One week it's forever and the next it's see you never

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noahVmiller

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I'm having a really hard time dealing with a recent breakup with my girlfriend. Like really really hard time. One week we were on vacation and the next she's telling me she isn't happy anymore - it's devastating - no it's actually worse...

I'm so sick of feeling like people are giving me mixed signals or judging me based on my decisions. I want to feel like I am doing things for myself but now I feel like everything I am doing is continuing to screw everything up.

My girlfriend told me she wanted me to start standing up for myself and make changes. I joined a gym, and distanced myself from my parents (who are a huge source of conflict in my life). These are just two changes out of many, but since doing these things she has gotten MORE distant toward me - and now she's left.

I don't understand how any of these things can be connected. It's otterley agonizing. A lot of this I've done to myself (isolate myself) but it doesn't help when you feel lost in your own head. It's just actually downright depressing knowing there's no on who can actually understand what I'm going through. I feel so trapped.
 
I wonder if you actually communicated with her how you were feeling. Making some changes as you have might be massive efforts for you that frankly she doesn't realise ... unless you tell her. A lot of guys just carry their own struggles without openly sharing them and unfortunately this can be misconstrued as being uncaring. She might just think you've gone off her, or that you don't have any solid direction.

Just a few thoughts, sorry if I'm way off the mark.
 
I did tell her...I've never joined a gym before in my life. I realized I was dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety so I joined a gym to "expel" that negative energy. I went ahead and blocked facebook, pinterest, and tumblr. Social media sites have been the vain of my frustration so much in the past - for me to actually put a block on them is HUGE.
 
Maybe you 2 just need a "cooling off" period. Just spend some time away from her and remember something she really likes, or a day like her birthday or something and send her some flowers or do something nice for her. If you don't get a positive response, maybe it's time to move on. Better that you found out now, then after you were married.
 
You know seriously it just could be over. Her asking you to change could have just been part her struggle to come to terms with how she was feeling about the relationship.

Having said that, it sounds like the changes you have made are really positive for you and you should keep going with them. It's really important for you to look after yourself.

If the relationship is over, then these positive changes will help you to cope.
 
But it's like I'm fated to ALWAYS HAVE A BROKEN HEART. No matter how much love I pour into a relationship I ALWAYS GET STABBED IN THE BACK. I have never been unconditionally loved through thick and thin. I have NEVER had someone by my side through the worst times. Now I can't help but beat myself up for being "damaged" , "broken" and unlovable." I spent 10 months running down a trail that led me off the face of a cliff. Now I feel like a champion.
 
For starters you are most definitely not unlovable...secondly, you mustn't beat yourself up if this is over. If you honestly believe you gave her everything then it's probably not meant to be.

All I can suggest is that you try to focus on the awesome things you are doing to help get yourself into a better space. Because the stronger you are in yourself the better equipped you'll be to find someone who truly deserves the effort you put into a relationship... That'll be the person who ultimately stands by you through thick and thin.....until then buddy you'll have to lean on us. :) :hugs:
 
No I really feel unlovable or more realistically that there's a third party out of my control controlling who I fall in love with. I don't understand anything anymore. My mind is completely fucked. These past 10 months couldn't have been any less than incredible (sure there were bumps) but as is the case in any long distance relationship. It's just like my life more or less went into replay it actually so unbelievable if I was an author I'd write a book. I feel helpless because I accept their are things out of my control, but it's beyond frustrating to accept a life of depression and a life without love.
 
I am certainly no expert on relationships, but maybe it would be good to see a professional, maybe a counselor or minister or a psychiatrist. I am sure that the situation you are in is not unique, and these professionals have seen similar if not exact scenarios many times and they would have some answers and help for you. You don't want to become depressed and unhappy. Keep your head held high and your mind clear!
 
Yeah I'm with Chuck on this...if you're struggling that much, you need to see someone. And just saying, you do not have to accept a life of depression or a life without love. Start by loving yourself properly.
 
You say this to someone who's been this way their whole life. It's not just as easy as "loving myself." I'm admitting it's really really really hard to do on my own. I don't know any better - this has been my whole entire life. I truly thought there was something going here but as the past reminds us I can't sustain a loving relationship. How she put up with me for 10 months is amazing alone - further affirms her place in my heart as an angel. She held my heart in a way it's never been touched before. It's not devastating to come to terms with it's life shattering. I know it might sound dramatic but if you caught a glimpse of the war going on inside my head, stomach and heart you'd understand.
 
I'm hearing your pain. And if you have been struggling for so long, I do hope you've been getting some professional help. It's not normal to have to deal with those sort of things constantly. It's not something you should learn to accept. There are ways to help yourself. Sometimes we just need the right kind of a hand to lift us up. Unfortunately, the people we love or even those who love us, are not always equipped to help us.
 
Just a question here. You said your relationship was long distance? How much of it was long distance, and how much was face to face?
 
Believe it or not 4 months was face to face and the rest was long distance. I knew it sounds crazy to think it would actually work, but believe it or not I had no doubts we'd be fine as long as both kept putting in 50% effort. I've never had any doubts about this girl - she's my person/
 
NoahVmiller, what do you think of the following quotes? Would you consider these quotes healthy and realistic?

No I really feel unlovable or more realistically that there's a third party out of my control controlling who I fall in love with. I don't understand anything anymore. My mind is completely fucked... it's beyond frustrating to accept a life of depression and a life without love.

You say this to someone who's been this way their whole life... I'm admitting it's really really really hard to do on my own. I don't know any better - this has been my whole entire life... I can't sustain a loving relationship. How she put up with me for 10 months is amazing alone... It's not devastating to come to terms with it's life shattering. I know it might sound dramatic but if you caught a glimpse of the war going on inside my head, stomach and heart you'd understand.

I knew it sounds crazy to think it would actually work... I've never had any doubts about this girl - she's my person/
We are here to support you and are here to listen. If you have questions, we will answer them as best we can. However, we may only do so much. You mention frustration with a life of depression without love. Do you want a chance to improve this? I know that professionals are available that can really help. Several have helped me.

Many of us here know what anxiety and depression does to the mind and body. I know that battle personally. Desiring for life to be different, trying advice to change, and being helpless to change anything. This is a horrible pit. There is only one way out: ask someone to help. In a literal pit, someone must be at the top with a ladder or rope. For depression, someone must be available with the right tools to pull the other to safety.

For me, the tool I needed most was a way to check my thoughts. Is this something I should be thinking? Those thoughts that were causing anxiety and depression were not. They were often unrealistic, unlikely, and already finished. So, don't think those thoughts! Yeah right; I didn't know how. Several psychologists and psychiatrists struggled to help. A psychologist finally helped me find a way for me to dismiss thoughts and go to healthy ones. Quick fixes and life-long problems do not go together.

Yes, this is hard alone. I could not have done it by myself. Would you like some help also?
 
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