I12BLittle89
Est. Contributor
- Messages
- 679
- Role
- Adult Baby
- Diaper Lover
- Little
A storm hit my area last night and kept me awake nearly the whole night. I tried to get to sleep but no luck. My mind kept thinking up new stuff. One thing I remember was reflecting on why I think I became ABDL. It started with me being potty trained at 2. I remember it well. One day my mom took my diaper off and I was traumatized. I don’t know how to explain the level of trauma. My life had fallen apart in an instant. I remembered a detail that I previously didn’t remember. I remember how cold I felt. I asked about it later in life and my mom said it was because I had stopped wetting them. I basically potty trained myself. Last night I was disappointed in myself. Wishing my younger self had continued to use the diapers. So I could have more memories of wearing diapers.
Then when I was about 5 I wet my pants at daycare. I got up to go to the bathroom but when I went through the door. I looked down and saw I peed my pants. I don’t remember feeling like I had to go or the feeling of peeing my pants. The babysitter got angry with me and grabbed me by my arm. She threw me on the floor and ripped my pants and underwear off violently and pulled out a diaper. I apparently started to smile because she said something like “you think this is funny?”. I was forced to wear a diaper and sit in wet clothes until my parents came to pick me up. The other kids’ parents came and the babysitter made it a point to tell everyone how I wet myself. When my dad came to pick me up. He was told and he had a look of shock and didn’t say anything that I remember. He wasn’t angry or disappointed. It seemed he was more concerned but didn’t know what to say or do. We got home and I took my diaper off in the bathroom and went pee. I left the unused diaper on the floor of the bathroom and my parents wanted to talk to me. My dad asked if I needed to be put back in diapers. I said no because of all of the shame I experienced. I so badly wish I said yes. That would have been 1995 and I could have experienced more of the plastic backed diapers.
From that point onward I had a fascination with diapers. I always wanted to be wearing one but it was taboo. So it was repressed most of my life. Still kind of is. It wasn’t until I was about 13-14 and found out my younger cousins wore L/XL Goodnites. I had never heard of them before. I snuck over to their overnight bag when the stayed the night and pulled a girls goodnite out and I looked at it and thought it was HUGE. I freaked for a minute because I thought there was something horribly wrong. My cousins were about 8-10 years younger than me but they were obese. So they wore L/XL. It didn’t make sense at first because I associated diapers for young children and young children were smaller. Which they were quite a bit shorter than me but were fatter. Which I didn’t put the pieces together on that. So when I pulled that goodnite out. I actually thought I shrank or something. I put it on later and it was huge on me at 13-14 years old. I never was able to get myself to use them. I don’t remember what happened to it. I eventually threw it away because I didn’t want my parents to find it in my room.
When I got a job at 17. I bought the race car Goodnites and hid them in my parents’ pop up camper. I did that for awhile. Sneaking out to the garage at night. Got caught plenty of times but always had a good excuse why I was out there. Can’t remember what it was. Goodnites became my gateway drug to ABDL.
So I feel pretty confident that I had an attachment to diapers in my youth. If anyone knows anything about attachment theory. You bond emotionally with an object for comfort. When your primary caregiver begins to have less and less involvement in your life as you get older. The type of stuff where a mother will let their child “cry it out” because the mother can’t always be there all the time. When the child wants a change or wants fed or simply wants held. They begin to get less of that. They get fed and changed but it seems they get held less. This is a traumatic experience. So children tend to bond with objects for comfort. It is believed that people who have blankies or teddy bears in their adult lives are a carryover from attachment. Diapers get taken away in most cases because most children potty train and never go back. If it’s anything like my experience. It was likely traumatic. Adults sometimes go to their attachment object for comfort in stressful situations. It isn’t too often but many adults still sleep with teddy bears. It is believed that it could go as far as someone attaching to the last object their caregiver touched or one they touched regularly. So the last time you got a diaper change or that was the only time you got attention was to get a change regularly. So you associated the diaper with comfort in the absence of your caregiver.
I grew up being physically abused by my older brother and my mom was emotionally distressed all of the time. There was not a lot of stability in my home. So as I became an adult. I began to find myself coming to diapers for comfort but I didn’t know it at the time. I eventually found out it correlated with moments of increased stress. My childhood trauma has lingered and has created an anxious, depressed and jumpy adult. The usual stuff doesn’t help to calm me down. I’m getting counseling but it’s slow going. I have wanted to become a little but my wife doesn’t approve of this. There’s just something to letting go of everything for a moment.
Then when I was about 5 I wet my pants at daycare. I got up to go to the bathroom but when I went through the door. I looked down and saw I peed my pants. I don’t remember feeling like I had to go or the feeling of peeing my pants. The babysitter got angry with me and grabbed me by my arm. She threw me on the floor and ripped my pants and underwear off violently and pulled out a diaper. I apparently started to smile because she said something like “you think this is funny?”. I was forced to wear a diaper and sit in wet clothes until my parents came to pick me up. The other kids’ parents came and the babysitter made it a point to tell everyone how I wet myself. When my dad came to pick me up. He was told and he had a look of shock and didn’t say anything that I remember. He wasn’t angry or disappointed. It seemed he was more concerned but didn’t know what to say or do. We got home and I took my diaper off in the bathroom and went pee. I left the unused diaper on the floor of the bathroom and my parents wanted to talk to me. My dad asked if I needed to be put back in diapers. I said no because of all of the shame I experienced. I so badly wish I said yes. That would have been 1995 and I could have experienced more of the plastic backed diapers.
From that point onward I had a fascination with diapers. I always wanted to be wearing one but it was taboo. So it was repressed most of my life. Still kind of is. It wasn’t until I was about 13-14 and found out my younger cousins wore L/XL Goodnites. I had never heard of them before. I snuck over to their overnight bag when the stayed the night and pulled a girls goodnite out and I looked at it and thought it was HUGE. I freaked for a minute because I thought there was something horribly wrong. My cousins were about 8-10 years younger than me but they were obese. So they wore L/XL. It didn’t make sense at first because I associated diapers for young children and young children were smaller. Which they were quite a bit shorter than me but were fatter. Which I didn’t put the pieces together on that. So when I pulled that goodnite out. I actually thought I shrank or something. I put it on later and it was huge on me at 13-14 years old. I never was able to get myself to use them. I don’t remember what happened to it. I eventually threw it away because I didn’t want my parents to find it in my room.
When I got a job at 17. I bought the race car Goodnites and hid them in my parents’ pop up camper. I did that for awhile. Sneaking out to the garage at night. Got caught plenty of times but always had a good excuse why I was out there. Can’t remember what it was. Goodnites became my gateway drug to ABDL.
So I feel pretty confident that I had an attachment to diapers in my youth. If anyone knows anything about attachment theory. You bond emotionally with an object for comfort. When your primary caregiver begins to have less and less involvement in your life as you get older. The type of stuff where a mother will let their child “cry it out” because the mother can’t always be there all the time. When the child wants a change or wants fed or simply wants held. They begin to get less of that. They get fed and changed but it seems they get held less. This is a traumatic experience. So children tend to bond with objects for comfort. It is believed that people who have blankies or teddy bears in their adult lives are a carryover from attachment. Diapers get taken away in most cases because most children potty train and never go back. If it’s anything like my experience. It was likely traumatic. Adults sometimes go to their attachment object for comfort in stressful situations. It isn’t too often but many adults still sleep with teddy bears. It is believed that it could go as far as someone attaching to the last object their caregiver touched or one they touched regularly. So the last time you got a diaper change or that was the only time you got attention was to get a change regularly. So you associated the diaper with comfort in the absence of your caregiver.
I grew up being physically abused by my older brother and my mom was emotionally distressed all of the time. There was not a lot of stability in my home. So as I became an adult. I began to find myself coming to diapers for comfort but I didn’t know it at the time. I eventually found out it correlated with moments of increased stress. My childhood trauma has lingered and has created an anxious, depressed and jumpy adult. The usual stuff doesn’t help to calm me down. I’m getting counseling but it’s slow going. I have wanted to become a little but my wife doesn’t approve of this. There’s just something to letting go of everything for a moment.
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