Coming out at last

This post is an epic moment for me. I've been a lurker within the ABDL community for years but never ever reached out to others.

I'm a forty-something married guy with kids and all of my life I've struggled with accepting my peculiarities. Mainly, my overwhelming desire to wear diapers. As a kid it creeped me out and as a highly sensitive person, who was harassed and teased in school, not to mention, emotionally abused by an older sibling, that meant that nobody could ever, EVER find out about this. I thought I was the only one and struggled with it for years, doing the binge and purge cycle.

When I got together with my wife, I assumed I would take this secret to my grave and I'd just have to deal with not having it in my life. I finally realized I had to tell her. That was the first, and until now, only time I've ever told anybody. Just because of fears of being labeled a freak and weirdo. She was supportive but admitted she isn't going to be my mommy. She's OK with it but it doesn't do anything for her. So I indulge in times of privacy, which she knows and is cool with.

For me though, although it involves the same private regions, it isn't sexual. It usually ends up with the same result, of course, but my brain creates a completely different high from it. To the point that combining it with sex is always odd because my brain doesn't know which pleasure pathway to follow. This is a calming thing. I realize it's been with me all my life. Another thing I've always done is comb and pet my hair. I still do this when it grows out long enough. I don't even think about it. It's a stress reliever and even that creeps me with other around.

The point is I have mental health issues too. I have borderline personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder. Basically my brain creates way too much emotion and it over processes everything. So I'm amped up, stress wise pretty much all the time. Before I started medicating with cannabis, my main go to was cutting. I am still a bad cutter and this diaper/ baby thing is a safe alternative that alleviates the same stress. But my fear of big, bad society's reactions have stopped me from reaching out. I know I'm not alone, and I'm battling to accept this harmless but weird part of my character.

Welcome to the active side of ADISC! You are not alone. For many people diapers are comforting and help people cope with the stresses of their lives. I think for me it certain for comfort as I feel I was a neglected child. I was never diagnosed with any "disorder" but who knows maybe that is a part of it for me. I say live and let live. If you find comfort and replace things that are harmful it seems better. By the way I like you screen name!!

Thank you. That kind of support is what I was hoping to find. It's ironic. I've browsed ABDL sites for years but never got the courage to actually say anything. And yet I kept feeling like I didn't belong anywhere and nobody would understand without disgust and ridicule as a response. And part of it was I just plain didn't want to admit I am a bit on the freaky side. LOL.

It sucks having to deal with those noisy personal inner demons all the time. Logic finally told me that even if it's weird, so what? Who cares? Is it harmful? No. So why not just deal with the fact that your brain is wired this way. It beats my dangerous alternative of self harm.

You got it! It is what it is and doesn't hurt anyone especially yourself. I used to fight against my need to wear diapers especially while in the Marine Corps. It was difficult at times but I'm not IC.

My thought process to finally reaching out was due to always feeling weird about it around my wife. If I'm creeped out by it, surely she is too, right? So those fears and frustrations were causing issues. My lifelong fear was if my older sister were to find out. She is a family gossiper and someone who teased and mentally abused me for years. If she were to find out, my life was over. But then I questioned that. Over how? What is the worst that could happen if someone finds out? They don't want to be my friend? Good. So long, you intolerant jerk. And I realized all I have to do is actually just find a one on one time and actually tell her. Not in so many words, but let her know I have this odd side of me and that way she could never use it against me without betraying our trust. It's ingenious and so obvious I never realized it.
I've always been a huge fan of the movie Nightbreed. It came out when I was a teenager. If you don't know the story, it's about a secret city of monsters, where they hide from normal humans that would want to kill them. I always identified with them and considered myself Nightbreed on the inside. I realized if I stayed completely in the closet, yeah, the outside world in large won't find out, but why am I afraid to talk to the other Nightbreed? So, yeah, me, you, everyone hear is Nightbreed in my little analogy.

Hey there and well done. You most certainly did choose the right place to join in. There are many supportive people here, many who share a very similar journey.

Coming to terms with this aspect of your personality is critical for establishing balance in your life. It's awesome that your wife knows and allows you to express yourself freely...pity she doesn't also allow you to share this part of you with her...it is an amazing experience to share this with someone you love, and truly comforting.

Hi and welcome to the site. There are several members on this site who deal wither Borderline Personality. I had to see a psychiatrist at a residential mental facility when I was in college, Borderline being one of the problems. I've done well in life and I hope you do as well. Diapers give me a sense of peace and comfort, and I'm grateful that my wife is accepting.

I think this site will be good for you. We're a good group of people.

Once again, thanks. I'm wondering now just how much of my personality problems arose from the fear and suppression of my natural feelings. I'm hoping by accepting this part of myself and building some much needed confidence, I may be able to get the upper hand on my personal demons. Hey, I'd much rather pamper myself up than grab a razor and start slashing my legs up again.

Tommycombs said:

This post is an epic moment for me. I've been a lurker within the ABDL community for years but never ever reached out to others.

When I got together with my wife, I assumed I would take this secret to my grave and I'd just have to deal with not having it in my life. I finally realized I had to tell her. That was the first, and until now, only time I've ever told anybody. Just because of fears of being labeled a freak and weirdo. She was supportive but admitted she isn't going to be my mommy. She's OK with it but it doesn't do anything for her. So I indulge in times of privacy, which she knows and is cool with.

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Welcome Tommy!

You're absolutely not alone, and despite the fact that you're struggling with many other things, you are incredibly lucky to have an understanding and supportive partner! You should hold onto and cherish her!

That said, I can only echo what others have said, this is a safe place and we've many folks who've suffered in similar ways. Hope to see you around!

ScruffyDL said:

Welcome to the active side of ADISC! You are not alone. For many people diapers are comforting and help people cope with the stresses of their lives. I think for me it certain for comfort as I feel I was a neglected child. I was never diagnosed with any "disorder" but who knows maybe that is a part of it for me. I say live and let live. If you find comfort and replace things that are harmful it seems better. By the way I like you screen name!!

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I was hoping someone would mention my screen name. Then I could explain it. One day I was dressed up in such a way that I realized I looked like Tommy Pickles. Obviously Tommy is a popular character with ABDL's. The combs part is in reference to my other de-stresser that as I got older, was looked down upon. I never had a security blanket or favorite teddy bear. What I did have was a comb or brush and I'd pet my hair all the time. I still do this when I allow it to grow and am trying to undo years' worth of conditioning in my brain that tells me not to do it. Plus Tommycombs sounds like Honeycomb, which is a damn fine breakfast cereal.