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- Adult Baby
- Diaper Lover
- Babyfur
A great portion of my life is made up of things I cannot control.
With autism rendering me unable to find employment, I have no opportunities to better myself through work. No money means I will likely never be able to leave my parents' house - or really do anything. I get a little money from my dad, but of course that doesn't go far.
And of course living in my parents' home, I don't have much say-so in the things that go on beyond my little section of it.
Due to severe anxiety/fear I have made up my mind to never drive, which imposes further restrictions.
So imagine being in a bubble that is always being popped - that's my life. A state of constant insecurity and uncertainty. I know that tomorrow my physical needs will be met, but my emotional will not, and haven't been for quite a while. And I know my parents (my father especially) will not be around forever to keep a roof over my head - but perhaps worrying about that is premature, because at this point with the health problems I'm facing there's a chance I might not even outlive them.
I crave human warmth and affection - but I barely know what it feels like anymore. I just want to be held and reassured that things will be OK. Even going to sleep is oftentimes enough to fill me with anxiety that I know is irrational, but that I cannot control - and I don't think it'll ever completely go away without someone to sleep next to. But at the same time, I am wary of and distrustful of humankind.
In short, there is very little I can depend on. Except for my baby things.
I know diapers, binkies, and the like will always be there for me. They will not abandon me, or die, and no one can take them away from me. They are mine, and under my control. With them, I can create a tiny sliver of illusion. People love babies, and take care of babies, enveloping them in the safety and security I don't have but want so badly. It may only be a sham, a desperate attempt at happiness - but it is my sham, and I don't have much more than that.
With autism rendering me unable to find employment, I have no opportunities to better myself through work. No money means I will likely never be able to leave my parents' house - or really do anything. I get a little money from my dad, but of course that doesn't go far.
And of course living in my parents' home, I don't have much say-so in the things that go on beyond my little section of it.
Due to severe anxiety/fear I have made up my mind to never drive, which imposes further restrictions.
So imagine being in a bubble that is always being popped - that's my life. A state of constant insecurity and uncertainty. I know that tomorrow my physical needs will be met, but my emotional will not, and haven't been for quite a while. And I know my parents (my father especially) will not be around forever to keep a roof over my head - but perhaps worrying about that is premature, because at this point with the health problems I'm facing there's a chance I might not even outlive them.
I crave human warmth and affection - but I barely know what it feels like anymore. I just want to be held and reassured that things will be OK. Even going to sleep is oftentimes enough to fill me with anxiety that I know is irrational, but that I cannot control - and I don't think it'll ever completely go away without someone to sleep next to. But at the same time, I am wary of and distrustful of humankind.
In short, there is very little I can depend on. Except for my baby things.
I know diapers, binkies, and the like will always be there for me. They will not abandon me, or die, and no one can take them away from me. They are mine, and under my control. With them, I can create a tiny sliver of illusion. People love babies, and take care of babies, enveloping them in the safety and security I don't have but want so badly. It may only be a sham, a desperate attempt at happiness - but it is my sham, and I don't have much more than that.