Don't Smother Me: Lessons from a failed ASD friendship

[PadPhilosopher]

I had a recent experience where I tried to strike up a friendship with a person who has an ASD. We had some common interests, and when we started chatting, it seemed initially like things would go well. But then they didn't. The person fairly early said that I was overtexting, so I sent fewer messages. It still was too much, and I was causing stress. This was highly puzzling to me. There was a lot of attempts from both directions to explain things and reach some understanding. After one particular explanation, and I left thinking we're ok, out of the blue an hour and a half later this person sends me a message that I'm not respecting boundaries and stop contacting them. Clearly this person had reviewed our chats in between discussions and reached that conclusion. My desperate efforts to understand met the last thing this person ever said to me: "You're doing it again."

Once I got over the shock, I was completely baffled by this for a day and a half. I'm the type of person who will think about things like this, asking myself what went wrong, what was the disconnect, and what I could have done differently so that my attempts to be friendly and kind wouldn't have been seen as disrespectful. Then this morning I finally understood what this person had been trying for days to tell me, and why my attempts to be friendly had been seen as otherwise.

I am someone who has a lot of words. When I get a thought process going, I often dump thoughts stream-of-consciousness, often with multiple sends without waiting for a reply. As soon as I hit send, another thing comes to me that I would have included in the last message, if I had thought of it in time. This can go on for 3 or 4 messages (or more) easily in an IM format chat. Also, I'm a fast typer. To me, it is a contribution to the shared conversational experience. In other situations, I can send something, thinking the other person is likely busy but will reply whenever it suits them, and then a few minutes later think of something else and send that along, and so on. Again, just a contribution to the conversation. To this person, these behaviors didn't feel like that at all. They felt like extra stress, extra pressure, and in the long run, badgering. By sending more messages without waiting for a reply, they felt like demands; every additional message represented an ever escalating demand for a response until the person felt so badgered that they cut me out of their life.

I can't blame the person at all; I can only blame myself for being so slow to understand what I was being told. I didn't understand what was meant until two days too late. If I weren't the type of person who mulls things like that essentially forever until I get a solution, I don't think I ever would have. But now understanding how my well-meaning behavior made this person feel, I completely understand the response. I was always sorry for having upset the person, but now that I understand how, I'm doubly so. The outcome was entirely avoidable; I just didn't understand the effect my behavior was having on the person.

I suppose no experience, however sad, is a total loss if we can learn from it. Still I'm sad that what should have been a nice friendship was ruined by my failure to understand in time to adapt. I wish I had understood in time. I wish I could try again, now that I do understand. I can't redo the past, but I will certainly use this understanding to be more considerate in future interactions.

 

[LePew]

There's nothing wrong with your method of communicating. Your posts are always well thought-out, well written, structured, constructive, and considerate.

While you might have some idea of what's going through this person's head, you don't really know, there might be more to it than you think. Not all people are in control over their mind, some people's thoughts are drowned out with the static of anxiety, inattentiveness, apathy, and suspicion. Some people hear voices chiming in to comment on their interactions. Some people analyse every word and view their alternative meanings through the lens of their insecurities. Some people struggle to have a constructive conversation as they see each statement as an attack that they must defend against. Some people are suffering from side effects of their medications, withdrawal, addiction, some suffering from emotional injuries that never healed. Some people don't care about what you have to say, you're wasting their time.

There's a lot of people out there who don't want you to waste their time, they don't care. There's so many people out there suffering from mental illness, high on drugs, withdrawal, or prescription meds. There's plenty of people out there who you're just not compatible with.
You gotta know when to walk away. You're better off putting your time and energy into people who are worth it and can reciprocate your efforts with positivity.

This isn't a 'you' issue. Don't change who you are for some schmuck who doesn't give 2 shits about you.

Perhaps my approach to this isn't very empathetic but frankly, I don't care. My mission isn't to mend every broken person I come across or convince anyone who catches my fancy to be my friend. Life is too short for that and I only have so much energy to go around. You've gotta recognize who's worth your time and who isn't, call your loses, and move on.

 

[PadPhilosopher]

There's nothing wrong with your method of communicating. Your posts are always well thought-out, well written, structured, constructive, and considerate.

While you might have some idea of what's going through this person's head, you don't really know, there might be more to it than you think. Not all people are in control over their mind, some people's thoughts are drowned out with the static of anxiety, inattentiveness, apathy, and suspicion. Some people hear voices chiming in to comment on their interactions. Some people analyse every word and view their alternative meanings through the lens of their insecurities. Some people struggle to have a constructive conversation as they see each statement as an attack that they must defend against. Some people are suffering from side effects of their medications, withdrawal, addiction, some suffering from emotional injuries that never healed. Some people don't care about what you have to say, you're wasting their time.

There's a lot of people out there who don't want you to waste their time, they don't care. There's so many people out there suffering from mental illness, high on drugs, withdrawal, or prescription meds. There's plenty of people out there who you're just not compatible with.
You gotta know when to walk away. You're better off putting your time and energy into people who are worth it and can reciprocate your efforts with positivity.

This isn't a 'you' issue. Don't change who you are for some schmuck who doesn't give 2 shits about you.

Perhaps my approach to this isn't very empathetic but frankly, I don't care. My mission isn't to mend every broken person I come across or convince anyone who catches my fancy to be my friend. Life is too short for that and I only have so much energy to go around. You've gotta recognize who's worth your time and who isn't, call your loses, and move on.

Thank you for the kind words about me and my words. I'm honored that you would say what you did.

I'm aware there's nothing "wrong" with the way I communicate generally, although a freeform chat does look quite structurally different than my posts here, due to the instantaneous nature. I'm also aware that many people have noises in their head which make them hear things differently. In essence, this thought process is not about what I did "wrong," but about what I could have done differently, or "better" in this particular situation with this particular person to have a better outcome. It is precisely because I am aware of the fact that some people have challenges inside their own heads hindering communication that I wish I had been more thoughtful and understanding with mine.

I do have a very good idea of what was going through this person's head, because I was being told all along. I simply failed to understand it right away because the person's experience was so foreign to my own, so it took awhile to make sense of the statements I was receiving. What from me was a gift was to the other person a bombardment. So many times in life, the meaning people receive from communication has much less to do with what we say than with how it is said. I had never imagined that the logistical structure could matter so much, but to this person, it did.

Don't worry; I won't change who I am. It's nice to know that someone thinks I'm OK! Learning to communicate more effectively in certain situations isn't a change to who I am, but a change of method to allow me to hopefully be more effective in certain situations. I know I can't "mend every broken person I come across or convince anyone who catches my fancy to be my friend," and I've never tried to do that. However, if I can help someone just by being a friend and structuring my communication so that it works better for the other person, it makes sense to do that. Everyone gains from better communication.

 

[Jorelaxed]

You are perfectly fine!, nothing wrong with you.
You are very respectful when you communicate with your posts.

 

[PadPhilosopher]

You are perfectly fine!, nothing wrong with you.
You are very respectful when you communicate with your posts.

Thanks, but it's not the posts that were in question. It was the SMS-style IM format communication. I know there's nothing wrong with me; I am just sorry I didn't understand how to structure the other format so that the other person could process it.

 

[ShyGirl91]

I think @LePew Said this well. While I can see where things are coming from on both sides with how you explained it, I also see how there's nothing wrong with how you communicate and that there are things on the other person's end they need to work on in themselves.
We all have things that make us who we are from past experiences and such. Sometimes they are good and sometimes bad and unhealthy.
It's always sad to lose a friend or someone we care about, however reciprocal it may be; however, our ways of doing things aren't for everybody but there's always somebody who can relate and/or accept you for you.
To me, this sounds like your communication style. It doesn't sound like you were pressuring them to respond (you weren't asking why they weren't responding, badgering them to answer sooner, etc.).
They could have asked for clarification but they didn't. They could have also helped take the pressure they felt off themselves by waiting to respond when they were able. Sounds to me that they put a lot of pressure on themselves by thinking they needed to respond every second, although I could be wrong.
The person didn't take accountability for themselves and ask themselves why they felt so smothered, instead, choosing to cut out what could have been a wonderful friendship due to a lack of communication and self exploration.
And that's their loss.
Personally, I'd be thrilled to have a friend who sends more than one word replies and gives heart felt responses.
I think they missed out.

 

[PadPhilosopher]

I think @LePew Said this well. While I can see where things are coming from on both sides with how you explained it, I also see how there's nothing wrong with how you communicate and that there are things on the other person's end they need to work on in themselves.
We all have things that make us who we are from past experiences and such. Sometimes they are good and sometimes bad and unhealthy.
It's always sad to lose a friend or someone we care about, however reciprocal it may be; however, our ways of doing things aren't for everybody but there's always somebody who can relate and/or accept you for you.
To me, this sounds like your communication style. It doesn't sound like you were pressuring them to respond (you weren't asking why they weren't responding, badgering them to answer sooner, etc.).
They could have asked for clarification but they didn't. They could have also helped take the pressure they felt off themselves by waiting to respond when they were able. Sounds to me that they put a lot of pressure on themselves by thinking they needed to respond every second, although I could be wrong.
The person didn't take accountability for themselves and ask themselves why they felt so smothered, instead, choosing to cut out what could have been a wonderful friendship due to a lack of communication and self exploration.
And that's their loss.
Personally, I'd be thrilled to have a friend who sends more than one word replies and gives heart felt responses.
I think they missed out.

Wow. That means a lot to me, especially knowing the struggles you've had "Lately." No, I wasn't doing anything specifically demanding, and I agree that the other person was not responding to the situation rationally, but I'm sure you can appreciate that sometimes.....people just aren't rational. I'm not blaming myself for the outcome, but I am sad that I didn't understand sooner the effect my style was having on a troubled heart. It would have been so simple to restructure my communication so that the person could receive it, if I had only understood to do so. Sometimes we need someone to understand where we are, so we can get to where we need to be. I do understand......too late.

 

[LePew]

The person didn't take accountability for themselves and ask themselves why they felt so smothered, instead, choosing to cut out what could have been a wonderful friendship due to a lack of communication and self exploration.
And that's their loss.

That's it right there.

 

[LePew]

I'm going to take this one step further and say that this person might have just done you a favor by checking themselves out of your life.

 

[PadPhilosopher]

I'm going to take this one step further and say that this person might have just done you a favor by checking themselves out of your life.

Well, there's little question that they made my life simpler, however I lost someone interesting, and the opportunity to show kindness to someone who really needed it. When a starving kitten runs away and refuses my help, I am not burdened with its care, but it's still sad to me to know that it's still suffering. If I later realize that something clumsy I did spooked it, it's sadder still. It's not precisely my fault, and it is one less thing on my plate, but it still bothers me. I'm just like that.

 

[Edgewater]

One of the realities of being Human is that we are not born with all the answers. We spend a lifetime learning and during that long time, opportunities present themselves. The reality is we miss opportunities or fail to move out of the way and are hit unprepared. The great part of being Human, is that we can pass that knowledge on to others and with great hope they can gain the knowledge and use it!

Being able to accept that the vast number of opportunities will be missed and far too many painful hits will happen is a reality of being Human. Accepting oneself as being Human and committing to continue to learn is a small piece of salvation that one can carry and pass on to others!

Our forgiving ourselves and accepting we are Human allows us to be a better person tomorrow!