Needing some in put on this.... Can you help

[LittleBabyBoy29]

I am in the middle on this. I really want to start Hrt but i haven't come out to my family, what are some pointers on coming out? i have googled some ideas but i always trust the web.

I do dress like a female on a daily, i do some times do make up,
i guess im torn on what to do..

 

[Anemone]

We are the untrustworthy Web...

It's not a situation I have gone through so I can't speak from experience.

I think the best thing to do is (drum roll) dependant upon your family. What works for you is important but you have to be genuine so that's a given.

What works for one family will not work for others. One thought I do have would be to tell people collectively, so no one feels like an afterthought and reacts badly as a result. Family dynamics come into this again here of course.

 

[daisycupcake]

daisy doesn't know the answer but she hopes whatever you decide brings you lots of happiness

 

[stareegirl]

As you have said we are all strangers on the internet.
And no one here wishes to influence your decision.

But i would suggest that if you are stressed you talk to your closest family members.

Tell them that you see and precieve yourself as female and that it is important to live your life in a way that works for you.

Here's hoping that you get some kind of support and encouragement.
And also that you gradually find your way to happy

 

[Saltedcaramel64]

I would suggest that you dress and act how you want, but stay away from hrt. You will get osteoperosis, scoliosis and cancer from that stuff.

 

[Sissybabykatie]

Trans woman here that has been on HRT for ~12 months now. I absolutely think that if what you truly want is to transition then you definitely should start HRT sooner rather then later. HRT is a very slow process. Like at least 6 months before you start to notice much in the way of any appearance changes and more like 9-12 months before things really start to happen on it. Could be longer if your dose doesn’t get increased by very much.

You could definitely start HRT and take a little bit of time before telling anyone as like I said above it will take time for you to have any noticeable changes to your appearance anyways.

My suggestion would be to seek a gender confirming Dr. or mental health professional in your area and discuss your options with them while you figure out how to tell your family.

The other side of that coin is that you could just avoid them and not tell them until your much further along in your transition. Which may be possible if you don’t live with family. This is what I’ve done. I’ve avoided my fam for the past year and have only told 2 people in my fam so far. This has definitely helped make my transition a lot easier because the fear of telling my fam was always one thing that kept me back from transitioning before.

 

[Seasonedcitizen]

Be very sure you want to follow this path. Not all doors that open for you are for your benefit.

 

[BoyLuc]

Some say, when you want a kitty, ask for a horse. So I came out as a wolf then, being non-straight didn't seem nearly as bad to them. (that was a joke but has truth in there too);

You could gauge their attitudes about such things FIRST. Otherwise, you might not like the results. Don't set yourself up for horrible rejection. Either way, it's going to depend on them. You know them best. You do for you. You could be embraced by family or, you could lose them entirely. To say otherwise would be blowing smoke.

There are many very good books on the topic.

The Guardian top 10 books about coming out

PFLAG also has reading lists.

I highly recommend seeking out LGBTQI+ Center in your city/town. They often have in person support groups and/or libraries/loaners, book lists. Also, if possible, work with a counselor. They help you process your stuff not give you answers.

In my mind and experience (have run a number of support groups for many years and come out over and again) reading a good books takes you down a path in your mind where you can feel the author's story. Support groups are good but remember that everyone is at a different place on different, yet similar, paths. Don't follow their path but we can learn from each other.

BTW, coming out is a never ending process. I feel like I will be me and come out when I want, to who I want or not when not safe to do so. If other people find out, I can't change how they feel about such things except to be a model "me."

My reminder is that you are going to share this with them (perhaps) and they have not had 1, 3, 5, or your entire life (28 years or whatever your age) to come to terms with this. It will take some time if it's completely alien to them.

In a training seminar weekend a number of years back, a presenter (I'll call him Joe) was discussing at-risk youth asking what groups might come to mind. He was shocked when I answered LGBTQI+ kids as no one had ever answered that and he'd have to tell them. Of course, it's the FIRST thing that comes to mind for me. He is LGBTQI+ (and many people STILL don't know he is which is even odder since he's married to another guy). Later Joe came up to me and said, "OMG, you?" I just said, "Clever man...yes, we're literally everywhere aren't we" (He's a LPC). Lesson is that people don't see what they are not used to being around. Joe was used to looking straight for the general population and saving the other parts of himself for when it is safe (professionally and personally) that he wouldn't have seen me in a million years until I lifted up a corner of me to show him.... I did it on purpose as the group was a bit too white-washed & religious for me. Sooner was better since I handle cases with LGBTQI family components.

In other words, if you've been good at keeping your family in the dark, they might not see this coming at all. They'll need processing time and you're going to have to be patient.. yet if it's important, not let them just sweep it under the carpet with the other elephants in the room.

Have a plan, have a support system, do what feels best in the moment..

 

[LittleMaya]

Hi trans girl here..... started transition 19 years ago.

My suggestion would be to seek a gender confirming Dr. or mental health professional in your area and discuss your options with them while you figure out how to tell your family.

That's more than a suggestion, that should be a given. A respectable, experienced mental health professional should be diagnosing gender dysphoria before any HRT is started. To ask strangers on the internet about transitioning, when they have zero idea of your past, your mental health, or even the most basic: how long you've felt this way... well, uneducated advice can be bad advice. The more I see people transitioning without mental health care in place, the more train wrecks I see. This is a BIG step, not to be taken lightly.
I'm doing great with it all, I'm a success story. But many aren't.

The other side of that coin is that you could just avoid them and not tell them until your much further along in your transition.

That's the route I took.

As for a few other replies... I was a bit taken back.

I would suggest that you dress and act how you want, but stay away from hrt. You will get osteoperosis, scoliosis and cancer from that stuff.

I'd love to know where you got that information from.... but there's zero reputable credence for it.

I'll close by saying that I see a lot of trans people looking to tell their families or friends, in hopes of getting their endorsement and support, as though that's the deciding factor of whether they do in fact transition. Make your decision to transition solely based on YOU. If what you're saying is that transitioning is the only way to be at peace with your own body or how you live your life... it's been going on for years... then yes... absolutely get your therapist's support, stay under the close monitoring of your physician, and start your journey. Opinions of those around you is not a valid reason to transition, nor a reason not to... so don't be looking for their acceptance to give you that nudge. If you're truly transgender, it won't go away no matter who rallies behind you or doesn't.
And lastly.... give it time. Often it takes time for others to adjust... to "come around". Their first reaction often isn't the one you hope for, but in time, things get better. They need to know that this is something that is deeply important to you, you've given careful consideration, it's been going on for a long time, and your course is the real path to your happiness.

 

[Sissybabykatie]

Hi trans girl here..... started transition 19 years ago.


That's more than a suggestion, that should be a given. A respectable, experienced mental health professional should be diagnosing gender dysphoria before any HRT is started.

Unfortunately seeing an actual mental health professional before a Dr is willing to prescribe hormones is not a thing in a lot of places and def wasn’t for me.

I called and booked a 1st appointment with the doctor that is now my full on family doctor that is a specialist dealing with trans patients and I was basically able to start HRT as soon as my pre HRT blood work was back. There was very little conversation of why I wanted to transition or anything along those lines.

The proper standards of care world wide from WPATH is basically that the patient has to be of sound mind and capable of understanding the risks involved with HRT and understand what can’t be reversed without surgery.

Essentially all you really need to do is tell a doctor that your trans and want to begin to transition and as long as they are willing to administer HRT then they will do it. Which in my honest opinion is the way it should be. There are enough barriers to get health care and SRS and other transition related documents etc done plus you need to actually find a GP or Endo that will provide transition related care which is definitely harder when there are lots of people that don’t have a family doctor to go to in the first place. So yeah I definitely don’t think seeing someone to confirm dysphoria in an adult before being able to get HRT should be barrier.

Not to mention it’s not like a trans person wakes up one day and says they’re trans and then goes to their doc to start HRT. It’s usually a much longer process to get to that step for the majority of trans people MTF or FTM.

 

[LittleMaya]

The proper standards of care world wide from WPATH is basically that the patient has to be of sound mind and capable of understanding the risks involved with HRT and understand what can’t be reversed without surgery.

*precisely where the system is set up for [x] percentage of train wrecks or 'de-transitioners'. Paying a few visits to a physician is not grounds for establishing a patient's readiness or their full understanding of what lies ahead. It's giving the patient the ability to self-diagnose.

Which in my honest opinion is the way it should be. There are enough barriers to get health care and SRS and other transition related documents etc done plus you need to actually find a GP or Endo that will provide transition related care which is definitely harder when there are lots of people that don’t have a family doctor to go to in the first place. So yeah I definitely don’t think seeing someone to confirm dysphoria in an adult before being able to get HRT should be barrier.

Not to mention it’s not like a trans person wakes up one day and says they’re trans and then goes to their doc to start HRT. It’s usually a much longer process to get to that step for the majority of trans people MTF or FTM.

I'm all for breaking down barriers that keep a transgender person from getting where they need to be. What's concerning is the self diagnosis. Try to imagine a world where you can get all the depression meds you want because YOU decided you were depressed.

 

[Kittyinpink]

Unfortunately seeing an actual mental health professional before a Dr is willing to prescribe hormones is not a thing in a lot of places and def wasn’t for me.

I called and booked a 1st appointment with the doctor that is now my full on family doctor that is a specialist dealing with trans patients and I was basically able to start HRT as soon as my pre HRT blood work was back. There was very little conversation of why I wanted to transition or anything along those lines.

The proper standards of care world wide from WPATH is basically that the patient has to be of sound mind and capable of understanding the risks involved with HRT and understand what can’t be reversed without surgery.

Essentially all you really need to do is tell a doctor that your trans and want to begin to transition and as long as they are willing to administer HRT then they will do it. Which in my honest opinion is the way it should be. There are enough barriers to get health care and SRS and other transition related documents etc done plus you need to actually find a GP or Endo that will provide transition related care which is definitely harder when there are lots of people that don’t have a family doctor to go to in the first place. So yeah I definitely don’t think seeing someone to confirm dysphoria in an adult before being able to get HRT should be barrier.

Not to mention it’s not like a trans person wakes up one day and says they’re trans and then goes to their doc to start HRT. It’s usually a much longer process to get to that step for the majority of trans people MTF or FTM.

I really advise you to see a professional gender therapist, I understand that breaking down those barriers is good , but diagnosis is very important. I'm u.k and I had to go through far to much , but I am very happy to have been diagnosed and I get help and support offered as a result and I am starting therapy also.. I am not by any means throwing water on your fire , just advising you cover all aspects of your transition. Due to my current situation I would advise that you simply don't come out, wait until you are well on your journey. I came out before full HRT and I was very happy to start , but people can be difficult and all I did by coming out early was complicating my already difficult life.. Take your time , be patient , and I wish you the very best and a great future

 

[Sissybabykatie]

I really advise you to see a professional gender therapist, I understand that breaking down those barriers is good , but diagnosis is very important. I'm u.k and I had to go through far to much , but I am very happy to have been diagnosed and I get help and support offered as a result and I am starting therapy also.. I am not by any means throwing water on your fire , just advising you cover all aspects of your transition. Due to my current situation I would advise that you simply don't come out, wait until you are well on your journey. I came out before full HRT and I was very happy to start , but people can be difficult and all I did by coming out early was complicating my already difficult life.. Take your time , be patient , and I wish you the very best and a great future

I’m already over a year in to hormones and have had no thoughts of looking back but again what I stated which was told to me directly from my doctor that specializes in transgender health care that the WPATH (World professional association for transgender health) standards of care do make it easy to get access to HRT.

If they went based on true dysphoria I would’ve never been given hormones but that didn’t mean I’m not trans and that I didn’t want to live as a woman but I was handling life as a male quite ok.

I wouldn’t of taken a chance on a counsellor telling me that no your fine as a male and invalidating my tiny bit of dysphoria.

I’m however mostly saying that most Dr.s worth their salt that do transgender health care go by WPATH standards so someone knowing that could make it easier to get to HRT.

*precisely where the system is set up for [x] percentage of train wrecks or 'de-transitioners'. Paying a few visits to a physician is not grounds for establishing a patient's readiness or their full understanding of what lies ahead. It's giving the patient the ability to self-diagnose.



I'm all for breaking down barriers that keep a transgender person from getting where they need to be. What's concerning is the self diagnosis. Try to imagine a world where you can get all the depression meds you want because YOU decided you were depressed.

But it’s not someone getting self diagnosed with depression and your using a terrible analogy for it. Gender dysphoria should not be a hard decision by a doctor. I’ve seen posts on here before of people in other countries that detail how hard it’s been for them to get access to health care support for their transition because of having to go through so many hoops to get to where they want to get too. Basically like what you are saying.

Now in saying this I’m not trying to take away from Dr.s or especially psychiatrists but for the most part these people do not have lived experience as a trans person. I’m actually working on becoming a psychiatrist so I have a shit ton of respect for them but like I said there should not be all these barriers of seeing all these different people to be able to begin to live as your true self.

 

[Kittyinpink]

I’m already over a year in to hormones and have had no thoughts of looking back but again what I stated which was told to me directly from my doctor that specializes in transgender health care that the WPATH (World professional association for transgender health) standards of care do make it easy to get access to HRT.

If they went based on true dysphoria I would’ve never been given hormones but that didn’t mean I’m not trans and that I didn’t want to live as a woman but I was handling life as a male quite ok.

I wouldn’t of taken a chance on a counsellor telling me that no your fine as a male and invalidating my tiny bit of dysphoria.

I’m however mostly saying that most Dr.s worth their salt that do transgender health care go by WPATH standards so someone knowing that could make it easier to get to HRT.



But it’s not someone getting self diagnosed with depression and your using a terrible analogy for it. Gender dysphoria should not be a hard decision by a doctor. I’ve seen posts on here before of people in other countries that detail how hard it’s been for them to get access to health care support for their transition because of having to go through so many hoops to get to where they want to get too. Basically like what you are saying.

Now in saying this I’m not trying to take away from Dr.s or especially psychiatrists but for the most part these people do not have lived experience as a trans person. I’m actually working on becoming a psychiatrist so I have a shit ton of respect for them but like I said there should not be all these barriers of seeing all these different people to be able to begin to live as your true self.

Right.. I thought you were just starting out.. And yes , its a terrible shame so many of us can't get the help earlier/easier , I have suffered my whole life , and I had no idea I could successfully get my much needed HRT... I am for instance, still on the waiting list to be seen for first consultation.. hmmm.. that was at least 1 + 1/2 years ago... I finally went private and it took about 5 -6 weeks.. Also as a result of the difficulties in getting the care I needed , I have already wasted so many years of my life .. I could be 100% passable by now.... Sorry I got the wrong end of the stick there! It seemed to me you had rushed in and got going without a second thought! ..

 

[Sissybabykatie]

Right.. I thought you were just starting out.. And yes , its a terrible shame so many of us can't get the help earlier/easier , I have suffered my whole life , and I had no idea I could successfully get my much needed HRT... I am for instance, still on the waiting list to be seen for first consultation.. hmmm.. that was at least 1 + 1/2 years ago... I finally went private and it took about 5 -6 weeks.. Also as a result of the difficulties in getting the care I needed , I have already wasted so many years of my life .. I could be 100% passable by now.... Sorry I got the wrong end of the stick there! It seemed to me you had rushed in and got going without a second thought! ..

No I was never rushed into it. I contemplated the question of me being trans or not since I was 14. Realistically I think I knew as early as 6 or 7 but never really knew what it was. For so long I thought about the fact that I felt ok with my life as a man which made me think that I was not trans and just had an interest in women's clothes which manifested its self as me crossdressing. My only real bit of dysphoria was in clothing and wishing I was born female. but like any other aspect of my life didn’t cause me an ounce of dysphoria but that definitely doesn’t mean that I’m not trans.

However, I’m sure any mental health professional that wasn’t trans themselves would think that no way I was actually trans based on how I felt and never allow me to medically transition if I required that. Which I’m sure that kind of stuff is why the WPATH standards are so lenient for hormones and even surgery. Yes they are lenient for surgery too.

Regardless if anyone is ever questioning and really not entirely sure of themselves being trans they should seek someone to talk things out with like a mental health professional to help you understand your own feelings but alas HRT within the first 1-3 months is completely reversible. So if the OP started hormones and then spoke to a counsellor and started to think they weren’t afterwards within those first few months then no harm done. So therefore my advice is to not tell your family until your absolutely sure and completely ready to tell them.

 

[Peesalot]

I am not trans at all. However, I am a crossdresser. I started the crossdressing journey 26 months ago. I originally had hoped to get my wife and myself into joint counseling with a psychiatrist at the VA. The first appointment was for just myself. As it turned out, my wife didn't particularly want to go to counseling sessions as she believes she has been quite accepting (which she has been). However, because of some controlled meds I take for ADD, I still have to see the same psychiatrist on a regular basis. The conversation, in addition to the ADD and those meds, always has her asking if everything at home is still going good with my wife and my crossdressing. It simply feels good/reassuring to have someone else interested in how I'm doing since crossdressing is considered to be somewhere on the trans spectrum. My entire point is to please listen to others who have suggested dealing with a gender specialist within the medical community.

I'm guessing if you dress female on a daily basis and haven't yet come out to your family that you do not live close to them and don't see them on a regular basis. I believe the input of a professional is critical to how you approach your family. Understand that seeking out the help of a professional is not an admission that "something is wrong" with you. It is a recognition that a trained person can help you in walking thru this mine field successfully. Good luck on this journey.