Results 1 to 7 of 7

Thread: Hello from a confused, excited and scared

  1. #1

    Unhappy Hello from a confused, excited and scared

    Hello!

    I've been a diaper lover for a LONG time but never actually taken the plunge of buying diapers. For so long I've not understood those feelings and I've pushed and tried to squash that side of me. Then recently BAM all those repressed feelings just came flooding back and I knew I HAD to get into a diaper. (it turns out attempting to squash and kill these feelings over a lifetime doesn't work!)

    Ended up buying some to see if trying one would satisfy this life long feeling, my thought process being "yeh, I'll find it a bit weird and that will be that". What I didn't realise was my brain was tricking me, and my god that first diaper was utter heaven, instant de-stress. That first pee (which was much harder than I thought it would be! was incredible).

    Now my situation is a bit more complex because I've been married for 15 years to a quite vanilla wife and I've NEVER mentioned this to her or anybody. I realised I don't want have to suppress this side of me again (I'm not sure I even COULD now) and I need to accept it, but that means really explaining things to my wife.

    I tried last night and I just couldn't get the words out, after 30 years the mental blocks I'd put around this were too strong and it felt like I was at the top of a 100ft tower looking down, shaking with palms sweating. Of course, then my brain starts thinking "so is this actually a real thing, are you REALLY going to try and tell your wife you like to wear diapers? Once this gets out, you can't get back!" and in the end I think she got fed up with me sitting there not quite able to get the words out and walked off saying "well if you're not going to tell me".

    I felt such a let down, I'd worked for days and sleepless nights trying to work out the words, and I just couldn't get them out :-( Plus I hate to think what crazy things she thinks I was trying to say!

    Anyway, I need to do this to accept myself, I don't want to feel like I'm having to live a lie anymore or that this side of me is crazy and that means trying again tonight to get this out and deal with whatever consequences come my way
    Last edited by indigodl; 15-Sep-2017 at 10:13.

  2. #2

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by indigodl View Post
    Hello!

    I've been a diaper lover for a LONG time but never actually taken the plunge of buying diapers. For so long I've not understood those feelings and I've pushed and tried to squash that side of me. Then recently BAM all those repressed feelings just came flooding back and I knew I HAD to get into a diaper. (it turns out attempting to squash and kill these feelings over a lifetime doesn't work!)

    Ended up buying some to see if trying one would satisfy this life long feeling, my thought process being "yeh, I'll find it a bit weird and that will be that". What I didn't realise was my brain was tricking me, and my god that first diaper was utter heaven, instant de-stress. That first pee (which was much harder than I thought it would be! was incredible).

    Now my situation is a bit more complex because I've been married for 15 years to a quite vanilla wife and I've NEVER mentioned this to her or anybody. I realised I don't want have to suppress this side of me again (I'm not sure I even COULD now) and I need to accept it, but that means really explaining things to my wife.

    I tried last night and I just couldn't get the words out, after 30 years the mental blocks I'd put around this were too strong and it felt like I was at the top of a 100ft tower looking down, shaking with palms sweating. Of course, then my brain starts thinking "so is this actually a real thing, are you REALLY going to try and tell your wife you like to wear diapers? Once this gets out, you can't get back!" and in the end I think she got fed up with me sitting there not quite able to get the words out and walked off saying "well if you're not going to tell me".

    I felt such a let down, I'd worked for days and sleepless nights trying to work out the words, and I just couldn't get them out :-( Plus I hate to think what crazy things she thinks I was trying to say!

    Anyway, I need to do this to accept myself, I don't want to feel like I'm having to live a lie anymore or that this side of me is crazy and that means trying again tonight to get this out and deal with whatever consequences come my way
    Welcome Indigodl! We're glad you're here as we are a support site and issues like yours come up often.

    So it sounds like you tried to talk to her but she left the conversation before you could get the words out? You have taken step one in that communication is the key. You don't mention how long you have been married or how open you have been in the past but if she's as vanilla as you say she is, she probably won't take it well. You'll here words like "sick" and maybe even "pedophile". Non ABDLs just don't always understand.

    The advice we give here is to proceed slowly. If you come right out to an unsuspecting spouse "Hey I wear diapers" it will be a shock. Ask test questions. I would ask or say things like "If I had a diaper on, I wouldn't have to go to the bathroom at a movie and miss anything." To which she replied "Gross!" So I used very little and secretly. Even now that I'm ic she still gives me a second look like "Really"? She even said, "I thought you were done with diapers?" (I'm recovering from surgery). What's funny is she is a real open minded person.

    So...You know your wife best. I hope all goes well for you. If she confronts you again about your discussion then you can try and talk it out or say you were going to talk about some other issue in your marriage.

    Good luck and keep us posted.

  3. #3

    Default

    Thanks for your kind words.



    So it sounds like you tried to talk to her but she left the conversation before you could get the words out?
    That's basically it, even though I'd run through this conversation hundreds of times in my head I just couldn't actually force myself to say them when she was in front of me :-( I tried everything but I was so worried about her reaction, I just couldn't.



    You'll here words like "sick" and maybe even "pedophile". Non ABDLs just don't always understand.
    And that's one major thing I'm afraid of, this is going to seem like such a weird thing to her.

    Honestly it would help if I understood what on Earth was going on with all these feelings myself but at least I've had a lifetime to get use to the idea. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy (I mean, it's just diapers!). I attempted to bury this side of me for so long because really I didn't understand it...in hindsight that may have been a mistake.

  4. #4

    Default

    I empathize with your situation: I've been married for about the same length of time to the most vanilla woman imaginable. I told her about my infantilism early in our relationship, well before we were married, and her response was that she couldn't imagine incorporating my infantilism into our married life. I mentioned it again some months later and got the same response delivered in more forceful tones. Having her turn a blind eye to my diaper wearing was simply a non-starter.

    Well, I had to have this woman. I went ahead with the marriage and have indulged my diaper desires behind her back. Fortunately, she's gone for extended periods of time, and I am alone enough that the arrangement works well for me.

    I think the key is to ask yourself what goal you want to achieve by telling your wife. Do you want her to actively participate? Do you want her to tolerate you wearing diapers around her? Or do you just want to ensure that she knows you wear diapers, so there are no secrets between you?

    More importantly, ask yourself - as I did - what would happen if you asked her permission to wear diapers and she refused. How would you cope with that?

    In these situations, it's often easier to take advantage of circumstances than to ask permission and be denied. I often rationalize to myself that I'm not having sex with someone else, and I'm not breaking my marriage vows. Considering all the other things I could be "into," wearing diapers seems fairly harmless in comparison. Again, that's my rationalization ... but I'm sticking to it!

    Best of luck.

  5. #5

    Default

    Welcome. Although I think it's important that we share this with our serious intimates, I'm not sure you're in the right place to do this currently. You appear to be in a highly charged emotional state. For ABDLs who are not in a comfortable state of self-acceptance, there's a condition popularly referred to as binge/purge. It's not a clinical term but in short, it's a feeling of almost manic euphoria regarding diapers and whatever other parts of this may appeal to you. It is often followed by equally strong feelings of self-loathing and denial of those desires that were making you so happy before. We approach the things in our own way but I'm concerned that until you achieve some stability in yourself, you may not be the best representative of healthy ABDLs to your wife, who by your own admission isn't likely to grasp this easily.

    The road of self-acceptance is long and I think it's more journey than destination. Start on that road and have some confidence that this can be a good thing in your life before you try to explain it to someone else. 15 years seems like a very long time to wait to me but even another week of engagement here or in other communities and some serious self reflection may help you put a healthier face on this when you have that very necessary talk with your wife.

  6. #6

    Default



    For ABDLs who are not in a comfortable state of self-acceptance, there's a condition popularly referred to as binge/purge. It's not a clinical term but in short, it's a feeling of almost manic euphoria regarding diapers and whatever other parts of this may appeal to you. It is often followed by equally strong feelings of self-loathing and denial of those desires that were making you so happy before.
    Thanks Trevor, it's almost like you're spying on me! After all these years I've finally stopped fighting this feeling, let it out the cage, fed it's first diapers and it felt GREAT. I work from home alone so I have an advantage where I can wear most of the day and for this week I've been working all day in a T-Shirt and diaper; I was, as you describe, euphoric.

    Riding this wave I wanted to tell my wife, I wanted to completely unleash this side of me, see where it took me, and as I described above, I just couldn't do it. While I was trying to form the words I started thinking "Is it really worth rolling the dice and risk throwing away everything you've built with your family over the last 15 years away for a bit of padding?". My head started spinning and the result was failure.

    At that point I thought this was all crazy, I must have just imagined this feeling, I really didn't want this feeling, and yes I felt ashamed at ever thinking that way. Of course, once I was alone the next day in the house my heart rate spun up, the buzz kicked in and I raced for my diaper stash... damn it felt good.

    And this is where I now find myself, caught between two worlds, hiding, wanting to scream from the rooftops how great this is. But I don't, I greet my wife at the door when she gets home from work, kiss the kids at bed time and pretend that side of me does not exist. Perhaps I'm destined to spend the rest of my time here leading this odd double life :-(

    (Thank goodness there are places like this where I can feel free to explain myself without judgement)

  7. #7

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by indigodl View Post
    Thanks Trevor, it's almost like you're spying on me! After all these years I've finally stopped fighting this feeling, let it out the cage, fed it's first diapers and it felt GREAT. I work from home alone so I have an advantage where I can wear most of the day and for this week I've been working all day in a T-Shirt and diaper; I was, as you describe, euphoric.

    Riding this wave I wanted to tell my wife, I wanted to completely unleash this side of me, see where it took me, and as I described above, I just couldn't do it. While I was trying to form the words I started thinking "Is it really worth rolling the dice and risk throwing away everything you've built with your family over the last 15 years away for a bit of padding?". My head started spinning and the result was failure.

    At that point I thought this was all crazy, I must have just imagined this feeling, I really didn't want this feeling, and yes I felt ashamed at ever thinking that way. Of course, once I was alone the next day in the house my heart rate spun up, the buzz kicked in and I raced for my diaper stash... damn it felt good.

    And this is where I now find myself, caught between two worlds, hiding, wanting to scream from the rooftops how great this is. But I don't, I greet my wife at the door when she gets home from work, kiss the kids at bed time and pretend that side of me does not exist. Perhaps I'm destined to spend the rest of my time here leading this odd double life :-(

    (Thank goodness there are places like this where I can feel free to explain myself without judgement)
    It's tricky business! I won't talk about the range of capabilities of my spy network but I can say that I was speculating based some on my own experience and also reading community forums for a good while. We're all different but some reactions can be pretty similar. I'm glad you were able to take a step back. I'm strongly disposed to believe that telling is the best approach in most cases and sooner rather than later but if you can't soberly positively explain it, you're doing everyone a disservice. I don't think this means you need to be an expert and know where it came from but instead have a sense of what it means to you and how it makes your life (and hopefully the life of someone close to you) better.

    When I signed up here, I was pretty sure I didn't want anyone else involved in this with me. My idea of acceptance in a relationship was for this to be known but tolerated at a distance. Years later, I've had unbelievably (to me, anyway) positive ABDL experiences with people I care about and I can't see myself in a relationship that didn't include that. We all have to work out what we need and it may change over time. Take your best swack at it. This is a weird desire but it can be good and it's nothing to apologize for, although if I were you, I'd probably apologize for taking so long to tell when the time comes.

Similar Threads

  1. So excited!
    By KarmaBaby in forum Adult Babies & Littles
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 29-May-2016, 22:38
  2. Mormon Pony Confused and Scared
    By AstroTwi in forum Greetings / Introductions
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: 21-Jan-2014, 06:25
  3. im so excited!
    By sdogg in forum Off-topic
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 02-Jun-2011, 05:22
  4. this excited me
    By sparkywuff in forum Off-topic
    Replies: 12
    Last Post: 12-Nov-2009, 11:14

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
ADISC.org - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community.
ADISC.org is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.