How do you cope ? I feel like I'm losing it

[Raven801]

Where to start I've been bladder incontinent for over a year had a lot of urology appointments had every test you can imagine and I swear if they even mention a cytoscope again some one is getting slapped after going through that 9 times I've had it. And for some reason every time I go to a Dr appointment I just get more bad news. It's been so bad the last 8 months I have pulled away from going out in public. I've basically been a shut in I have had several hospital stays and so many Dr visits it cost me my job of 14 years I'm losing everything including my sanity. I often wonder why is it humane to put an animal out of misery and pain but that isn't applicable to humans? I'm often in so much pain I can't sleep or eat. And because I'm in pain I have been unable to do any of the things that make life worth living to me.
I often fantasize about grabbing my scuba gear and going down with several extra tanks and going really deep until I get some serious nitrogen narcosis going on and just let it take me...at least I'd go out doing something I loved and it would be on my terms. Does that sound crazy?
I'm tired of watching everything I worked for get sold and disappear. I'm tired of being a burden to family and I'm tired of the pain and most of all I'm tired of ibs and bladder issues. Another rant by yours truly. Hoping someone else who is in a similar situation reads this ... Maybe we can help each other..... Maybe all it takes is for someone to offer a different perspective.... I dunno I wish I was a wise man but alas I am not. For I am just a man.

 

[LJTheFalcon]

Where to start I've been bladder incontinent for over a year had a lot of urology appointments had every test you can imagine and I swear if they even mention a cytoscope again some one is getting slapped after going through that 9 times I've had it. And for some reason every time I go to a Dr appointment I just get more bad news. It's been so bad the last 8 months I have pulled away from going out in public. I've basically been a shut in I have had several hospital stays and so many Dr visits it cost me my job of 14 years I'm losing everything including my sanity. I often wonder why is it humane to put an animal out of misery and pain but that isn't applicable to humans? I'm often in so much pain I can't sleep or eat. And because I'm in pain I have been unable to do any of the things that make life worth living to me.
I often fantasize about grabbing my scuba gear and going down with several extra tanks and going really deep until I get some serious nitrogen narcosis going on and just let it take me...at least I'd go out doing something I loved and it would be on my terms. Does that sound crazy?
I'm tired of watching everything I worked for get sold and disappear. I'm tired of being a burden to family and I'm tired of the pain and most of all I'm tired of ibs and bladder issues. Another rant by yours truly. Hoping someone else who is in a similar situation reads this ... Maybe we can help each other..... Maybe all it takes is for someone to offer a different perspective.... I dunno I wish I was a wise man but alas I am not. For I am just a man.

My grandfather went through a very similar story. It’s very heartbreaking that many people will eventually deal with these sort of things. I promise you that there will be hope in the future. At our level of medicine there is limited things we can do but I can promise the clinical level has been and always will be working nonstop to make this easier. I cannot imagine what you have to go through daily despite seeing it with my own eyes through my elder family. No, you don’t sound crazy for wanting to shut yourself down. But it’s not the best answer. If nothing else, we’re here for you. We’re listening to you. You aren’t alone.

 

[Raven801]

I really appreciate that I guess that may have come out a little darker than I intended. But thank you for understanding

 

[MullbG]

Hey, can't say that i've been in the same situation but i think its good that you're willing to talk about your pain. Sometimes sharing and knowing that there are people out there who would take a minute to acknowledge yours might perhaps ease it a little.

I think that if i were in your position i would not have had the same courage or strength. Each of us have bad days where we think that we're at our wits end. My words may come across as an empty echo but i do believe that you still have people that love you and things that you cherish, little things around you that would help in your daily pains and struggles. Find them, find your courage, allow yourself to be rely on them for at least this moment when you are down and promise yourself that you would pay it forward or pay them back twice over. Only during moments of pain do we find what is important to us and the ones that truly matter. If you can find that ounce of gratitude, things or people to be thankful of, perhaps that could be your strength moving forward.

I'm guessing that part of the allure of diving is being able to peek into the unknown depths, the darkness, the calmness, the excitement, the fear all in one. The pressure of the water pressing against your bones, much like the intense pressure that you are feeling right now. But i do believe that you're not yet in the depths. Perhaps theres still that blueish green soft glow of light that is enveloped around you, assuring you that its still bright up there. All you have to do is come back to the surface where you're anchored to and back into the warmth of the sunlight. Its not easy when you're this deep and maybe you've never been this deep. But its not your first time diving and you know how to get yourself back up to the surface, its just a long and painstaking process that involves kicking one leg after the other.

When the worst is all over, you as a person would have been given a brand new perspective in life. Wisdom is merely just a word. A wise man may be just be a fool with pretty words. But that in itself comes from having that experience, that painful process in which you could evolve into. Your life's pain becomes your wisdom. And none other would be wiser.

 

[Raven801]

Hey, can't say that i've been in the same situation but i think its good that you're willing to talk about your pain. Sometimes sharing and knowing that there are people out there who would take a minute to acknowledge yours might perhaps ease it a little.

I think that if i were in your position i would not have had the same courage or strength. Each of us have bad days where we think that we're at our wits end. My words may come across as an empty echo but i do believe that you still have people that love you and things that you cherish, little things around you that would help in your daily pains and struggles. Find them, find your courage, allow yourself to be rely on them for at least this moment when you are down and promise yourself that you would pay it forward or pay them back twice over. Only during moments of pain do we find what is important to us and the ones that truly matter. If you can find that ounce of gratitude, things or people to be thankful of, perhaps that could be your strength moving forward.

I'm guessing that part of the allure of diving is being able to peek into the unknown depths, the darkness, the calmness, the excitement, the fear all in one. The pressure of the water pressing against your bones, much like the intense pressure that you are feeling right now. But i do believe that you're not yet in the depths. Perhaps theres still that blueish green soft glow of light that is enveloped around you, assuring you that its still bright up there. All you have to do is come back to the surface where you're anchored to and back into the warmth of the sunlight. Its not easy when you're this deep and maybe you've never been this deep. But its not your first time diving and you know how to get yourself back up to the surface, its just a long and painstaking process that involves kicking one leg after the other.

When the worst is all over, you as a person would have been given a brand new perspective in life. Wisdom is merely just a word. A wise man may be just be a fool with pretty words. But that in itself comes from having that experience, that painful process in which you could evolve into. Your life's pain becomes your wisdom. And none other would be wiser.

WOW you seriously just blew my mind that was so thoughtfully written thank you so much and you know what I love scuba diving a lot I have done over 200 dives and you know part of you always enjoys coming back to the light and warmth of the sun.... One time I had a bcd fail and started to sink ... And being I'd never considered that could be an issue I had my weights in the back of the bcd and couldn't drop them it was a fight to get back to the surface....sure I could have ditched my BCD and tank and regulator and easily got to the surface but in the moment I chose to not lose my gear.... When I got topside it was still a struggle but I made it to my boat safely...... I guess moral of the story is there is always a way back to the light some easy some not and sometimes taking the easy way you can lose something along the way ?
I dunno you got me thinking all deep as hell now lol

 

[MullbG]

WOW you seriously just blew my mind that was so thoughtfully written thank you so much and you know what I love scuba diving a lot I have done over 200 dives and you know part of you always enjoys coming back to the light and warmth of the sun.... One time I had a bcd fail and started to sink ... And being I'd never considered that could be an issue I had my weights in the back of the bcd and couldn't drop them it was a fight to get back to the surface....sure I could have ditched my BCD and tank and regulator and easily got to the surface but in the moment I chose to not lose my gear.... When I got topside it was still a struggle but I made it to my boat safely...... I guess moral of the story is there is always a way back to the light some easy some not and sometimes taking the easy way you can lose something along the way ?
I dunno you got me thinking all deep as hell now lol

See now, i've never been diving so i didn't even know what a BCD was until right this moment. I'm just a fool with pretty words , but your own experiences made sense of this fool's words. I would love to go diving though, one of the many things on my bucket list.

 

[BABYTIGERCUB]

Where to start I've been bladder incontinent for over a year had a lot of urology appointments had every test you can imagine and I swear if they even mention a cytoscope again some one is getting slapped after going through that 9 times I've had it. And for some reason every time I go to a Dr appointment I just get more bad news. It's been so bad the last 8 months I have pulled away from going out in public. I've basically been a shut in I have had several hospital stays and so many Dr visits it cost me my job of 14 years I'm losing everything including my sanity. I often wonder why is it humane to put an animal out of misery and pain but that isn't applicable to humans? I'm often in so much pain I can't sleep or eat. And because I'm in pain I have been unable to do any of the things that make life worth living to me.
I often fantasize about grabbing my scuba gear and going down with several extra tanks and going really deep until I get some serious nitrogen narcosis going on and just let it take me...at least I'd go out doing something I loved and it would be on my terms. Does that sound crazy?
I'm tired of watching everything I worked for get sold and disappear. I'm tired of being a burden to family and I'm tired of the pain and most of all I'm tired of ibs and bladder issues. Another rant by yours truly. Hoping someone else who is in a similar situation reads this ... Maybe we can help each other..... Maybe all it takes is for someone to offer a different perspective.... I dunno I wish I was a wise man but alas I am not. For I am just a man.

I was diagnosed with inflammatory autoimmune arthritis psoriatic and rheumatoid rheumatoid pain even with meds is constant the destruction of the low back led to it becoming unstable to the point of displacing vertebrae in my low back similar to a dislocation takes out nerves in the spinal cord or nerve roots leaded to urinary incotenent pain when you sit pain and leg cramping pain, and weakness often needed a walker and a Cane at the age of 59 use a motor cart at stores get chastised by older people saying don't you think your too young to be in that I told keep harassing me and I'll call 911 don't mess with me. I understand the constant pain it wears you down like you don't want to do anything it's not you don't want to its you can't physically when your in extreme pain and most people that don't experience this type of pain don't understand it including family members I had family members say you need to move around more you will feel better and quit being so lazy I told them I should give you a dose of this pain and see how you like it, spinal issues you move around it makes it worse, how do I keep from going insane a boatload of choice words I know that I should not do that I've done prayer , meditation some yoga some stretching and maybe an implant pain control divice that's next on the agenda and possibilitie of fusion low back surgery to stabilize the vertebrae, no your not going crazy think about alternatives pain control options I have I've used( IF Tens unit) takes the edge off because this pain can bring tears to your eyes, good luck we are here for one another. I feel that pain! I Know my family doesn't understand this and it's primarily the reason why I joined this group to have someone with the same issues to talk to take Care from Kisa.

 

[Pino]

Where to start I've been bladder incontinent for over a year [...] and for some reason every time I go to a Dr appointment I just get more bad news.

I really feel you in this point. U-IC for about 18 month now and the list of problems with my urinary track is getting longer and longer.

Last week i got aware of the fact, that i will statistically die in 12 years, i am 46 now. It is hard not to let this fact pulling you down.
Good new is that i do not have to worry about my pension any more, i wont live long enough for that.

The second BTX seems not to work as good as the first one and my bladder is getting stronger while my pelvic floor is getting tighter.

Not completely sure how this will end. Perhaps i will need a supra pubic catheter soon, or they will cut my sphincter.
Both will take my sports away completely. That is something i am really anxious about.

 

[slimjiminy]

Last week i got aware of the fact, that i will statistically die in 12 years, i am 46 now. It is hard not to let this fact pulling you down.
Good new is that i do not have to worry about my pension any more, i wont live long enough for that.

WOW, that is one tough row to hack (and for the OP). It is a reminder how many of us have to struggle in life. I just received news from the doc that my complete hearing loss in my one ear is going to be permanent. It doesn't sound like much (no pun intended) but when you lose an ear it affects not only what you hear, but your sense of direction for any sound. I have to be extra careful when crossing the street now. And, now I don't need stereo anything. Additionally, the diabetes is doing its best to take my eyesight (ongoing treatments to fight that). It's difficult to face these things positively, for sure. Sometimes, the only thing that works is "one day at a time".

 

[Raven801]

See now, i've never been diving so i didn't even know what a BCD was until right this moment. I'm just a fool with pretty words , but your own experiences made sense of this fool's words. I would love to go diving though, one of the many things on my bucket list.

I own enough gear to dive 5 people . Even have my own compressor for filling tanks.
I have taught so many people over the years. Had a few people tell me that was a bucket list item was always really awesome to hear that...and it never hurt to have more dive buddies

 

[BABYTIGERCUB]

I was diagnosed with inflammatory autoimmune arthritis psoriatic and rheumatoid rheumatoid pain even with meds is constant the destruction of the low back led to it becoming unstable to the point of displacing vertebrae in my low back similar to a dislocation takes out nerves in the spinal cord or nerve roots leaded to urinary incotenent pain when you sit pain and leg cramping pain, and weakness often needed a walker and a Cane at the age of 59 use a motor cart at stores get chastised by older people saying don't you think your too young to be in that I told keep harassing me and I'll call 911 don't mess with me. I understand the constant pain it wears you down like you don't want to do anything it's not you don't want to its you can't physically when your in extreme pain and most people that don't experience this type of pain don't understand it including family members I had family members say you need to move around more you will feel better and quit being so lazy I told them I should give you a dose of this pain and see how you like it, spinal issues you move around it makes it worse, how do I keep from going insane a boatload of choice words I know that I should not do that I've done prayer , meditation some yoga some stretching and maybe an implant pain control divice that's next on the agenda and possibilitie of fusion low back surgery to stabilize the vertebrae, no your not going crazy think about alternatives pain control options I have I've used( IF Tens unit) takes the edge off because this pain can bring tears to your eyes, good luck we are here for one another. I feel that pain! I Know my family doesn't understand this and it's primarily the reason why I joined this group to have someone with the same issues to talk to take Care from Kisa.

I was diagnosed with inflammatory autoimmune arthritis psoriatic and rheumatoid rheumatoid pain even with meds is constant the destruction of the low back led to it becoming unstable to the point of displacing vertebrae in my low back similar to a dislocation takes out nerves in the spinal cord or nerve roots leaded to urinary incotenent pain when you sit pain and leg cramping pain, and weakness often needed a walker and a Cane at the age of 59 use a motor cart at stores get chastised by older people saying don't you think your too young to be in that I told keep harassing me and I'll call 911 don't mess with me. I understand the constant pain it wears you down like you don't want to do anything it's not you don't want to its you can't physically when your in extreme pain and most people that don't experience this type of pain don't understand it including family members I had family members say you need to move around more you will feel better and quit being so lazy I told them I should give you a dose of this pain and see how you like it, spinal issues you move around it makes it worse, how do I keep from going insane a boatload of choice words I know that I should not do that I've done prayer , meditation some yoga some stretching and maybe an implant pain control divice that's next on the agenda and possibilitie of fusion low back surgery to stabilize the vertebrae, no your not going crazy think about alternatives pain control options I have I've used( IF Tens unit) takes the edge off because this pain can bring tears to your eyes, good luck we are here for one another. I feel that pain! I Know my family doesn't understand this and it's primarily the reason why I joined this group to have someone with the same issues to talk to take Care from Kisa.

My new user name is BabyTigerCub I've changed it a year ago in December my new update I'm looking into Radio Frequency Ablation for the back pain relief leg muscles are getting weaker I don't know if they do the motor nerve or just the sensory nerve for pain control I've tried to get a prescription for a electric wheelchair because Medicare does not cover scooters but might cover electric wheelchairs that was a bust also we've paid into the Medicare system for over 30 years while working and have to fight for every thing that medicare covers but to be denied over and over again take care from BabyTigerCub.

Where to start I've been bladder incontinent for over a year had a lot of urology appointments had every test you can imagine and I swear if they even mention a cytoscope again some one is getting slapped after going through that 9 times I've had it. And for some reason every time I go to a Dr appointment I just get more bad news. It's been so bad the last 8 months I have pulled away from going out in public. I've basically been a shut in I have had several hospital stays and so many Dr visits it cost me my job of 14 years I'm losing everything including my sanity. I often wonder why is it humane to put an animal out of misery and pain but that isn't applicable to humans? I'm often in so much pain I can't sleep or eat. And because I'm in pain I have been unable to do any of the things that make life worth living to me.
I often fantasize about grabbing my scuba gear and going down with several extra tanks and going really deep until I get some serious nitrogen narcosis going on and just let it take me...at least I'd go out doing something I loved and it would be on my terms. Does that sound crazy?
I'm tired of watching everything I worked for get sold and disappear. I'm tired of being a burden to family and I'm tired of the pain and most of all I'm tired of ibs and bladder issues. Another rant by yours truly. Hoping someone else who is in a similar situation reads this ... Maybe we can help each other..... Maybe all it takes is for someone to offer a different perspective.... I dunno I wish I was a wise man but alas I am not. For I am just a man.

 

[Dinotopian2002]

Where to start I've been bladder incontinent for over a year had a lot of urology appointments had every test you can imagine and I swear if they even mention a cytoscope again some one is getting slapped after going through that 9 times I've had it. And for some reason every time I go to a Dr appointment I just get more bad news. It's been so bad the last 8 months I have pulled away from going out in public. I've basically been a shut in I have had several hospital stays and so many Dr visits it cost me my job of 14 years I'm losing everything including my sanity. I often wonder why is it humane to put an animal out of misery and pain but that isn't applicable to humans? I'm often in so much pain I can't sleep or eat. And because I'm in pain I have been unable to do any of the things that make life worth living to me.
I often fantasize about grabbing my scuba gear and going down with several extra tanks and going really deep until I get some serious nitrogen narcosis going on and just let it take me...at least I'd go out doing something I loved and it would be on my terms. Does that sound crazy?
I'm tired of watching everything I worked for get sold and disappear. I'm tired of being a burden to family and I'm tired of the pain and most of all I'm tired of ibs and bladder issues. Another rant by yours truly. Hoping someone else who is in a similar situation reads this ... Maybe we can help each other..... Maybe all it takes is for someone to offer a different perspective.... I dunno I wish I was a wise man but alas I am not. For I am just a man.

@Raven801:

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, I appreciate this news can be a lot to take in, and it sounds overwhelming. But you’re being treated by professionals, and you have access to the resources to manage it. All of which means this issue is easier to manage.

Having to wear diapers 24/7 is not easy and it does take some getting used to. But with the right protection, you should be able to do most of the things you like doing again. Instead of having to always worry where the nearest bathroom is.

My best advice is not to feel guilty about something you can’t control. You have a medical problem and diapers are the tools you need to manage it.

I’ve now been in diapers 24/7 since my mid-teens and these days, I think of my diaper as my friend, not my enemy. My padding doesn’t hold me back, if anything they take me forwards.

Give yourself time to grieve - and don’t feel ashamed for it. This will get easier to manage with the right mindset - and the right diapers.

Breathe Deep, Seek Peace
Dinotopian2002

 

[BABYTIGERCUB]

My new user name is BabyTigerCub I've changed it a year ago in December my new update I'm looking into Radio Frequency Ablation for the back pain relief leg muscles are getting weaker I don't know if they do the motor nerve or just the sensory nerve for pain control I've tried to get a prescription for a electric wheelchair because Medicare does not cover scooters but might cover electric wheelchairs that was a bust also we've paid into the Medicare system for over 30 years while working and have to fight for every thing that medicare covers but to be denied over and over again take care from BabyTigerCub.

Is the pain from a spinal stenosis problem if it is just the same here that pain is brutal I've thought that same thing from time to time by ending it all I just couldn't do that to family I looked into orthopedic options and I've found something that might work is Radio Frequency Ablation to basically burn the sensory nerve so that it doesn't send pain signals back to the brain I don't know how long it will last i will keep you posted should know something in a couple of days had to do a referral from primary M.D.will take a couple of days look for other options please take care from BabyTigerCub.

 

[Joeysms]

it is never easy adjusting to life changes. working with what you have at any given moment is the best you can do and build from that. I highly suggest a Therapist or at least a trusted friend you can talk with. no matter what the subject. life is far too short to focus on ending it. dark and down times may seem like never ending situation but truly they don't last, for life goes through that cycle. family and friends are there to help. Things for me all imploded majorly due to my mental health a long time back. it took a number of years to recover/dig out from under the implosion. i had to learn to move forward find new things in my life to embrace. looking at back it was a blessing not that i ever want to go through that type of implosion again but it helped me move on from a toxic job and away from toxic people. there was lose for sure to deal with. I am extremely blessed i had a lot of loving help, so it isn't a bad thing to lean on others until you are standing up right on your own. as far as IC that is something i work with in life that takes some extra planning ahead. hopeful you will make it back into driving or something else that brings enjoy. isolating is never good for it allows too much time inside your head. getting out doing something being around others helps refocus your mind some. i have a friend who life changed major due to illness (major health issues) and he went into that rabbit hole of depression and hoping his life would end. if he had stayed that course he would never been able to experience that five years later he would get to meet and know the first of 5 grandkids that he loves spending time. we never know what is coming in life and i think it is worth hanging around to see what it maybe. focus on what you can do for now and look for other things you can add on later. warm thoughts