I have always valued diapers, ever since I knew what that article of clothing was around my waist (which I discovered in my 2nd year), as a convenience for my waste functions and nothing more. After teacher abuse, being the subject of bullying and the like, I saw diapers as an escape from what was demanded of me and a reason to turn back the clock and return to the place where I felt safe. The first time I tried on a diaper, since potty training, was after a Violin concert that I participated in in Texas. Boy, I sure loved how it felt. The snug and hugging fit, the puffy absorbent material that would break my fall, the waddling effect it gave me when I walked and of course the fact that it assisted in turning back the clock to my 2 year old state of mind; in addition to the fact that it held my wastes as a convenient toilet. I so loved the feeling that I wore that dry diaper on and off for two weeks. After the second week, the Tabs became over-stressed and they tore off the back of the diaper when I sat down one day. I was devastated because I had finally found a method to rectify my current troubles and that it was going away because the diaper was broken. I feared mom's reaction of her growing son wanting to return to babyhood to escape, so I didn't ask for more, nor even asked to fix the current one with tape. I waited for other opportunities to get more and took them when I had next to no chance of being caught. I got caught once in Elementary School, but Mom thought it was a phase so I only had to do an apology and return the diaper. The other ones until late high school were uncaught and unpunished, however I did feel increasingly guilty by doing such things under my parents' noses, but I knew they wouldn't understand. When I was caught in senior year, my suspicions were confirmed and now I have to live with limited contact with my own parents because of my diapers; because they do not accept it.
Whenever I wear a diaper, I would be filled with positive emotions and I would start to heal myself of all my old emotional wounds sustained as I grew up. I eventually discovered that making the experience more believable with pacifiers, bottles, onesies, etc. exponentially increased the amount of healing that I was able to do in one session. Through all of my learning and regression I found out that diapers were more than half of the reason I got better and also a useful item to be used at night because of my emotional, stress and night terror influenced bed wetting bouts which were and still are the worst on the full moon phase. Since my big side is a template scaffolding over little me, it requires me to give into my little side in order to keep me from collapsing. The more frequent I do it, the more healing of my big side and of my past that I could do, however I discovered after my parents forced me to purge, that long periods of time without succumbing to little me was draining not only my big side to the point of overall exhaustion, but also to the eventual point of emotional collapse, major depression and suicidal thoughts.
Playing the balance game to get my emotional state corrected is not a thing that should be trifled with, however I have no choice as college deprived me of most of what I needed in money to get more diapers and even some other things that could help my immersion. More recently I discovered that a caretaker or a mommy might help me even more in this endeavor. In all past sessions, I have had to be both caretaker and little me; which drains me to the point that if I don't do it long enough and/or enough times, I do not get enough good stuff coming in to heal properly. I have been making do with Role-play on various Role-playing discord servers that are Babyfur Friendly so that I can spend some time mending, even when I can't have a diaper on. The search for a caretaker and/or a mommy has reached a complete standstill, even though I have tried my best to network. As a result, I have to do my best to try and heal as much as possible and do it as efficiently as possible in order to prevent getting to the same point as two years after the purge. Hopefully I'll find a mommy who understands innocent little me and also hopefully I can eventually get out of this cloudy loop of depression.