Hard enough to love myself

[DavyBoy]

I’m already 24 years old and it’s hard for me to see beauty in myself. I prefer to see ugliness and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't imagine myself as an adult baby anymore, it will looks ridiculous. I spend most of my time at work, I have practically no personal life. My job is the only thing I can hold on to, I am very lucky with it and I have no room for error. Social phobia prevents me from being self-confident and seeking acquaintances, making me a hostage to my current job.

My parents left me nothing but debts, and my homeland wants me dead for my views, so I live as an immigrant in a foreign country. Therefore, I am in constant stress due to possible threats of dismissal, deportation, murder, and stress puts a lot of pressure on my health. Stress spoils my skin, hair, metabolism, I feel like I’m getting old, and it also negatively affects excess weight.

I weigh 133 kg, this is a lot, I know that I should to do some sports, but I often don’t have the time and energy for this, moreover, due to the same social phobia, I won’t be able to do it in front of anyone, so the gym is on my black list of places .

As a result of all this, every day I do nothing but suffer in a depressive infernal existential hell, with delayed life syndrome, dreaming that someday everything will change and I will be happy. I spend all my strength and all my time to achieve resources on the way to this goal, but everything always turns into tantalum torment.

I never ask for help, because I was raised to be strong, this mental cage in which I live is woven from particles of parental programming. I realize that we live in a cruel and terrible world where every day someone dies and that my life is not more valuable than theirs. Psychologists don’t know how to help me, because the roots of my problems are real and it’s very difficult to get rid of them.

I have many reasons to blame myself, somewhere I made the wrong choice and suffered, somewhere I made the right one and also suffered. Therefore, I always believe that I do not deserve anyone’s help; I take the blame not only for all the decisions I have made, but also for the causes and consequences of these decisions. Although the root causes of these decisions were never up to me. It is very difficult for me to love myself when you hate yourself for the path that led you to hopelessness, even realizing that it was probably the best path available.
Therefore, the practice of adult baby is the only way I can console my pain, the only way I can temporarily feel safe, not think about the bad, not think about what will happen tomorrow. I dream one day that I will have the opportunity to free my mind from all this, I feel cared for, loved and understood. But this sounds just like dreams of a happy life in the future, for which I suffer.

 

[PaddedPonyboy]

obviously i have no idea what you're going through on a personal level, but i just wanted to reach out and say i'm sorry you feel so overwhelmed

i also wanted to say that being any type of political refugee will have a massive toll on your mental health- you are going through something that a lot of people will never understand. that's an extreme type of trauma that a lot of folks will never have to endure. when you're going through trauma and hardship, everything in life is going to feel negative at times, because there is a lot of negativity all around you. it can be hard to pull your head out of that mindset when you are surrounded by bad things. i just wanted to acknowledge that you are going through one hell of a hard time, and naturally, it's going to be hard to be optimistic or see the beauty in things. you're surrounded by ugliness, and it's not your fault. you're neck deep in something that's eating away at your mental health and that's not your fault.

especially if you are working with little to no time to yourself, that takes another toll on one's mental health- you become a worker drone, just working and sleeping, rinse and repeat. you aren't being given the chance to be a person right now, you're surviving, you're not thriving. you're in survival mode. when all of your energy is going straight into keeping yourself alive, it's hard to look to the positives and comforts, because you've gotta keep yourself safe first and foremost. comfort comes after safety. if you haven't achieved safety yet, it's next to impossible to comfort yourself.

i hope things get better for you. i understand why you feel this way. i don't think you should blame yourself, that's another type of trauma response- you feel compelled to shoulder your guilt, but you are being failed by the people around you, and that's not your fault. if you have to put ABDL things aside for now, that's okay. it doesn't mean you have to stop being an ABDL, but if you need to focus on other things, that's fine. however i don't think you have to give up on it just because you're in a crappy place right now. if your heart isn't in it at the current moment that's okay. it sounds like other parts of you need nurturing, too. i hope you can start to thrive soon. take care of yourself.

 

[ShyGirl91]

I’m already 24 years old and it’s hard for me to see beauty in myself. I prefer to see ugliness and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't imagine myself as an adult baby anymore, it will looks ridiculous. I spend most of my time at work, I have practically no personal life. My job is the only thing I can hold on to, I am very lucky with it and I have no room for error. Social phobia prevents me from being self-confident and seeking acquaintances, making me a hostage to my current job.

My parents left me nothing but debts, and my homeland wants me dead for my views, so I live as an immigrant in a foreign country. Therefore, I am in constant stress due to possible threats of dismissal, deportation, murder, and stress puts a lot of pressure on my health. Stress spoils my skin, hair, metabolism, I feel like I’m getting old, and it also negatively affects excess weight.

I weigh 133 kg, this is a lot, I know that I should to do some sports, but I often don’t have the time and energy for this, moreover, due to the same social phobia, I won’t be able to do it in front of anyone, so the gym is on my black list of places .

As a result of all this, every day I do nothing but suffer in a depressive infernal existential hell, with delayed life syndrome, dreaming that someday everything will change and I will be happy. I spend all my strength and all my time to achieve resources on the way to this goal, but everything always turns into tantalum torment.

I never ask for help, because I was raised to be strong, this mental cage in which I live is woven from particles of parental programming. I realize that we live in a cruel and terrible world where every day someone dies and that my life is not more valuable than theirs. Psychologists don’t know how to help me, because the roots of my problems are real and it’s very difficult to get rid of them.

I have many reasons to blame myself, somewhere I made the wrong choice and suffered, somewhere I made the right one and also suffered. Therefore, I always believe that I do not deserve anyone’s help; I take the blame not only for all the decisions I have made, but also for the causes and consequences of these decisions. Although the root causes of these decisions were never up to me. It is very difficult for me to love myself when you hate yourself for the path that led you to hopelessness, even realizing that it was probably the best path available.
Therefore, the practice of adult baby is the only way I can console my pain, the only way I can temporarily feel safe, not think about the bad, not think about what will happen tomorrow. I dream one day that I will have the opportunity to free my mind from all this, I feel cared for, loved and understood. But this sounds just like dreams of a happy life in the future, for which I suffer.

I can feel the pain behind your words. I can tell you are under immense stress. It's okay if you're not okay. And it's okay to give yourself grace because you are worthy of it.

It took me many years until I accepted the parts of me that regress. I'm still learning and growing. It's a process.
It's okay to be yourself and nurture yourself.

You are keeping yourself alive in a world intent to kill. How can being an adult baby be bad when it provides safety for you?

I'm so sorry you're having a very hard time. I would give you a hug if I could.

 

[mistykitty]

@DavyBoy Like others have mentioned I am very sorry you are dealing with so much right now and it is totally understandable about being overwhelmed because of it. I was/am someone who tends to be independent and I'm used to helping others and not being the person who is receiving the help. The biggest thing I ever learned is when to accept I've done all I can and it's time to get some help but that does take practice to do. I have a lot of sources of stress and anxiety in my life to so that abdl doesn't always suffice to handle (though my little side helps a lot). I see a counselor on a regular basis just to talk and it sounds like that might not be a bad option for you to look into.

Like @ShyGirl91 said I wish I could reach through this screen and give you a hug right now because I to can feel your sadness and I was almost in tears when typing. The times we feel like blaming ourselves for things out of our control is when we have to learn to give ourselves a pass because you cannot account for everything no matter how hard you try. Try to practice some self forgiveness and I promise you it's hard at first but as you do it it's easier and you feel better. Do your best to handle this in a healthy manner through abdl or non-abdl means and I will keep you in my thoughts and hope for the best. Also, please know you have friends and support here and we're behind you to the best of our abilities. I truly hope everything improves for you


There was a saying always told to me when I was handling a lot of things so i hope it helps you out to. What's the simplest way to eat an elephant? Answer: One bite at a time.

In other words pace yourself because achieving small goals eventually lead to big ones, so start with small bites and then take progressively larger ones

 

[DavyBoy]

@PaddedPonyboy @ShyGirl91 @mistykitty I am very appreciate all of yours, and I feel your love and compassion. Unfortunately this all just calms for a while, like my ABDL practices does, but doesn't solve the problem which from my stress created of.

What's the simplest way to eat an elephant? Answer: One bite at a time.

I tried to do some plans and algorithms to reach my goals, operating by a cold logic with Decartes squares and etc, but I found nothing to do, because all the roads lead to the void. So when I try to do one thing, I miss an another one forever. And of course I am a very discharged human.

How can being an adult baby be bad when it provides safety for you?

I never said it is a bad thing, I love to be an adult baby, but I said that imagination of being an adult baby brokes of rocks of my self-dehumanisation, makes me feel am an ugly freak, and makes me feel I do not deserve love, care or other things belongs to it. So I just can't imagine how someone can like myself, when I totally dislike both my personality and appearance, and think that such cute stuff of a baby looks on me like a clown costume. Because its somekind an attempt to serve a poop as candy.

 

[Chimera]

All I can say is keep on doing your best to cope and move forward, Davy. One of the Ruski YouTubers I follow moved to Georgia like you did after the "special military operation" but recently, I dont know how, but he was able to get an EU visa in his passport and move to Portugal...so there is hope for Ruski citizens who can't just move back home.

I'm not sure how nfkrz did it, but he mentioned it involved a lot of traveling and spending about $10,000 over the course of 2023...hopefully you can do something similar and also get an EU visa. But I don't know your financial circumstances.

All the best! Don't your anxiety and depression get you down. Don't let your body define your soul, let your soul define your body.

Here's his video where he explains how he did it

 

[ShyGirl91]

@PaddedPonyboy @ShyGirl91 @mistykitty I am very appreciate all of yours, and I feel your love and compassion. Unfortunately this all just calms for a while, like my ABDL practices does, but doesn't solve the problem which from my stress created of.


I tried to do some plans and algorithms to reach my goals, operating by a cold logic with Decartes squares and etc, but I found nothing to do, because all the roads lead to the void. So when I try to do one thing, I miss an another one forever. And of course I am a very discharged human.


I never said it is a bad thing, I love to be an adult baby, but I said that imagination of being an adult baby brokes of rocks of my self-dehumanisation, makes me feel am an ugly freak, and makes me feel I do not deserve love, care or other things belongs to it. So I just can't imagine how someone can like myself, when I totally dislike both my personality and appearance, and think that such cute stuff of a baby looks on me like a clown costume. Because its somekind an attempt to serve a poop as candy.

That's rough, my friend. I know you didn't say being an AB is bad in those words; but your harsh words against yourself seem to imply you believe it is about yourself.

You are not an ugly freak! I know self-loathing well and I'm still working on loving myself because I used to loathe my entire being. A lot of this may just seem like words right now but I just wanted to express the truth and I hope you will come to believe you are loved and valuable.

 

[DavyBoy]

I'm not sure how nfkrz did it, but he mentioned it involved a lot of traveling and spending about $10,000 over the course of 2023...hopefully you can do something similar and also get an EU visa.

As he said it cost him everything, I will able to earn 10000 usd after two years only, living without all stuff that I need, eating nothing and live in nowhere.

He probably did the worker visa or digital nomad or investor visa.
It is very hypocritical when some Putin friends are able to obtain such visas being extremely rich, of stolen national goods. While 99% of the nation are unavailable by their poverty line that created by such bastards. I knew that if I somehow earn 450000 usd I could even purchase a citizenship from one of the Caribbean states, like Pavel Durov did. No one need people - everybody needs money.

 

[Spadon]

I’m already 24 years old and it’s hard for me to see beauty in myself. I prefer to see ugliness and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't imagine myself as an adult baby anymore, it will looks ridiculous. I spend most of my time at work, I have practically no personal life. My job is the only thing I can hold on to, I am very lucky with it and I have no room for error. Social phobia prevents me from being self-confident and seeking acquaintances, making me a hostage to my current job.

My parents left me nothing but debts, and my homeland wants me dead for my views, so I live as an immigrant in a foreign country. Therefore, I am in constant stress due to possible threats of dismissal, deportation, murder, and stress puts a lot of pressure on my health. Stress spoils my skin, hair, metabolism, I feel like I’m getting old, and it also negatively affects excess weight.

I weigh 133 kg, this is a lot, I know that I should to do some sports, but I often don’t have the time and energy for this, moreover, due to the same social phobia, I won’t be able to do it in front of anyone, so the gym is on my black list of places .

As a result of all this, every day I do nothing but suffer in a depressive infernal existential hell, with delayed life syndrome, dreaming that someday everything will change and I will be happy. I spend all my strength and all my time to achieve resources on the way to this goal, but everything always turns into tantalum torment.

I never ask for help, because I was raised to be strong, this mental cage in which I live is woven from particles of parental programming. I realize that we live in a cruel and terrible world where every day someone dies and that my life is not more valuable than theirs. Psychologists don’t know how to help me, because the roots of my problems are real and it’s very difficult to get rid of them.

I have many reasons to blame myself, somewhere I made the wrong choice and suffered, somewhere I made the right one and also suffered. Therefore, I always believe that I do not deserve anyone’s help; I take the blame not only for all the decisions I have made, but also for the causes and consequences of these decisions. Although the root causes of these decisions were never up to me. It is very difficult for me to love myself when you hate yourself for the path that led you to hopelessness, even realizing that it was probably the best path available.
Therefore, the practice of adult baby is the only way I can console my pain, the only way I can temporarily feel safe, not think about the bad, not think about what will happen tomorrow. I dream one day that I will have the opportunity to free my mind from all this, I feel cared for, loved and understood. But this sounds just like dreams of a happy life in the future, for which I suffer.

I can't even begin on how I could help with what you have going on. It was a lot to take in and sadly this whole ordeal has put a lot of people in danger.

Still, that does not mean it needs to end here. I can not help with any politics or living related stuff, but I might be able to help with some of the other things you mentioned.

Self love is something that is hard to do. Especially if you only see the darker side of it.

I myself have been the primary target of bullies my entire school life, and it sucked. Because I was mote chubby then others, weird, played with kids a few classes down instead of with my own classmates, ... which was just fuel for them (they even tied me with a jump rope on the last day of elementary school.

It made me an empty shell of who i was. I was EXTREMLY introverted (still a bit as of now), was always alone, never talked to anyone, was always on my phone distarcting me from reality. Untill a fateful day when that shell gained new life. A few of my all girls class (thanks to two guys leaving mid school year...) ripped me open so I would me become more social, and I did (a lot).

I went through a lof of character development. I always hated myself and found myself ugly, fat, nerdy etc. But the older I got, and the more I did not care what others thought of me, that changed my perspective of myself. I grew self love just because ai could care less what others thought of me, how I dressed, how I acted, ... sadly, being abdl is not a part of that acceptance yet, but that will come with time.

Talking about your work for a bit. How are you towards your colleagues? You said you had social phobia, does this affect your way of talking to them? I am an introvert outside of my family and work (I never shut up around them...) which makes me more social in a way since I always talk to my colleagues about a lot of things.

If it is possible, maybe try and gain social confidence by interacting with them. It may be hard a lot of times but it can help a lot. Even little bits of results are still results.

This will also open up other paths that you can take to more social settings, but just keep that in the back of your head for now.

Weighting a lot is nothing to be ashamed of. Some even see beauty in that which I find to be really cute. My stepmother always say that they "enjoyed the good life".

Since you still have to work with your social phobia, is there any place in your neighbourhood that is quite, less crowded perhaps? Then you could go out and get some fresh air. Walk a bit so you can get some exercise in (if that is what you want of course).

I usually put in some earbuds since music is one of my three holy things to never take away from me (that, food and video games...) which blocks all other people around me and makes me focus only on myself, the environment and some videl game music blasting in my ears.

I know this was a long text and I hope things will get better for you. I know it is hard for you right now, I can never come even close to knowing how you feel in this situation, but that does not mean it is the end of things.

You have us to support you and I know some other people in your surroundings do as well. I hope this helps you in some way, even a little bit is fine.

I will tell you one more thing to end of on a funny note. "Self exeptance start with tolerating your own voice recording..."

 

[DavyBoy]

Talking about your work for a bit. How are you towards your colleagues? You said you had social phobia, does this affect your way of talking to them? I am an introvert outside of my family and work (I never shut up around them...) which makes me more social in a way since I always talk to my colleagues about a lot of things.

I work remotely, so we don't even speak directly, we chat and talk only about work so we have no other relationships, some of them are a very conservative skoofs as I found, so I don't even try to open my soul to them.

Since you still have to work with your social phobia, is there any place in your neighbourhood that is quite, less crowded perhaps? Then you could go out and get some fresh air. Walk a bit so you can get some exercise in (if that is what you want of course).

My neighbourhood is looks like a poor third-world-country bazaar, so I can only be alone being inside, or somewhere in forest/mountains, but I can't afford a vacation myself, so I have no day without troubles on my job.

You have us to support you and I know some other people in your surroundings do as well. I hope this helps you in some way, even a little bit is fine.

Unfortunately in my current place I surrounded by people who doesn't have the same feelings as well as the same moral values, we share in here. All the people who is intended to understand me, living faraway from me, in unreachable for me places.

I myself have been the primary target of bullies my entire school life, and it sucked.

I have been too, beucase they found me an LGBT person, one night in winter, when I was a minor, I had escaped from home where I lived in Leningrad Oblast, and I was totally motivated to escape my homeland and reach border of Finland to ask for asylum. Unfortunately I wasn't so strong to reach it, I just had go through the whole path by my foots only, with no assistance. Fortunately I was found and returned home before I was totally frozen, That was the first time and first reason to leave my homeland, not political, but discrimination based on gender and sexual orientation, appearance. So I was lived a delayed life since I was 13 y.o. boy.

Self exeptance start with tolerating your own voice recording...

I had such problems, cuz my voice sounds very femenine and little, it is perfect for a baby identity, but makes no-one take it seriously and my every speech sounds like baby-things, not like I'm serious. I also have some problems speaking non-native languages like english, when I speak in real life I miss a lot of words and grammar countructions so I sounds like a dumbo to me, I need my english to be perfect, but I only use english daily in text, reading and writing documentations, public declarations and statements, but I have no one to practice speaking and hearing. So I can explain how does my company's product works in details using a lot of computer science and mathematics terminus, but I can't even explain my needs and feelings properly =/

It made me an empty shell of who i was. I was EXTREMLY introverted (still a bit as of now), was always alone, never talked to anyone, was always on my phone distarcting me from reality. Untill a fateful day when that shell gained new life. A few of my all girls class (thanks to two guys leaving mid school year...) ripped me open so I would me become more social, and I did (a lot).

I was introvented since I discovered my difference from others and until I left my father's home, then I started a brand new and independent life, fair with myself and everyone, it begins like a dream, but consequences was horrible, I got jailed under politically motivated case. I blame myself for that I stood for liberty and equality in such a dangerous way (public speeches). So I blame in the consequences.

If it is possible, maybe try and gain social confidence by interacting with them.

My parents are dead, my collegues are heartless skoofs.

---

Here I will describe some parental programming I have from my died parents:


1. If you are being a kid and complain to your mother that you have nothing to eat. Then instead of trying to somehow console you, the mom talks about how children are starving in Africa and that you should be grateful for the fact that you are not there.

2. If you get bad grades at school, they don’t help you, they bully you. My parents beat me for my grades; once the juvenile police wanted to take me away from a dysfunctional family. But they didn't it, because our foster houses are like a prison.
3. If you achieve something, your parents are as proud of you as North Korea is with nuclear weapons. But they will never admit that it was your own achievement.
4. If you feel bad, then no one will feel sorry for you, you will still go to school and sit like that until you faint or die, no one believes in your feelings. (I fainted several times from overexertion and hunger and suffered cardiac arrest once in a children's military patriotic concentration camp) This is how my suffering was evaluated until the troubles happen.
5. Constant exploitation of the male gender role as a carrier of heavy objects and a worker of hard work.

6. You cannot be loved just like that, and you must earn this love with something.


These attitudes are the root of my self-depreciation since childhood, which is why I cannot love myself.

These same attitudes create in me the sacred victim syndrome or the Steve Jobs syndrome, i.e. I have to sacrifice my life or do something truly great to be loved, because love can only be earned. This gave me a small boost in my self-development:


1. I got my first employment as a software developer when I was 13 y.o. this makes me one of the youngest seniors this day, but my skills are outdated for now, no one needs PHP developer even a Senior one. And I have no time to learn something new because I can't afford to take a break.

2. I created a lot of thing, digital arts, music, game mods and maps, games itself, a lot of content, products of my creativity and intelligence. I did even wrote a book.

but its all that I can notice here =/


But I also feel myself useless and unnecessary, devalued and lost, and by these objective measures I believe that I am worthless:

1. I have a school grade only, but even no school diploma because I am unable to take it from my homeland. (and I am unable to get a grade in computer science because of the fact I will got jailed if I returns. And I have no homeland and money to try to get a grade in somewhere else)

2. I always feel myself as an idiot in many cases, I don't know some basic things while operating things above. Like I do always forgot formulas and google it, and using these formulas in some complicated things I do calculate things like 23 - 6 in a calculator, because my brain is very tired to calculate it itself.

3. I admire the knowledge of others, exactly until the moment I reach the same level of knowledge, then I consider this knowledge to be the proper level, and I don’t consider myself as cool, I simply devalue my knowledge, and knowledge of the others which from I did receive them.

 

[Chimera]

As he said it cost him everything, I will able to earn 10000 usd after two years only, living without all stuff that I need, eating nothing and live in nowhere.

He probably did the worker visa or digital nomad or investor visa.
It is very hypocritical when some Putin friends are able to obtain such visas being extremely rich, of stolen national goods. While 99% of the nation are unavailable by their poverty line that created by such bastards. I knew that if I somehow earn 450000 usd I could even purchase a citizenship from one of the Caribbean states, like Pavel Durov did. No one need people - everybody needs money.

I think he mentioned in a future video, he got the digital nomad visa for being a YouTuber. My hope is that somebody who is well off will privately contact you and help you get a visa yourself. If I was a bitcoin millionaire myself, I'd help in a heartbeat! Otherwise, I hope there is another way you could live in the EU.

As somebody who is very interested and has deep respect for eastern European culture, the ruski government makes me sick for many reasons. Anybody being persecuted for who they are in their country should get immediate asylum..that is, if we lived in a perfect world.

If you ever want to practice your English with somebody on VC with no judgement, I'm game. For what it's worth, I think you're an adorable little boy...but smile more like an American, maybe? I know in Russia, if you walk around the streets with a smile, people will think there's something wrong with you its not like that here.

 

[DavyBoy]

As somebody who is very interested and has deep respect for eastern European culture, the ruski government makes me sick for many reasons. Anybody being persecuted for who they are in their country should get immediate asylum..that is, if we lived in a perfect world.

I don't share anything with eastern culture except language. I am as many of yours, grown on western culture of mostly american movies and TV-Series, music, books, I dislike our culture for its cruelty and passion for suffer, I love the western values.

If you ever want to practice your English with somebody on VC with no judgement, I'm game. For what it's worth, I think you're an adorable little boy...but smile more like an American, maybe? I know in Russia, if you walk around the streets with a smile, people will think there's something wrong with you its not like that here.

It is some kind like: - "How dare you to smile? We are living in Russia!"

If I was a bitcoin millionaire myself, I'd help in a heartbeat!

Unfortunately for me, my entire life no-one was in need to help me, so I don't believe in such fairytails, my past teaching me that I can only reach anything by suffering and sacrifices.