Getting away from little space forever

psychonautalis

psychonautalis

"Live the life you love, Love the life you live"
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  1. Adult Baby
  2. Babyfur
  3. Little
I am really struggling. I hate myself so much... I hate myself for wanting the things I do and feeling the way I feel... I just wish I could lead a normal life with confidence in my own abilities and never have an emotional need for diapers or baby things ever again.

I just wish this werent real. I wish I could make myself whole and independent and leave this unproductive crap behind. It really isn't productive.

I really really wish I could just get rid of this in my mind. It's a waste of my life energy. A waste of my spirituality and ability to help others. I'm just f*cking around at this point I feel...

How do you rid yourself of every and ALL thoughts that trigger your mind? I don't want this anymore. I want some other kind of interest. This is killing my soul and breaking my heart. I want to let go of everything, forever.
 
How long have you been dealing with this? That is, is AB/DL ism something that you have discovered later in life? Or have you known from a very young age that you needed or wanted to keep wearing diapers and had an attraction to "little" things?

In order for anybody to really answer that question for you, I think that it is important that we have some of those details. Even your "about me" does not give enough information to cobble something together.
 
I guess it's something I've always struggled with and continue to do so.. some of my earliest memories are wanting to be little. But it shouldn't matter. A person is capable or rewiring their own brains...
 
I have in the past felt exactly the same way. I was angry and ashamed of myself for living this life. I sought out a therapist. To that point, she was the only person I had told about my little feelings. I feel much better about myself now! Everybody has their quirks and oddities. As long as it’s not hurting you or those around you, then it’s good to have this “release” and way to cope


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
Hey Psychonautalis,

I'm assuming this is an addendum to your last post about the trouble you are currently having with your relationship and your guilt about coming out?

I'm going to say what the general answer will be, there is no way to get rid of being an AB or a Little. There is also no way to simply replace it for something else. This is a part of who you are, it is something you likely had since you were young and it is something you will always have. This is also a harmless eccentricity and can be a really good stress relief or form of therapy. You can figure out what triggers it, you can even put Little time on the back-burner for a while, but this is something that will always come back, no matter how much you purge or how down you might get.

The best thing to do is acknowledge that this is forever a part of you and to come to terms with your Little side. From the sounds of things, you were at a point of self-acceptance, but the current relationship you find yourself in has you second-guessing things. Just know that there is nothing wrong with you, you are a wonderful person and being a Little is a wonderful thing. Don't try to run from this side of yourself. Until things get better in your current relationship, just try to be measured in how you explore your Little side, give your partner space to process this all and hopefully, at some point in your relationship this will all be normal and just another layer of it. If the relationship is becoming too much, maybe even consider taking a break from it. If you're feeling depressed, seek some form of counselling, I've never faced crippling depression, but even I've seen therapists and trust me, it helps.

Also, you can be both independent and a cute, cuddly Little, I sure as heck am :)

Sometimes it's about finding balance and just realizing that simply because you have an AB or a Little side it doesn't mean that you can't be productive, strong, independent or successful. When I am at my apartment, I regress every weekend and if time allows, I am in baby mode for days at a time, but outside of all that, I am a University student, I write essays, I go to socials, I work, et cetera, et cetera.

I'm sorry you are feeling this shame, this anguish and uncertainty right now :hug:

My only advice, the sooner you realize that there is nothing wrong with being a Little, the sooner these feelings will fade. In the end, I can only give tentative advice really, ultimately, it's up to you to decide how to proceed further. I'm sure whatever you decide will work out for you. Just remember, you are awesome, there's nothing wrong with being Little and in the end things will work out. If you want to make that your mantra, go right ahead.

Best of luck to you :)
 
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Poofybutt is right it's not something that goes away most of us have gone through this as well wanting to just forget about it and hope it just goes away it takes time to accept yourself but remember your not doing anything wrong and being a little is perfectly fine and as he said is a way to relax and suppressing these emotions only makes things worse I hope your relationship goes well but also one person being happy shouldn't cause the other to be miserable
 
I feel you, we've all been there and it's not just us - people with all manner of other kinks feel exactly the same from time to time.

It's not what defines you, it's just a part of the whole of who you are and it's mostly only a problem if you have a totally awful partner(*) or you obsess about it too much (which can be a symptom of depression).

In the scheme of things it's not a big deal - so you like to "baby out" to relax/unwind once in a while, it's by far an away better than what some "normal" people do in their lives (or worse, having no outlet / release and bottling it all up in denial). It's not like you're doing anyone any harm, even if society doesn't particularly "get" it yet.

Now, reading your other posts you are going through some serious stuff both in yourself and with your partner, so there's a lot of emotion and introspection floating around which can get out of hand - I've been helping one of my best friends get through a massive rollercoaster of a year that you couldn't make up as the script for a soap-opera and all I can say in short is that depression and low self-image/confidence totally distort EVERYTHING in your life, and if BOTH partners in a relationship are suffering mental-health wise you can drag each other into some bad places without realising. That doesn't mean you are bad for each other and should break up, it just means you both need to try as much as possible to support each other and keep yourself in check if you feel like you or your partner is getting a bit down, fight it together as a team.

Until you have BOTH got your heads together you can't really be 100% sure of anything so DON'T make any rash life-altering decisions no matter how great/awful everything seems - you need to openly and non-judgementally KEEP TALKING, get ALL the feelings out in the open without prejudice and talk it through with each other without hanging too much weight on things - "this is how I feel right now" can change by the minute as depression and anxiety gnaw at your brain, and sometimes just talking it through with someone shines a light on the situation and makes the picture look much better, or at least a lot clearer.

The way I explained it to my friend is it's like the drunk rule - shit you do or say amongst friends while you're all drunk is inadmissible the next day when sober. So you argued about something stupid, someone punched someone or broke something etc... you were all drunk and none of it was really meant, so you can't hold each other to it when you've sobered up and apologised. The same should apply for "stupid shit I did while depressed" or "while suffering crippling anxiety"... you're not the real you and both YOU and your partner (and friends) need to understand this.

Oh, and very much PLEASE anyone who is suffering mental health issues / relationship problems get professional help - those guys know what they're doing far better than random strangers on the internet!

*= By awful partner I mean "can't accept you, won't accept you, won't learn/grow" sort of arsehole... ABDL stuff is often a surprise to our partners and takes some getting the head around and careful handling, but if a partner is willing to at least make some effort to understand and tolerate then it's something you can build on, and it sounds like you guys have enough going on that this stuff is (or should be) a bit down your priority list or worries.
 
I'm going to reiterate what others have said. For me, I sometimes get angry with myself for wasting an entire day, having baby time. What I've done typically is to just have one baby day a week with the other six days being productive. I then can justify my baby day as something I psychologically need. The peace of mind that it gives me enables me to do the hard tasks that are part of the other six days. As others have said, it's all about balance and in this case, balancing this very strong desire against all the other things you either want to do or need to do.

As for how you see yourself, as humans, we are very complicated. I lifted weights and got into a lot of fights when I was in high school. After college I had two cars I raced on the track. At the same time, I wanted to wear and use diapers. It took a long time for me to accept the regressive part of my personality, but it becomes easier over time. As humans, we are the sum of many very different parts. All those parts don't lesson us, but just make us very interesting.
 
psychonautalis said:
I am really struggling. I hate myself so much... I hate myself for wanting the things I do and feeling the way I feel... I just wish I could lead a normal life with confidence in my own abilities and never have an emotional need for diapers or baby things ever again.

I just wish this werent real. I wish I could make myself whole and independent and leave this unproductive crap behind. It really isn't productive.

I really really wish I could just get rid of this in my mind. It's a waste of my life energy. A waste of my spirituality and ability to help others. I'm just f*cking around at this point I feel...

How do you rid yourself of every and ALL thoughts that trigger your mind? I don't want this anymore. I want some other kind of interest. This is killing my soul and breaking my heart. I want to let go of everything, forever.
Click to expand...

Hi there.

I have not read any of the other replies so sorry if I am repeating what other are saying.

first you have to do what is wright for you at this time. and it sounds like you are going to have a purge. If you do a word of warning, if you have a favourite soft toy do not through this away. put it out of the way if you wont. but believe me toughing it away is a bad idea.

you have to live with our self so you do need to like yourself. and this in mind may I suggest you think about what you would like to get out of life, what would be productive for you. what is it about you that you would like to develop, there is so much more to life than just ABDL stuff.

If you wont I can go on about personal development and life planning. but it is all out there on the internet.

well I hope you feel better soon.

hugs

Siysiy
 
If you can, just box up your little things and put them away. You cannot really get rid of this--no matter how hard you try or how much you want to--and you'll feel that call later. Store it someplace where you'll not see it. This can save you money and you'll have something to calm you if the need gets too powerful.

Like others have said, it is about finding balance with the little and big parts of your life. If you can find that balance, you'll be much happier. Nobody said you have to go 24/7.

Put your things away for awhile and see how long it is before you feel that overowering urge. Then allow yourself a little baby time. Put your stuff away again and repeat this process as needed. Eventually you may be able to find the balance that works for you.
 
Hi there! Take some time each day to analyze how you’re feeling. Examine how your emotions change overtime. Essentially, start and maintain a mindfulness practice. Once you better understand yourself, you’ll bettter accept yourself and the easier this’ll become. There’s nothing wrong with you and you can do great things while enjoying diapers. You’ve just got to find that balance with the other parts of your life. There’s a time and place for everything. You’re not alone in what you’re feeling right now and we all support you. Best wishes.
 
Thank you everyone. For each of your replies...I am so grateful to have this support.

Im really realizing things and coming to terms with myself and who i am... I am still dealing with the shame I have but it isn't as seemingly intense knowing that part of me has already worked toward loving and accepting myself.

For some reason .. my mind likes to create grand painful scenarios that pertain to minor things in my life, making them into big unreasonable scenarios...

My partner said he was going to buy a baby book to read, and at the time I was ashamed to say "yes, go ahead and get it" so I just said no out of fear and shame. I still wanted him to get the book and be interested helping us figure this out. Well he didn't get the book. And my stupid self made these frivolous expectations in thinking "he'll care enough to order it anyways..."

I know I could have iust said yes when he asked, but honestly my inner judge comes out and shames me so often ... Im scared that my own regular dialogue is this critical messenger that sheds any hope or optimism that I have.

I don't want to purge... And honestly I feel like my purging happens so fast... The very second I say I don't want these things anymore... The switch will happen within minutes, hours or even seconds.

It's immature of me, and something I'm still getting over... But sometimes I just want my partner to show individual initiative that he cares about my little side without negotiating with my big side about it.... My big mind is fucked up without the little side holding place for curiosity and sensitivity. I respect that he IS negotiating with my big side and I do want that but often times the answers that come from there are fearful, defensive and shameful. And it doesn't even help me out...

I am trying so hard to be patient with all of this.. sometimes my brain just creates these realities that tell me , "this thing here is why he doesn't care about you..... see?"
Like x____ = y______
If this..... then THIS..... It's as if a whole different reality is being projected and assumptions are so easily made.... within microseconds a whole scene has been created.

"He didn't buy the baby book on his own decision, even when you showed your fear and shame he didn't see your pain. He doesn't care about you are you stupid little space, why would he? "

This is literally what my brain tells me, guys...
It crushes me, and all I can do is stare into space and wonder why these thoughts keep barrading my mind... Its making me sick.... :'(

I want to be able to confidently express my true feelings naturally... I'm tired of these automatic assumtions popping up when I am I'm pain....
 
The old addage that says we are our own worst enemies is all too true.

Sure our love for these things is pretty weird but it isn't a bad thing--especially when we can come to terms with our ABDL side. It can be used as a positive thing to relieve stress once you reach the point of acceptance.

It certainly beats crawling into a bottle or sticking a needle into your arm. I'll take diaper rash over addiction any day.
 
It isn't healthy to not be yourself, we littles need our little space from time to time
 
He didn't buy the book because you said "no" and I assume he respects your wishes over any ideas he might have about what you'd like - especially if he's new to all this and feeling his way.

There's no problem whatsoever NOW with telling him you panicked / got shy, that you actually love the idea of him buying the book and appreciate his thinking of it - it will give BOTH of you a boost in happiness & confidence to clear that up.

Put yourself in his shoes - he thought he had a cool idea, you said no, so now he might be beating himself up for failing to understand your wants and getting it wrong when really he was right all along. YOU NEED TO TELL HIM! Communicate!
 
Phychonautalis, sweetheart, I know the feeling. You're conflicted. That's a hard place to be. I'm curious. You want him to perceive your pain. Can you show him that pain, in a way he can see? Do you have access to the ability to do that?

At one point, maybe even now, I could see myself, and again this is me, saying no, out of fear, and shame, but being so pulled in 2 different directions, a tear would probably drop. Do you have the trust in him, and the access to your own feelings, to cry? Have you walled it off? Yeah. I get it. It hurts, but, when you feel safe, the pain does go away, slowly. My pain hits me right in the chest, and can go all the way to my knees. Yes, emotional pain can hurt that badly. It's far less now than it used to be, thank God! Sometimes we need a good cry. It also might be worth it, to explain the self-arguing. Yeah, definitely explain that you wanted the book, and the other cool things, but then got all self-protective of Little you. Do that when you're feeling your biggest.

When you can get into Littlespace, as happy, and trusting, as you can possibly muster, and then, suggest some other cool wants with him. It'll make him feel less like he messed up.
 
psychonautalis said:
Thank you everyone. For each of your replies...I am so grateful to have this support.

Im really realizing things and coming to terms with myself and who i am... I am still dealing with the shame I have but it isn't as seemingly intense knowing that part of me has already worked toward loving and accepting myself.

For some reason .. my mind likes to create grand painful scenarios that pertain to minor things in my life, making them into big unreasonable scenarios...

My partner said he was going to buy a baby book to read, and at the time I was ashamed to say "yes, go ahead and get it" so I just said no out of fear and shame. I still wanted him to get the book and be interested helping us figure this out. Well he didn't get the book. And my stupid self made these frivolous expectations in thinking "he'll care enough to order it anyways..."

I know I could have iust said yes when he asked, but honestly my inner judge comes out and shames me so often ... Im scared that my own regular dialogue is this critical messenger that sheds any hope or optimism that I have.

I don't want to purge... And honestly I feel like my purging happens so fast... The very second I say I don't want these things anymore... The switch will happen within minutes, hours or even seconds.

It's immature of me, and something I'm still getting over... But sometimes I just want my partner to show individual initiative that he cares about my little side without negotiating with my big side about it.... My big mind is fucked up without the little side holding place for curiosity and sensitivity. I respect that he IS negotiating with my big side and I do want that but often times the answers that come from there are fearful, defensive and shameful. And it doesn't even help me out...

I am trying so hard to be patient with all of this.. sometimes my brain just creates these realities that tell me , "this thing here is why he doesn't care about you..... see?"
Like x____ = y______
If this..... then THIS..... It's as if a whole different reality is being projected and assumptions are so easily made.... within microseconds a whole scene has been created.

"He didn't buy the baby book on his own decision, even when you showed your fear and shame he didn't see your pain. He doesn't care about you are you stupid little space, why would he? "

This is literally what my brain tells me, guys...
It crushes me, and all I can do is stare into space and wonder why these thoughts keep barrading my mind... Its making me sick.... :'(

I want to be able to confidently express my true feelings naturally... I'm tired of these automatic assumtions popping up when I am I'm pain....
Click to expand...

Thanks for the clarification.

It sounds like you are just going through the motions of learning to be A-OK with this side of yourself. As others have said, we've all been there. When we are first starting out it's quite common to have these conflicting thoughts and feelings, to be extra protective of your Little side, to be ashamed of it, etc. It sounds as though you are nearing a point of full self-acceptance, but that will take time and could likely be an ongoing process. I've been aware of my AB side since I was a young child and I didn't fully come to terms with it until about 8 years ago. Just take things a day at a time and realize that there is nothing wrong with this side of yourself :)

I can also sympathize with the fact that your current relationship and learning how to be Little in a functioning relationship is getting you down and proving more difficult than you would have liked. All of this is part of the same learning curve; give it time, read your partners moods, read your own moods and I have no doubts that you'll become more comfortable with floating between Big-You and Little-You in a relationship. Also, all those paranoid thoughts you have regarding your partners interest, best not to pay them any mind. I find that people in general have minds that often tend to race to the worst case scenario or the wrong conclusions when they get nervous. Once again, that too is something that should fade with time.

Also, once again major deja-vu, your getting nervous in adult mode when your partner mentions something regarding your Little mode was me in my relationship with my 2nd GF/Mommy. It can sometimes be tough to let your guard down and be openly Little around a partner and yes, sometimes your big side will respond in ways your Little side wouldn't. Once again, this is all about giving things time and finding balance. My 2nd GF/Mommy took a good year to get comfortable enough to find initiative and it took me months to get use to the fact that she knew I was a big baby. Fortunately, because I took the time to learn within this relationship, all of my more recent GF/Mommy experiences have been far more comfortable and less nerve-wracking. Also, your partner may well demonstrate the initiative you seek and get more active in this as time goes on. The fact that he is showing some initiative at this early stage, in the way he thinks about your Little side, considered your Little sides feelings and even bought you a nice story-time book is actually quite sweet, it shows that he is truly trying to understand this more.

So, in the end, learning to accept yourself, feeling comfortable with this in a relationship and having your partner take more initiative, these are all things that cannot be rushed. In many respects, it sounds like you are well on your way towards self-acceptance and even your partner is showing some promise. Take things slow, one day at a time and I am confident things will work out.

Best of luck to you :eek:
 
Thanks, @Poofybutt.

I'd like to think I'm nearing acceptance but it's been so hard.. after talking with my partner and discussing what was really going on with his emotions....hearing the hurtful things that were unintentionally said really screwed up my mental health about this...
"I wanted to make love to you but you sat in a piss-filled diaper for 7 hours."
"I'm just disgusted when you shit yourself"
"I'm just shocked"
"I wonder if this is healthy"
"You were this strong, independent woman, and now...this."

Just... I'm literally at a place of non-attachment to my own life. I feel so horribly ashamed I feel sick in my body, mind and soul like I cannot move or get up. I just want to expire. I'm honestly never, ever going to touch those things again. I can't rid myself of this shame. I don't know what to do...

I was over assumptuous and had hopes I would receive more understanding than I did and now I never want to open up ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER again. I want to rid myself of this pain and rid others of my ridiculous and shameful existence.

I know I need to be patient and forgive myself and him, but my heart is messed up. I know that forgiveness will come in time... But I'm afraid this shame and fear, anxiety and pain, restlessness and worthlessness will never go away... It's never gone away my whole life...I've had physically abusive relationships that didn't hurt as much as this massive load of self loathing that I carry. I just want to die. So badly I wish I were dead right now. I don't know what to do, or how to regain my trust back in my partner...

I know he didn't mean to hurt me.... I just cannot see myself ever opening up to him again, I never want to feel like that again... I never want to be vulnerable like that again. Ever. It makes me sick just thinking about it...

And I know it hurts him because he wants to be the best he can be for me. I've just lost so much trust in the relationship and I can't even help it.

The 'baby book' was actually a book called "There's a Baby in my Bed" by Rosalie Bent aimed at helping people understand "abdlism" or whatever this curse is .. though I never want him to read it or see me like that or ever have any inkling of an idea of me like that... I feel such overwhelming shame. I don't even know what to do with myself. Im literally just staring at walls and hoping to just die.
 
:sadno::beg::grouphug::hug::therethere:

I have some possible answers to his statements.

"The peeing and pooping is about learning I don't deserve to physically, or emotionally, die or be injured, for having done it, by my hand, or yours, or anyone's. Still disgusted?"

If he is, he's. . . A piece of work. You don't deserve physical, or emotional pain or death! It's just poop and pee. Would he kill his kid, either of those ways, for doing so? Would you? Of course not! So why hurt or kill your inner child for it? Don't, either of you. She didn't do anything wrong. We love Little you, and big you, and we love him, and he loves you, we hope.

"Understandable. Honestly, this isn't easy for either of us."

"Just look at me when I try getting rid of it. I'm actually wanting to die. When I thought you might love me for who I am, I actually felt a bit better. Now. . . This?"

"I still am strong, and fiercely independent. This is my, 'love language.' I'm skydiving emotionally, and you're my parachute."

That last line of his makes me so mad, I'd probably add a sarcastic, "Gee, thanks for cutting the paracord!"

Part of this. . . Is on him. Does he have to change your poopy or wet diapers? No. Does he have to do anything he isn't comfortable with? No. Having in the back of his mind, why he's so put off by it, is a good idea. Loving you in a way that doesn't depend on the condition of your diapers, is a good idea.

You. . . Are not. . . Broken.

Like the Whos on the flower, "We are here! We are here! We are here!"

We don't want you leaving this earth, just because he needs more time to learn to love you in your own language.

If you were signing Deaf, he'd go out of his way to learn about Deaf culture. He'd learn to sign. He wouldn't look at you funny, or call you an, "oral failure," because your speech isn't as good as your signing.

Spoken language is a second language to Deafies, (their term, not mine, badge of honor, not a slur) and spoken language is not their natural one. A Deafie's natural language, is a manual language. Learning speech would be like a native English speaker learning Chinese.

AB is your natural, "love language," not a curse, and he's either going to learn it, or he isn't.

Give him the time to learn it, because he's learning an emotional foreign language, but, only if he deserves it.

You. . . Deserve. . . To live. . . Well. . . And happy!

Being bilovelingual might work, but not if you're the only one expected to try. Be patient. He's learning emotional Chinese. Know we care. Show him this post.
 
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Important TL;DR: He's making himself out to be the victim while victimizing you (he's holding you accountable for his actions and feelings). Don't stand for it and be prepared. Because he views himself as the victim, he may try to lash out at you physically (he's already doing it psychologically) or cause destruction within your personal life. Be very careful with an emotional abuser. This guy may not be just an ***hole -- he may very well become dangerous or destructive.

My original response:

Wow, just wow. If this is something he can't deal with, that's his problem and not yours. For him to turn it around and shame you for this is textbook psychological abuse. He has some serious hang ups to deal with. For example:

"I wanted to make love to you but you sat in a piss-filled diaper for 7 hours."

He's making it YOUR fault that he didn't want to "make love to you". If he doesn't want to do something, then that is his choice and not yours. If he had a problem with this, he could have brought it up or asked you to shower, etc. This is classic shaming and guilt tripping you for his actions.

"I'm just disgusted when you shit yourself"

See? It's YOUR fault again. He's making his personal feelings of disgust your fault. If he didn't like it, he should have said something about it sooner.

"I'm just shocked"

Again he's blaming you for his feelings. Nope, his feelings are his fault, not yours.

"I wonder if this is healthy"

He's trying to make you feel like there is something wrong with you so that you'll accept that his feelings are your fault.

"You were this strong, independent woman, and now...this."

Again, he's "making you less".

Quite frankly, his responses are emotionally immature. He's refusing to accept any of his own responsibility for his feelings, and that's a fundamental component of someone who is able to have a healthy relationship. He likely needs therapy.

There is nothing wrong with who you are. His opinions on anything are his and his alone. He may look for others who agree, but it still doesn't make it anything other than a subjective opinion. I'm hesitant to give advice on relationships, but if I were in this situation, I would be out in a heartbeat. I've dealt with enough psychological abuse to know what it looks like, and I have a strong feeling that this behavior will only get worse if you concede to him.

https://www.verywellmind.com/identify-and-cope-with-emotional-abuse-4156673

I would recommend not conceding, pointing out his feelings are his to deal with, and if he doesn't like them then you're simply not compatible - there is nothing wrong with anyone in this situation. If he can't accept that, he needs help. I would also recommend bringing people you trust who know about your inclinations to go with you any time you need to interact with him in person. This may be an over reaction, but as someone who has dealt with psychological abuse in the past - and the abuser's notion that their feelings are someone else's fault - this is usually an indicator of a broken ethical code that depends on zealous retribution to work. That said, be prepared for backlash from this ***hole.
 
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