EVER feel like a PARIAH?

[CptKirk]

I'm experiencing anxiety far worse than I have ever before in my life so I have maybe 5-6 hours of sleep in 20-25 minute increments since Tuesday when I learned my surgery scheduled for late February had to be moved up to the 13th, than the 11th and then, at the end of the day, the 6th!~ .... and I am going absolutely fucking NUTS, crawling out of my skin, BEGGING my Dr's for something to calm me down (*I've become a football and will find out from "mental health" at the VA IF I am going to be given something today, which is absolutely REQUIURED, especially since I ran out of years old Valium I had stashed for years for events like this on Wednesday morning.*) To say I am SICK of being a fucking football is perhaps the greatest understatement of my life!~


I can't think straight unless I am staying busy but right now I am so exhausted even that's not helping much as my mind is BEGGING for some sleep. PRAYING I am prescribed something today (beyond the myriad of pills they already have me on that don't do SHIT!) so MAYBE I CAN get some f****** sleep already as I've wound up incapable of moving after my past 6 invasive surgeries, in pain that defies description and this lasts 3 days at the minimum but the last time was 11 or 12 days with me lying in a hospital bed, incapable of tending to the most basic level of self care while lying in AGONY, unable to move below my waist for a couple days to almost 2 weeks, totally reliant upon others for my every need. When I told this to the Neurosurgeon it seemed to go in one ear and out the other, I've BEGGED (LITERALLY) their office to call my non-VA PCP who has cared for me in the hospital for the past 20 years as this is a surgery happening outside of the VA through their "CARE IN THE COMMUNITY" program because they do not have a Neurosurgeon at the VA I go to. SO far, NO ONE has called his office about this meaning they're going to completely unprepared IF my body goes berserk again and after the last time where I had to lie on a fucking gurney in the same day surgery center for 16 fucking MISERABLE hours with nothing but ice packs (NO PAIN MEDICATION) before they finally admitted me and began treating me properly. This has occurred the past 6 invasive surgeries I have had since 2012. Though I am PRAYING MY ASS OFF, I can only imagine this time will be no different and I literally feel like crawling out of my skin!

My apologies for an answer combined with my state of mind. I haven't slept more than 2 hours but I'm going to work to continue completely stripping a truck down to the frame as staying busy is the ONLY thing that has been keeping me half sane since Tuesday. The VA has just (AS I WAS WRITING THIS) called me and prescribed some kind of anti depressant though again I explained that valium works great and again I became a football and punted down the road until 1PM today when the nurses are going to call to see how I am doing on this "other" medication as I told them I can't handle going through the entire weekend like this. I guess I'll see if this other med works and if it doesn't (supposed to know it is working within 20-30 minutes) THEN, MAYBE, they will prescribe what fucking works! EVER feel like a total pariah before? I know EXACTLY what that feels like all fucking week!

It's a good thing that I like my life, overall. There is certainly a lot about my life to despise though, but thankfully I've never even thought of harming myself as I feel I still have way too much to live for, personally.

Thanks for listening.
CptKirk

 

[chamberpot]

I have never felt the need to reach through this screen and give somebody whatever it is that they require then I have after reading your post. Thank you for your service, perhaps you can reach out to your congressman ..they owe you!!!!

 

[Subtlerustle]

Hang in there Captain. It sucks to hear you’re going through this.

 

[CptKirk]

Total "politically correct" Dr's REFUSING the ONE MEDICATION that has been PROVEN to work for 17 years, is well tolerated and never an issue with it all because of what junkies have done/do! I can't carry the fucking cross anymore! To say I am at the edge of reality is the only way I can explain what I am feeling yet despite BEGGING, NOPE! The fact I was on said med for 17 years (until '19) without issue means NO+THING! Their advice, IF I feel so overwhelmed I "lose it", to GO TO THE ER that already treats me worse than dog shit that someone steps in while wearing brand new shoes!

Am I the only one who can see the conflict and contradiction here? They want me, exhausted, WIRED and wound so fucking tight it's a miracle I'm standing and IN THAT CONDITION to go to the ER that already treated me like shit the 4 times I have gone there. Maybe they want me to wipe out everyone in the ER with my fists? NO, that can't be it...maybe they want me in jail and out of their hair so they don't have to do their fucking jobs? I don't believe that as outside of the ER everyone at the VA seemingly goes out of their way to ensure you're satisfied.

Painted into another corner, and fucked, paying for the sins of others, STILL/AGAIN!` I wish I could close my eyes and never be able to open them again right now. I really do!

Valium would solve this issue within 20-30 minutes of taking it, and I'd likely get by on 3/day./...Fri/sat/sun/mon and tues AM would be just over 30 fucking pills though half would likely suit me well but NO! I wish to GOD one of my friends was on Valium and could spare a few!~

Ready to snap as the rubber band seeming can't possibly be pulled any further without snapping!~

 

[BigAl2]

I wish i could help. It's the same for pain meds. I only get 30 percocets a month. The druggies ruined it too. I make them last and use a lot of pain relief gels. The pain clinic suggested medical weed. I tried weed when i was younger. I don't like it. And im not giving up my 2nd amendment rights.

 

[Bearcatz]

Man, I'm really not intending to sound like a dick here at all, but you gotta find a way to calm down or you're probably gonna make the situation worse for yourself somehow.

Don't get me wrong, doctor's being too cowardly to prescribe stuff because of addicts is super fucked up and wrong. But, there's a few forms of weed that're federally legal, so chances are it's not hard to find in your state. "Indica" always helps calms me down mentally and physically, and sounds like it might help you too.

 

[dogboy]

My dentist prescribed me several valium before I had two molars extracted. I had told him I was very nervous over getting my teeth pulled with just Novacaine. I took one pill 45 minutes before my son drove me to the dentist. It sounds like something like valium could calm your nerves. Sometimes we just need something to get us through something we feel is going to be very unpleasant and down right scary.

 

[Anemone]

It is not really a matter of doctors being politically correct. They prescribe based on their clinical judgment, a long history of use and apparent desperation for the medication may very well read as an addicted person's behaviour.

You are in a mental health crisis, have you spoken with a psychiatrist? Neurosurgeons often hold psychiatry in contempt so it's likely that they would not be the best person to appeal to.

What is the rationale for the prescriptions you have and have not been provided? You are entitled to this information - though not your choice of controlled substances - and should be a part of the decision making process.

 

[CptKirk]

Man, I'm really not intending to sound like a dick here at all, but you gotta find a way to calm down or you're probably gonna make the situation worse for yourself somehow.

Don't get me wrong, doctor's being too cowardly to prescribe stuff because of addicts is super fucked up and wrong. But, there's a few forms of weed that're federally legal, so chances are it's not hard to find in your state. "Indica" always helps calms me down mentally and physically, and sounds like it might help you too.

As a disabled vet on opiates I can NOT have ANY weed, period. Federal law.

 

[CptKirk]

It is not really a matter of doctors being politically correct. They prescribe based on their clinical judgment, a long history of use and apparent desperation for the medication may very well read as an addicted person's behaviour.

You are in a mental health crisis, have you spoken with a psychiatrist? Neurosurgeons often hold psychiatry in contempt so it's likely that they would not be the best person to appeal to.

What is the rationale for the prescriptions you have and have not been provided? You are entitled to this information - though not your choice of controlled substances - and should be a part of the decision making process.

I've been on multiple opiates for 20 years and I'll be on them for life. I was also on Valium (as needed) for 17 years...until the gov't got involved and created this fucking "opiate crusade". Some pencil pusher somewhere decided that people on opiates can no longer have Valium! Hell, I had over a hundred of pills left over from old scripts but I ran out last month. When pain wakes me up and my headache is literally making me wish Dr. Kevorkian was still around taking a Valium was the ONLY medication that allowed me to get back to sleep, providing my headache wasn't worse than a 7-7.5/10. At an 8 or worse there is no sleep.

I am TIRED of paying for the sins of other people. I won't go to an ER anymore as I am truly afraid I am going to SNAP as the instant you provide your prescription list and they see opiates on there, you ARE a drug seeker in their eyes! The last time the head of the Pain Management team at the VA MADE me go to the ER (last April) when he saw my eyes as I described...when my headache hits an 8/9 + I look like a Heavyweight boxer who got pounded on BADLY, for DAYS. The area around my eyes swells up horribly, my eyes go out of alignment (Diplopia) and it literally feels as if there are jackscrews inside of my skull trying to push my eyeballs out of my skull....press in on your eyes as hard as you can tolerate it and that's what I experience 24/7/365 (it's not always intolerable but it does get old) and when it exceeds the ability of the pill form of Dilaudid to control it, the only meds that will touch it are HIGH bursts of IV steroids (I have Osteoporosis) so they're no longer a viable option or IV Dilaudid. The ER head told me to my face that he didn't car WHO the hell advocates on my behalf, they don't treat headaches in the ER anymore! I almost killed him and I don't remember leaving as I was A) in fucking agonizing pain B) every ounce of me wanted to beat the fucking shit out of that guy!

I was put in touch with the Veteran's White House hotline and after 45 minutes was PROMISED this would never happen again and they did indeed call as everyone who had seen me in the ER 3x in the prior 8 days called me with only ONE apologizing. The rest, especially the bastard I almost wrecked was incensed that I called, wanted to know who gave me that number etc. and what I expected him to do. I replied "Do your fucking job" and slammed my phone off of the table, cracking the screen.

I have spent over 40 days hospitalized @ Jefferson headache Ctr and even THEY have no solution. Gave me a diagnosis of New Daily Persistent Headache. I've had ER fuckers accuse me of making that up more than once! I've seen 3 ULTRA RARE "Nero-Ophthalmologists" only to be told that the issue is not my eyes.

To be treated like this and FORCED to endure unendurable pain all because of what other idiots did is WAY TOO HIGH A PRICE to be FORCED to pay!

One Er Dr came right out and told me I was a drug seeker. I reached into my jacket pocket and started throwing bottles of pain meds at him.

You can only be PUSHED so far. My reason for not going back to the ER despite being promised they'd take PROPER CARE of me and NEVER fuck with me again is because IF they do fuck with me, I am sincerely afraid I am going to start hammering whoever is pissing me off the most! Thank god I wrestled forever and coached even longer because odds are I won't be able to stand without my cane very long LOL.

I don't know what else to say. Just thinking about not sleeping for the past week and writing about this is setting me off. Only reason I am awake right now is my headache and I had to get meds.

 

[Anemone]

You have my greatest sympathies.

All I can advise is to pursue a second opinion, or at least alternate narcotics.

Do try not to be ashamed of drug seeking behaviour, it is entirely legitimate regardless of stigma.

 

[Bearcatz]

As a disabled vet on opiates I can NOT have ANY weed, period. Federal law.

Mmm, I'm not lawyer, but federally legal is federally legal. I suppose it depends on if they drug test you though, since even federally legal forms ("delta 8", "delta 10", "THC-A", etc) break down into the same chemicals they'd test for.

https://my.vanderbilt.edu/marijuanalaw/2018/12/new-congressional-farm-bill-legalizes-some-marijuana/

 

[dogboy]

I so wish there was an effective painkiller that wasn't addictive, didn't need to be constantly increased and didn't kill your kidneys or liver.

 

[CptKirk]

Mmm, I'm not lawyer, but federally legal is federally legal. I suppose it depends on if they drug test you though, since even federally legal forms ("delta 8", "delta 10", "THC-A", etc) break down into the same chemicals they'd test for.

https://my.vanderbilt.edu/marijuanalaw/2018/12/new-congressional-farm-bill-legalizes-some-marijuana/

It's right on the opiate contract I had to sign in order to have the VA provide me with the opiates I've been on since 2006 or so. I was on opiates sporadically and of course the lower tier ones at first as early as 2004 but by 2006 I was being supplied with medications that stand a chance at working at the least. They must be doing something right as my days spent in the hospital are down by over 90% compared to the first number of years I was dealing with the nightmare my life turned into.

Besides, I tried medicinal MJ and I had a day I have ZERO memory of! On top of that, it did nothing insofar as helping my headache and the minimal amount of relief I got for my lower back just wasn't worth the amount of money wasted at a time when I couldn't spare $10! I see the medical MJ as a scam, personally. I know some people who get a tremendous amount of relief from it, but it's far less expensive to buy illegally.

By the way, I was never into pot when younger either. I tried it once and I didn't really like the feeling. I also HATE the feeling of being drunk, which is why I've only been truly shitfaced a very few times in my life. I LOVE beer, but if I start feeling a buzz, I stop drinking. I'm not happy unless I am in complete control of my faculties.

 

[mistykitty]

I know they have some discretion but isn't it illegal of a doctor not to respect a patient's request for a certain type of treatment if it doesn't carry serious risk. Am I right about this or do I have it wrong?

 

[Bearcatz]

For context and to stay on the right side of the rules of the forum, I'm not referring to medical marijuana or any form of "delta 9", only "delta 8", "delta 10", "THC-A" or any other federally legal form. That might sound confusing, but the effects are similar enough between the federally legal and non-federally legal forms.

For me personally, it was kind of similar to your first experiences. Not great... However, now that I've got the hang of what to use and about how much, it's been a game changer. I can't really use advil anymore unless I want my stomach to bleed, and tylenol is just completely useless. There was one instance I had a splitting headache from being in the sun too long. I had 3 hits of a delta 8 joint, put it out and walked from my detached garage to the house (maybe all of a minute) and the headache was completely gone. Other times, I've worked in some cramped spaces and my upper back felt like someone drilled screws into my spine, but some hits of a delta 10 vape and that also completely vanishes. Because my stomach is crap, sometimes I just don't get hungry at all, and this obviously fixes that problem too.

Contrary to what some stupid people say, of course you can overdo it, which sounds like you did, and end up mentally in another dimension. However, enough to just treat pain (like 1 or 2 puffs of a vape or hits of a joint) will sharpen your senses if anything, not dull them. I guess some people get a little distressed over that because you'll notice things like your heart beating, but I find that I notice the things I'd otherwise ignore like all the sounds of nature we kind of learn to filter out. At the same time, it kind of takes mental craziness down from 11 to more like a 6.

Anyway, it's not the miracle drug a lot of people claim, but in an era of doctors punishing the innocent that actually need opiates because of a few bad addicts, it's the best thing there is without the risks of disintegrating your insides or becoming physically addicted.

 

[Anemone]

I know they have some discretion but isn't it illegal of a doctor not to respect a patient's request for a certain type of treatment if it doesn't carry serious risk. Am I right about this or do I have it wrong?

It is good practice to consider a patient's preferences but by no means mandated that a request be respected. At least under any legal framework I have come across. Consent, on the other hand, is sacrosanct and legally enforceable.

Benzodiazapines of course are highly addictive, are agonist to opiates/opioids, liable to abuse, and have potentially fatal withdrawal symptoms - so they certainly carry serious risk.

 

[CptKirk]

For context and to stay on the right side of the rules of the forum, I'm not referring to medical marijuana or any form of "delta 9", only "delta 8", "delta 10", "THC-A" or any other federally legal form. That might sound confusing, but the effects are similar enough between the federally legal and non-federally legal forms.

For me personally, it was kind of similar to your first experiences. Not great... However, now that I've got the hang of what to use and about how much, it's been a game changer. I can't really use advil anymore unless I want my stomach to bleed, and tylenol is just completely useless. There was one instance I had a splitting headache from being in the sun too long. I had 3 hits of a delta 8 joint, put it out and walked from my detached garage to the house (maybe all of a minute) and the headache was completely gone. Other times, I've worked in some cramped spaces and my upper back felt like someone drilled screws into my spine, but some hits of a delta 10 vape and that also completely vanishes. Because my stomach is crap, sometimes I just don't get hungry at all, and this obviously fixes that problem too.

Contrary to what some stupid people say, of course you can overdo it, which sounds like you did, and end up mentally in another dimension. However, enough to just treat pain (like 1 or 2 puffs of a vape or hits of a joint) will sharpen your senses if anything, not dull them. I guess some people get a little distressed over that because you'll notice things like your heart beating, but I find that I notice the things I'd otherwise ignore like all the sounds of nature we kind of learn to filter out. At the same time, it kind of takes mental craziness down from 11 to more like a 6.

Anyway, it's not the miracle drug a lot of people claim, but in an era of doctors punishing the innocent that actually need opiates because of a few bad addicts, it's the best thing there is without the risks of disintegrating your insides or becoming physically addicted.

I don't believe I overdid anything but then again, I can't recall a damn thing from that day. Don't recall the wife finding me moaning on the floor, don't recall my Dad or my PCP's office or being admitted to the hospital and I had to be told what happened as I had no clue. I doubt I could had done that much as it was in the morning when my wife heard me moaning, and she says she was up for at least an hour before I was, not leaving that much time in between. Then again, I don't know.

As far as @Anemone , I'm well aware of what they say about benzodiazepines, but I had zero issues using them as needed for years and years. A prescription of 20 pills would last as long as 3 months though I would always use more in the winter as that's when my pain is at the worst. I never had any withdrawal symptoms and like the Oxycontin & Dilaudid I've been on forever and a day, when I am not in tremendous pain, I don't miss them. I can again use the summer as an example as What lasts me a month in the winter lasts me more than 2x as long in the summer. From my point of view there's a medication that has proven very effective for me, it's cheap and readily available, and because of what others have done, I'm fucked. I've been on every high dollar new prescription sleep medication there is. Some worked great the first time I ever took them but none ever got me back to sleep a second time. I have little trouble falling asleep at night but when pain wakes me up, that's when I can't get back to sleep more times than not and I'm sick of seeing sunrises. Then you're asleep until early or mid afternoon and that day is wasted.

I can go into more detail but my head is pounding bad and I'm only putting out the minimal amount of info right now as the pain is is brutal.

 

[Anemone]

Just to be clear I have no objection to your having access to medication which works for you.

I can't speak for your prescriber, but have done my best to offer what may be some of their concerns.

I truly hope that, whatever it may be, they find a regimen which is safe and efficacious for your needs and soon.

 

[KBoy]

@CptKirk I am sorry for your troubles and you are not wrong or alone, dealing with doctors, RXs, and, of course the VA can be a trial by fire.
Believe me when I tell you, my wife has been in a battle with breast cancer that has changed the very way I look at life.
I, in no way, want to offer you advice, only support. I have read your posts here and many of your complaints are over situations that I have experienced first hand. Going through multiple surgeries is a huge burden and to compound it with lack of medication and to then have to navigate the medical and insurance nightmare can become almost completely entirely intolerant.
I said I wasn't going to give advice but "Please don't hurt anyone" I say this because they have really tried my patience, they also saved my wife's life.
Hang in there Captain, I know you are a strong person. Good will prevail, and things will get better.