Hiring a Caregiver?

[BDDan]

Hi Everyone, I've seen a few posts here where people shared they hired their own caregiver. I had some questions on how best to go about this and any wise advice and or pros/cons with the experience.

I imagine I would need to draft an email template that I can send to local caregivers through sites that offer their services? I have started on a draft and would be happy to post it for comments/proof-reading, if i pursue.

My questions are:
1). Is this illegal in any way (i.e. to request babysitting/caregiver services for myself as an AB)? I would be upfront in my initial email what the circumstances are, and this would be 100% non-sexual and consensual for both parties.
2). Have there been any really negative replies? or threats of reporting?
3). How many people do you tend to contact before getting a positive response?
4). Or is it usually quite accepting and you have multiple responses?
5). Are older (50+), middle aged (35-50), or younger (25-35) women more/less receptive? or different ethnicities?
6). Do you tend to ask nannies, babysitters (I imagine they would be the least responsive), or old age care nurses?
7). Once you have found someone, does it take multiple visits before both parties feel comfortable?
8). Do they take care of you like a geriatric adult or like a toddler?
9). Do they need a lot of instruction at first, or do you give them a list of ways to act and their responsibilities?
10). Do you feel their genuine in caring for you? or are they distant? or does this come with time?
11). How many caregivers quit after the first trial run?
12). Do you find you need to pay them a premium over what they are asking for a typical wage?
13). Do they take the job seriously? or do they cancel often knowing it is not a "need"?
14). Do they do a good job at making you feel cared for and your little age?
15) Aside from Diaper changes. Are they cool with baby baths, and constant diaper checks, bottle feeding?
16). Any typical hard limits, like no poopy diapers, no going outside in public, no cuddling?
17). Is there a typical duration? like 4hrs, 8hrs, longer/shorter?
(obviously every caregiver will be different, just wanting to temper my own expectations)

I'll probably have more questions, but that's all i can think of for now. I would really like to pursue this, but only want to if I am not coming across as a total freak/perv (even though I guess I am) and there is a realistic chance of success.

Obviously a mommy would be preferred, but I'm not naive enough to expect that. I just want to be my little self with someone around who knows and cares. So I can really let go and feel little with no adulting (at least for a few hours).

Thanks for reading and especially thanks for replying

 

[PCBaby]

I have never hired anyone as a caregiver so this is just my personal take on the subject. Firstly, how are you going to conduct interviews?
2. There are a lot of greedy people out there who will accept your money and leave you with nothing.
3, there are a lot of predators out there as well, how are you going to protect yourself, Whilst you wnt a non sexual relationship they may have other ideas, you could be beaten, robbed, raped or worse.
4, They will be providing very intImate and personal services, how can you be sure they will not have a transferable disease?

I found my mummy on fetlife after 4 yaers of searching, we spent the next year texting and skyping, a further 2 years meeting each other in very public places for coffee, shopping, meals etc, before she finally invited me to her house for the first playdate. A paid caregiver is probably only going to be in it for the money rather than a relationship. Having said all that I hope it works out for you.

 

[BDDan]

I have never hired anyone as a caregiver so this is just my personal take on the subject. Firstly, how are you going to conduct interviews?
2. There are a lot of greedy people out there who will accept your money and leave you with nothing.
3, there are a lot of predators out there as well, how are you going to protect yourself, Whilst you wnt a non sexual relationship they may have other ideas, you could be beaten, robbed, raped or worse.
4, They will be providing very intImate and personal services, how can you be sure they will not have a transferable disease?

I found my mummy on fetlife after 4 yaers of searching, we spent the next year texting and skyping, a further 2 years meeting each other in very public places for coffee, shopping, meals etc, before she finally invited me to her house for the first playdate. A paid caregiver is probably only going to be in it for the money rather than a relationship. Having said all that I hope it works out for you.

Initially through email. Then possibly meet in person in a public place to discuss terms and cost.
Re 2/3/4 I would be going through a caregiver/nannying website/service where caregiver's post their resume, rates, age, ethnicity, gender, etc as sole proprietors. They are vetted professional care givers, some with accreditation. I understand they would be doing it for the money and I am not so desperate to be that naive. I'm hoping while initially the visits would be very professional and possibly clinical, I am hoping after time both people warm up and get more comfortable. Also I am large and strong, and have experience with self defence, so I am not too worried about the 50 year old woman I hire raping and robbing me. Not looking to hire a burly dude.

 

[BDDan]

Plus I'm looking for advice from others before I e

I have never hired anyone as a caregiver so this is just my personal take on the subject. Firstly, how are you going to conduct interviews?
2. There are a lot of greedy people out there who will accept your money and leave you with nothing.
3, there are a lot of predators out there as well, how are you going to protect yourself, Whilst you wnt a non sexual relationship they may have other ideas, you could be beaten, robbed, raped or worse.
4, They will be providing very intImate and personal services, how can you be sure they will not have a transferable disease?

I found my mummy on fetlife after 4 yaers of searching, we spent the next year texting and skyping, a further 2 years meeting each other in very public places for coffee, shopping, meals etc, before she finally invited me to her house for the first playdate. A paid caregiver is probably only going to be in it for the money rather than a relationship. Having said all that I hope it works out for you.

Plus I'm looking for advice from others before I even try this.

 

[GermanDL]

Well i think this depends on the country you live at.

I think in Germany that would not be a Problem,
because to pay someone for such a intime job,
would likely be counted as Nursery and would not
be a problem at all, or

maybe (and i hope no Carer here gets me wrong now)
as Prostitution, what would also be legal in germany.
(please don't get me wrong here, i don't think you are or would be
prostitutes, its just what i belief the law may see you as, if you
would get payment for this without being in a relationship,
and without your "Baby" being in need of a nurse.)

Maybe it would count as a completely different thing.

In other Countrys they might see it as one of these things too,
but Prostitution is illegal in some Countrys.

Again i think Carers are wonderful people, and i would love to
have one. You are awesome people, and i wish the world had more
like you

 

[sbmccue]

If there's no sexual activity implied or involved, having someone provide caregiving services isn't illegal. There's no provision in the law (at least, not in the United States) that makes it a crime to solicit care when there's not actually a medical need. If you're soliciting sex, of course, that's another matter.

Depending on where you look for caregivers, it's certainly possible that you will receive negative replies. Caregiver sites like Care.com have very restrictive Terms of Service and, if a member complains, they'll cancel your membership.

Over the past 35 years, I've averaged a positive response for every 2 to 3 prospective babysitters I've contacted. If I'm just responding to, say, a post on a jobs board, that ratio might go down to 1 out of 5 or 6.

Typically, older women and younger women are more receptive. A woman who is in her late 30s or 40s with several children might not be particularly enthused about the job. My current caregiver is in her early 30s; my last nanny was 28 and the one previous to her was 65.

I have not had much luck approaching 'real' nannies. My current caregiver is a nurse in real life, but has also been a nanny for triplet newborns. The two ladies before her had no adult care experience at all. The 28-year-old has a brother-in-law who is an AB, and she was able to watch her sister care for him before she ever came to care for me. Obviously, that's exceedingly rare. Childcare professionals seem to take a dim view of infantilists, for whatever reason.

I can usually tell whether someone will 'work out' long-term after one session. 'Geriatric role-play' is certainly a problem with anyone who's had formal nursing training. Treating an adult as a toddler does not come naturally for most women. Some have physical limitations (too overweight, for example) that make cuddling or bottle-feeding a real challenge.

If the sitter has had no previous adult care experience, I try to have another sitter on hand to show her the mechanics involved. I realize this is difficult for most ABs to manage, but it's often the only way someone without caregiving experience will feel comfortable with the situation.

I think 'genuine' caring comes with time and familiarity. Do not expect a first-time babysitter to be particularly 'genuine.' They'll more likely be anxious and somewhat apprehensive, which is as it should be. 'Genuine' caring requires trust, which in turns requires time and engagement.

I've had nearly 20 babysitters; 6 have been one-timers. Either they or I decided they just weren't a good fit.

A premium hourly rate is almost expected. I typically pay $25 to $35 per hour, depending on the caregiver and her experience. I recently turned down an offer to babysit from a young lady who wanted $50 per hour; she did have adult care experience and has a newborn at home, but I just felt the work was too easy to merit that rate of pay.

If anything, I'm guilty of cancelling more often than the babysitter. That's due to my schedule and work conflicts. Most women find that they genuinely enjoy the work, that the money is 'easy,' and are eager to babysit again and again.

I think how 'good' a job a babysitter does is directly proportionate to her experience. A first-time session is almost always going to fail to live up to expectations.

Every sitter I've had has bathed me, given me bottles, and checked my pants to see if I needed changing. That's just part of the job.

Two or three sitters have had a 'hard limit' with dirty diapers, but they were the exceptions. Most are initially concerned about breastfeeding, which isn't something I'm interested in having provided.

I try to schedule a four-hour session each time. I find that much longer than that creates boredom for both the sitter and I.

I hope that helps!

 

[BDDan]

If there's no sexual activity implied or involved, having someone provide caregiving services isn't illegal. There's no provision in the law (at least, not in the United States) that makes it a crime to solicit care when there's not actually a medical need. If you're soliciting sex, of course, that's another matter.

Depending on where you look for caregivers, it's certainly possible that you will receive negative replies. Caregiver sites like Care.com have very restrictive Terms of Service and, if a member complains, they'll cancel your membership.

Over the past 35 years, I've averaged a positive response for every 2 to 3 prospective babysitters I've contacted. If I'm just responding to, say, a post on a jobs board, that ratio might go down to 1 out of 5 or 6.

Typically, older women and younger women are more receptive. A woman who is in her late 30s or 40s with several children might not be particularly enthused about the job. My current caregiver is in her early 30s; my last nanny was 28 and the one previous to her was 65.

I have not had much luck approaching 'real' nannies. My current caregiver is a nurse in real life, but has also been a nanny for triplet newborns. The two ladies before her had no adult care experience at all. The 28-year-old has a brother-in-law who is an AB, and she was able to watch her sister care for him before she ever came to care for me. Obviously, that's exceedingly rare. Childcare professionals seem to take a dim view of infantilists, for whatever reason.

I can usually tell whether someone will 'work out' long-term after one session. 'Geriatric role-play' is certainly a problem with anyone who's had formal nursing training. Treating an adult as a toddler does not come naturally for most women. Some have physical limitations (too overweight, for example) that make cuddling or bottle-feeding a real challenge.

If the sitter has had no previous adult care experience, I try to have another sitter on hand to show her the mechanics involved. I realize this is difficult for most ABs to manage, but it's often the only way someone without caregiving experience will feel comfortable with the situation.

I think 'genuine' caring comes with time and familiarity. Do not expect a first-time babysitter to be particularly 'genuine.' They'll more likely be anxious and somewhat apprehensive, which is as it should be. 'Genuine' caring requires trust, which in turns requires time and engagement.

I've had nearly 20 babysitters; 6 have been one-timers. Either they or I decided they just weren't a good fit.

A premium hourly rate is almost expected. I typically pay $25 to $35 per hour, depending on the caregiver and her experience. I recently turned down an offer to babysit from a young lady who wanted $50 per hour; she did have adult care experience and has a newborn at home, but I just felt the work was too easy to merit that rate of pay.

If anything, I'm guilty of cancelling more often than the babysitter. That's due to my schedule and work conflicts. Most women find that they genuinely enjoy the work, that the money is 'easy,' and are eager to babysit again and again.

I think how 'good' a job a babysitter does is directly proportionate to her experience. A first-time session is almost always going to fail to live up to expectations.

Every sitter I've had has bathed me, given me bottles, and checked my pants to see if I needed changing. That's just part of the job.

Two or three sitters have had a 'hard limit' with dirty diapers, but they were the exceptions. Most are initially concerned about breastfeeding, which isn't something I'm interested in having provided.

I try to schedule a four-hour session each time. I find that much longer than that creates boredom for both the sitter and I.

I hope that helps!

Man thank you for such an in depth reply. It is very very appreciated! A couple of quick follow up questions.

When you say you post on a jobs board, are you talking like a caregiving type website where caregivers post their resume/work experience to solicit work? You mentioned care.com? I live in Canada and would just look for Canadian equivalents.
Also I assume you don't hide your identity?
When you mention having a new nanny on hand to get tips from the experienced one, is that when you're transitioning from one caregiver to the next? or did you hire two one with more of a nursing background to show the inexperienced one the tricks of the trade?
Were the nannies that brought up breastfeeding, assuming that was something you wanted? Were they at all warm to it? Not going to lie, I love a good suckle, but I think I would only want that from my partner (but I don't know).
Do you have any advice on how to breach the AB subject in your job post(s)? Are you blunt about it or are you more subtle? In the draft I am working on, I am kind of being more subtle, at least trying not to use the phrase "Adult Baby", but maybe I should. I am also making a point to say ***THIS IS IN NO WAY SEXUAL!!!*** To hopefully get more serious considerations.

Thanks again!!!!

 

[sbmccue]

I've had surprisingly good luck with the "Gigs" section on Craigslist ... and also some complete disasters. I do hide my identity, because I'm a public figure. So I exchange a good deal of email before I tell the lady who I really am. I've also used Gumtree and other boards. I always meet in person, preferably twice. I cannot stress that point enough.

When I had the experienced nanny on hand to teach the new babysitter, I was transitioning from one to the other. Neither had any adult care experience. The older lady - who babysat me for about 5 years - learned by doing, but I felt it important to have her demonstrate to a younger caregiver.

Prospective sitters will almost always bring up breastfeeding, and most wanted to make sure our time together did not include it. I did have a 20-something CNA years ago just pull her top up and bra down and offer me her breast. She was a bit of a free spirit; I can't recall anyone else who's done the same thing.

As I've mentioned in previous threads, I always start an ISO-type post with a headline like "ISO Nursing Student, CNA or Frustrated Actress" and I mention in the post itself that I'm seeking someone with both adult- and childcare experience. I make a point of saying that the work isn't hard and involves "nothing illegal, immoral or fattening." That gets the 'no sex' point across without my having to say so, and has the added benefit of almost always inducing a smile on the part of the reader.

 

[BDDan]

I've had surprisingly good luck with the "Gigs" section on Craigslist ... and also some complete disasters. I do hide my identity, because I'm a public figure. So I exchange a good deal of email before I tell the lady who I really am. I've also used Gumtree and other boards. I always meet in person, preferably twice. I cannot stress that point enough.

When I had the experienced nanny on hand to teach the new babysitter, I was transitioning from one to the other. Neither had any adult care experience. The older lady - who babysat me for about 5 years - learned by doing, but I felt it important to have her demonstrate to a younger caregiver.

Prospective sitters will almost always bring up breastfeeding, and most wanted to make sure our time together did not include it. I did have a 20-something CNA years ago just pull her top up and bra down and offer me her breast. She was a bit of a free spirit; I can't recall anyone else who's done the same thing.

As I've mentioned in previous threads, I always start an ISO-type post with a headline like "ISO Nursing Student, CNA or Frustrated Actress" and I mention in the post itself that I'm seeking someone with both adult- and childcare experience. I make a point of saying that the work isn't hard and involves "nothing illegal, immoral or fattening." That gets the 'no sex' point across without my having to say so, and has the added benefit of almost always inducing a smile on the part of the reader.

Man you're amazing. I agree the humour route is probably a good tactic. Thanks for that tip! What does ISO stand for? Thanks again.

 

[sbmccue]

In Search Of

 

[BabyMarcinho]

sbmccue , do you have any print of some ad . I also think about someday hiring a babysitter for me , but don't know how to do the ad and what to ask

 

[sbmccue]

The last ad I posted on Craigslist (which cost me all of $5) was headed with "ISO Nursing Student or CNA for Unusual Part-time Work."

Unfortunately, I don't archive things I post and this was more than a year ago.

 

[BabyMarcinho]

What is the meaning of CNA ?

 

[sbmccue]

Certified Nurse Assistant, Certified Nurse Aid or Certified Nursing Assistant.

 

[BabyMarcinho]

Thank you

 

[BabyMarcinho]

If I made an ad saying that I'm looking for a babysitter it would work ?

 

[sbmccue]

Most women are going to assume that you are looking for a sitter for a baby or a child. Obviously, neither is the case, and respondents will likely think they’re the victim of a bait and switch scheme. However, this isn’t an absolute science and there are no sugar things. That’s why I use the header I mentioned, because it has a broad appeal to women who have had adult care experience.

 

[BabyMarcinho]

Hmmm that's a good point . But aren't you afraid of being banned of Craiglist , when do you reveal that you wanna be treated as a baby?

 

[BDDan]

I've had surprisingly good luck with the "Gigs" section on Craigslist ... and also some complete disasters. I do hide my identity, because I'm a public figure. So I exchange a good deal of email before I tell the lady who I really am. I've also used Gumtree and other boards. I always meet in person, preferably twice. I cannot stress that point enough.

When I had the experienced nanny on hand to teach the new babysitter, I was transitioning from one to the other. Neither had any adult care experience. The older lady - who babysat me for about 5 years - learned by doing, but I felt it important to have her demonstrate to a younger caregiver.

Prospective sitters will almost always bring up breastfeeding, and most wanted to make sure our time together did not include it. I did have a 20-something CNA years ago just pull her top up and bra down and offer me her breast. She was a bit of a free spirit; I can't recall anyone else who's done the same thing.

As I've mentioned in previous threads, I always start an ISO-type post with a headline like "ISO Nursing Student, CNA or Frustrated Actress" and I mention in the post itself that I'm seeking someone with both adult- and childcare experience. I make a point of saying that the work isn't hard and involves "nothing illegal, immoral or fattening." That gets the 'no sex' point across without my having to say so, and has the added benefit of almost always inducing a smile on the part of the reader.

So the fishing line is in the ocean! Have had one response (I think from someone who is from India and English as a 2nd language). I posted on Craigslist. I was explicit in saying "requiring someone with experience in Adult and Child Care" they seem to have been a nurse overseas and is a student now in Canada. I am guessing they couldn't read between the lines. How do you broach the subject of wanting to be taken care of as a child? Thanks again for your advice.

 

[sbmccue]

I've never had any problems with Craigslist, although I've only found a handful of sitters there. I think what we're looking for is quite tame in comparison to many who post. For example, I quite often see someone wanting a nude housekeeper.

I write a very nebulous initial post, and to those who respond with more than a word or two, I write a somewhat longer response. I first build credibility by telling them a little about myself, then tell them I'm an infantilist and explain the care I'm seeking. I wrap up the response by asking them to let me know if they have questions or interest.

One important point: I never mention diapers in the original post or the response. In fact, I make a habit of not mentioning diapers at all unless the lady brings them up. I might tell her I have a crib and a highchair, for example, but I n-e-v-e-r mention she'll be changing diapers until she asks.

On Craigslist, in particular, you're far more likely to receive 'spam' responses, either from women who are nowhere near you or from cyberstalkers or criminals with no one else to target. I always ask in the original post for some background - experience, education, etc. - and if I don't get it in their reply, I typically do not respond. Also beware of women who send their photo to you in their first reply; usually, they are spammers as well.

Unfortunately, the current generation of women are more apt to respond with a '?' than with a complete sentence. I usually have enough replies that I don't have to answer those who can't even manage a syllable.