Having the “conversation” with a new partner

[jessraven]

i‘ve been seeing a new person for the past month and it seems like it’s getting more serious. It’s sort of long distance and we have not spent the night together yet...but it’s going to happen very soon. I’ve had to totally hide my incontinence problems. I even wore pads and panties and always discretes, and removed them before intimacy (thank god I didn’t have an accident)...and I even fasted and cut back on liquids so I won’t like have anything in me to go ...yes I know it’s crazy and not sustainable...but I really like her. she knows I have “pee problems,” and I have told her I have leaks....I haven’t told her that I diaper 24/7. like today I was on the phone with her in a FaceTime and I had to go off camera as I literally peed and pooped my diaper while I was talking with her while I was on my walk. She asked if I was ok and I told her I had to go...and I called her back. It just raised the whole topic in my head...I can’t hide thismuch longer and I’m terrified....omg and I worry if I tell her and it doesn’t work out...that she’d out me...

i REALLY need to hear some happy endings with this and any advice on “Having the conversation”? I guess I won’t know until I try...Never been in this position before because I’m now fully 24/7 and I wasn’t before....but anytime it got serious in the past once they found out i peed myself it got weird....not even talking about the other... help

 

[sbmccue]

If she's as open-minded as you seem to be, you shouldn't have much of a problem. As you note, however, you won't know until you try.

I'd certainly start - and end - the initial conversation by just detailing your urinary incontinence issues. I wouldn't move into any other area until you're certain she's accepting of what you've already told her.

Please let us know what happens.

 

[jessraven]

If she's as open-minded as you seem to be, you shouldn't have much of a problem. As you note, however, you won't know until you try.

I'd certainly start - and end - the initial conversation by just detailing your urinary incontinence issues. I wouldn't move into any other area until you're certain she's accepting of what you've already told her.

Please let us know what happens.

Thank you

 

[Jorelaxed]

Hi goodmorning JessRaven, you have nothing to worry about!, you are being honest with her and she will appreciate your honesty.
I have been in a relationship for many decades now and my SO was very grateful with me for being honest and has been very supportive.
Don't feel bad about having to use your diaper.
All of us incontinent folk need them for a reason.
That is very strong and courageous of you, you are a honest person, your relationship with her will work out just fine.I'd say do pursue the relationship with her.

 

[jessraven]

Hi goodmorning JessRaven, you have nothing to worry about!, you are being honest with her and she will appreciate your honesty.
I have been in a relationship for many decades now and my SO was very grateful with me for being honest and has been very supportive.
Don't feel bad about having to use your diaper.
All of us incontinent folk need them for a reason.
That is very strong and courageous of you, you are a honest person, your relationship with her will work out just fine.I'd say do pursue the relationship with her.

Thank you

 

[UnderTheRadar]

My wife and I had this conversation a week ago... I had not had a issue with bedwetting since before I met her which was over 8 years ago... So I figured I was completely over it and it was done... But my history with bedwetting had been always related to stressful and traumatic situations... ... So when I woke up and realized I had went to bed... I had no choice but to tell her

The funny part is I had mentioned that there was a problem when I was younger... And I pretty much glossed over it when we talked about that and other things when we were engaged

Either she didn't process what I told her at the time or maybe I just gave too many different bits of information in a short period of time and she just missed that part

The next night when it happened again she had said something about being worried because I had no history of bedwetting

I kind of stopped and asked her if she remembered when we talked about medical stuff and family history, shortly after we got engaged

I gave her the rundown of my history, straight down to a corrective surgery that I had when I was about 2 years old

... She actually didn't seem surprised

And she was much less worried about it knowing that I had a history of it

She and I both think that what causes this at least for me is all the trauma that I had growing up

I guess there's advantages to having a wife whose degree and background is in therapy and psychology, specializing in youth

Anyway I was very worried that when we talked about it that it would change our relationship in terrible ways

Honestly think we might be a lot closer... But maybe that's just cuz I feel like we can both short of laugh about the situation together...

Funny thing is I had always thought she would be the one who ended up in diapers or something... She pees about every 20 to 40 minutes... Which she's been doing since she was a little kid... I always prided myself on being able to go hours and hours and hours without going to the bathroom... Sometimes have even went nearly 12 hours... She assures me that that is not at all healthy and will eventually lead to problems

But I guess I feel much more manly if I'm in full control of everything I do

 

[Rainbow]

"'If fighting can lead to victory, then you must fight!' Sun Tzu said that, and I think he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it! And then he perfected it, so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor."

-- Soldier, Team Fortress 2

...That is to say, if there is a chance that your partner will understand, then you have to take that chance. And while I can't apply this full quote from an insane video character to an actually meaningful statement (it just sorta popped into my head), I can say that people must have fought this battle before you, and they must have won. They must have opened up to their partner, and with hearts laid bear, their partner has accepted them. If millions of people in the U.S. alone struggle with some form of incontinence, it is inconceivable that there aren't any success stories. It perhaps sullies my point that I don't have any specific examples to give you... But I can say this.

There are two outcomes. Either she is exactly who she seems to be and loves you for who you are, or she is not who she seems to be and loves only your appearance. The rulers of the world are mechanical hands, and they will not relinquish their motion for anything or anyone. Our existences will crumble into dust long before the inevitable heat death of the universe, and there will be nothing to dig up and frame in a museum. Either I just gave you an existential crisis, or I just relieved you of the burden of this moment in time. No matter what happens, it will fade away in the passage of time. The only thing that matters is that you do something, as if you do nothing, then nothing will happen, and you'll never know. It is a great waste, to never know. Fear is the only true enemy.

The truth is very plain. You can be loved just the way you are. You are special just the way you are; meaning, you don't have to do anything extraordinary in order for people to love you. Mister Rogers made both of the above claims, but he didn't say anything we don't already know -- he merely reminded us. We know, inside, that they're true. But you are also not special. You are not an outlier or a freak. You are Jess. And if you are who you are, and can be no one else, then when your partner gives something to you, they mean it. Love can only be freely given and received. You have to be free. How she reacts is on her -- but you have a chance. You must fight.

Also, if she "outs" you for a medical condition... like, c'mon, this isn't highschool anymore. Nobody decent is going to do that, and certainly nobody who's decent is going to see this as a reflection upon you. It's going to only look bad for the person outing you. Regardless, you've already been intimate with this person, meaning you've both already shared something between one another and you feel comfortable enough with her to share such a vulnerable moment with her, so that outcome is extremely unlikely. In fact, it's so unlikely, I would not worry about it in the slightest. It is fear speaking to you again.

We could always play the opposite game. What if she has certain issues of her own? What if she doesn't become less interested with you, but more so? But you'll never know if you do nothing.

I wish you all my best, Jess.

 

[Zeke]

... I always prided myself on being able to go hours and hours and hours without going to the bathroom... Sometimes have even went nearly 12 hours... She assures me that that is not at all healthy and will eventually lead to problems

But I guess I feel much more manly if I'm in full control of everything I do

When I used to drive semi nationwide I would often put off using the restroom for both functions. In 1989 I injured my neck just north of Coldfoot, Alaska on the haul road that resulted in a 2 level anterior cervical fusion a little over 2 years later, but it ended my driving career in late 1990. If it hadn’t I’m sure that my practice of delaying going to the restroom would quite possibly have caused me medical problems later in my life. It’s not clear how much this practice has to do with my current incontinence, but I’m sure that it didn’t help.

 

[greatlake5]

I REALLY need to hear some happy endings with this and any advice on “Having the conversation”?

This is a tough one. But I'll try...
I'm profoundly IC since the beginning. I've always been diaper dependent. I have a group of friends and only a few of them know I'm IC. They respect my privacy and they don't gossip. I started spending time with one particularly friend. We started first with cycling almost every weekend. Then we started playing tennis even during the winter (joined a tennis club with indoor tennis). And we still enjoy our group together. I never considered as anything but "good friend."

She started to ask questions that I wasn't really comfortable discussing. I would ignore the questions and direct answers to other questions. One evening she whispered to me "are you wearing a diaper?" Apparently she knew I didn't use the bathroom in the restaurant. Not exactly a public discussion but I told her that yes, I was wearing a diaper. She looked at me and whispered " don't worry, I know." At that point I finally admitted it and later in the evening I told her about being incontinent and I wear a diaper. She actually kissed my ear and finally my lips for the first time.

I was so worried about someone in my group that they might figure out my secret. And then it was her asking those questions. That conversation was difficult but necessary. After a few years and enjoying her company, she finally started to question me. Never thought I'd tell her anything about my diaper. It's so personal. When she kissed me that night I almost cried. I never thought anyone would ever like me in that way.

As it turned out, she had a crush on me for years. Really? I never considered a girlfriend. Of course I've accepted my IC. But have a girlfriend? Never.
Then she came became a friend first. Then we became close friends. And finally being partner. The point is you never know when someone asks a pointed question that you prefer not to answer. In the poster's question about "having a conversation," let me say that if you're IC, you never know when someone has an interest on you, despite you wear diapers. As it turned out, she's not afraid of me wearing a diaper. She knows it's a medical issue. And it doesn't stop her for loving me.

I know it's a little different about conversations. But they all end up knowing. You simply have to let yourself be vulnerable. In your situation, if it comes out that you wear diapers, it's not the end of the world. It's not fatal. And you might found out that, despite being IC, people still love you.

 

[jessraven]

This is a tough one. But I'll try...
I'm profoundly IC since the beginning. I've always been diaper dependent. I have a group of friends and only a few of them know I'm IC. They respect my privacy and they don't gossip. I started spending time with one particularly friend. We started first with cycling almost every weekend. Then we started playing tennis even during the winter (joined a tennis club with indoor tennis). And we still enjoy our group together. I never considered as anything but "good friend."

She started to ask questions that I wasn't really comfortable discussing. I would ignore the questions and direct answers to other questions. One evening she whispered to me "are you wearing a diaper?" Apparently she knew I didn't use the bathroom in the restaurant. Not exactly a public discussion but I told her that yes, I was wearing a diaper. She looked at me and whispered " don't worry, I know." At that point I finally admitted it and later in the evening I told her about being incontinent and I wear a diaper. She actually kissed my ear and finally my lips for the first time.

I was so worried about someone in my group that they might figure out my secret. And then it was her asking those questions. That conversation was difficult but necessary. After a few years and enjoying her company, she finally started to question me. Never thought I'd tell her anything about my diaper. It's so personal. When she kissed me that night I almost cried. I never thought anyone would ever like me in that way.

As it turned out, she had a crush on me for years. Really? I never considered a girlfriend. Of course I've accepted my IC. But have a girlfriend? Never.
Then she came became a friend first. Then we became close friends. And finally being partner. The point is you never know when someone asks a pointed question that you prefer not to answer. In the poster's question about "having a conversation," let me say that if you're IC, you never know when someone has an interest on you, despite you wear diapers. As it turned out, she's not afraid of me wearing a diaper. She knows it's a medical issue. And it doesn't stop her for loving me.

I know it's a little different about conversations. But they all end up knowing. You simply have to let yourself be vulnerable. In your situation, if it comes out that you wear diapers, it's not the end of the world. It's not fatal. And you might found out that, despite being IC, people still love you.

Oh my...thanks for sharing your story. I do feel a bit better thank u

 

[jessraven]

"'If fighting can lead to victory, then you must fight!' Sun Tzu said that, and I think he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it! And then he perfected it, so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor."

-- Soldier, Team Fortress 2

...That is to say, if there is a chance that your partner will understand, then you have to take that chance. And while I can't apply this full quote from an insane video character to an actually meaningful statement (it just sorta popped into my head), I can say that people must have fought this battle before you, and they must have won. They must have opened up to their partner, and with hearts laid bear, their partner has accepted them. If millions of people in the U.S. alone struggle with some form of incontinence, it is inconceivable that there aren't any success stories. It perhaps sullies my point that I don't have any specific examples to give you... But I can say this.

There are two outcomes. Either she is exactly who she seems to be and loves you for who you are, or she is not who she seems to be and loves only your appearance. The rulers of the world are mechanical hands, and they will not relinquish their motion for anything or anyone. Our existences will crumble into dust long before the inevitable heat death of the universe, and there will be nothing to dig up and frame in a museum. Either I just gave you an existential crisis, or I just relieved you of the burden of this moment in time. No matter what happens, it will fade away in the passage of time. The only thing that matters is that you do something, as if you do nothing, then nothing will happen, and you'll never know. It is a great waste, to never know. Fear is the only true enemy.

The truth is very plain. You can be loved just the way you are. You are special just the way you are; meaning, you don't have to do anything extraordinary in order for people to love you. Mister Rogers made both of the above claims, but he didn't say anything we don't already know -- he merely reminded us. We know, inside, that they're true. But you are also not special. You are not an outlier or a freak. You are Jess. And if you are who you are, and can be no one else, then when your partner gives something to you, they mean it. Love can only be freely given and received. You have to be free. How she reacts is on her -- but you have a chance. You must fight.

Also, if she "outs" you for a medical condition... like, c'mon, this isn't highschool anymore. Nobody decent is going to do that, and certainly nobody who's decent is going to see this as a reflection upon you. It's going to only look bad for the person outing you. Regardless, you've already been intimate with this person, meaning you've both already shared something between one another and you feel comfortable enough with her to share such a vulnerable moment with her, so that outcome is extremely unlikely. In fact, it's so unlikely, I would not worry about it in the slightest. It is fear speaking to you again.

We could always play the opposite game. What if she has certain issues of her own? What if she doesn't become less interested with you, but more so? But you'll never know if you do nothing.

I wish you all my best, Jess.

Thank u

 

[Rainbow]

This is a tough one. But I'll try...
I'm profoundly IC since the beginning. I've always been diaper dependent. I have a group of friends and only a few of them know I'm IC. They respect my privacy and they don't gossip. I started spending time with one particularly friend. We started first with cycling almost every weekend. Then we started playing tennis even during the winter (joined a tennis club with indoor tennis). And we still enjoy our group together. I never considered as anything but "good friend."

She started to ask questions that I wasn't really comfortable discussing. I would ignore the questions and direct answers to other questions. One evening she whispered to me "are you wearing a diaper?" Apparently she knew I didn't use the bathroom in the restaurant. Not exactly a public discussion but I told her that yes, I was wearing a diaper. She looked at me and whispered " don't worry, I know." At that point I finally admitted it and later in the evening I told her about being incontinent and I wear a diaper. She actually kissed my ear and finally my lips for the first time.

I was so worried about someone in my group that they might figure out my secret. And then it was her asking those questions. That conversation was difficult but necessary. After a few years and enjoying her company, she finally started to question me. Never thought I'd tell her anything about my diaper. It's so personal. When she kissed me that night I almost cried. I never thought anyone would ever like me in that way.

As it turned out, she had a crush on me for years. Really? I never considered a girlfriend. Of course I've accepted my IC. But have a girlfriend? Never.
Then she came became a friend first. Then we became close friends. And finally being partner. The point is you never know when someone asks a pointed question that you prefer not to answer. In the poster's question about "having a conversation," let me say that if you're IC, you never know when someone has an interest on you, despite you wear diapers. As it turned out, she's not afraid of me wearing a diaper. She knows it's a medical issue. And it doesn't stop her for loving me.

I know it's a little different about conversations. But they all end up knowing. You simply have to let yourself be vulnerable. In your situation, if it comes out that you wear diapers, it's not the end of the world. It's not fatal. And you might found out that, despite being IC, people still love you.

This is a beautiful story, kind person. It was actually helpful for me to read, and I'm not IC. It's a hopeful story, and hope is sometimes what someone needs to carry them through the next day. I wish you and everyone else in this thread my very best.

 

[Edgewater]

I became 24/7, U-IC as a result of a Car Crash! My dear wife knew before I did as I had s string of post crash surgeries.

In my opinion, you are late starting this dissuasion, but better now than to wait any longer.

" (name), I never believed that I would love someone one as deeply as I love you!
I have come to fear that I may loose you since I am less than a perfect person. I have a medical condition that you may find unacceptable. I am Incontinent and have been for (time). I know that I should have told you sooner, but again, I never believed that I would have found such a wonderful person..."

 

[Oceansky2021]

Good luck and I just started to open up a out being incontinent with my staff and no matter what you are loved how knows maybe she is is incontinent as will

 

[Dinotopian2002]

i‘ve been seeing a new person for the past month and it seems like it’s getting more serious. It’s sort of long distance and we have not spent the night together yet...but it’s going to happen very soon. I’ve had to totally hide my incontinence problems. I even wore pads and panties and always discretes, and removed them before intimacy (thank god I didn’t have an accident)...and I even fasted and cut back on liquids so I won’t like have anything in me to go ...yes I know it’s crazy and not sustainable...but I really like her. she knows I have “pee problems,” and I have told her I have leaks....I haven’t told her that I diaper 24/7. like today I was on the phone with her in a FaceTime and I had to go off camera as I literally peed and pooped my diaper while I was talking with her while I was on my walk. She asked if I was ok and I told her I had to go...and I called her back. It just raised the whole topic in my head...I can’t hide thismuch longer and I’m terrified....omg and I worry if I tell her and it doesn’t work out...that she’d out me...

i REALLY need to hear some happy endings with this and any advice on “Having the conversation”? I guess I won’t know until I try...Never been in this position before because I’m now fully 24/7 and I wasn’t before....but anytime it got serious in the past once they found out i peed myself it got weird....not even talking about the other... help

Hi @jessraven

You’re right - this isn’t an easy topic to bring up, but the sooner you can do so, the better. Thankfully you’ve already hinted to your girlfriend that you have leakage issues so when you do explain it in full, it won’t be a complete shock to her.

Keep in mind that any good relationship is built on trust, and while it won’t be easy, being open about this with your girlfriend may actually deepen your relationship, rather than be a barrier that gets in the way.

I think the important thing to emphasise to your girlfriend is that it’s a medical issue - and it’s not a lifestyle choice - you need to wear diapers to stay clean and dry.

My girlfriend and I have now been together six months, and I remember worrying about having this conversation too. I also had to tell her about my other disabilities and wheelchair as well, which helped make it easier to understand, but also more difficult to hide. I was very nervous, but I felt I had to do it before seeing her.

One of the ways that works for us to make it more fun, is that when I see my girlfriend, I let her pick what kind of diapers I’m going to wear around her, to give her something nicer to look at, to make it feel more normal and to reduce my guilt at having to wear them. She also knows that I’m way more confident in a thick padded ABDL diaper because it means I don’t have to worry about accidents around her. And yes, most of she does change me when we’re together too, but that’s partly due to my physical limitations.

I hope this gives you some courage to bring this up with your girlfriend in turn.

Breathe Deep, Seek Peace
Dinotopian2002

 

[DreamerBenenedicte]

i‘ve been seeing a new person for the past month and it seems like it’s getting more serious. It’s sort of long distance and we have not spent the night together yet...but it’s going to happen very soon. I’ve had to totally hide my incontinence problems. I even wore pads and panties and always discretes, and removed them before intimacy (thank god I didn’t have an accident)...and I even fasted and cut back on liquids so I won’t like have anything in me to go ...yes I know it’s crazy and not sustainable...but I really like her. she knows I have “pee problems,” and I have told her I have leaks....I haven’t told her that I diaper 24/7. like today I was on the phone with her in a FaceTime and I had to go off camera as I literally peed and pooped my diaper while I was talking with her while I was on my walk. She asked if I was ok and I told her I had to go...and I called her back. It just raised the whole topic in my head...I can’t hide thismuch longer and I’m terrified....omg and I worry if I tell her and it doesn’t work out...that she’d out me...

i REALLY need to hear some happy endings with this and any advice on “Having the conversation”? I guess I won’t know until I try...Never been in this position before because I’m now fully 24/7 and I wasn’t before....but anytime it got serious in the past once they found out i peed myself it got weird....not even talking about the other... help

Hi Jessraven,
Did you told her yet?
Curious to know it turns out. I might have the same conversation soon

 

[ILuvDiapers]

i‘ve been seeing a new person for the past month and it seems like it’s getting more serious. It’s sort of long distance and we have not spent the night together yet...but it’s going to happen very soon. I’ve had to totally hide my incontinence problems. I even wore pads and panties and always discretes, and removed them before intimacy (thank god I didn’t have an accident)...and I even fasted and cut back on liquids so I won’t like have anything in me to go ...yes I know it’s crazy and not sustainable...but I really like her. she knows I have “pee problems,” and I have told her I have leaks....I haven’t told her that I diaper 24/7. like today I was on the phone with her in a FaceTime and I had to go off camera as I literally peed and pooped my diaper while I was talking with her while I was on my walk. She asked if I was ok and I told her I had to go...and I called her back. It just raised the whole topic in my head...I can’t hide thismuch longer and I’m terrified....omg and I worry if I tell her and it doesn’t work out...that she’d out me...

i REALLY need to hear some happy endings with this and any advice on “Having the conversation”? I guess I won’t know until I try...Never been in this position before because I’m now fully 24/7 and I wasn’t before....but anytime it got serious in the past once they found out i peed myself it got weird....not even talking about the other... help

You really can't hide incontinence from your partner, nor should you have too! You should always just be open and honest, it's really so much easier, and less stressful than attempting to hide incontinence. How is that even possible long term?

I do understand your apprehension, but believe me honesty is an integral part of any relationship. Keeping secrets from each other, and then lying about the secret, is just never a good idea.

Have the conversation now, while you are still relatively early into the relationship. If she loves you, she will understand and accept it, If she doesn't accept it, then she never would, irrespective of when you have the conversation. I feel for you , your nerves must be in shreds!

I really hope it goes well for you, but if it doesn't, then it never would have. You can't make yourself un incontinent, it's a part of you.

Best of Luck

 

[jessraven]

Hi @jessraven

You’re right - this isn’t an easy topic to bring up, but the sooner you can do so, the better. Thankfully you’ve already hinted to your girlfriend that you have leakage issues so when you do explain it in full, it won’t be a complete shock to her.

Keep in mind that any good relationship is built on trust, and while it won’t be easy, being open about this with your girlfriend may actually deepen your relationship, rather than be a barrier that gets in the way.

I think the important thing to emphasise to your girlfriend is that it’s a medical issue - and it’s not a lifestyle choice - you need to wear diapers to stay clean and dry.

My girlfriend and I have now been together six months, and I remember worrying about having this conversation too. I also had to tell her about my other disabilities and wheelchair as well, which helped make it easier to understand, but also more difficult to hide. I was very nervous, but I felt I had to do it before seeing her.

One of the ways that works for us to make it more fun, is that when I see my girlfriend, I let her pick what kind of diapers I’m going to wear around her, to give her something nicer to look at, to make it feel more normal and to reduce my guilt at having to wear them. She also knows that I’m way more confident in a thick padded ABDL diaper because it means I don’t have to worry about accidents around her. And yes, most of she does change me when we’re together too, but that’s partly due to my physical limitations.

I hope this gives you some courage to bring this up with your girlfriend in turn.

Breathe Deep, Seek Peace
Dinotopian2002

Thank you for this.

 

[jessraven]

You really can't hide incontinence from your partner, nor should you have too! You should always just be open and honest, it's really so much easier, and less stressful than attempting to hide incontinence. How is that even possible long term?

I do understand your apprehension, but believe me honesty is an integral part of any relationship. Keeping secrets from each other, and then lying about the secret, is just never a good idea.

Have the conversation now, while you are still relatively early into the relationship. If she loves you, she will understand and accept it, If she doesn't accept it, then she never would, irrespective of when you have the conversation. I feel for you , your nerves must be in shreds!

I really hope it goes well for you, but if it doesn't, then it never would have. You can't make yourself un incontinent, it's a part of you.

Best of Luck

Thank you

 

[jessraven]

Hi Jessraven,
Did you told her yet?
Curious to know it turns out. I might have the same conversation soon

I have started to tell her a little more. It hasn’t gotten weird yet but I don’t know ...she seemed very accepting of things but i will have to see how she reacts when I have an accident or she really notices that I used my diaper. I will try to keep this thread open and share later on.