Share your first little experience

[Oaktree]

What was your first "little" experience? What was it like and what lead to it. Did you experience any challenges transitioning from your "big" self?

 

[sdweasel]

Now there's an interesting question. I'll use the first experience that I understood and identified as a "little" experience.

Bit of warning, this was neither expected nor entirely pleasant.

I had been actively read Adult Babies: Psychology and Practices by Michael Bent. I was somewhat distraught because I identified with his description of regression and the type of pressures and desires it places on the psyche. However, I identified and behaved more like a DL than AB. I was upset and confused because I kept coming back to the same question. How can I identity so strongly with the regressive without actually having a little to regress to?

This had been gnawing at me for a week. I felt... wrong. Defective. I wasn't really sure who I was any more.

It came to a head one afternoon when I decided it was time for some diaper time. I had been looking forward to it for a couple of days and was quite excited, in every conceivable way. Right up until I got the diaper on and used it.

At that point, I felt both a very intense shame, followed shortly by confusion. This wasn't right. It wasn't how things should go, or are supposed to go. I sat there for a while, not knowing what to do with myself, then gave up and went to clean up and then bathe.

The bath is really where it fell apart. I was ashamed, confused, and wasn't sure who I was anymore. I was the closest to tears I've been in a very long time. I was just sitting in the bath with my arms around my legs lost in my misery when the first thought filtered through; "I want my mommy."

Now, as a brief aside, I knew this was not related to my biological mother. For unrelated reasons, I harbor a very deep and unreconciliable hatred for her.

With that thought came an immediate flood. I grabbed the idea and asked myself "where did that come from? Who's thought is that?"

There was a nearby pacifier that I had acquired at some point. Not something I really used regularly or thought about, but suddenly I felt as though I needed it. I grabbed it and relaxed slightly while I tried to process everything.

There were a lot of small memory fragments running through my head. Events I hadn't thought about for a long time, and among them was an online persona I used when interacting with an unfortunately forgotten AB friend, from a time when I was more open with myself, and others on the internet, about how I felt. Rachel. In that moment I just kinda... knew.

It was relatively short lived, as I had to set the pacifier aside and get ready for public. That in itself wasn't exactly difficult, but I felt a very intense guilt regarding Rachel. How could I have forgotten and ignored her? It seemed excessively cruel, especially to a child. I have often described it as feeling as though I've committed a great crime against myself, without really understanding how or why I did it.

I am now quite grateful that it happened. I have grown quite attached to Rachel, though it's still a work in progress. The week or two following that, in particular, was very strange. A lot of new sensory input that I wasn't used to dealing with, such as seeing a little girl around Rachel's age and feeling envy. I wanted to dress like that. I wanted to have any hair like hers. Very useful information, if you're paying attention, but very intrusive and overwhelming at first.

Okay, sorry, that's all quite long. I really hope some others come along and give us some more positive experiences. I really don't recommend this one.

 

[Oaktree]

Now there's an interesting question. I'll use the first experience that I understood and identified as a "little" experience.

Bit of warning, this was neither expected nor entirely pleasant.

I had been actively read Adult Babies: Psychology and Practices by Michael Bent. I was somewhat distraught because I identified with his description of regression and the type of pressures and desires it places on the psyche. However, I identified and behaved more like a DL than AB. I was upset and confused because I kept coming back to the same question. How can I identity so strongly with the regressive without actually having a little to regress to?

This had been gnawing at me for a week. I felt... wrong. Defective. I wasn't really sure who I was any more.

It came to a head one afternoon when I decided it was time for some diaper time. I had been looking forward to it for a couple of days and was quite excited, in every conceivable way. Right up until I got the diaper on and used it.

At that point, I felt both a very intense shame, followed shortly by confusion. This wasn't right. It wasn't how things should go, or are supposed to go. I sat there for a while, not knowing what to do with myself, then gave up and went to clean up and then bathe.

The bath is really where it fell apart. I was ashamed, confused, and wasn't sure who I was anymore. I was the closest to tears I've been in a very long time. I was just sitting in the bath with my arms around my legs lost in my misery when the first thought filtered through; "I want my mommy."

Now, as a brief aside, I knew this was not related to my biological mother. For unrelated reasons, I harbor a very deep and unreconciliable hatred for her.

With that thought came an immediate flood. I grabbed the idea and asked myself "where did that come from? Who's thought is that?"

There was a nearby pacifier that I had acquired at some point. Not something I really used regularly or thought about, but suddenly I felt as though I needed it. I grabbed it and relaxed slightly while I tried to process everything.

There were a lot of small memory fragments running through my head. Events I hadn't thought about for a long time, and among them was an online persona I used when interacting with an unfortunately forgotten AB friend, from a time when I was more open with myself, and others on the internet, about how I felt. Rachel. In that moment I just kinda... knew.

It was relatively short lived, as I had to set the pacifier aside and get ready for public. That in itself wasn't exactly difficult, but I felt a very intense guilt regarding Rachel. How could I have forgotten and ignored her? It seemed excessively cruel, especially to a child. I have often described it as feeling as though I've committed a great crime against myself, without really understanding how or why I did it.

I am now quite grateful that it happened. I have grown quite attached to Rachel, though it's still a work in progress. The week or two following that, in particular, was very strange. A lot of new sensory input that I wasn't used to dealing with, such as seeing a little girl around Rachel's age and feeling envy. I wanted to dress like that. I wanted to have any hair like hers. Very useful information, if you're paying attention, but very intrusive and overwhelming at first.

Okay, sorry, that's all quite long. I really hope some others come along and give us some more positive experiences. I really don't recommend this one.

I appreciate you sharing! It may not have been what you wanted or at the very least expected, but it did make the path to where you are today To better understand your experience I wanted to ask, is Rachel what you would consider a persona, an alter ego, or something else? I'm curious.

 

[Lightstreak2553]

I'm still sorting this one out a bit. Like SD Weasel, I've always identified as a DL. My interpretations for that come from my primary attachment to diapers. The troubling thing about it is that it has always been an emotional attachment, not a fetish. I knew this from the first time I found myself on Daily Diapers trying to understand myself and not really feeling at home with all the sexual applications being used. When I finally did find somebody who did describe it the way that felt the most like what I was feeling, the words I caught on to were safety, love, comfort, and feeling babyish. It didn't really connect with me then, because I had no desires to use bottles or pacifiers or anything from the AB world. That was around the age of 14. Fast forward several years, and I'm in college struggling with really bad anxiety issues. I'm getting ready to turn 21, and have my first major panic attack. I was a nervous wreck for days afterwards. Desperate for relief, and knowing my then-rejected ABDL side was capable of helping me a little bit, I came here and read a story about two littles. For a side note, I highly recommend the Ryan and Dorie Story for those of you who haven't read it yet. It wasn't my first time reading an ABDL story with littles in it, but this was the first that grabbed me that well.

I connected to the characters almost on an emotional level, allowing those scenes of love and nurturing during instances of regression to sweep me up. It was then I noticed something interesting: a small part of me that felt like my inner child, deep in my core, that was as terrified as I was. This story helped me so much to calm that part of me down. I just went with it and let myself lean into those feelings of safety emanating from the story's regression scenes. I went to sleep in that state and woke up for the first time in nearly a year free of my anxiety. I felt lighthearted, happy, and mentally almost on level with a six year old version of myself. Having glanced at Bent's levels of regression since then, I believe I may have been on level 2 or 3. Inevitably that experience waned and ended as life picked back up again, but for that particular day I spent feeling little I felt safe and happy again. I was shocked a bit to discover this part of myself, and am still questioning whether it's a thing that developed as a result of the anxiety itself or if it was always there and just went unrecognized. I hadn't had any major traits that pegged me as a little before, yet I could remember a few instances in late childhood and one as a teenager where I was put in situations that made me feel little and loving them, and now I wonder if they might have indicated something more. I've done some exploring since then, but I'm still at a loss as to where I fit on that scale. I've tried getting back into that headspace, and had some bits of success, but I've never been able to reach that same level again. I always shoot myself out of it for fear of that feeling of letting go of myself, especially since I'm alone. I'm just going with DL paired with Little-ish tendencies for now.

 

[BabyWolf1994sv]

It's quite the interesting question! My "First experience" would be when i was around 8 or 9 ( i know that's pretty young but hear me out). Me and my 4 year old cousin were staying with my grandma for the weekend, and at that time my cousin was still sleeping in a play pen/crib. I remember begging my grandma to let ME sleep in the playpen cause I WAS THE BABY.

It really makes me wonder what triggered these feelings from such a young age.

 

[ronnieM]

First little experience? There's probably one before this, as I wanted to be a baby again from the moment I was out of diapers, but the one I remember was when I soiled my undies in kindergarten. Mainly did it because I missed being little so much, and also because I HATED (and still hate) public restrooms (Didn't feel like plopping my rear onto a potty that everyone was using). The next year, when I was 6, I do remember fondly laying in my parents' bed and crawling up in the fetal position wishing I could be a little baby yet again.

 

[sdweasel]

To better understand your experience I wanted to ask, is Rachel what you would consider a persona, an alter ego, or something else?

I'm not super familiar with the technical definition of these, but at a glance alter ego seems more appropriate.

I identify very strongly with Dylan Lewis's The Adult Baby: An Identity on the Dissociation Spectrum. Rachel is very much like a co-conscious and co-present alter (now) and I, the adult am the host. There's a lot of grey area where we fade into and out of each other, but I'm also very new at this and don't fully understand. The event I'm describing was around the very end of May this year.

 

[Oaktree]

I'm not super familiar with the technical definition of these, but at a glance alter ego seems more appropriate.

I identify very strongly with Dylan Lewis's The Adult Baby: An Identity on the Dissociation Spectrum. Rachel is very much like a co-conscious and co-present alter (now) and I, the adult am the host. There's a lot of grey area where we fade into and out of each other, but I'm also very new at this and don't fully understand. The event I'm describing was around the very end of May this year.

I understand I find it kind of fascinating with diving deep into the psychology of it all, I might have to read those two books you mentioned some time.

 

[Rainbow]

I'm still sorting this one out a bit. Like SD Weasel, I've always identified as a DL. My interpretations for that come from my primary attachment to diapers. The troubling thing about it is that it has always been an emotional attachment, not a fetish. I knew this from the first time I found myself on Daily Diapers trying to understand myself and not really feeling at home with all the sexual applications being used. When I finally did find somebody who did describe it the way that felt the most like what I was feeling, the words I caught on to were safety, love, comfort, and feeling babyish. It didn't really connect with me then, because I had no desires to use bottles or pacifiers or anything from the AB world. That was around the age of 14. Fast forward several years, and I'm in college struggling with really bad anxiety issues. I'm getting ready to turn 21, and have my first major panic attack. I was a nervous wreck for days afterwards. Desperate for relief, and knowing my then-rejected ABDL side was capable of helping me a little bit, I came here and read a story about two littles. For a side note, I highly recommend the Ryan and Dorie Story for those of you who haven't read it yet. It wasn't my first time reading an ABDL story with littles in it, but this was the first that grabbed me that well.

I connected to the characters almost on an emotional level, allowing those scenes of love and nurturing during instances of regression to sweep me up. It was then I noticed something interesting: a small part of me that felt like my inner child, deep in my core, that was as terrified as I was. This story helped me so much to calm that part of me down. I just went with it and let myself lean into those feelings of safety emanating from the story's regression scenes. I went to sleep in that state and woke up for the first time in nearly a year free of my anxiety. I felt lighthearted, happy, and mentally almost on level with a six year old version of myself. Having glanced at Bent's levels of regression since then, I believe I may have been on level 2 or 3. Inevitably that experience waned and ended as life picked back up again, but for that particular day I spent feeling little I felt safe and happy again. I was shocked a bit to discover this part of myself, and am still questioning whether it's a thing that developed as a result of the anxiety itself or if it was always there and just went unrecognized. I hadn't had any major traits that pegged me as a little before, yet I could remember a few instances in late childhood and one as a teenager where I was put in situations that made me feel little and loving them, and now I wonder if they might have indicated something more. I've done some exploring since then, but I'm still at a loss as to where I fit on that scale. I've tried getting back into that headspace, and had some bits of success, but I've never been able to reach that same level again. I always shoot myself out of it for fear of that feeling of letting go of myself, especially since I'm alone. I'm just going with DL paired with Little-ish tendencies for now.

Where can I find that story you mentioned? Thank you for sharing your experiences; this thread is really fascinating and helpful to me.

 

[sdweasel]

Where can I find that story you mentioned?

I'm not lightstreak, but I'm guessing it's this one.

 

[LainIsLain]

Unfortunately mines not much more positive. After 35 years of deep suppression I tried diapers for the first time. After a few weeks I had my first little moment.

Early morning after having slept in my diaper I had woken up. I needed to pee so I wet my diaper. I was still getting use to that but was warming up to it. I layed back down and tried to relax. The smell of the wet diaper came from under my sheets and at the same time a loud plane had flown over the house. I instantly felt like a little toddler.

A lot of my conscious thoughts have been about replicating this feeling to some success. It works almost 90% of the time and the smell is a big trigger.

So right now it's wet diaper + safe comfortable bed = little feelings.

Some clothes also work but wearing the diaper along with the tactile sensations and smells are what I'm focused on.

 

[Lightstreak2553]

I'm not lightstreak, but I'm guessing it's this one.

Where can I find that story you mentioned? Thank you for sharing your experiences; this thread is really fascinating and helpful to me.

Yep! Thank you sdweasel!

 

[LainIsLain]

I'm still sorting this one out a bit. Like SD Weasel, I've always identified as a DL. My interpretations for that come from my primary attachment to diapers. The troubling thing about it is that it has always been an emotional attachment, not a fetish. I knew this from the first time I found myself on Daily Diapers trying to understand myself and not really feeling at home with all the sexual applications being used. When I finally did find somebody who did describe it the way that felt the most like what I was feeling, the words I caught on to were safety, love, comfort, and feeling babyish. It didn't really connect with me then, because I had no desires to use bottles or pacifiers or anything from the AB world. That was around the age of 14. Fast forward several years, and I'm in college struggling with really bad anxiety issues. I'm getting ready to turn 21, and have my first major panic attack. I was a nervous wreck for days afterwards. Desperate for relief, and knowing my then-rejected ABDL side was capable of helping me a little bit, I came here and read a story about two littles. For a side note, I highly recommend the Ryan and Dorie Story for those of you who haven't read it yet. It wasn't my first time reading an ABDL story with littles in it, but this was the first that grabbed me that well.

I connected to the characters almost on an emotional level, allowing those scenes of love and nurturing during instances of regression to sweep me up. It was then I noticed something interesting: a small part of me that felt like my inner child, deep in my core, that was as terrified as I was. This story helped me so much to calm that part of me down. I just went with it and let myself lean into those feelings of safety emanating from the story's regression scenes. I went to sleep in that state and woke up for the first time in nearly a year free of my anxiety. I felt lighthearted, happy, and mentally almost on level with a six year old version of myself. Having glanced at Bent's levels of regression since then, I believe I may have been on level 2 or 3. Inevitably that experience waned and ended as life picked back up again, but for that particular day I spent feeling little I felt safe and happy again. I was shocked a bit to discover this part of myself, and am still questioning whether it's a thing that developed as a result of the anxiety itself or if it was always there and just went unrecognized. I hadn't had any major traits that pegged me as a little before, yet I could remember a few instances in late childhood and one as a teenager where I was put in situations that made me feel little and loving them, and now I wonder if they might have indicated something more. I've done some exploring since then, but I'm still at a loss as to where I fit on that scale. I've tried getting back into that headspace, and had some bits of success, but I've never been able to reach that same level again. I always shoot myself out of it for fear of that feeling of letting go of myself, especially since I'm alone. I'm just going with DL paired with Little-ish tendencies for now.

Right! DL with littleish tendencies. That's kind of where I am right now. Exploring trying to find a way to "coax" my mute nameless little that out of his hiding place. I know where to find him and i hope that by exploring with other little stuff that we might be happier together. It's very complicated and I'm working a lot of this out in therapy. One thing is for certain. The diapers represent a state of being that isn't replicated by any other means so far. The diapers mean something so important I get sad when i think of how long it took for me to try them. Too long!

 

[Str88jacketabdl]

I’ve only really felt “little” once or maybe twice my entire life which has been mostly lived embracing abdl.

My first experience was the first time I wore a real adult diaper. I had been using luvs and make shifting them to fit but when I put that first diaper that actually fit me and I realized I was in a real diaper that I could use to it’s full potential I def felt little.

The only other time I was tied up by a former gf and was being kind of a brat and I got a significant beating with a wooden spoon. I felt completely helpless. Amazing.

 

[Oaktree]

It's kind of interesting how everyone has their own experience with this. Even the definition and perception of being "little" changes per person. I hope I can figure out someday if there is a version of that for me.

 

[dogboy]

My first experience occured when I was 4 years old. I was running around the house saying da da..over and over and my mom kept telling me to stop. This kept repeating until my mom said, "If you don't stop saying da da, I'm going to put you in diapers and don't think I can't because I still have your diapers from when you were a baby." That was my light bulb moment as I realized I really wanted to be back in diapers. The problem was we were having company that night and I didn't want them to see me wearing a diaper so I told my mom no and I stopped saying da da.

 

[sdweasel]

I hope I can figure out someday if there is a version of that for me.

It's true that our experiences are often as unique as they are similar. Your curiosity and openness to the experience should help a lot. I fought mine tooth and nail, so it took a couple of decades. If it's going to happen, there will likely come a time when you no longer have a choice.

I've been thinking about your previous question to me some more. The earlier Rachel was much more of a mask or persona. A role that I played because I wanted to be her without fully understanding why. The envy and such were present, but the age range was different and didn't feel separate from my primary identity. Hard to say, that was nearly 20 years ago.

Somewhere along the way that persona got incorporated into little Rachel, who is much more... alter. She is more defined and independent.

Alternatively, Rachel could have more than one age range and I simply didn't have the understanding then to recognize the difference. It will, perhaps, become more clear in time.

 

[BigKid25]

Like a few of the posters here, I'm predominantly DL. Like, 85% DL, 15%AB. I'm much more of a little boy than a baby and honestly I feel like I've deeply processed those inner child feelings and don't really need to regress much at all beyond some playfulness with kids when they engage me to play. Side note, depends on the kid and my relationship as well, because more often than not my teacher and 'mature adult' side surfaces now which puts me in a position to facilitate play for kids without engaging as deeply as I used to.

Anyway, most of my little clothing and items (binky, bottle, teddy etc.) Were more for role play to build up on my DL scenes. It's predominantly sexual with undertones of regression. However, my first regressive scene was having a onesie with a think Bambino diaper, my large teddy, Henry Bear, and pacifier with clip. I waited until everyone went to sleep, padded up and put on the adventures of Winne the Pooh cartoon. It was nice, but felt too vulnerable for me to connect with deeply in the way that most others do. There was pieces of memories as a young child with my mom and from there it was just too much for me and I just went to sleep.

It was really nice having that relaxing experience to wake up still dressed in my newly bought baby clothes, but that's the majority of my regression experience now. I like to get dressed for comfort and security, then I go to sleep. Those little time naps/sleeps are all I really need. Whenever I have the intention to give regression an honest go, I get distracted with other seemingly adult things. Or getting padded up and playing old video games. I mean, it's what I did as a kid, so I guess that's regression for me? I'm interested in creating role play scenes with someone else but I just don't feel that full blown regression is an integral part of me.

 

[Oaktree]

It was really nice having that relaxing experience to wake up still dressed in my newly bought baby clothes, but that's the majority of my regression experience now. I like to get dressed for comfort and security, then I go to sleep. Those little time naps/sleeps are all I really need. Whenever I have the intention to give regression an honest go, I get distracted with other seemingly adult things. Or getting padded up and playing old video games. I mean, it's what I did as a kid, so I guess that's regression for me? I'm interested in creating role play scenes with someone else but I just don't feel that full blown regression is an integral part of me.

You bring a really good point, in that the level of "regression" so to speak does not equate to the level of peace, fulfillment, or satisfaction one can have in such a vulnerable, more innocent state. I think the important thing to acknowledge as I read more of these stories is that only you know what will make you happy in those moments. You don't need to compare yourself or try to meet the expectations the ab/dl community has when it comes to its practices. Everyone is in their own boat so to speak and it's okay if your boat goes in a different direction than say someone else's. We're all heading to the same destination regardless.