important question for those transitioning like i am

[mistykitty]

I am m to f transitioning and utilize a preferred name everywhere at all times except on paperwork. According my understanding of regulations regarding names and identity where I live this is acceptable. My employer insists that they can not use my preferred name or preferred pronouns and have to use my legal name which goes against what this law suggests. Work is the only place that utilizes my preferred name anymore and quite frankly it is upsetting to me because it feels really disrespectful. Some employees do but most the supervisors and management do not. I believed it for a while but after some more thorough research I believe this might be a discriminatory action by my employer. Has anyone dealt with this sort of situation before? If my employer can be using my preferred name and just doesn't want to I have a problem with that and want to pursue the matter because then it does constitute discriminatory behavior which I will not accept. I just was curious if anyone else has dealt with this situation or a similar one or had any relevant input.

 

[mistykitty]

@Turfy Is it possible to have this thread removed? I posted it here thinking it was relevant but the longer I left it the more I realize it isn't. I apologize for this mistake and I'll make sure to be more aware of what I post in the future. Thank you for all you and the other mods do for adisc.

 

[KBoy]

It seems relevant to me
I imagine there are other abdl's who face similar problems
The work place is fierce and people need to know what they're rights are, and how to deal with it
It's good post mistykitty

 

[littleFeathers]

I don't have any good answers, but I do know that the IRS (US tax agency) requires that names match up on all paperwork, so whatever your legal name is has to be on the payroll records for reporting to the IRS.

The rest is cultural. Back when I started flying decades ago I picked up the nickname B--------, and that's what everyone calls me, even though officially my name is T-----. If anyone asks, I tell them that the official spelling is all silent letters and it's pronounced B-------- (with a nod to the late George Carlin, who noted that there are no rules for pronouncing proper names). I know a couple people at work who go by middle names too.

 

[mistykitty]

It seems relevant to me
I imagine there are other abdl's who face similar problems
The work place is fierce and people need to know what they're rights are, and how to deal with it
It's good post mistykitty

Thank you for that it makes me feel a bit better. I felt like I was being selfish.

 

[mistykitty]

I don't have any good answers, but I do know that the IRS (US tax agency) requires that names match up on all paperwork, so whatever your legal name is has to be on the payroll records for reporting to the IRS.

The rest is cultural. Back when I started flying decades ago I picked up the nickname B--------, and that's what everyone calls me, even though officially my name is T-----. If anyone asks, I tell them that the official spelling is all silent letters and it's pronounced B-------- (with a nod to the late George Carlin, who noted that there are no rules for pronouncing proper names). I know a couple people at work who go by middle names too.

Give yourself more credit because I think that was a good answer. Thank you for your input @littleFeathers

 

[Edgewater]

I am going to pass with providing a detailed comment as until the US Federal Government and more specifically the IRS, SSA and a few more catch-up, Employers are caught in the middle of dammed if they do and dammed if they do not position!

If you joined this organization prior to you beginning your transition, the documentation you provided regarding who you are still holds until you fully transition and obtain, new documentation from the Federal than State Governments.

May your full transition be successful!

 

[mistykitty]

I am going to pass with providing a detailed comment as until the US Federal Government and more specifically the IRS, SSA and a few more catch-up, Employers are caught in the middle of dammed if they do and dammed if they do not position!

If you joined this organization prior to you beginning your transition, the documentation you provided regarding who you are still holds until you fully transition and obtain, new documentation from the Federal than State Governments.

May your full transition be successful!

Ok, you make some fair points there.

 

[michaelmc]

I am m to f transitioning and utilize a preferred name everywhere at all times except on paperwork. According my understanding of regulations regarding names and identity where I live this is acceptable. My employer insists that they can not use my preferred name or preferred pronouns and have to use my legal name which goes against what this law suggests. Work is the only place that utilizes my preferred name anymore and quite frankly it is upsetting to me because it feels really disrespectful. Some employees do but most the supervisors and management do not. I believed it for a while but after some more thorough research I believe this might be a discriminatory action by my employer. Has anyone dealt with this sort of situation before? If my employer can be using my preferred name and just doesn't want to I have a problem with that and want to pursue the matter because then it does constitute discriminatory behavior which I will not accept. I just was curious if anyone else has dealt with this situation or a similar one or had any relevant input.

Hiya Misty
My friend transitioned op and all i just helped her move home today She says "you can't expect everyone to accept my choices and miss gendering is just big sign over them saying disrespectful " shes thick skind and just lets it slide its not worth hassle off arguing with the ignorant , and i think she's right when you see the results off the ignorant miss gendering on youtube its just horrible and can get ugly .
Me i would reply to a man miss gendering me "sorry miss what did you say" thus returning the miss gender see ow they like it
Sadly not everyone is accepting and some down right mean and hurtful and some just accidental or just not thinking , ask can trans expect the world to conform around them instead off adjusting to fit into th main stream ? i don't expect full acceptence myself far from it ! although it would be nice!

 

[mistykitty]

Hiya Misty
My friend transitioned op and all i just helped her move home today She says "you can't expect everyone to accept my choices and miss gendering is just big sign over them saying disrespectful " shes thick skind and just lets it slide its not worth hassle off arguing with the ignorant , and i think she's right when you see the results off the ignorant miss gendering on youtube its just horrible and can get ugly .
Me i would reply to a man miss gendering me "sorry miss what did you say" thus returning the miss gender see ow they like it
Sadly not everyone is accepting and some down right mean and hurtful and some just accidental or just not thinking , ask can trans expect the world to conform around them instead off adjusting to fit into th main stream ? i don't expect full acceptence myself far from it ! although it would be nice!

I did expect there to be accidental occurrences and I am usually pretty good at letting some things roll off. I'm referring more to those there that do it deliberately. I have to say realistically I do know that full acceptance is a largely unlikely so I guess some is better then none

 

[michaelmc]

Like i said if you can ignore them or miss gender them in any repy but some off the idiots want to get a reaction out off you sadly !
Im going on holiday with her in the summer and i will be trans for the week for the experience so i have no doubt i will get some abuse wether it's dirty looks or sniggering , insults , miss gendering but im going to deal with it when it happens .

 

[mistykitty]

@michaelmc well the 2nd reason some of them deliberately opt not to use it is because I'm trying to get it legally changed and am having difficulties which they know frustrates me. But I guess you're right it's beyond my control until that occurs.

 

[kaitsux]

My employer insists that they can not use my preferred name or preferred pronouns and have to use my legal name

On documentation yes, just becuase like govermently that's what they need to write down. But genrally if you've let your employer know that you plan to change gender and ask they refer you by a certain name and they refuse depending on where you are that could be discrimination. I would get it in writing that they've said that and look into any kind of equality acts that are relevant to you.

 

[SluntyBunnyGurl]

I am m to f transitioning and utilize a preferred name everywhere at all times except on paperwork. According my understanding of regulations regarding names and identity where I live this is acceptable. My employer insists that they can not use my preferred name or preferred pronouns and have to use my legal name which goes against what this law suggests. Work is the only place that utilizes my preferred name anymore and quite frankly it is upsetting to me because it feels really disrespectful. Some employees do but most the supervisors and management do not. I believed it for a while but after some more thorough research I believe this might be a discriminatory action by my employer. Has anyone dealt with this sort of situation before? If my employer can be using my preferred name and just doesn't want to I have a problem with that and want to pursue the matter because then it does constitute discriminatory behavior which I will not accept. I just was curious if anyone else has dealt with this situation or a similar one or had any relevant input.

Change your name legally & find a new job where they respect your wishes. Obviously you aren’t appreciated where you work now.

 

[ShortMummy]

Yeah when I first transitioned my employers also would deadname and misgender me, even after I had legally changed my name. I had to quit and find a new job, when I did I was stealth and no one knew I was trans, so no more deadnaming or misgendering at all. Its disappointing that we have to jump through so many hoops just to be ourselves, but, unfortunately people are still learning to respect each other.

 

[rbm]

as far as i know you can change your name to anything you want. the only thing is your paper work will say m until you have your sex change

 

[JamisonFTM]

So I am 2 years into my transition. Though I am keeping my name as a nickname, I understand what u are going through. Before I came out at work, I talked with my manager and HR and I formally came out to my unit via email/fb (I work in a very large hospital). It took time and a lot of questions, but to my face, most people were supportive. Unfortunately, most people continued to misgender me, I would correct them if I felt it was intentional, but I set my own boundaries. I never wanted my patients to feel uncomfortable, so I never corrected anyone in front of patients. My coworkers took a long time to start using my correct pronouns, and it took hearing others use them correctly, and my allies being my best advocates and correcting others for me sometimes.

On paper, I am still female and have my legal name (my license will need to be changed too). But my manager, her manager, and unit leaders have all misgendered me in the past and apologized, and now slip up rarely.
I hope that your coworkers that are supportive of your transition are good allies to you and help to advocate for you too. Give it time and give people grace. Change and habits aren't formed overnight. For me, it took my friends and allies talking and others hearing my correct pronouns over and over, for others to catch on. U can't expect what is important to you to be as important to others, it doesn't mean they are intentionally disrespectful, they just don't know how important it is to us.
And to those that many be intentional with their misgendering/disregard of your chosen name. I am so sorry you have people like that in your job. I would definitely see what your company and state policy is on that, bc that would be blatant discrimination and bullying.

 

[mistykitty]

So I am 2 years into my transition. Though I am keeping my name as a nickname, I understand what u are going through. Before I came out at work, I talked with my manager and HR and I formally came out to my unit via email/fb (I work in a very large hospital). It took time and a lot of questions, but to my face, most people were supportive. Unfortunately, most people continued to misgender me, I would correct them if I felt it was intentional, but I set my own boundaries. I never wanted my patients to feel uncomfortable, so I never corrected anyone in front of patients. As coworkers have seen other coworkers catch on to my pronouns, and they would correct others, it is much better now.
On paper, I am still female and have my legal name (my license will need to be changed too). But my manager, her manager, and unit leaders have all misgendered me in the past and apologized, and now slip up rarely.
I hope that your coworkers that are supportive of your transition are go allies to you and help to advocate for you too. Give it time and give people grace. Change and habits aren't formed overnight. For me, it took my friends and allies talking and others hearing my correct pronouns over and over, for others to catch on. U can't expect what is important to you to be as important to others, it doesn't mean they are intentionally disrespectful, they just don't know how important it is to us.

Mine don't apologize. I've politely corrected them for almost a year now. That to me feels like effort is not even being made. I even have permission from our eeo department to wear a badge that has my preferred name and preferred pronouns on it so long as I have my legal badge with me to. You have some valid points but it's the length of time that doesn't add up for me.

 

[JamisonFTM]

Mine don't apologize. I've politely corrected them for almost a year now. That to me feels like effort is not even being made. I even have permission from our eeo department to wear a badge that has my preferred name and preferred pronouns on it so long as I have my legal badge with me to. You have some valid points but it's the length of time that doesn't add up for me.

Yes, I also have my pronouns on my badge too. That is always a good start. I don't know about your work place, but something else that has helped, I feel, is when nee people are hired, people who haven't known me before my transition. They tend to be more respectful and catch on faster to my pronouns.

 

[mistykitty]

Yes, I also have my pronouns on my badge too. That is always a good start. I don't know about your work place, but something else that has helped, I feel, is when nee people are hired, people who haven't known me before my transition. They tend to be more respectful and catch on faster to my pronouns.

We haven't brought in any new people for a while unfortunately.