Having the “conversation” with a new partner

[DreamerBenenedicte]

Thank you so much for your support!

Sorry that your relationship did not work.

I would recommend that you not underplay your situation next time. It is always better to be over padded and not need it, then to have leaks when you are underprepared. This whole start light and pray that all works out is doomed to fail as the reality of IC is that the worst will happen at the worst possible moment!

I know it might have be better to be more upfront about my issues.
But I think I was also hiding the issue to myself. I expected so much from this relationship that, for once, I didn't want the incontinence to rule my life.

Also, like everybody else's I wanted to show the best of me to seduce my new girlfriend. I wore makeup, lingerie, skirts or cute jeans... I needed to feel sexy and attractive. You can understand that wearing bulky granny pulls ups wasn't the plan

Pads, for a girl, are much more acceptable in my mind, other people mind and I hoped my girlfriend mind.
I often wear pull ups in a lot of situations. Mostly when I want to feel safer or when access to clean toilets is complicated. But the downside of bigger protections is that it's more complicated to change.
And I guess you're suppose to keep them on longer? With my urinary retention issues and regular dribbling (or more) I really struggle with odours. My protections gets smelly quite fast. So when dating or remain very close to someone, I feel very uncomfortable when I have to stay with the same protection for an extend period of time
Don't you feel bad when you're sitting close to someone with a protection that is getting wet for more than 2 hours?
With pads I can freshen up more often and avoid smelling too awful at the end of the day. So I went for a lot of pads, change of clothes and panties, don't drink too much and hope for the best...

Again sorry it did not work out!

 

[Edgewater]

The hard reality of being IC is that we have less control than the population in general! We wear to protect those around us and in general, the World around us from our natural waste.

I have long ago come to accept that I am 24/7, U-IC and to be kind to the World and more comfortable with myself, I wear diapers 24/7! Without acceptance of yourself that this is part of your life and not adjusting to reduce your volume, that only works against you, as concentrated urine smells, where a well hydrated body releases far less concentrated urine, less odder is the results.

You can keep on your current path and face more issues with your own body as dehydration works its damage or you can become accept that you are IC and that tens of thousands are faced with just you level of IC.

 

[Soggy247]

@DreamerBenenedicte

I'm so sorry youve had to go through this. Its a very upsetting story. Indeed, finding someone who fully accepts your incontinence can be challenging. Hang in there, you have to kiss a few frogs to find your princess, but youll get there.

I found my current girlfriend by a chance meeting. We are both nappy dependant 247 and we work well together. Took me years to find my 1. Ive had alot of rejection because of my incontinence. My gf said she had some terrible rejections from dates who discovered her wet, smelly nappy under her clothes. Like yourself, she gets quite smelly, quite quickly but she finds tape on nappies more protective, better at containing smells and easier to change without having to take all your cothes off.

There is always a stigma about wearing nappies and being incontinent, but as my gf and i say, we would rather hide or bulky nappies under our clothes, than leak and have visible, smelly wet patches on them and the furniture.

Anyways, she was clearly pretty shallow if she couldn't accept your issues and you can clearly do much better.

 

[DreamerBenenedicte]

The hard reality of being IC is that we have less control than the population in general! We wear to protect those around us and in general, the World around us from our natural waste.

I have long ago come to accept that I am 24/7, U-IC and to be kind to the World and more comfortable with myself, I wear diapers 24/7! Without acceptance of yourself that this is part of your life and not adjusting to reduce your volume, that only works against you, as concentrated urine smells, where a well hydrated body releases far less concentrated urine, less odder is the results.

You can keep on your current path and face more issues with your own body as dehydration works its damage or you can become accept that you are IC and that tens of thousands are faced with just you level of IC.

Edgewater,
Your comments are quite harsh but helpful
During some medical appointments or examination, I was already advised against dehydration (urologist, gynaecologist...). On this forum also.
But I believe that most of the time I drink enough. Except some times when I want/need to limit the output .
I know it would help with the smell, the skin...
But to be honest, I sometimes hide the truth from myself... And think I can manage.

 

[Edgewater]

Edgewater,
Your comments are quite harsh but helpful
During some medical appointments or examination, I was already advised against dehydration (urologist, gynaecologist...). On this forum also.
But I believe that most of the time I drink enough. Except some times when I want/need to limit the output .
I know it would help with the smell, the skin...
But to be honest, I sometimes hide the truth from myself... And think I can manage.

The hard, cold reality of being 24/7, IC: It is not for the weak-of-heart! And, life is more than harsh if one does not take great care to remain properly hydrated. The list of serious issue that can result is far greater than any odder. As a result, my being harsh follows the notes a the bottom of my Posts: "Warning: Heavy Doses of Reality Commonly Used!"

I have been 24/7, U-IC for 45 years and have found that changing a wet diaper more often is much easier than an expensive Hospital stay and that is if you get there early enough! I have found that being brutally honest with oneself can save you from serious pain, organ failure or worst!

Your being unhappy with me is preferable to the problems that not hydrating can wrought upon you.

 

[daylight]

@DreamerBenenedicte to @Edgewater 's unvarnished comments, all it takes is a bad case of kidney stones that changes your whole out look on hydration. We all do it, adjusting your intake to help with a schedule is common. Yet, it is easy to fall into a pattern of 'always being busy' and putting off drinking water.

 

[DreamerBenenedicte]

@Soggy247 :

@DreamerBenenedicte

I'm so sorry youve had to go through this. Its a very upsetting story. Indeed, finding someone who fully accepts your incontinence can be challenging. Hang in there, you have to kiss a few frogs to find your princess, but youll get there.

I hope so

I found my current girlfriend by a chance meeting. We are both nappy dependant 247 and we work well together. Took me years to find my 1. Ive had alot of rejection because of my incontinence. My gf said she had some terrible rejections from dates who discovered her wet, smelly nappy under her clothes.

You two are lucky to have found each other .
I know too well that rejection is not easy to deal with. Even more when it's due to something you can't control
It must be sweet to have someone who accepts you like you are. And don't judge you when you are not at your best. And with incontinence issues, you're often not at your best . Like when you come home after having postponed the change of your protection because it was not convenient outside (or at work). Or when you wake up in the morning, smelly with a stain on the sheets...

Like yourself, she gets quite smelly, quite quickly but she finds tape on nappies more protective, better at containing smells and easier to change without having to take all your cothes off.

I feel for her. I have the same issue with smells but still can make it to the bathroom (at least sometimes or to release a part of my bladder). That's why I can't resolve to wear tape on nappies. Despite the difficulties to change a pull up... Pads are easier but often not sufficient and often uncomfortable.

There is always a stigma about wearing nappies and being incontinent, but as my gf and i say, we would rather hide or bulky nappies under our clothes, than leak and have visible, smelly wet patches on them and the furniture.

True, but this time I hoped (dreamed?) that pads would be sufficient and that I could avoid bulky pull ups stigmas

Anyways, she was clearly pretty shallow if she couldn't accept your issues and you can clearly do much better.

She called me on Sunday evening. I didn't have the courage to pick up so she left a message. Telling me that she feels bad about her reaction. That when she realised the extend of my issues she couldn't cope. Also that she felt like I tried to hide it to her. That she felt embarrassed for both of us when my protections leaked in public or even on the sheets.
But that she would like to see me again... At least to talk.
I really don't know if I want / should call her back. To be honest I fought against calling her for a while now.
I'm afraid to get false hopes .

 

[hbic60]

She called me on Sunday evening. I didn't have the courage to pick up so she left a message. Telling me that she feels bad about her reaction. That when she realised the extend of my issues she couldn't cope. Also that she felt like I tried to hide it to her. That she felt embarrassed for both of us when my protections leaked in public or even on the sheets.
But that she would like to see me again... At least to talk.
I really don't know if I want / should call her back. To be honest I fought against calling her for a while now.
I'm afraid to get false hopes .

It's of course totally upon you if you want to give that maybe beginning relation another try or not, from outside nobody else can take this decision for you. Just a few thoughts from my side..

As much as I could read out of your messages, I'm quite sure that you still might have a problem to fully accept yourself with your IC. It seems that you - even for yourself - try to "hide" your protection as much as possible - preferring to use as thin as possible, rather changing often, limiting fluid intake etc. I've fully accepted for myself that I'm IC and that I have to wear diapers, I'm OK with that and can nevertheless fully enjoy my life, do all the things I like to do (together with my wife...), I keep well hydrated, also enjoy coffee or tea or even from time to time some alcohol, not caring that all this also influences my IC. I've found protection which feels comfortable, has enough capacity to bring me through the day and the nights and is still - with proper clothing - not visible for others. Just try to accept yourself and feel comfortable including your condition - only if you accept and love yourself you will be able to give (and receive) real love from others!

Just dive deeper into the world of protection in all variations and absorbency levels without shame and embarrassment and find those ones you feel comfortable with, which have a good fit, have an acceptable level of saturation, good odor control, don't leak - there are much better solutions than leaking, smelling pads, wet pants or, even worse, a wet bed!

Next point: give each other time to get used to your needs. As my IC started two years ago I was already married since decades. I had right from the beginning full support and understanding from my wife, and she not only ensured bud actively showed me that it didn't make any difference for her if I was diapered now or not. We could talk openly about this subject, we still used together our big master bathroom, I openly change my diaper while she's also in, we can talk about my supplies, of course cuddling and intimacy are still present, she touches me everywhere, also my "diaper area" is not off limits, but of course it needed some time for us to get used and familiar with the new situation and adjust our behavior accordingly. Develop some fantasy what you can do in which way together, being IC doesn't mean that you can't have a lot of fun with each other!
Sure, for most people a wet diaper is be anything else than sexy lingerie, but you're not defined by your IC but your whole personality, and if you love each other incontinence is only a minor issue which easily can be handled together!

Good luck - whatever you decide to do!

 

[Edgewater]

Good on her as she seems to be the Adult in this relationship. Your failure to be open and to not have assure that your protection more than adequate placed her is a position where fleeing made sense. It is really big of her to admit how she felt and feels now.

Time for you to become an Adult and call her and be very open and honest this time.

As so common, hbic60 has clear defined the situation! All you have to do is to take the next step!

 

[DreamerBenenedicte]

@Edgewater @hbic60 :
Thanks again for your help.

I felt so miserable this morning when I woke up that I texted her. Couldn't sleep during the night while thinking about her. Texted because I was too anxious to call
And she replied during lunch that she would be grateful and happy to spend the evening with me. Suggested her apartment to be able to talk without being disturbed. And she would like to cook.
I was so so relieved . Even if we only could remain friends would be nice. I would have a friend who knows and understands my issues. But honestly I hope for more in the future.
So obviously I said yes! Worried and happy at the same time.

 

[DreamerBenenedicte]

It's of course totally upon you if you want to give that maybe beginning relation another try or not, from outside nobody else can take this decision for you. Just a few thoughts from my side..

As much as I could read out of your messages, I'm quite sure that you still might have a problem to fully accept yourself with your IC. It seems that you - even for yourself - try to "hide" your protection as much as possible - preferring to use as thin as possible, rather changing often, limiting fluid intake etc. I've

You must be absolutely true. I will have to work on this. I wet the bed all my life but it still feel as bad about it as when I was a teenager. Taboo subject except for my supporting family. Even with them I remain discreet about that. And since my day time issues have worsened, I barely talk to anyone about that.

fully accepted for myself that I'm IC and that I have to wear diapers, I'm OK with that and can nevertheless fully enjoy my life, do all the things I like to do (together with my wife...), I keep well hydrated, also enjoy coffee or tea or even from time to time some alcohol, not caring that all this also influences my IC. I've found protection which feels comfortable, has enough capacity to bring me through the day and the nights and is still - with proper clothing - not visible for others. Just try to accept yourself and feel comfortable including your condition - only if you accept and love yourself you will be able to give (and receive) real love from others!

Just dive deeper into the world of protection in all variations and absorbency levels without shame and embarrassment and find those ones you feel comfortable with, which have a good fit, have an acceptable level of saturation, good odor control, don't leak - there are much better solutions than leaking, smelling pads, wet pants or, even worse, a wet bed!

Maybe I should try again to go through what's available even if it's less discreet.

Next point: give each other time to get used to your needs. As my IC started two years ago I was already married since decades. I had right from the beginning full support and understanding from my wife, and she not only ensured bud actively showed me that it didn't make any difference for her if I was diapered now or not. We could talk openly about this subject, we still used together our big master bathroom, I openly change my diaper while she's also in, we can talk about my supplies, of course cuddling and intimacy are still present, she touches me everywhere, also my "diaper area" is not off limits, but of course it needed some time for us to get used and familiar with the new situation and adjust our behavior accordingly. Develop some fantasy what you can do in which way together, being IC doesn't mean that you can't have a lot of fun with each other!
Sure, for most people a wet diaper is be anything else than sexy lingerie, but you're not defined by your IC but your whole personality, and if you love each other incontinence is only a minor issue which easily can be handled together!

Hope I will find someone as understanding as your wife! You're lucky to have her!

Good luck - whatever you decide to do!

 

[Edgewater]

There are literally hundreds of products far superior to what you are currently using.
There are Premium products available in every Country and because of import taxes there will be cost advantage to buy products that are native to your Country.

The list of daytime diapers is huge and requires you to honestly define what works for you! Night-time diapers are different and here I recommend a Premium product, as failure, as you have seen, is to be avoided. Everyone here has their go to product(s), which is a combination of features and price.

Being discreet has to first start with choosing product that has the ability to absorb the volume based on the time between changes, as your leaking and displaying wet pants supersedes a diaper line every time! Understand that when you are out and about with 'her' no one is going to be looking at 'you'!!

FYI: You really need to drop this anxiety thing in the trash! It is overwhelming you, as it is little more than the result of you not making a choice between 'doing' or 'running' (Fight or flight, which is a true emotion).

 

[Soggy247]

@DreamerBenenedicte

Im glad you have spoken to her and are having an evening together. If nothing else, it will clear the air and help you to settle down a bit.

I get what you say about wearing nappies, but at least for bed, if nothing else, i would deffo consider it. Less chance of leaks and that could save your blushes.

I hope it all goes well for you. Remeber, keep an open mind and dont be afraid to share your feelings. Hiding stuff can cause problems but being open and honest will will be better for everyone. . .

Good luck

 

[Dinotopian2002]

Okay, this latest update was unexpected, but surprisingly hopeful.

@DreamerBenenedicte, I can’t tell you what to do, or give you false promises, but I can say that after what happened last time, it can’t go any worse than before.

If she knows about your wettings and your needs for protection, then don’t try to hide it, pad up in something thicker so you don’t have to worry about accidents spoiling your time together.

This may sound blunt, but by refusing to admit you need diapers, you’re making things much more difficult for yourself. I appreciate that this isn’t easy to manage, and you want to normalise your protection like it’s a period pad, but if they’re leaking, you need something thicker, at least to wear in bed.

What I would suggest is to be honest with this woman how big a struggle this is for you at the moment, as I can imagine it’s gnawing away at you a fair bit. If I was managing my bladder issues with pads, I’d be paranoid about leaking everywhere. But because I’m diapered, I don’t have to. Which makes managing it much easier, as I can go where I like, when I like, and no-one knows. I’ve been bladder incontinent since I was a teenager due to disability, so while I’m still pretty young, I’ve had a lot of practice.

I recognise that you want to present yourself at your best, to look and act attractive, or at least normal. But if you want a genuine relationship with this woman (either romantic or platonic), then you need to start trusting her, or start giving her chances to start trusting you.

But in order to be honest with her about this, you must be honest with yourself about this - you need diapers - at least in bed.

I know a lot of people here swear by Northshore Megamax, but if you’re looking for something that’s absorbent but still very discreet, I’d recommend Tena Slips - the cloth-backed ones are more discreet and breathable. And the tapes are refasten-able should you be able to use a toilet.

However, I’ll admit that tape-on diapers aren’t the easiest to change by yourself when you’re starting out. Is that what you’re worried about?

If so, hear me out, I may have an idea, why not buy a pack of diapers, and ask this woman to help you put them on?

I’ll admit this is a mad idea, and normally I wouldn’t recommend this, but hear me out:

1. If you’re diapered, you won’t wet the bed or leak, everything will be contained. This means it won’t happen again, which your potential partner will be grateful for. She knows you need diapers so I wouldn’t bother hiding them. And if she asks you if she can help you with them, then

2. It will help build trust, as this stops your incontinence getting in the way of your love life. My girlfriend isn’t into ABDL, but she enjoys changing me, and helping clean me up. And I think it’s really helped us grow closer as a couple. We both know I need them, and we can talk about it openly when we’re together, it’s not a guilty secret to be ashamed of. It’s just our normal. I was open with her about my medical needs from the start, and what I use to manage them safely. And you know what? She was good with it.

3. It will help to manage your incontinence better, and you will have more self-confidence in general. It took me years to achieve this, but I managed this at last.

One of the life hacks I picked up was to smile and mentally pat myself on the back every time I had an accident in public, which helped me reduce the fear and stigma about wetting myself, and because my diaper did its job and kept me dry.

Another one was learning to appreciate the positive side-effects of being diapered, for starters, they’re very comfy to wear, it’s like wearing a cushion around your waist.

Being diapered again does take getting used to, but it does get easier. Bladder incontinence sucks, but it really isn’t the end of the world when you know how to manage it.

Breathe Deep, Seek Peace
Dinotopian2002

 

[DreamerBenenedicte]

Hi all,
Here is some news.

Our diner and evening together was nice

I was so nervous at first... But after a long hug we started a deep open-minded talk.

I think I barely never felt authorized to speak as freely without being judged. It felt good (even better than with my psychologist)! Also a bit weird to discuss in details my incontinence issues seating on her couch with a glass of wine.

I told her how I felt miserable to be ditched because of health issues that I can't control. That I got so many bad reactions from potential partners in the past that I'm feeling very insecure.

She admitted that it's difficult for her to cope with my issues. That it changed the way she sees me as a girlfriend. That my issues are worst than she initially understood and that it impacts a lot of things regarding our relationship (psychological, practical...). She had the feeling that I tried to hide the most inconvenient parts to her. Inconveniences like permanent use of big protections, leaks, smells, required number of without warning bathroom breaks...

The worst and awkward part of the talk was when she confess that she had doubts about my laziness and hygiene about it. In the same time she seemed kind and ready to understand me.

So I explained in details how difficult it is for me to deal with it. That I wanted to impress her and hide my real issues to both of us. That for once I wanted to feel attractive and desired. But it might not have been the best way to deal with my incontinence. I explained her in detail without underestimate what I face with and how I deal with it. Explained that at the moment my OAB is at is worst, that I don't manage to properly empty my bladder so that it dribbles and gushes regularly by itself. Hence the difficulty to remain dry. Even while being close to the bathrooms and the need to use more than thin pads. Even worse during the night.

Even got up and showed her the waistband of my thin Tena Pant pull up. It was so strange to see her examine me and state that it was only visible under my jeans because she knows I have it on.

At the end we both seemed relieved about this talk. She told me that she will try to overcome her preconceived feeling about incontinence and attached stigmas. That she still wants to see me and will do her best to support me. And I agreed to to my best to manage my issues in a responsible way without feeling ashamed.

Afterward, the subject was not discussed again during diner. I loved the afterward cuddling under a blanket on her couch. We didn't even watched the TV show (always on pause because we wanted to talk). But we both agreed that we wouldn't spend the night together yet.

When I woke up from her couch I felt more wet than expected (felt me dribble but wasn't worried or too uncomfortable to get up and change). But she looked strangely at me and at her couch. Don't know if she smelled me when we lift up the blanket (I'm getting quite nose blind), if my protection was oddly more bulging or if she was only worried about potential leaks on her couch... However I felt awkward with her reaction. And didn't felt comfortable with the idea to replace my protection before leaving. Maybe to show off and let her know it wasn't so bad and could wail til home. I will talk to her about that next time . I guess she needs time to adjust with my issues.

Then we had a proper kiss and I went home. We will have another diner at home this evening. I look forward to it. She is so cute and I love spending time with her . Hope we will make it work!

 

[DreamerBenenedicte]

Sorry for the long rambling but it feels good to share with people who experience and understand incontinence.

 

[DreamerBenenedicte]

@Edgewater @Soggy247 @Dinotopian2002

I'm starting to realise that I need to find better protections. For my confort and hygiene but also to give a chance to my new relationship.
My nearby medical store is good and I trust the girls who work their.
Not an easy subject but I will ask them to help me again to find the good products. This time without minimising my issues. Last time they gave me samples. It's very useful and allows to try a lot of different products.

 

[hbic60]

First of all: congratulations for the effort you made and the nice evening you spent together!

I'm starting to realise that I need to find better protections. For my confort and hygiene but also to give a chance to my new relationship.
My nearby medical store is good and I trust the girls who work their.
Not an easy subject but I will ask them to help me again to find the good products. This time without minimising my issues. Last time they gave me samples. It's very useful and allows to try a lot of different products.

This is the right spirit! Stand to your IC and find the most comfortable, good fitting, reliable enough products for your needs! Keep in mind that good products also have a good odor control system, and, if you drink enough (water) for good hydration, your pee also smells drastically less than if you avoid drinking.

Give your potential girlfriend/partner time to adjust and get used to your padding. A loving partner doesn't care at all about some light pee smell sometimes, and shouldn't be anxious to touch your protection (maybe at the beginning only from outside). Hey, my wife is not incontinent at all, but it's purely natural that she smells a little from her natural body fluids, does this prevent me from touching her down there (and more...)? For sure not, and a little pee smell (or even the knowledge that there IS pee) won't prevent me either. A few drops of pee are not poisonous, maybe these are things you should talk about. Be sure that you have really proper protection that absolutely reliable keeps not only your clothing, but also always the furniture and the bed dry, that was for my wife something quite important. She doesn't care if my padding (especially in bed) is thicker, as long as anything stays dry it's fine. But of courseI choose my diapers in a way that they are reliable enough but still as discreet as possible (during the day).

All the Best for you! - Helmut

 

[sport1]

I had that terrible talk a long time ago we had only been married 2yrs but the second for us had been leaking a lot we talked and after some giving in went back to diapers.That was over 35yrs ago.

 

[Edgewater]

We are all Human and are faced with having discussions regarding our Incontinence with others to obtain help, support and more importantly understanding. The vast majority of those we will be talking with have little to no understanding of Incontinence even most medical staff. Our abilities to be able to speak openly, with honesty helps them understand what we face and need to keep the World around us to remain a dryer place. I am currently working with VA staff in which most have little more that seeing an advertisement on TV in understanding what protection is.

I have found that keeping it simply helps greatly and giving them time to grasp the information. You will be shocked at how little is known by the general population.