What do you do when another person shows an interest to you (when you're IC)?

[CrossfireHurricane]

I've been IC since I was a young kid. I've accepted this even though wearing a diaper is certainly a challenge. I went through college and now I'm a teacher/ guidance counselor. I enjoy selected friends. Some know I'm IC though most don't know. I have several relationships with girls but never had them as serious. Obviously I have little experience.

What do you do when a girl starts to show an interest? I've thought about this but it's too scary. I've never really discussed my medical issues with others except a few close friends. I prefer to stay on the down-low. It's so personal. I have a good friend (woman) who has started to show an interest (romantically). Not sure how I should respond.

 

[Tenaman]

If you feel the same way. Be honest and tell her. I told a couple of girlfriends and they were very understanding and supportive. One person became very special and we have been married for 30 years!

 

[JustMe]

Agree with @Tenaman. I wouldn’t just blurt it out on day 1, but a relationship seems to be forming, then do tell her. If she runs away, then she’s not the right one. If she stays, then she might be a keeper.

 

[OnePiece]

I would wait until I was more certain this was going somewhere, but before it got really serious.

 

[greatlake5]

That's a tough one. You never know when someone might develop an interest on you. It happened for me when it was almost a year and a half back when I had a good friend started to ask personal questions. We had been friends for almost 5 years. Nothing serious. Just friends. We played tennis,
cycled and went to kayaking together. I had a group of friends that we went for eating out and listening some music. She was in my group. It's a little different for me because she asked first (about IC ). So when she finally asked (are you wearing a diaper?), in the end I had to admit it.

I think that if you've also had an interest with her then you'll probably have to have that conversation. If you're not interested, just keep your secret for yourself. No reason to discus it. But...if you're starting to have an interest too, wait a while until it becomes more serious. Never an easy conversation. My girlfriend isn't bothered by having to wear a diaper. In fact she thinks they're cute (?). On top of that, she told me that she had a crush on me for years. Really? Yup, she did.

If your possible "girlfriend" isn't afraid of IC, you might have a keeper. If not, move on and think it wasn't right for you or her. It's always a big risk. Once you share your personal information, it's out there. Others might know (or not) but it's always a chance. Consider the options.

 

[ltaluv]

Some people are bothered by it. Others don't care. I told my now-wife about my incontinence problems when we were still dating. It wasn't on the first date, but still pretty early in the relationship. Her only concern was for how that impacted my overall health.

I told her about the incontinence as part of a larger discussion of the major health issues that were on the horizon. In my overall health picture, incontinence doesn't even rank as a major issue, so that may have helped her conclude that it's not that big a deal to her.

We've been married ten years now, after dating for nearly two years, and she's been a central part of my healthcare team. I'm listed for a liver transplant, I've had a permanent ileostomy and Barbie butt, and I've had multiple hospitalizations for a variety of infections and complications related to my IBD and liver disease. She's been there for me every time, serving as my advocate, my caregiver, and my main source of emotional support.

If you can find a spouse or significant other who will accept you with all your problems, they're worth their weight in gold.

 

[newt]

I definitely agree with the advice on here. There's always a risk no matter when you disclose it. It's just how it is.

BUT. It's something that you have to do. I told my fiancée about 3 weeks in and probably 5 or 6 dates. I had slow played the physical aspects as long as I could, but I knew I couldn't hold off organically anymore. I waited because I wanted to build as much chemistry and emotional bond before telling her. One, because I didn't want to tell her if I didn't think it would go anywhere like @greatlake5 said. No point in disclosing if unnecessary. But two, because the better the connection, the less diapers become an issue. She obviously accepted me.

I'd focus at first on just being yourself and building up your connection. Try not to even think about the IC (I know that's easier said than done). Just be as confident as you can. And if things go well, you'll know when the time is to tell it. It's never easy, but having an accepting partner is the greatest thing in the world.

 

[Dinotopian2002]

I wrestled with dating for a number of years because of my diaper needs, but honestly, in some ways it was a good thing. Why? Because it helped separate the wheat from the chaff.

From my experience from needing both diapers and a wheelchair, the most important things are attitude and authenticity. For my case I was upfront with my wheelchair needs, but kept my diaper needs hidden until things started getting intimate. I was unlucky with dating for a while, but I struck gold last year when I met my current girlfriend - and we’ve been in a great relationship ever since.

Having seen your other posts here, you’ve been diapered 24/7 your whole life, but you know how to manage it, you wear the protection you need, and you can change yourself without help. This makes you far more of a catch than say someone who is IC, but is in denial about it, who tries to go around with as little protection as possible, furiously refusing to wear diapers because they’re ashamed to do so. And the shame of being diapered is worse than having accidents. Or they may be disabled and not be able to change themselves at all.

My point is, you know how to manage your IC independently. And that will be a big plus point in your favour. The right kind of people will respect you for it, because you handle it so well.

What matters more than your diapers is the person wearing them - ie, you. No-one should just be defined by just their underwear - there is more to you than just your diapers. Yes it can be awkward at times, but you really shouldn’t be ashamed of this.

From what you’ve posted here, you seem to be a thoughtful, kind person who has a number of different interests, you appear to have a good moral compass, but you also seem to be accepting of other people. You’re a teacher, so you’re good with children - all these qualities are very promising to a prospective partner. And to the right person, those qualities will be far more important than your diaper needs.

I’d suggest you’d focus on these qualities rather than your underwear - your diapers are just part of the package deal, not the main event. And if people can’t see that, its their loss, not yours.

Breathe Deep, Seek Peace
Dinotopian2002

 

[Edgewater]

I am happy that one of your friends has stepped forward and is showing an interest in you, congratulations!!

Being a friend and even one near the outer edge of the group, there is no way to determine what she knows or doesn't

Your coming here implies you are a bit more interested than what you let on too. That is great as your liking her helps you move forward and then both of you will. The Steps in this dance connects to who each of you are and quickly leads to finding common grounds and then a basic understanding of each other and whether there continues to be a reason to connect.

I strongly believe that the discussion needs too occur prior to Sex as there are zero reason for either of you to build to that point, before you have a belief that she has the depth of understanding what your needs are. And she also has the understanding that you have the depth of understand your needs!

Your inexperience maybe to your advantage as you are likely not to overplay and push to quickly regarding other things and she gets to see more of you.

May you both have the ability to move step-by-step into the future!!

 

[CrossfireHurricane]

Your coming here implies you are a bit more interested than what you let on too. That is great as your liking her helps you move forward and then both of you will. The Steps in this dance connects to who each of you are and quickly leads to finding common grounds and then a basic understanding of each other and whether there continues to be a reason to connect.

I do like her but I never really considered a closer relationship. In our group there is only one who knows that I'm IC. As far as I know he doesn't gossip. I'm not sure if getting closer to her is what I want. At least I'm not sure. I've seen other members talk about their relationships. Some have had a dating process that went good. But there were others who didn't connect. The worst is when someone tells others that they heard about their diapers. That scares me.

I'm trying to be rational. Of course in a perfect world everything will be fine. But we're not even dating. At some point we will have to discuss my medical issues. I think I still have time. I'm not pushing anything. As for what I've sad before, I have little experience. But sure, just thinking the idea (dating) sounds great.

 

[InconLifer]

Went to an LGBTQ+ meetup a while ago and I became super aware of my incon. issues. I haven't dated in years and my disability has made me isolated so it's never been much of a concern. Having gone there I did think - hmmm, if I hit it off with anyone, this could be super awkward. I'm also super self-conscious about being a wheelchair user and that being a huge turnoff. I plan on going to more as it was great (and great to socialise properly again) but the dating issue did cause me some anxiety. Whilst incontinence has always been an issue, I've been able to hide it when I've dated in the past. In the Long Covid era that really isn't an option as I have next to no control.

 

[Lethdale]

I do like her but I never really considered a closer relationship. In our group there is only one who knows that I'm IC. As far as I know he doesn't gossip. I'm not sure if getting closer to her is what I want. At least I'm not sure. I've seen other members talk about their relationships. Some have had a dating process that went good. But there were others who didn't connect. The worst is when someone tells others that they heard about their diapers. That scares me.

I'm trying to be rational. Of course in a perfect world everything will be fine. But we're not even dating. At some point we will have to discuss my medical issues. I think I still have time. I'm not pushing anything. As for what I've sad before, I have little experience. But sure, just thinking the idea (dating) sounds great.

However things go; I wish the best for you.

 

[PaddedPonyboy]

honesty is the best policy, there's nothing a potential partner dislikes more than dishonesty- it can feel like you're being lied to and can feel like a betrayal, and if you do end up in a relationship with them, they will find out one way or another, especially if you're incontinent. you have a disability and i think it's only fair that you need someone who accepts and supports that, this isn't a choice for you, this is your life and there's nothing you can do to hide or circumvent this. it will hurt if she is offended by it, but it's better to find out that she's not okay with it sooner rather than later, because later on down the road it could turn into a big "thing".

i wish you the best of luck! it's always a nice feeling when someone shows interest in you, i think you should have a good chance!

 

[Edgewater]

I do like her but I never really considered a closer relationship. In our group there is only one who knows that I'm IC. As far as I know he doesn't gossip. I'm not sure if getting closer to her is what I want. At least I'm not sure. I've seen other members talk about their relationships. Some have had a dating process that went good. But there were others who didn't connect. The worst is when someone tells others that they heard about their diapers. That scares me.

I'm trying to be rational. Of course in a perfect world everything will be fine. But we're not even dating. At some point we will have to discuss my medical issues. I think I still have time. I'm not pushing anything. As for what I've sad before, I have little experience. But sure, just thinking the idea (dating) sounds great.

Remember that this is part of the process of interaction 'enhancement.' She may see something in you that has caught her interest. Smile and say HI back! We never know where Miss Right will come from. Be open and life may provide.

 

[newt]

Be open and life may provide.

What Edge said. And, in the legendary words of Dr. Ian Malcolm, "life, uh, finds a way."

 

[greatlake5]

the legendary words of Dr. Ian Malcolm, "life, uh, finds a way."

Like Dr. Malcolm says,"Boy, do I hate being right all the time."

 

[CrossfireHurricane]

I was invited to see the Mahler 4th symphony at the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. I've never visited the CSO before. It sounds like a date to me. She said she would drive (~2 & 1/12 hours) and we could have have diner after the show. I agreed. Now I'm nervous. Driving there (and the show, diner) and drive back home. About 10+ hours total. How do you change your diaper when she doesn't know that I wear? I might have to cancel.

 

[Lostdiapersboy]

As long as your both driving your self there then stop rest room changes your self

 

[anton]

Don’t let fear rob you of an opportunity for joy and happiness There are many ways to manage your IC without being discovered, (in the short term) if that is your wish. A drive like that will require at least one stop for gas. That’s a perfect time to change in the bathroom.

 

[Lethdale]

I was invited to see the Mahler 4th symphony at the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. I've never visited the CSO before. It sounds like a date to me. She said she would drive (~2 & 1/12 hours) and we could have have diner after the show. I agreed. Now I'm nervous. Driving there (and the show, diner) and drive back home. About 10+ hours total. How do you change your diaper when she doesn't know that I wear? I might have to cancel.

I hope you find a way of attending that you are comfortable with.