves looking into a proverbial mirror and see someone who is defined in our vision or contextual understanding but can often times feel differently inside. The persona we feel obligated to present to the world is not always indicative of what fuels our "inner-self".

What I learned many years ago in Sociology class is that we have dominant and subversive personalities. Each play a role in our personality and reflection in the world around us but there is a careful balance at play. We can be exuberant with one while being guarded with the other.

At an early age I didn't perceive anything wrong with the desire to wear diapers but I knew it was abnormal by most standards. This desire didn't become quashed by my attempts to rationalize it away or to plug this kink into my calculations of social standards, in fact it bred an almost internal quest to rebel against it. The 'kink' was born. I found a way to fulfill my DL desires while finding a secret fanciful world to indulge myself in. It wasn't until nearly 20 years later that I discovered that I wasn't the only one....!

The journey of man-hood is a difficult one. Perhaps it's just as difficult as the woman-hood one. There are ingrained preconceptions of what is macho or manly but we all are creatures of balance and escape. We need to take the weight of the armor off and feel something fluffy, soft, and non-abrasive (even if for a short while).

The origins of kinks, fetishes, and subversive behavior are not random but are rather products of a subset of growth and experience. They coincide and eventually we start to try to make sense of them (in non-mathematical terms) and the outcome is sometimes more confusing than the equation itself. You see, what we perceive to be the probable outcome is sometimes (or usually) not exactly what we factored in to equate it. The one equation that we cannot factor into the "social norm" equation is: personality. We have little influence on our desires since we are not exactly the one who determines them. We, in essence, are a product of our childhood and early experiences. There are a number of very smart and intuitive folks on this site that would disagree with me but I have stated here before that some level of discord or trauma has ignited a unique level of free-spirit or ingenuity in most of us with niche kinks and desires.

Perhaps it's simply just a matter of heightened brain activity that spills over with excess energy into remote areas of the brain that trigger 'outlets' or 'avenues' to compensate extraordinary emotion, compassion or desire to connect in an ornate way.

As a male myself, I have at times fantasized about wearing girly stuff, pink clothing, skirts, tutus, and feeling feminine. It DIRECTLY opposes my male persona and desire to be a man and mitigate my surroundings preemptively to ward off any threat to my world. It took me awhile to realize that I do have an imminent soft side that does not always bow to my strong side.

Balance is the key I suppose. There is always time to let your guard down, even if it's for a minute in the shadows of the castle wall. A true man can feel his own heartbeat and understand that it longs for more than war.