depression this time a year

[dogboy]

A 'little' alone for Christmas again...

Since my mother's death, this has become a troubling time of year. While for the most part, I've made my piece with it. Although, when my thoughts start to wander, the hurt comes back fresh. My sister on the other hand... Unfortunately, this time of year has become an excuse to isolate from everyone and it makes me very sad.

In the past, the roles were reversed. She was having fun with her family, and I was the one alone. Unfortunately, her past set her up for a fall. Her family is all but gone these days. She's alone and finds all the excuses to be alone. Especially during the Christmas time. When the roles were reversed, I made an effort to attend her Thanksgiving and Christmas parties. It's a little selfish, but I feel like I built up some "equity" there. Sometimes forcing yourself to attend family gatherings can be a positive, even when it's troublesome for you. It's not against the law to not enjoy your siblings' family gatherings.

Since our mother died, she's turned inwards. I can relate to that because I turned inward when the roles were revered. This just seems to be the whole she wants to live in these days and it hurts me.

As for me being alone on Christmas. Well not totally alone. My roommate is practically a family member since we've been together so long. I try to think back to the most loving times with my mother still alive during Christmas time. That was her time to shine of course. Big tree, stockings, presents, warm light and nice music. Those times have become faded memories. I ended up with all her Christmas decorations and of course, the embroidered stockings with all our names on them.

It's troubling because I wouldn't dare bring them out, and my sister wouldn't dare look at them. We both have different reasons why. We both inherited my mother's deep-seated anxiety and it still rules us today. Because of that, I usually have blinders on during the holidays. Past a certain point in my life, it's become just another day. For my sister, it's become something deeply shameful and I'm left feeling useless against it.

My good friend and roommate is the only reason we have a tree in fact. Perhaps my little side is truly too vulnerable to see any joy during Christmas like when I was a child. My friend's spirits are high though, and we did wrap presents for each other. LEGOs for all! LOL

Sometimes, just having and keeping these items is enough because they remain in your heart. My wife and I had the most wonderful tree ornaments. We would buy an expensive ornament for each other every Christmas and we'd decorate the tree together while I played church Christmas music through the stereo system. When she died, I couldn't put up the tree but I still have the ornaments and I can still see them and the tree in my mind as if it's still there. When you think about it, without our memories, what are we?

 

[foxkits]

Does anyone else get depressed this time of the year and why. I feel like Ebenezer Scrooge. For real I do not do gifts I have not put a tree up in almost 10 years. I just hate how everyone makes it about santa and gifts. My daughter is 28 and she was never Told that santa was real. Christmas is about the birth of my lord and savior. It hurts my hurt to see how many people totally dis regard Jesus in their life and instead make believe about a fat pedophile i a red suite.
It makes me so mad as I loved Christmas when I was a little kid. What was santa going to leave under the tree. My parents tried to force that shit on me up through the 6th grade. I was like if they are lying about santa and the Easter bunny then how do the expect I take Jesus serious. I do believe in Jesus and as such I never tried to lie and confuse my daughter. Besides When I got her a gift I want her to know it cam from me because I love and respect her. now my grand son will be 1 year the end of January and my daughter has chosen not to tell santa lies to him. I am having severe gastroparesis attacks this week end so I plan on doing nothing but staying in bed. I did send my grandson a small gift just because I am not heartless. But I cant stand to listen to one more fake christmas song about santa a snow man or flying reindeer the rest of my life.

Am I wrong to only want to say a birthday prayer to Jesus and forget the rest. I mean I genuinely get depressed and say fuck it. from Thanks giving to new years I am just in a grumpy mood. It is like I see the world for what it has became and Christmas is more fake now than ever.. People driving up $1000's in credit card debt just to exchange a gift.


Anyway if you do not believe in God that is up to you but please do not leave hateful comments about my Lord in the comments. I would love to hear if any other Christians fill depressed or do you go all in. I feel so wrong for being depressed but it is all so fake. Even the real Christmas songs people do not here or believe the words. It is just a reminded how bad the world is lost and every year it is worse and worse.

No hate . Young children the world is a wander yes it makes parents feel good to do things that there is a Santa. They love doing magical things for there children. They only are young for a very short time.
If It gives them something it's fine
Children's soon enough learn things and truths. It's the rest you can guide them. Like making paper gifts for those in nursing homes donate there old toys for the under privileged children.
Christ wants us to love one another.
If you teach your grand son no Santa please don't let him it ruin it for other children. That unkind to the other kids that do. No one likes a child that is a know it all.
Your walk with God is your own walk as every one else is there's. Jesus didn't.

 

[Diaperman95]

The first Christmas after my wife died, I emotionally crashed. It was a living nightmare. The second year was almost as bad. By the third year, I was beginning to come out of the deep depression, Now, after six years I have tolerable days and some days which are not so good.

My wife was the one who coaxed Christmas gift ideas out of our adult kids. She wrapped all the presents and wrote all the Christmas cards. She gave personalized Christmas ornaments to our kids and their kids when we all got together for Thanksgiving. She was so thoughtful and amazing. When she died, I thought I had to do the same thing but I just couldn't. I had the 100 mile stare. I did manage to buy presents and wrap them, but I felt like I was a visitor visiting Christmas when I was with my kids.

Now I do some Christmas decorating in the house and I play Christmas music while house cleaning. But all the memories of Christmas pasts are always present. I think Christmas celebration is for children, and some of my best Christmas memories are from when I was a kid and when our children were young and still living at home. I wish I could go back in time but that's impossible, so I try to stay busy and not dwell on what can never be.

Today I directed our church choir and played a lot of church Christmas music and that always has great meaning for me. If I didn't have my faith, I can't imagine what state of mind I would be in.

My heart is with you. I good buddy of mine lost his wife a few months back. I cant imagine I have kinda grown fond of the old girl. Lol Faith is the only real thing I can count on. I have seen to many miracles in my life to not have faith in the Lord. People that say otherwise have just had their heart hardened by this messed up world and are to busy focusing on the bad stuff to see the miracles of Christ. But I guess that is the plan the devil has in these end days we are living. Merry Christmas my Friend. I am sure your wife is looking over listening to your beautiful music. You will meet again one day.

 

[Diaperman95]

Maybe a long time ago I would have encouraged you to let the holy spirit fix you and let the love of Jesus fill your heart.

In the state I'm in now, I'd like to ask you if you might have seasonal affectation disorder? It's a lack of vitamin D in one's system. I tried using vitamin D supplements for years and it was okay, but then someone suggested a "happy light" I found on Amazon and got delivered the same day last January. That thing has been an absolute game changer for me in the winter!!!

A few dozen minutes every day or two with this happy light allows my eyes to produce vitamin D and I feel fantastic. I am working out at the gym regularly by choice and I don't feel depressed or run-down in the grey winter.

I wish you well and hope that you find a way out of your current feelings. Merry Christmas!

I am on vitamin D tabs for a while. It is just this world around. me that makes me depressed. That and being sick and in pain all the time does not help. I think thinking back to how happy I was as kid this time of year makes me hate myself for falling for all the fake BS then.

Then again as much as my old bones hate the winter I really do not get much sun. Of course I fatigue so fast in the heat anymore so summer is not as much fun either. It sucks to get old. I hate feeling like I am a bitter old man but this world sure is beating me into it. I Love the fact I have a open place t talk without no real judgement. Even though we are all here for different reasons we are always there for each other. Merry Christmas to you and to my ADIS Family.