Having the “conversation” with a new partner

[ABDLlover]

My hubby is not incontinent but he does wear for comfort and pleasure. He had the desire as a child and into early teen then it went away for a very long time in which during that time we met, got married and had kids. Fast forward 20+ years later and the urgess re appeared. He was embarrassed and wasn't to sure about telling me but eventually did and i have never once thought any less of him. Honestly we have only gotten closer as a couple since he outed to me. I think the honesty, and trust helped alot on his behalf and the understanding and acceptance that helped on my behalf. Needless to say we are both happy as can be and in more love with eachother today than we have ever been in our 25 year relationship.

 

[kaitsux]

Honestly if it's for incontinence then it just needs to be said. It seems like you both really care about each other and I'm sure telling her would be for the better, please update the thread and let us know how it goes.

 

[DreamerBenenedicte]

First of all: congratulations for the effort you made and the nice evening you spent together!

Thank you Helmut!

This is the right spirit! Stand to your IC and find the most comfortable, good fitting, reliable enough products for your needs! Keep in mind that good products also have a good odor control system, and, if you drink enough (water) for good hydration, your pee also smells drastically less than if you avoid drinking.

Give your potential girlfriend/partner time to adjust and get used to your padding. A loving partner doesn't care at all about some light pee smell sometimes, and shouldn't be anxious to touch your protection (maybe at the beginning only from outside). Hey, my wife is not incontinent at all, but it's purely natural that she smells a little from her natural body fluids, does this prevent me from touching her down there (and more...)? For sure not, and a little pee smell (or even the knowledge that there IS pee) won't prevent me either. A few drops of pee are not poisonous, maybe these are things you should talk about.

I know you are trying to help me dedramatise my issues. And as a girl I'm well aware of the various body fluids depending of our cycle.
I don't have huge experience in dating girls but I have never been put of by their smell down their. Even after a long day without freshen up it could remain an attractive smell
In my case it's more complicated. With mild urinary retention my smell is more like when you have an UTI. Sorry if it's TMI but I call it a fishy smell. Maybe less than when I have an actual UTI but still very unpleasant. And I go through pee samples to make sure but I have this even without infection. The worst is that my skin smells more than the wet protections...
So fishy and stale pee smell is really not what my girlfriend is expecting when I get naked .
To be honest, in the morning, I even me find it disgusting sometimes. I don't like to deal with it first thing when waking up but I can't stand the smell during breakfast...
So for now, when we will be ready again, I will need a good cleaning in the shower before anything more than foreplay
And I'm not ready at all to show me in front of her with my protections visible. Except maybe panties and pad (already happened when I was leaving the bathroom after a shower).

Be sure that you have really proper protection that absolutely reliable keeps not only your clothing, but also always the furniture and the bed dry, that was for my wife something quite important. She doesn't care if my padding (especially in bed) is thicker, as long as anything stays dry it's fine. But of courseI choose my diapers in a way that they are reliable enough but still as discreet as possible (during the day).

That's exactly what my girlfriend said, please not too visible during the day. But please use something appropriate at night. She admitted that seeing me with wet pyjamas and staines sheets disturbed her. And she wouldn't like getting wet. Bulkier protection under my pyjamas wouldn't have change anything to her compared to an already bulky pull up

All the Best for you! - Helmut

You to,
Benedicte

 

[Dinotopian2002]

Hi all,
Here is some news.

Our diner and evening together was nice

I was so nervous at first... But after a long hug we started a deep open-minded talk.

I think I barely never felt authorized to speak as freely without being judged. It felt good (even better than with my psychologist)! Also a bit weird to discuss in details my incontinence issues seating on her couch with a glass of wine.

I told her how I felt miserable to be ditched because of health issues that I can't control. That I got so many bad reactions from potential partners in the past that I'm feeling very insecure.

She admitted that it's difficult for her to cope with my issues. That it changed the way she sees me as a girlfriend. That my issues are worst than she initially understood and that it impacts a lot of things regarding our relationship (psychological, practical...). She had the feeling that I tried to hide the most inconvenient parts to her. Inconveniences like permanent use of big protections, leaks, smells, required number of without warning bathroom breaks...

The worst and awkward part of the talk was when she confess that she had doubts about my laziness and hygiene about it. In the same time she seemed kind and ready to understand me.

So I explained in details how difficult it is for me to deal with it. That I wanted to impress her and hide my real issues to both of us. That for once I wanted to feel attractive and desired. But it might not have been the best way to deal with my incontinence. I explained her in detail without underestimate what I face with and how I deal with it. Explained that at the moment my OAB is at is worst, that I don't manage to properly empty my bladder so that it dribbles and gushes regularly by itself. Hence the difficulty to remain dry. Even while being close to the bathrooms and the need to use more than thin pads. Even worse during the night.

Even got up and showed her the waistband of my thin Tena Pant pull up. It was so strange to see her examine me and state that it was only visible under my jeans because she knows I have it on.

At the end we both seemed relieved about this talk. She told me that she will try to overcome her preconceived feeling about incontinence and attached stigmas. That she still wants to see me and will do her best to support me. And I agreed to to my best to manage my issues in a responsible way without feeling ashamed.

Afterward, the subject was not discussed again during diner. I loved the afterward cuddling under a blanket on her couch. We didn't even watched the TV show (always on pause because we wanted to talk). But we both agreed that we wouldn't spend the night together yet.

When I woke up from her couch I felt more wet than expected (felt me dribble but wasn't worried or too uncomfortable to get up and change). But she looked strangely at me and at her couch. Don't know if she smelled me when we lift up the blanket (I'm getting quite nose blind), if my protection was oddly more bulging or if she was only worried about potential leaks on her couch... However I felt awkward with her reaction. And didn't felt comfortable with the idea to replace my protection before leaving. Maybe to show off and let her know it wasn't so bad and could wail til home. I will talk to her about that next time . I guess she needs time to adjust with my issues.

Then we had a proper kiss and I went home. We will have another diner at home this evening. I look forward to it. She is so cute and I love spending time with her . Hope we will make it work!

Hi @DreamerBenenedicte

I’m pleased you and your partner are willing to try and make it work, and not let your bladder control get in the way of things.

I wish you the best of luck finding better protection - I appreciate you want to keep things discreet, but in doubt, a slightly thicker diaper is way more discreet than a leaking pad.

I hope things continue to go well with your girlfriend as things develop. When you’ve found a daytime diaper that fits your needs, it may be worth doing a bit of clothes shopping while wearing them, so you can find some clothes which can make look less obvious. Plain-coloured onesies (which look a bit like leotards) can also make them less bulky too.

I do understand your struggles, as nerve damage from chronic illness has meant I need to pad up more as my bladder control worsened. While it still fluctuates, I still prefer to wear a tape-on diaper 24/7 as it’s just easier to manage that way.

More recently I’ve had to go through an even bigger lifestyle change - getting a new wheelchair, as my chronic illness means I can’t walk - another reason for diapers.

I've managed well with a manual wheelchair since I first got sick, but because my workload is getting busier, I now need an electric wheelchair so my body can keep up with everything. It’s a big adjustment but if it helps, it’s worth it. I’m worried it somehow makes me less of a person, but in reality it will help me do more without tiring out so much.

What I’m trying to say is that if you need thicker diapers to get through your day, there’s no shame in that.

Breathe Deep, Seek Peace
Dinotopian2002

 

[DreamerBenenedicte]

We are all Human and are faced with having discussions regarding our Incontinence with others to obtain help, support and more importantly understanding. The vast majority of those we will be talking with have little to no understanding of Incontinence even most medical staff.

@Edgewater
I plan to go this afternoon to my nearby medical store to ask for help. I hope they will help me find appropriate products.
I plan to be upfront without minimising my issues.
But do you mean that even medical staff don't have the understanding of incontinence issues and products do deal with it?

 

[Bigbabybret]

So, for night, just go with a tape on diaper, something with enough to handle more than you can ever put out...I use a megamax, and yes it's bulky, but i might get a leak on pjs once a year, so that has become a non issue.

Also by reducing your fluid intake you are increasing your posibility of an UTI. also it causes more urine smell as well.

So, drink regular, and just get a good diaper for overnight. In all reality a diaper that is 1/2 as thick is not going to make it not noticable to your partner, so in reality a thicker one is just better, they know you have one on and it's actually the responsible thing to have one that doesnt leak.

So, if it was me, and i've been IC since birth at night, and have been always wearing tape on diapers at night forever. Havent had anyone leave cause of a diaper ever, but perhaps having wet sheets and smells are more an issue than a thicker diaper i'd say.

So, just bite the bullet and get some proper diapers and keep her dry overnight.

 

[daylight]

We are all Human and are faced with having discussions regarding

We are all human is all that needs to be said.

 

[Edgewater]

@Edgewater
I plan to go this afternoon to my nearby medical store to ask for help. I hope they will help me find appropriate products.
I plan to be upfront without minimising my issues.
But do you mean that even medical staff don't have the understanding of incontinence issues and products do deal with it?

Understanding that your specific needs differ from my specific needs and as a result without product knowledge greater that "they are found on shelves 7 & 8. Point is just asking for help may not be enough. You want someone with a functional understanding.

The knowledge base required in the vast number of specialities is to say the least, huge and as a result unless an individual has specific experience in our small segment it would be unfair to believe most know what being Incontinent is and what an individual who wears protection needs for their specific variation.

Since you went to a Medical Supply Store, I hope you were able to receive good support.