Should i use this argument with the wife?

[PaddedinHaslet]

First a bit of backstory. So I have been a DL for my whole life. I’m 43 now and have been married for 20 years. I made the mistake of waiting until 10 years after being married before confessing to my wife that I liked wearing and using diapers. She freaked out and almost took the kids and left. Fast forward to 10 years later and while she still hates it, she has given me permission to wear on my alone time. The problem is that I never have alone time because work together and we have kids at home. I will have the rare day off of work where o have the house to myself, but that’s like twice a year.

And here is now my question. My wife loves tattoos and has always known that I do not. Especially on a woman. She knew this going into marriage and she did not have any at the time. Since then, she has got two tattoos against my wishes. Not behind my back, but she basically said I wan one so deal with it. She is now looking to get a 3rd tattoo and im about to lay down a deal saying “if you get a 3rd tattoo knowing that I don’t like them, then I should be free to wear my diapers whenever I want”. Of course, it would only be when appropriate. I will never wear around my kids but I would love to wear to bed sometimes without fear of a flip out. Or if the kids are out of the house for whatever reason and we are alone.

Do you guys recommend this approach? Am I being too petty with the tattoo thing or do I have a right to something I enjoy in exchange for something she enjoys?

 

[Diaperedlife13]

I mean. My honest opinion. If she can't accept you for who you are. And allow you to be yourself. Then why even still be married. We only get one life. When spend it hiding in shame around the one person you should be able to be free with.

 

[RukTheKansasDiaperLover]

If you can’t accept each other maybe this isn’t the marriage for you

 

[PaddedinHaslet]

If you can’t accept each other maybe this isn’t the marriage for you

I never said I don’t accept her. I just have never liked tattoos, but I’m not going to leave her because she has them. Just like she has told me she won’t leave me because of my diapers, but I just hate that I have to hide them from her. She wants to live like I don’t ever wear them.

 

[theancientmariner]

Arguing will not solve anything. This is a matter best left in privacy imo. We can say what we think here, but it's your marriage with kids involved, so I'd find a compromise somewhere to mend your life.

 

[Subtlerustle]

Interesting approach. Perhaps a more simplified version is what gives her joy and what gives you joy. She may come back and say “yeah but diapers are weird”. To which my reply would be “true… and so is inking up your body”. We are all weird or perhaps just unique. Either way maritally speaking you could say “wouldn’t it make sense to agree that we respect each others needs even if we don’t agree on them”? Diapers or tattoos are not existential ideas that should trigger deep conflict. If they do then the source of that angst needs to be explored.

 

[Edgewater]

Well, Subtlerustle has several really good points you should consider. After all:

So are her tattoos clearly visible or hidden?

If in the open, then you have an equal opportunity to wear your diapers openly?
If hidden, then you have the same opportunity to wear under other clothing!

As you step ahead in this, just remember how exposed are you willing to be? As her next could be to outing your diaper wearing!

I would strongly recommend that you consider what Subtlerustle state!

 

[PaddedinHaslet]

Well, Subtlerustle has several really good points you should consider. After all:

So are her tattoos clearly visible or hidden?

If in the open, then you have an equal opportunity to wear your diapers openly?
If hidden, then you have the same opportunity to wear under other clothing!

As you step ahead in this, just remember how exposed are you willing to be? As her next could be to out your diaper wearing!

I would strongly recommend that you consider what Subtlerustle state!

One is visible on her fore arm, the other is on her shoulder blade and only visible with tank tops. For me, I’m not asking to walk around in an exposed diaper. I would be happy just to have one on under my clothes.

 

[nappyboy2]

I would avoid doing this , yes I know you want to wear more and stuff but using something your partner does as leverage is really good for s honest equals relationship.

Speak to her by all means , explain what you want but I worry that if you aren’t careful she’s going to get cross and you might regret what happens next

 

[LittleAndAlone]

She sounds like a one sided control freak. Tells you you're 'not allowed' to do something but then tells you to deal with it when things are reversed? Oh hell no.

She definitely seems the type to keep the kids from you and tell everyone about the diapers.

 

[PadPhilosopher]

Don't. Don't don't don't. If the opportunity presents itself to gently point out to her how unfair this is, in a spirit of gentleness and love, it might help her to see it. To attempt to use leverage to manipulate her this way is unloving and wrong. Be the example of loving acceptance, and she may follow. Manipulate her and she will revolt.

 

[KaleidoscopeKitty]

I think giving an ultimatum is never a good idea in a relationship, ‘If you get a tattoo I’ll start wearing diapers’ is unlikely to go down well. It would be reasonable to have a conversation about diapers, to talk to her about the fact that you never get alone time and that you would like to be able to wear, under clothes, occasionally when the kids aren’t around. However if it’s a deal breaker for her there possibly isn’t much you can do or say to get her to agree to this, certainly you don’t have a ‘right’ to wear them now because she’s got a tattoo. Actually to clarify you do have the right to wear diapers whenever you want, your body your choice, but the issue is she has the right to say she won’t put up with it and to leave. I guess that’s why it would be better to bring it up as a conversation rather than an ultimatum, because if she’s unwilling to accept them you can’t force her to and if it’s a dealbreaker it might push her away.

 

[PaddedinHaslet]

I guess I’m not viewing it as an ultimatum but more of a compromise. Isnt that what marriage is about. Not getting your way, but compromising and coming to an understanding on things? This isn’t just picking out a paint color or which type of bathroom towels to get, which I couldn’t care less about, this is something I feel strongly about and if I am forced to just hide it away, it drives me crazy.

 

[PadPhilosopher]

I guess I’m not viewing it as an ultimatum but more of a compromise. Isnt that what marriage is about. Not getting your way, but compromising and coming to an understanding on things? This isn’t just picking out a paint color or which type of bathroom towels to get, which I couldn’t care less about, this is something I feel strongly about and if I am forced to just hide it away, it drives me crazy.

I think the situation could be used as an illustration to help her see the need for compromise, but you have to approach it in a loving, compassionate way, so that she hears you asking for reciprocity of understanding and acceptance on something that is important to you, rather than making demands and being manipulative. I'm not saying you'd mean it that way, but she will feel it that way if you don't approach it properly.

And the people suggesting this would be something over which to end the marriage...... Wow. Some things are more important than life being fair.

 

[Belarin]

Honestly my potentially controversial and possibly not really helpful thoughts on this are...

If you are actually thinking of using this as an argument for why she should let you wear diapers more, then you have much deeper and more important problems that need be addressed first.

the "key" word I'm taking from your post is "should I use this argument with my wife". I understand that you probably don't mean argument in the form of starting a fight but that's exactly what will come from using something like her tattoo's (that you don't like) to argue your case for wearing diapers more (which she doesn't like).

You should never be looking for arguments for anything when it comes to relationships, it will only lead to unhappiness and pushing each other away. An argument for something is a stance, a one sided view from an individual point of view, everyone has their view and will fight their own corner.

I expect the way you actually meant this question is more like "can I use this as persuasion to let me wear diapers?" but even this applies an aggressive stance on your part. In this case persuasion equates to leverage... "you want to do this thing that you know I don't like so you have to let me do something I want that you don't like or you can't do it." It is essentially the same as blackmail and would be the same as saying "I know you did ____, so now you have to let me do this." even if you never say it, the "or else" on the end of that is implied.

Any way you put it to her coming from this angle is going to come across as "fighting talk". You need to find a different angle to approach it from.

You need to sit down with her and communicate, communication by it's very definition relies on two or more people talking together, no one sided arguments, discussing what you feel and listening to how the other person feels and then working together to find some common ground and compromise.

It would be better to talk and say something along the lines of...

"I know we've discussed this before and it makes you uncomfortable, you don't like it and that is OK, just like how I really don't like tattoo's but have accepted you getting them because I know it makes you happy and I want you to be happy. You said that I can wear when I'm alone but it's very rare that I get much time alone to indulge this, can we discuss other options that might be acceptable for us both. I'm not asking you to get involved and I don't want to intrude on you but there are bound to be times we can work out that I can wear and you won't even notice"

Hopefully you can engage in a meaningful conversation and find some compromise with her, but please don't go looking for ways to "argue" your side or you may find yourself on the wrong side of a divorce hearing.

 

[PaddedinHaslet]

You’re right. Argument is the wrong word. I guess it should be “should I use this as a compromise with my wife”. I’m not looking to pick a fight, but I am asking if I should even bring it up at all. To me, it’s like “okay, we went to your favorite restaurant last time, so now we should go to mine.” Or “you picked the movie last time so now I should be able to pick the movie.” Things like that. I just can’t imagine I should be expected to sit back and just be cool with something I don’t like, but she can’t be expected to take the same stance with my thing.

 

[RukTheKansasDiaperLover]

Sound

I never said I don’t accept her. I just have never liked tattoos, but I’m not going to leave her because she has them. Just like she has told me she won’t leave me because of my diapers, but I just hate that I have to hide them from her. She wants to live like I don’t ever wear them.

Sounds Toxic..

 

[Kayleigh]

Padded:
You seem to be headed into a period of one-up-manship which never turns out well. Communication and discussion are the best next steps not “if you, then I”.
I would suggest that you try to get to the core of why each of you have objections to diapers and tattoos. For example, I have somewhat of a no win situation with my wife because her whole view of me as a husband and man is destroyed if she sees me in a diaper or panties. I can try logic and other rationales in a discussion with her but they fail when up against her view, bred from her age, her upbringing, her father, etc. I mention this as I don’t know what her objections are to you wearing. I also don’t know what your objections are to her tattoos. Since you have been living with her tattoos, perhaps your objections are easier to overcome as opposed to her objections over your diapers. Remember that women are more affected by environment, etc. than men. It may be a lot easier for you be disappointed with a tattoo and just deal with it. Perhaps the vision of you in a diaper is not as easy for her to deal with.

 

[TheMat]

It sounds like you both really need to sit down with a marriage counselor. Your marriage is in trouble. You feeling like you need your wife’s permission to do what you want to do but she doesn’t feel like she needs your permission to do what she wants is not how a healthy marriage works.

 

[messydiaper]

I agree with the "don't do it" answers you've gotten. In my experience, my wife's approach to life is not open to such arguments and I wouldn't try that on her. I like the communication advice and think I would try a wear anyway approach but not bring it up as a topic of discussion.

And to my wife's credit, she says, "It's just a different type of underwear. Get over it!"