Partner revealed DL fetish to me

[GFofDL1012]

Hello,

I'm pretty desperate to try and understand this fetish. This is going to be long, but I feel it's necessary to give all the context I can.

I have been with my SO for 3 years. We live together, we adopted a cat together. We've made large purchases together. We were on track to get engaged/married, etc. I'm 36F (She/Her), he is 30M (He/Him), we don't want kids. I always suspected there were things he wasn't disclosing in the bedroom. I don't really know why I had that intuition, but I think deep down I knew something was up. I asked him several times over the course of our relationship in an attempt to get more intimate and to make sure that we were having a fulfilling sexual relationship. Every time I asked, he would give these half-answers, like "Not really. I like when you wear lingerie" and just kind of leave it at that. He really never delved very deep into the topic and I did not press him further because I had no reason to believe he was lying. We always had great sex, or at least very good sex.

I'm vanilla. I don't have kinks and I have a hard time with sex due to my past and body dysmorphia and so on. I don't understand kinks in general, but I also don't shame people for having them (as long as they are consensual and harmless). I'm really open-minded when it comes to other people's preferences, but for me I'm just not really into anything. Frankly, I could go the rest of my life without sex altogether and be just fine. I've indulged exes from time to time in their kinks, like candlewax, light bondage, that sort of thing.

Over the past two months my bf has gotten into wearing 'panties' which hadn't bothered me at all because they are comfortable for him. He gets hot at night and he said this was helping. He made it seem like he'd never tried them before and he was discovering organically with me that he enjoyed wearing them, that he had tried them out on a whim, or accidentally bought women's panties instead of the men's. He never insinuated it was sexual and never brought up sex when discussing them. I suspected it was sexual, but I didn't bring that up because I don't mind it and because I don't want to make him feel ashamed, so I just supported him and let him do his thing with no judgement.

His response to my accepting this was pretty unexpected. He told me that he loved me and was so grateful I didn't judge him. He just thought it was great that I was so accepting of this thing. This speech came randomly in the kitchen one night and was really out of character for him.

This was the precursor for later in the evening when he disclosed to me his diaper fetish. He calmly explained he likes to occasionally wear and wet diapers. He said it's rare that he indulges and does it only when he is alone. He said it gives him comfort and relieves anxiety. He told my I can ask any questions at any time.

My immediate response was to not rush to judgement and I reassured him I don't hate him and that this is something I might be able to accept, but I needed to process it. Then I proceeded to ask questions. Does he want me to participate? How often has he done it? When did this start? What does it feel like for you? And so on.

I think I was in shock, honestly. I barely slept that night and the next day it hit me like a ton of bricks that this man lied to me for 3 years.

I know this fetish is harmless and fine for whoever is into it, but I think it's a deal-breaker for a lot of people and truthfully it would have been one for me, too, 3 years ago when we started dating. I became overwhelmed with anger that he waited so long to tell me instead of letting me know from the start, or at the very least before I moved in with him almost 2 years ago. I probably would not have stayed with him if I had known then, but I didn't get the opportunity to make that choice until now, when our lives are so intertwined I don't know how to separate us. I feel manipulated. I feel lied to.

It occurred to me that he might have lied about the panties as well. He confessed when I asked him. He's been into that sexually since college.

I feel like I don't even know him and I don't know if I can trust him.

He explained to me the reason he never told me about the fetishes earlier is because I once told him about a man I went on two dates with who disclosed a diaper fetish to me on our first date. I stopped seeing him because I wasn't into the fetish and I was freaked out by it. I told my SO this story in our first month of dating (because I naively thought this was so rare - there's no way it could happen twice).

So I asked - Why would he even want to continue dating me if he knew I wasn't into this fetish? He told me that he never planned to tell me anything about it, but when he realized I was so accepting of him wearing panties, he thought he could free himself of the secret he's been hiding for years. No one else knows about it at all. He's never told anyone before.

I will be honest. I am grossed out by the diapers - I didn't say this directly to him because I don't want him to feel ashamed of his fetish and I don't want him to hate himself because of it. I'm not grossed out by the panties, but the diaper fetish is a lot. I'm repulsed by urine/feces. I don't know if I can get over it and I'm devastated that I may have to end this relationship. I'm devastated that he lied to me. He's on a business trip at the moment and I am trying to sort through all of this right now in my head.

His timing for telling me this (two days ago) was right before a week-long trip he is taking for work and two months before I am about to have a life-changing surgery that is requiring a lot of work and psychological healing leading up to it on my part. I want to die.

I want to be clear. I told him all of this and explicitly told him that I'm not angry that he has this fetish. I'm angry he lied. And I'm angry that I didn't have the opportunity to deal with this sooner. And his timing is horrible.

I told him that I want to go to couples counseling and I made an appointment to see a therapist for later this week. Truthfully I'm in complete crisis.

What do I do? Has anyone been in this situation? Can someone help me understand what is happening?

 

[KindaOlde]

Reading this makes me want to cry. I so feel for you both. I have been married for 41+ years to a woman I love dearly but has no idea that I am into diaper wearing. I so want to tell her but I just don't see it ending well. I don't know that I could give it up. Please try to understand how difficult it was for him to confess this to you. He already knows how difficult it was for you to hear. I think maybe the timing was perfect. Give you time to figure it out. I pray for you both to be able to work this out. It sounds like you were good together before he told you. Please consider what has really changed. The only difference I can see is not that he is into something new but that now you know what he has had to deal with. my God bless the both of you.

 

[jonny77]

Hello,

I'm pretty desperate to try and understand this fetish. This is going to be long, but I feel it's necessary to give all the context I can.

I have been with my SO for 3 years. We live together, we adopted a cat together. We've made large purchases together. We were on track to get engaged/married, etc. I'm 36F (She/Her), he is 30M (He/Him), we don't want kids. I always suspected there were things he wasn't disclosing in the bedroom. I don't really know why I had that intuition, but I think deep down I knew something was up. I asked him several times over the course of our relationship in an attempt to get more intimate and to make sure that we were having a fulfilling sexual relationship. Every time I asked, he would give these half-answers, like "Not really. I like when you wear lingerie" and just kind of leave it at that. He really never delved very deep into the topic and I did not press him further because I had no reason to believe he was lying. We always had great sex, or at least very good sex.

I'm vanilla. I don't have kinks and I have a hard time with sex due to my past and body dysmorphia and so on. I don't understand kinks in general, but I also don't shame people for having them (as long as they are consensual and harmless). I'm really open-minded when it comes to other people's preferences, but for me I'm just not really into anything. Frankly, I could go the rest of my life without sex altogether and be just fine. I've indulged exes from time to time in their kinks, like candlewax, light bondage, that sort of thing.

Over the past two months my bf has gotten into wearing 'panties' which hadn't bothered me at all because they are comfortable for him. He gets hot at night and he said this was helping. He made it seem like he'd never tried them before and he was discovering organically with me that he enjoyed wearing them, that he had tried them out on a whim, or accidentally bought women's panties instead of the men's. He never insinuated it was sexual and never brought up sex when discussing them. I suspected it was sexual, but I didn't bring that up because I don't mind it and because I don't want to make him feel ashamed, so I just supported him and let him do his thing with no judgement.

His response to my accepting this was pretty unexpected. He told me that he loved me and was so grateful I didn't judge him. He just thought it was great that I was so accepting of this thing. This speech came randomly in the kitchen one night and was really out of character for him.

This was the precursor for later in the evening when he disclosed to me his diaper fetish. He calmly explained he likes to occasionally wear and wet diapers. He said it's rare that he indulges and does it only when he is alone. He said it gives him comfort and relieves anxiety. He told my I can ask any questions at any time.

My immediate response was to not rush to judgement and I reassured him I don't hate him and that this is something I might be able to accept, but I needed to process it. Then I proceeded to ask questions. Does he want me to participate? How often has he done it? When did this start? What does it feel like for you? And so on.

I think I was in shock, honestly. I barely slept that night and the next day it hit me like a ton of bricks that this man lied to me for 3 years.

I know this fetish is harmless and fine for whoever is into it, but I think it's a deal-breaker for a lot of people and truthfully it would have been one for me, too, 3 years ago when we started dating. I became overwhelmed with anger that he waited so long to tell me instead of letting me know from the start, or at the very least before I moved in with him almost 2 years ago. I probably would not have stayed with him if I had known then, but I didn't get the opportunity to make that choice until now, when our lives are so intertwined I don't know how to separate us. I feel manipulated. I feel lied to.

It occurred to me that he might have lied about the panties as well. He confessed when I asked him. He's been into that sexually since college.

I feel like I don't even know him and I don't know if I can trust him.

He explained to me the reason he never told me about the fetishes earlier is because I once told him about a man I went on two dates with who disclosed a diaper fetish to me on our first date. I stopped seeing him because I wasn't into the fetish and I was freaked out by it. I told my SO this story in our first month of dating (because I naively thought this was so rare - there's no way it could happen twice).

So I asked - Why would he even want to continue dating me if he knew I wasn't into this fetish? He told me that he never planned to tell me anything about it, but when he realized I was so accepting of him wearing panties, he thought he could free himself of the secret he's been hiding for years. No one else knows about it at all. He's never told anyone before.

I will be honest. I am grossed out by the diapers - I didn't say this directly to him because I don't want him to feel ashamed of his fetish and I don't want him to hate himself because of it. I'm not grossed out by the panties, but the diaper fetish is a lot. I'm repulsed by urine/feces. I don't know if I can get over it and I'm devastated that I may have to end this relationship. I'm devastated that he lied to me. He's on a business trip at the moment and I am trying to sort through all of this right now in my head.

His timing for telling me this (two days ago) was right before a week-long trip he is taking for work and two months before I am about to have a life-changing surgery that is requiring a lot of work and psychological healing leading up to it on my part. I want to die.

I want to be clear. I told him all of this and explicitly told him that I'm not angry that he has this fetish. I'm angry he lied. And I'm angry that I didn't have the opportunity to deal with this sooner. And his timing is horrible.

I told him that I want to go to couples counseling and I made an appointment to see a therapist for later this week. Truthfully I'm in complete crisis.

What do I do? Has anyone been in this situation? Can someone help me understand what is happening?

I had really good relationship like this until I told her I enjoyed wearing diapers. She left me and exploited it to social media and family. Fuct me up for a long time. Long story short. I'm currently married and wifey knows about me and diapers actually I need them now these days with my diabetes.

 

[GFofDL1012]

I had really good relationship like this until I told her I enjoyed wearing diapers. She left me and exploited it to social media and family. Fuct me up for a long time. Long story short. I'm currently married and wifey knows about me and diapers actually I need them now these days with my diabetes.

I'm really sorry that happened to you. I would never do that to him. I'm here because I really don't have anyone else to talk to about it for the very reason that I told him I wouldn't ever disclose it to anyone we know.

 

[bret2]

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It is the biggest regret of my life, knowing I kept this from my wife as long as I did and watching how much it broke her once she found out. Sent you a message. My story is very similar to that of yours.

 

[GFofDL1012]

Reading this makes me want to cry. I so feel for you both. I have been married for 41+ years to a woman I love dearly but has no idea that I am into diaper wearing. I so want to tell her but I just don't see it ending well. I don't know that I could give it up. Please try to understand how difficult it was for him to confess this to you. He already knows how difficult it was for you to hear. I think maybe the timing was perfect. Give you time to figure it out. I pray for you both to be able to work this out. It sounds like you were good together before he told you. Please consider what has really changed. The only difference I can see is not that he is into something new but that now you know what he has had to deal with. my God bless the both of you.

I fully appreciate how hard it was for him to come to me with this. One of the first things I told him was that I am glad he trusted me enough to tell me about it. I'm very sensitive to that, but it doesn't erase the dishonesty and it doesn't erase the fact that I am now faced with a much more painful separation than I would have been 3 years ago - unless, of course, I can learn to accept his fetish that I really, really, really don't like.

I told him I don't mind if he does it in private. That's true. I was doing some research last night when I couldn't sleep and I came across several stories from women like me who eventually allowed their partner to introduce the fetish into their sexual relationship. In a lot of these situations, the boyfriend pushed their partner too far with wanting them to participate in wetting/messing, etc.. I'm very scared of that happening. I have been the victim of sexual coercion and abuse and I am terrified that I'm going to end up feeling like I have no choice but to do this with him in order for him to feel fulfilled and that I will be guilted into it.

I find that a lot of AB/DL folks who write responses always lead with compassion for the AB/DL individual. I get that, but you have to understand that for me, it's like being asked to do something or at least accept something that would make me feel dehumanized and humiliated.

 

[MrE]

I told my wife early on in our relationship. She accepted it at first but slowly resented it. I'll be honest, the sex got lame after a few years and then she said she'd assumed I'd grown out of it. I didn't: sent me a bit nuts coz neither of us were enjoying the sex. Relationship probably lasted just over 10 years but man it was a hard one to end. Well over 2 years now and still feel the affects (and the fact we had a child)

In the end she told me she developed to dislike it but at first she was well into it. Probably just enjoying the madness of life etc. I'm glad I told her early on but resent the fact she expected me the grow out of my so called 'diaper fetish' Sowwy but some of us are a bit kinky in life.

 

[GFofDL1012]

I told my wife early on in our relationship. She accepted it at first but slowly resented it. I'll be honest, the sex got lame after a few years and then she said she'd assumed I'd grown out of it. I didn't: sent me a bit nuts coz neither of us were enjoying the sex. Relationship probably lasted just over 10 years but man it was a hard one to end. Well over 2 years now and still feel the affects (and the fact we had a child)

In the end she told me she developed to dislike it but at first she was well into it. Probably just enjoying the madness of life etc. I'm glad I told her early on but resent the fact she expected me the grow out of my so called 'diaper fetish' Sowwy but some of us are a bit kinky in life.

I don't think I considered the fact he would/wouldn't grow out of it. I think that's because of how long he said he has been into it, on and off. I don't think I would ever assume that, but he also made sure I felt safe to ask such questions. Thanks.

 

[Anemone]

The trouble with keeping secrets is that one is often punished for telling the truth.

You are perfectly entitled to feel upset that he did not tell you this sooner but given the situation it would have been very difficult for him to tell you.

Although you may feel that you can't know him because your image of him has changed what you do know is that he thought highly enough of you to want to be together even knowing that nappies were a turn off for you and that he was uncomfortable enough keeping secrets that he took a big risk by breaking his silence.

I think you are in shock and that is okay. I do not think that he wants you to do anything that you are not comfortable with, beyond knowing the truth. Of course he would probably love for you to be into it with him but not all interests have to be shared.

You do have the power and right to end the relationship. I subscribe to the belief that one should do what feels right and I intuit from your appealing for insight here that coming to terms with this new truth is what feels right. If this is true then it follows that your instinct is to maintain the relationship, you have an excuse to end things now if you were looking for one but I'm not under the impression that you were.

His timing was pretty horrible though, but finding a good time to come out is hard.

 

[K00paTr00pa]

I'm sorry you had to find out this late into the relationship, really he should of came clean early on, especially since you mentioned not being into this fetish in particular. I dont know if I'm well equipped to give you any real counsel on what you should do, but I can lend a bit of insight into my relationship thats going 10 years strong.

To preface this, my wife isnt really into this fetish, though she will mostly wear a Goodnite a couple times a year and she treats it like wearing lingerie for me.

When we were first going out, I told her 6 months in that I wanted to try out this fetish and she was really supportive. At the time I was terrified she would leave me for this kink alone, even though the rest of relationship was going great.

Looking back in hindsight, it was actually a little silly. A diaper just became a thing that was no big deal and if anything just became a shared secret that she occasionally teases me about.

When it comes to your situation (again Im not a counselor) it sounds like you guys still have a good sex life, before he let out his secret. He shouldn't of lied to begin with, but what qualities does he have that made you say yes when he proposed?

 

[Anemone]

I find that a lot of AB/DL folks who write responses always lead with compassion for the AB/DL individual. I get that, but you have to understand that for me, it's like being asked to do something or at least accept something that would make me feel dehumanized and humiliated.

We are pretty biased, it is true.

I am not sure where the dehumanisation comes into the equation though. I may have missed something and I don't want to pry into any past trauma but is it something he has asked you to do or something that you are afraid may be in the future?

 

[GFofDL1012]

The trouble with keeping secrets is that one is often punished for telling the truth.

You are perfectly entitled to feel upset that he did not tell you this sooner but given the situation it would have been very difficult for him to tell you.

Although you may feel that you can't know him because your image of him has changed what you do know is that he thought highly enough of you to want to be together even knowing that nappies were a turn off for you and that he was uncomfortable enough keeping secrets that he took a big risk by breaking his silence.

I think you are in shock and that is okay. I do not think that he wants you to do anything that you are not comfortable with, beyond knowing the truth. Of course he would probably love for you to be into it with him but not all interests have to be shared.

You do have the power and right to end the relationship. I subscribe to the belief that one should do what feels right and I intuit from your appealing for insight here that coming to terms with this new truth is what feels right. If this is true then it follows that your instinct is to maintain the relationship, you have an excuse to end things now if you were looking for one but I'm not under the impression that you were.

His timing was pretty horrible though, but finding a good time to come out is hard.

You are right to intuit that I am not looking for an exit. I am trying to come to terms with it.

We are pretty biased, it is true.

I am not sure where the dehumanisation comes into the equation though. I may have missed something and I don't want to pry into any past trauma but is it something he has asked you to do or something that you are afraid may be in the future?

This is something that comes from a past where I had very bad self esteem and was in an abusive relationship where I was coerced to do some pretty depraved things that I didn't really want to do. I don't want to get more into than that, really. It was a very bad time in my life, and it was a long time ago.

My current SO is wonderful and I don't think he would intentionally do that to me, but I think I will feel guilty because of, admittedly, my own unresolved trauma. Thus the therapy.

 

[Omg301]

You are right to intuit that I am not looking for an exit. I am trying to come to terms with it.


This is something that comes from a past where I had very bad self esteem and was in an abusive relationship where I was coerced to do some pretty depraved things that I didn't really want to do. I don't want to get more into than that, really. It was a very bad time in my life, and it was a long time ago.

My current SO is wonderful and I don't think he would intentionally do that to me, but I think I will feel guilty because of, admittedly, my own unresolved trauma. Thus the therapy.

From what I've been reading, it seems like you've been through a lot. I think therapy is a really good idea for the both of you. I recently started doing therapy myself to go over my own DL/AB tendencies that I've had for over 20+ years. I've missed out on so many things because I bottled it all up inside. But, I finally found a therapist I can talk to and it feels SO good and SO freeing and I am determined to finally come to terms with this side of myself and find a good life balance.

In your case, I think maybe individual therapy would be a good idea as well. It may be a good idea to do couple's therapy but I can see how it would be so hard on a partner with this sort of stuff just being dumped on them, especially if they have a lot of previous trauma that has led them to being understandably grossed out and scared of it. I don't think therapy would always make that feeling go away, but it may just help with your mental health so you can at least feel better with your emotions laid out and organized. That's my goal, at least.

 

[KindaOlde]

If you can forgive him and accept him I cannot imagine how great your realtionship could be.

 

[Forced]

I do believe he should have told you prior to your relationship getting serious and given you the option for continuing on but perhaps you mean more to him than a diaper and he thought (wrongly, as we all know) that he could forget his interests and enjoy a ‘vanilla’ relationship.

I think the key here is what he wants or would like from you in regards to this side of him.
If it’s just acceptance and he is happy to continue wearing away from your eyesight (you do realize he’s probably taking padding away with him to wear on his business trip) then only the knowledge that he’s doing it will directly affect you.
If he’s asking for some interaction, maybe for you to change a wet nappy or even wear a diaper yourself, then that’s where you will have to have a hard think about (possibly) spending the rest of your like with someone who’s desires you will never fulfill.

Please remember if it’s the former then his (secret) wearing hasn’t been a problem in the relationship before, so why should it now?

 

[chiaochai]

all i can really say is that this is exactly why he didnt tell you. its up to you but imho breaking up with someone you love dearly because of a fetish you dont have to be involved in is ridiculous. you make it seem like he is forcing your hand when he was just trying to be honest with you. i will never understand why not sharing one kink is a deal breaker for some people. my partner has a foot fetish and i dont, does that mean its the end of the line for us? no, of course not. if something that simple can ruin everything for you, i have to call into question if you are really in love with this man.

how are /you/ being humiliated and dehumanized just because he simply HAS a fetish that he didnt ask you to be a part of? when you break up with him for this i guarantee you its going to be the most humiliating, dehumanizing experience of his life.

 

[Edgewater]

I am likely not going to provide you with an answer to your question, but my story may help from a point of two individuals having to face a life / marriage changing experience. Long story very short, after four years of marriage, I was involved in a high-speed car crash. Another car failed to stop at a highway intersection and I hit that car barely touching the brakes. My European car did what it was designed to do, but I entered the drivers compartment of the other car as it came apart around me. Several bits of metal enter my drivers space and impacted low. I had to be extracted from my car. Two days, later I woke-up with my dear wife at my side. She states that my first question was if the other driver survived the crash? She stated, yes and unharmed. I woke a day later with my wife and doctor in the room. He stated that I had undergone several surgeries and that I needed to place my energy into recovery. It was near 7 days before I was told that I had lost a bit more then 80% of my bladder and that my kidneys where seriously bruised, at that point he was unsure of the status of my sexual ability. On the way home, with a hose and bag in place, my dear wife stated that she was told that first day that I would never have normal urinary control and would likely need to wear a bag 24 /7. As I heard a full review of what she was told and when, I was heart broken that she knew I was in serious condition and a major part of a young couples life would be vastly different.

That was near fifty years, two wonderful kids and a life of unbelievable joy, ago. Over the years, we have had several very deep discussions and points where we serious considered separation. Marriage is a life long process of being willing to forgive, adjust and to readjust the ground rules as we change. Although our story has very limited ties, what I hope it shows that when a relationship is fully open and ours was not prior to that car crash, a long and happy life is still very possible.

This could be seen as that reality moment where life becomes real and the choices can open a door or close one. What seems to be in place is that yes, he was not honest. And that is an issue, but it comes to measuring the man you have and the one you had. It is possible that you are looking a two very extreme corners, from what you are saying; This guy seems to a kinder /gentler individual. The truth is you may have a winner in the making and with some adjustment guided by you, could work well.

Near fifty years ago, the choices were very limited for someone who is 24/7, U-IC. Hiding cloth diapers was not simple, leaks common and there was always the clothesline filled with diapers. During several of our moments of deep discussions I suggested that my dear wife leave for a better life. Each time she told me of what her friends were putting up with and my diapers where simple and she always knows that I love her.

You have before you choices and questions, true, but you implied that you have major surgery that could be life changing. In you opinion, is he the kind of guy that will stay with you regardless of the outcome of this event in your life?

 

[GFofDL1012]

all i can really say is that this is exactly why he didnt tell you. its up to you but imho breaking up with someone you love dearly because of a fetish you dont have to be involved in is ridiculous. you make it seem like he is forcing your hand when he was just trying to be honest with you. i will never understand why not sharing one kink is a deal breaker for some people. my partner has a foot fetish and i dont, does that mean its the end of the line for us? no, of course not. if something that simple can ruin everything for you, i have to call into question if you are really in love with this man.

how are /you/ being humiliated and dehumanized just because he simply HAS a fetish that he didnt ask you to be a part of? when you break up with him for this i guarantee you its going to be the most humiliating, dehumanizing experience of his life.

I didn't break up with him or freak out to him, though I did cry a lot and told him I was upset he waited 3 years to tell me. I asked him a lot of questions because he said I could and he would answer any of them.

I am here to try and understand this and familiarize and maybe destigmatize it for myself because I love this man. You are welcome to be comfortable with all the fetishes in the world. I don't want to change that for you, but I am allowed to be uncomfortable with this.

Regarding the humiliation bit, read that in the context in which it was written. I replied about that to someone else as well.

 

[GFofDL1012]

I do believe he should have told you prior to your relationship getting serious and given you the option for continuing on but perhaps you mean more to him than a diaper and he thought (wrongly, as we all know) that he could forget his interests and enjoy a ‘vanilla’ relationship.

I think the key here is what he wants or would like from you in regards to this side of him.
If it’s just acceptance and he is happy to continue wearing away from your eyesight (you do realize he’s probably taking padding away with him to wear on his business trip) then only the knowledge that he’s doing it will directly affect you.
If he’s asking for some interaction, maybe for you to change a wet nappy or even wear a diaper yourself, then that’s where you will have to have a hard think about (possibly) spending the rest of your like with someone who’s desires you will never fulfill.

Please remember if it’s the former then his (secret) wearing hasn’t been a problem in the relationship before, so why should it now?

I just want to say I do know he did take diapers with him on this trip. This trip is part of what triggered him to tell me, along with my accepting his fetish for wearing women's underwear.

He didn't outright ask me to interact, but I asked him if it was his hope that I would do that and he expressed he did want me to, but I don't have to.

 

[chiaochai]

I didn't break up with him or freak out to him, though I did cry a lot and told him I was upset he waited 3 years to tell me. I asked him a lot of questions because he said I could and he would answer any of them.

I am here to try and understand this and familiarize and maybe destigmatize it for myself because I love this man. You are welcome to be comfortable with all the fetishes in the world. I don't want to change that for you, but I am allowed to be uncomfortable with this.

Regarding the humiliation bit, read that in the context in which it was written. I replied about that to someone else as well.

i am referring to your considering breaking up with him, not saying you already have. i see what you said in response and what i said remains the same. i understand and am sympathetic to your past issues, but you also have to realize youre not actually being humiliated or dehumanized. he is. i am sorry this probably comes off rather blunt, and i dont mean to be rude at all, im just trying to put things plainly.

i cant stop you from doing anything, nor am i saying youre not allowed to do anything or feel anything. im telling you my opinion, which seems warranted given you are here asking for that. as i said, my partner has a couple fetishes we dont share and it never once crossed my mind to end things with them over it. it is just my opinion that it is quite absurd to react so harshly to something so unimportant. i didnt find out my partner enjoyed dd/lx dynamics until a year or two in, and my reaction was just to be excited we had something new to explore. losing sleep over it and considering breaking up and all this was the absolute furthest thing from my mind. its just unfathomable to me. especially given that it really has nothing to do with you if you dont want to participate in it. i love my partner more than life itself, and no fetish is ever going to change that.

again, i have no control over what you feel or do and wouldnt try to. im just trying to offer up some perspective as best i can. if you look inside yourself and you are indeed that unsure of him, well thats just how it will have to be. but if you do want to continue on with him, i suppose what im saying is it doesnt require any further mental energy be put into this. if you dont want to be involved, thats that on that. things just continue as they did before. best of luck to you