theancientmariner
Est. Contributor
- Messages
- 3,971
- Role
- Diaper Lover
If this has to be moved, pease do it for me, as I couldn't find a more suitable place for it.
Been going through internal turmoil like you wouldn't believe. Have no clue what my immediate future holds. I have no privacy at my house, it used to be a place I loved, but it turned into my personal hell, and there I was working for my best friends, driving for Amazon, miserable as could be. Didn't have time to go to the bathroom without them breathing down my neck. Had to call and report when I woke up, when I was on the way to work, when I got my route, when I checked out of Amazon with my freight, and when I was almost done. I smoked a lot of weed throughout my routes to maybe make myself happier, but it was just about useless. I was happy when I smoked, but it was the reality itself that I had to live in that made me so unhappy. So I quit without saying anything. I just left and ghosted them (bad move on my part, I know, but seriously, I had enough. To make you understand my situation, I'd have to explain my entire childhood to make you understand).
I then went to the internet, and found a job I've been doing for the past 2 months that I've wanted to do my whole life. And it may end abruptly. Termination has been hanging over my head stronger and stronger, and it may be the end for me. I've learned a lot about myself here, and I appreciate the captain for showing me who I truly am inside: a mentally challenged useless person. I've never been diagnosed, but I'm pretty sure I may be autistic. It's hard coming to terms with myself and knowing who I truly am. I have a hard time completing simple tasks, I get easily distracted, and though I listen with intentions of following orders, my mind sometimes can't comprehend. Those are no traits a fisherman should have. There's no place for people who can't think straight here on the water. It's sad because this is a job I've wanted since I was a young boy. It won't be long before I'm walking back to dry land with all my belongings, going to God knows where in a town thousands of miles from home. I can't fail, but I know my ice is thin. I'll be canned and the only person I'll have to blame is myself. I can't help myself, no matter how hard I try to be better. My spirit is strong, and I have so much pride in my work, but it won't be enough.
I also have mommy issues. My whole life, I have had a mother that never cared about me. She took us away from our dad, and enslaved us to work on her farm while she sat on her throne watching us do it all, rain or shine, and it didn't matter how cold it was, or how tired we were. If the water wasn't up all the way, she would lock us out of the house during summer and make us drink from the muddy hose until she went to bed. She's done way worse than that to my sisters, and one of them only calls her by her 1st name. (deservingly so), and my plan is to talk to her about all the bad she's done, and ask why she did those things, but I have no clue how to do it. I don't even want to talk to her, but I have to. (I'm not asking for advise, just stating facts).
I don't want to take pills because I don't want any drugs. I've tried counseling, but could never find one that was able to help me. So that leaves religion. And I can't be religious because I'm a bad person who takes the lord's name in vain so much, and I have so much hate in my heart. Hate for myself, and resentment towards my mom. How can someone like they deserve Gods love and forgiveness? I used to be happy, and have hope for the future I until I realized I would be alone for the rest of my life. The only reason I'm not a virgin is because escorts exist. I lost it just to lose it. There was no love, no compassion. Only a transaction of cash and fake smiles. There's never been anyone who encouraged me, who told me I can, and will. Only voices that said I won't, I can't , and I'll never. I've tried online dating, but it never went anywhere. I was always ghosted and left alone. I never knew why, so after years of trying, I gave up, and decided to live in solitude. The only safe place I can be. It's been decided that nobody will ever want me, or want to be with me. My life has been tragic, and sad from the very start. How can God give me such a horrible mother? She was supposed to nurture me, care for me, love me, teach me, and be there for me. God trusted her to be a mother, but she neglected us all.
The only form of love I've ever known is from wearing diapers. Sounds weird to find your comfort in a thing made for babies, but when I'm padded, it brings me happiness I can't find anywhere else in this world. My heart wants to be loved, but I can't do it anymore. There isn't anything desirable to me, so I lock myself away, and let the world go on. It's the only I can assure nobody'll make me feel any pain. But I can't. I have to work to afford my shitty place and buy the things I need to stay alive. Why do we have to be slaves to the world? Your whole life, you're a slave. You're a slave to your parents, the school you go to, then you bow down to your boss until you're 67. Then at that point, you have 20 years to live your life, and at that point, your body is worn out from all the straining, and working, you can't do anything anymore. You're all used up. You're useless. That's the life we have to live, and I just don't want to do it. I want to be free. I want freedom from everything. But that's just a childish dream, but what if it's coming from a 35 year old? Dose it still count as a boyish dream then? There hasn't been a point in my life where I was genuinely happy. I've always wanted more. I wanted love, but I never got it. You don't know what it's like to be that guy. So go ahead laugh. Laugh like everybody else has when I left the room. I really don't care anymore. I really don't. I don't want to be part of anything anymore. I don't want to form bonds, don't want to make friends because I've never had any, and I don't want to go to any parties, because no matter how much I tried, I was never enough. I just wanted a place to be accepted, and this is the only place I can talk about things, and be part of something. So this is my happy place. This is where I go to be part of a wonderful community that accepts people and makes everyone feel welcome. It's the only one I have.
Been going through internal turmoil like you wouldn't believe. Have no clue what my immediate future holds. I have no privacy at my house, it used to be a place I loved, but it turned into my personal hell, and there I was working for my best friends, driving for Amazon, miserable as could be. Didn't have time to go to the bathroom without them breathing down my neck. Had to call and report when I woke up, when I was on the way to work, when I got my route, when I checked out of Amazon with my freight, and when I was almost done. I smoked a lot of weed throughout my routes to maybe make myself happier, but it was just about useless. I was happy when I smoked, but it was the reality itself that I had to live in that made me so unhappy. So I quit without saying anything. I just left and ghosted them (bad move on my part, I know, but seriously, I had enough. To make you understand my situation, I'd have to explain my entire childhood to make you understand).
I then went to the internet, and found a job I've been doing for the past 2 months that I've wanted to do my whole life. And it may end abruptly. Termination has been hanging over my head stronger and stronger, and it may be the end for me. I've learned a lot about myself here, and I appreciate the captain for showing me who I truly am inside: a mentally challenged useless person. I've never been diagnosed, but I'm pretty sure I may be autistic. It's hard coming to terms with myself and knowing who I truly am. I have a hard time completing simple tasks, I get easily distracted, and though I listen with intentions of following orders, my mind sometimes can't comprehend. Those are no traits a fisherman should have. There's no place for people who can't think straight here on the water. It's sad because this is a job I've wanted since I was a young boy. It won't be long before I'm walking back to dry land with all my belongings, going to God knows where in a town thousands of miles from home. I can't fail, but I know my ice is thin. I'll be canned and the only person I'll have to blame is myself. I can't help myself, no matter how hard I try to be better. My spirit is strong, and I have so much pride in my work, but it won't be enough.
I also have mommy issues. My whole life, I have had a mother that never cared about me. She took us away from our dad, and enslaved us to work on her farm while she sat on her throne watching us do it all, rain or shine, and it didn't matter how cold it was, or how tired we were. If the water wasn't up all the way, she would lock us out of the house during summer and make us drink from the muddy hose until she went to bed. She's done way worse than that to my sisters, and one of them only calls her by her 1st name. (deservingly so), and my plan is to talk to her about all the bad she's done, and ask why she did those things, but I have no clue how to do it. I don't even want to talk to her, but I have to. (I'm not asking for advise, just stating facts).
I don't want to take pills because I don't want any drugs. I've tried counseling, but could never find one that was able to help me. So that leaves religion. And I can't be religious because I'm a bad person who takes the lord's name in vain so much, and I have so much hate in my heart. Hate for myself, and resentment towards my mom. How can someone like they deserve Gods love and forgiveness? I used to be happy, and have hope for the future I until I realized I would be alone for the rest of my life. The only reason I'm not a virgin is because escorts exist. I lost it just to lose it. There was no love, no compassion. Only a transaction of cash and fake smiles. There's never been anyone who encouraged me, who told me I can, and will. Only voices that said I won't, I can't , and I'll never. I've tried online dating, but it never went anywhere. I was always ghosted and left alone. I never knew why, so after years of trying, I gave up, and decided to live in solitude. The only safe place I can be. It's been decided that nobody will ever want me, or want to be with me. My life has been tragic, and sad from the very start. How can God give me such a horrible mother? She was supposed to nurture me, care for me, love me, teach me, and be there for me. God trusted her to be a mother, but she neglected us all.
The only form of love I've ever known is from wearing diapers. Sounds weird to find your comfort in a thing made for babies, but when I'm padded, it brings me happiness I can't find anywhere else in this world. My heart wants to be loved, but I can't do it anymore. There isn't anything desirable to me, so I lock myself away, and let the world go on. It's the only I can assure nobody'll make me feel any pain. But I can't. I have to work to afford my shitty place and buy the things I need to stay alive. Why do we have to be slaves to the world? Your whole life, you're a slave. You're a slave to your parents, the school you go to, then you bow down to your boss until you're 67. Then at that point, you have 20 years to live your life, and at that point, your body is worn out from all the straining, and working, you can't do anything anymore. You're all used up. You're useless. That's the life we have to live, and I just don't want to do it. I want to be free. I want freedom from everything. But that's just a childish dream, but what if it's coming from a 35 year old? Dose it still count as a boyish dream then? There hasn't been a point in my life where I was genuinely happy. I've always wanted more. I wanted love, but I never got it. You don't know what it's like to be that guy. So go ahead laugh. Laugh like everybody else has when I left the room. I really don't care anymore. I really don't. I don't want to be part of anything anymore. I don't want to form bonds, don't want to make friends because I've never had any, and I don't want to go to any parties, because no matter how much I tried, I was never enough. I just wanted a place to be accepted, and this is the only place I can talk about things, and be part of something. So this is my happy place. This is where I go to be part of a wonderful community that accepts people and makes everyone feel welcome. It's the only one I have.