I don't really have a choice as I am UIC and while occasionally I will be able to go in a toilet (those occasions are dwindling though, slowly) I am going to be like a faucet left on while asleep and have absolutely zero control over this happening.
In your case, wear what makes you happy, comfortable and if it excites you sexually, wear diapers to bed every night. Where's the harm in doing so? I can understand this as even though I wish I didn't NEED to wear, I don't dislike wearing diapers. I simply HATE that I HAVE TO. Hopefully this makes sense. I mean, diapers ARE comfortable. I don't know anyone who wears who doesn't find them comfortable. They may be mentally uncomfortable to a lot of people, but that's neither here nor there.
I believe you simply have to come to terms with yourself, your desires, likes and dislikes. Once you accept yourself for who you are, you will not have doubts or be questioning yourself. You won't have any issues, either, unless you have a partner who is opposed to you wearing diapers without a physical need. From what you wrote I get the feeling that's not the case here, so wear every night. Wear full time (discreetly) if that's going to make you happier. There's countless members on this forum who do this already, so it's not like you'll be an aberration or anything.
I also fully understand your attraction, as I was without a doubt a DL since before I was fully potty trained and I'm in rarified air in that I have vivid recollections of the countless times I'd intentionally "load" my Pamper even though I was fully potty trained for "pooping on the potty" and was able to do it by myself although I didn't know how to remove my Pamper without destroying it and I never was able to put another Pamper on by myself. I knew when i had to poop and was only in Pampers as I hadn't got peeing in the potty down and had continuous pee accidents. I also remember being changed and scolded when I'd intentionally poop my pants. I remember intentionally not pooping on the potty even when my Mom would make me sit on it for 20+ minutes. I'd swear I couldn't poop and the minute she would put me to bed for a nap or for the night and I heard her footsteps go downstairs, I'd load my Pampers and sleep in it. Sure I was spanked (nothing abusive) when I'd do this and this went on for however many months it took before I was able to not pee my pants. I do know I was out of Pampers before I turned three, including at night. Still, I was continuously caught snagging used (wet only) Pampers out of the trash that my younger brother wore, hiding behind the dilapidated old shed in our back yard and put them on, pull up my underwear and pants and play with my Tonka trucks and matchboxes. I never once got away with doing that! I fully understand how I was caught now, after having kids of my own as the instant you can't physically see them in the yard, you're looking for them to make sure they're safe and not getting into something you don't want them to get into but as a youngster I had no clue HOW I kept getting caught doing this! I also used to line my underwear with a BUNCH of toilet paper and poop my pants and believe I was caught every single time with the final time being when I was 6, 7 or maybe even 8 years old. That resulted in my Mom grabbing a Pamper off of the shelf in the bathroom (there was 4 families living next to each other who all had kids between my age to infants, so each Mom would babysit a group while the others went shopping or out somewhere) and thankfully the Pampers wouldn't fit me! I thought that was the end until I was called back and my mom had my dad give her the only tape he had in the house which was black electrical tape. I wound up being made to wear Pampers with a black electrical tape waistband for 3 nights and 2 days and was not allowed to take them off to go to the bathroom and was FORCED to go outside to play with the other kids wearing nothing but that Pamper with the electrical tape fastening it around my waist! That resulted in my total humiliation, crying and BEGGING my mother to let me take it off and not being allowed to. By some miracle I managed to hold my poop in for the entire time but I had to pee in them and go to my mom or another mom to be changed! It was a catastrophic failure on my behalf and I learned how to never be caught again, and as far as I am aware, I never was, but the desire to wear diapers never went away no matter how hard I tried to bury that deep down inside of me! So yes, I understand how you feel. I wound up as the roughest, toughest, physically strongest beast in the area and I was in well over a couple hundred full blown fist fights. I grew up in a VIOLENTLY ROUGH town and I was bullied mercilessly as a kid until I became "me". I also had something I prefer to not even think about let alone talk about happen to me when I was 8 or 9 and THAT DROVE ME to become the toughest, biggest (build)/fastest best fighter in the area, drove me to lift weights which culminated in me blowing my goals out of the water later in life and I was bench pressing over 500lbs weeks before I got sick weeks before my 34th birthday....drove me to join the wrestling team not only to wrestle, but to learn every single bit of information I could use in a fight! Once I learned I could MUTILATE my bullies and just about anyone else who would try to bully me I began "HUNTING" other bullies. I wouldn't even have to know a kid who was being bullied to force myself into that equation. I can't tell you how many times I had the bully beg me to not give them a problem and my response would be that you forced this kid to deal with you as a problem and now I'm doing it to you. I beat the ever living shit out of more guys than I can ever recall. Knowing this, I tried SO HARD to rid myself of my desire to wear and use diapers as I could only imagine getting caught wearing/using diapers as the "tough guy" as that there would had ended my life as I knew it and had built it into. I don't believe it is possible to suppress whatever desires one is engrained with from birth or their development! I used to bust people's balls for being different until i came to terms with the fact that for whatever reason, I used to LOVE wearing diapers. Sadly I encountered devastating health issues and now HAVE to wear diapers and believe me, I'd give just about anything to not HAVE TO wear!!!! Needing to wear diapers is a lot of work and potentially devastating. Thankfully, everyone in my life understands why I have to wear so there is no devastation to my reputation as a man but still, I'm not a fan of needing to wear and as a matter of fact I hate what happened to my body, my life etc.... With that being said, I don't hate wearing diapers, only hate the fact that I have to.
I hope this look into who I am helps you in some way. I know you're fighting with yourself. You have to come to terms with who you are. Once you do, your problems about trying to figure this out will slowly go away and you'll be a happier person for this. Just know that you have to disclose this to whoever you get into a relationship with as it is not fair to them for you to hide this only to spring it on them once you have a solid relationship. How you go about that and when you decide to tell your partner about this is another story but it's not fair to them to hide this only to have it rear its' head down the road once you're in an established relationship. People have been divorced over this and I'll bet that this was a major issue that helped lead to a divorce that wouldn't have been such a big deal if the person would had disclosed this to their partner early in the relationship. That being said if the person can't accept that part of who you are, it isn't meant to be between the two of you.
OK...I'm getting a little long winded here but I hope this helps you out. Feel free to ask me any questions.
CptKirk
