A PhD study on nonsexual/regressive adult babies

[BBBen]

And it continues with this quote from a study participant:

I wouldn't. At times in the past I thought I might, but I realize now no, I wouldn't get rid of it. I think that speaks to how ingrained the adult baby is in me. I try to imagine myself without the baby, without the diapers, and I just can't. Or if I do I don't recognize that person as me. I don't know who I would be without my little side, but I wouldn't be myself.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to wake up one day and get rid of all my baby stuff, not another purge, but because I just don't have a desire to use any of it anymore, and that scares me. The only thing that scares me more than the thought of people finding out I'm an adult baby is the thought of not being one anymore.

You speak out of my heart. The little side is me, aswell as my adult being and all challenges and responsibilities of my life.
And if it is some dissoziative in it, its more thqn common if you look at the life of others. And sometimes you have to juggle. But if you accept, you will find another source of being who you are.
And yeah in my life sometimes Ben is a big challenge not only while working and having stress - because you have to manage your time and didnt have two days in one for being adult me and baby me at once. But i never could imagine, what it would be like without this beautiful and wonderful side of me.
Yeah i have to hide and yeah much often and yeah sometimes i would indulge more and it feels like a curse - but mire than that it feels like a wonder when i get in balance being me with being Ben.

Sorry - sometimes i am in writing mood

 

[DiaperedTeddyBear]

Yes, pinned disposables! Unnecessary, of course, but I wear diapers for the feeling I get, which pinning makes even more sensational. I will often add plastic pants, too, because they feel very babyish to me.

My first thought was that's kind of weird (as if wearing diapers wasn't weird enough to begin with ), but I get it.

I prefer disposables myself, even though I mostly wore cloth diapers as a baby, but my younger siblings were in disposables, so I think that's where the attraction came from.

But even though I prefer the feel of disposables, I love the look of cloth diapers. Disposables, especially after being first put on, fit very tightly and even when you're wearing just a diaper, the profile almost resembles underwear. But cloth diapers look like diapers and when you're wearing one without pants overtop, there's no mistaking that you're wearing a diaper because of the bulkiness of them and how the diaper pins stick out a little on the sides. And then some plastic pants on top and it's enough to make a baby waddle around when he walks.

Pins on disposables are unnecessary, but they do enhance the babyish look. I'm not sure that's something I'd ever do, but I like it and I understand why you do it.

Now imagine the bond between my wife and me for that. The whole reason I’m attracted to diapers and playing baby is because I misunderstood toilet training as distancing and abandonment. And what woman would tolerate her man playing baby, even without her present, and even for therapeutic reasons? Not many.

You've got a good wife there. I hope you treat her well because she's a keeper.

 

[DiaperedTeddyBear]

Reading more of the paper, the author draws the some of the same conclusions that I've come to over the years.

However, throughout all interviews there were oblique references to a lack of loving care – love being evidenced by its very absence. It is a factor that children under the auspices of caregivers unable or unwilling to provide adequate care, protection or resources do not experience healthy relational connections. However, such omissions of care do not negate the yearning for connection (Bowlby, 1969). Nevertheless, if care-givers do not soothe the infant, the child is placed in the position of being forced to soothe themselves. Additionally, such children are, by necessity, obliged to self-sooth before they have been taught the skills of how to do so (Pyszczynski, 2019). This recognises the impact of formative experience and how it translates into impaired internal processes and behaviours, in this instance how AB practice was devised and employed as a self-soothing mechanism.

My parents weren't bad parents, but I don't remember our home being full of displays of love and affection, at least not towards me. With 5 children, my parents couldn't give me their undivided attention and my younger siblings are very close in age to me, so I know I didn't get a lot of attention from my parents after they were born. I remember being by myself a lot, being scared or lonely, having to manage my own feelings when I didn't know how. I saw my younger siblings being looked after by my parents and having their diapers changed, and my mom used to babysit some of the neighbor kids too and change the younger one's diapers. I felt neglected and rejected and I soothed myself the only way I knew how, which was through wearing diapers, a desperate attempt to recreate the loving care I saw other children receiving.

There were other contributing factors of course, but I think that was the major one.

This invites a consideration of whether there is a connection between the somatic soothing which diapers provide, and a lack of physical nurturing in childhood. This is pertinent, considering how close physical contact in infancy correlates with a secure attachment style (Uvnäs-Moberg et al., 2015) and therefore, survivors of ACEs are less likely to experience nurturing physical contact. The soothing nature of diaper-use is evidenced in the quote below:
… when you put one on [diaper] and it just encloses you. It does feel like a hug, in a way [laugh] which is a very safe feeling and, you just feel safe and secure and you just breathe a sigh of relief really. Just relax and go ‘right, yeah. That’s it… (P2, p.16).

I've described it the same way. I love a nice thick diaper wrapped tightly around my bum, it feels like a big hug, and it makes me feel safe and secure. It's so soothing and satisfying, and any time I'm feeling sad or lonely, putting on a diaper always makes me feel better.

I think there is a connection. Even young children who are severely neglected still get touched and given attention during diaper changes. So why wouldn't diapers come to represent the love and affection we were lacking as children?

I remember as a kid I used to engage in baby play when I was alone. My parents would go off to the store, leaving me home alone, or I'd be sent to my grandma's, playing alone by myself in her basement. I'd often make use of the private time to swipe diapers and wear them or improvise diapers out of towels.

As an adult, I remember it as waiting until I was alone and was presented the opportunity to wear diapers, but what if that's backwards? What if I was wearing them because I was alone, and that was the only way I knew how to feel less lonely? That thought just occurred to me, and it makes me sad.

 

[BBBen]

Thank you @blissfullyquirky for doing excerpts of the study with commrnting. I didnt had the time yet to read it fully. But while reading your shortage (is this the correct english word?) I get a feeling of the new perspective it gives. And it not only helps for understanding, but finding ways to balance.

 

[babyamelia]

My parents weren't bad parents, but I don't remember our home being full of displays of love and affection, at least not towards me. With 5 children, my parents couldn't give me their undivided attention and my younger siblings are very close in age to me, so I know I didn't get a lot of attention from my parents after they were born. I remember being by myself a lot, being scared or lonely, having to manage my own feelings when I didn't know how. I saw my younger siblings being looked after by my parents and having their diapers changed, and my mom used to babysit some of the neighbor kids too and change the younger one's diapers. I felt neglected and rejected and I soothed myself the only way I knew how, which was through wearing diapers, a desperate attempt to recreate the loving care I saw other children receiving.

There were other contributing factors of course, but I think that was the major one.

This is very similar to my experience. I was the first born of three, and because my parents were tight on money probably a little rushed through potty training. My mom also went back to working quickly and I started very early in daycare. Then my first sibling was not born until I was 5. My mother used to joke that I needed to forgive her for having other children. I also felt neglected and rejected. Those feelings stuck with me throughout my life. Similar to what you mentioned, I do remember seeing both of my siblings get much more care and nurturing and I was jealous of this inside. Why could they get this from the same people but not me? Why am I not good enough to receive that same level of love?

I too have other contributing factors as I imagine most of us do. But I feel like seeing that love go to other people and my young brain not being able to understand life at the time, this really hurt me. So I used diapers as my own security blanket.

 

[DiaperedTeddyBear]

Thank you @blissfullyquirky for doing excerpts of the study with commrnting. I didnt had the time yet to read it fully. But while reading your shortage (is this the correct english word?) I get a feeling of the new perspective it gives. And it not only helps for understanding, but finding ways to balance.

I'm glad you find it helpful. I was afraid maybe I was posting too much, but I keep reading things and feeling so validated and understood that I can't help posting about it and how my own experiences are similar. At times I've gotten so emotional I started to cry. I've never seen anyone go to so much effort to understand us, and reading this study gives me more insights into my own lived experience.

 

[DiaperedTeddyBear]

Similar to what you mentioned, I do remember seeing both of my siblings get much more care and nurturing and I was jealous of this inside. Why could they get this from the same people but not me? Why am I not good enough to receive that same level of love?

It's heartbreaking to read those words because I understand that and I felt the same way. You were just a child, and you were good enough.

I almost wrote that I was jealous of my younger siblings too, but I stopped myself because I don't think that's quite the right word. The word jealous seems inadequate to express what was going on in our young minds. "Jealous" has such negative connotations and seems to imply that someone wants something they didn't earn or weren't deserving of. Every child deserves love, and no child should ever feel like they have to earn their parent's love.

So to phrase it in a way that is kind to our little selves, we craved the love and attention that we saw our younger siblings receive, and we had a deep yearning to feel that same love from our parents. We were too young to understand why we didn't get more attention, and we assumed there was something wrong with us.

 

[babyamelia]

It's heartbreaking to read those words because I understand that and I felt the same way. You were just a child, and you were good enough.

I almost wrote that I was jealous of my younger siblings too, but I stopped myself because I don't think that's quite the right word. The word jealous seems inadequate to express what was going on in our young minds. "Jealous" has such negative connotations and seems to imply that someone wants something they didn't earn or weren't deserving of. Every child deserves love, and no child should ever feel like they have to earn their parent's love.

So to phrase it in a way that is kind to our little selves, we craved the love and attention that we saw our younger siblings receive, and we had a deep yearning to feel that same love from our parents. We were too young to understand why we didn't get more attention, and we assumed there was something wrong with us.

I love you way you put this into words. You are correct, jealousy is not the right word for what we felt. I did make that assumption mentally that something was wrong with me and I held that as a limiting belief for many years. I am still working on removing that limiting belief that I am worthy of love from others. I think for me at least this has also had an influence on how I form and maintain relationships. I have this subconscious feeling like my partner will one day abandon me. So i try to do as much as possible to make those around me happy and know that I care, sometimes to the detriment of myself.

I think the mental struggle now is different than it was when I was a child. But as I reflect, and journal, and continue to work on self-acceptance, I am seeing more clearly how these elements played out throughout my life. I struggled loving myself for a very long time. I'm no longer in a place where I want my littles to "go away", and from all the research I have read, it's unlikely they will for any of us.

Elsewhere in this thread, someone quoted the portion of the essay relating to the concept of a "magic pill" to cure us all. I found this really fascinating because I have struggled with addiction and this exact same question is asked in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. "Even if that pill existed and could magically "fix you", would you really want it?" I know everyone is at different stages in life but I can say for myself that no, I wouldn't want it. Being an addict makes me unique. Being an AB makes me unique. I was able to overcome my addictions and now I do have positive character traits leftover from my addiction. My goal now is to do the same with my AB side.

"How can I incorporate this unique element of my identity in a positive way?"

 

[DiaperedTeddyBear]

Now, let's work on "Autism & AB/DL: Causal or Acausal?"

I would love to see some research on that. My suspicion is that autism makes it more likely that adverse childhood experiences will cause children to become ABDL. Autism causes deficits in communication, which means a child is less likely to seek comfort from caregivers and instead will seek ways to comfort himself. Autism also causes repetitive behavior, so once the child finds diapers to be a way to self-soothe, autism will help reinforce this behavior.

I'll bet many ABDLs have autistic characteristics, even though they don't meet all the symptoms for diagnosis. I would guess ABDLs display autistic traits at a much higher rate than the rest of the population.

 

[BobbiSueEllen]

I would love to see some research on that.

One way would be to numerically identify the AB/DL community's autism population, by voluntary response, versus the AB/DL population of the whole; from there, we back-engineer to identify various factors such as AB-to-DL ratio; gender or the lack thereof; then basic autism categories, all for academic study by clinicians genuinely, observantly interested in the AB/DL community. It's a daunting task but it has to start somewhere.

Although AB/DL is not an organic condition, autism is; also of note is that AB/DL does not follow autism and autism does not define AB/DL. I think with the right, active interest instead of guinea-pig-esque, single-blind, passive observation (and, resultantly, a great deal of poor assumption) by willing clinicians, we can start on a good road toward eventual acceptance by the psychiatric 'community' as a whole and not spottily piecemeal as is today...as well as even greater self-acceptance.

As much as I've seen this community emerge and grow in my lifetime, especially after many years of isolation from it preceded by years of isolation with no community at all, I'd be interested in seeing how much more growth we can experience & celebrate before I'm losing my abilities to talk & reason, drooling uncontrollably and back in diapers for actual need...and then my mortal coil shuffled off. It'd be a good thing to see.

 

[DiaperedTeddyBear]

5.18 The Non-Sexual Adult Baby and the Drive for a Care-Giver
This theme is subordinate to superordinate theme two, that non-sexual ABs may be ACEs survivors. This theme emerged during the interview and analysis phase of the research and was pursuant from the original question regarding ACEs, recognising the intimate connection between care-givers and developmental trauma. Nine participants identified a need for their AB configuration to be nurtured by a care-giver.

This is an important section and one that I think we're all too familiar with. It's not just a need, it's a deeply intense longing, so intense that we feel like a part of us is missing when we don't have a caregiver. It was such a strong, unmet need as children that it drove us all back into diapers to try and get that need met.

In the quote below we see how regressive AB practice directly correlates with the affective state, and how this is closely affiliated to the need for a care-giver:

[when asked about the feelings of being Little]; Warm, cosy. Kinda loved in a way, but that’s difficult when you’re on your own (P9, p.7).

Being little makes me feel warm and loved. But when I'm doing it by myself there's some sadness there too.

The above quote shines a light on a central aspect of human experience; we need people to help us feel better, a life-long process developed in infancy, and is exemplified in the following quote:

… the main thing is, maybe when I’m in that just kind of being held, and kind of close and tight against someone or something, and that’s kind of it. That’s kind of the whole thing which, I feel makes sense because I didn’t get that as a kid, essentially didn’t have that at any point, in those early years where I imagine it’s important, or, so yeah (P3, p.8).

This fits with the other section that talked about how we became ABDL because we didn't get enough loving care as a child.

Participants described highly evolved self-care processes and behaviours, the object of which was to, in some way, simulate a care-giver. The quote below highlights the difficulty in this process, in that the adult self is the carer for the AB configuration and therefore reality may interrupt the transition process:

When I’m on my own, then I almost have to be my own kind of care-giver. It doesn’t quite work because there are the practicalities of actually having to physically do something, so it’s hard to be in that space, while doing stuff, where if you really were that little you wouldn’t do yourself, so that it almost takes you out of the moment, and you just have to practically do it

It can be hard to get into little space when you're caring for yourself. You can't fully be in that moment when the adult you still has to be there to care for the little you. Diaper changes can be difficult, and my mind almost has to split so that the baby me isn't aware of the adult me. If I get too into one side or the other it ruins it. If I'm just little then it feels cold and mechanical like a robot is changing my diaper. If I concentrate too much on the adult I forget who I'm changing the diaper for.

I wish every adult baby had a caregiver. It's very sad to think about babies changing their own diapers because they don't have anyone to care for them.

This topic is very emotional for me. I tried to write more about it, but I just kept getting stuck in waves of sadness, and I can't think about it any more tonight. I need my teddy bear now.

 

[Diaperboy27]

I like spaghetti, too, but I'm not "A spaghettian".

I herd there’s a religion for that

spaghetti monster religion - Google Search

 

[BBBen]

Good morning,
My first impuls was, to reply to your last reply @blissfullyquirky - although the aspect of autism spectrum is a realy important research area, aswell. And it wouldnt wonder me, that evryone of us littles is on that spectrum morebor less.
But yeah the caregiver aspect is something, thst is a real challenge in being adult baby. You can do alot, to prepare littletime and make it special, before falling deep in it. You can prepare some warm drink in baby bottle, stuffies around a soft blanket, music on your mp3 player, toys around the blanket like wooden train..., you can warm up your home and perhaps do some sents with candles... you can buy clothes for your littleside and a collection of diapers, aswell. And there are so many things you could prepare alone before dip deep in littlespace.

But the aspect to feel being fully cared as a baby or little is something you cant never fully do by yourself. And this missing gap is something that hurts from time to time. I feel it most, than my wife indulge a little bit and triggers my little me. Although it isnt a situation then, that she fully would be a caregiver. But at the moment she speaks to my little me, she does something i could never give me for myself. Then this happens, i hear a very deep giggeling in my heart. It feels like a deep longing is cared for.
But also i asked myself, would i be realy have the condition to feel in deep littlespace, if there would be a caregiver that gully will care of me. Sometimes i think i couldnt never fully knock out my adult side for a little time. And i didnt know, if it would be realy healthy and helpfull. Thats a realy big dilemma. There is fear to be eaten up by the rabbit hole as a whole person. Its some times like an inner disunity that i also get to know, if iam caring for my little needs too much snd didnt care about the adult in me.
And yeah i can feel with you, that there is a deep sadness about that. Its like to realise, that we never ever could go back fully to the state of being cared as babies, although you have the inner need and longings for that state. Its a feeling to have lost something on your lifechances, whst you could be on the rest of your life.

at some point little me always has to accept, that i have a adult me. And allthough little me cries of more and more, this need will never be meet fully. Thats something i have to encounter as ab. Its like encounter my own humaan finiteness.

Sometimes we could manage it and yeah sometimes the deep cry is too much.

But what we could realise on places like here, and what helps is - we are not alone and we are people which could give us (here on forum) the mental care we need. Its something you couldnt give yourself. And then you realise it here, you will recognice your place also in the non internet world. You are a important person for others, cause you can give others care and love, they couldnt give themself. And if you interact with others, there will be at somepoint a give back to you.

Not always - cause world is world and there are much places for disappointment. But yeah i believe that this isnt the only thing we would experience. But love, care and trust.

As all time - i couldnt do it short and there are much more thoughts in me, while i thinking about the caregiver aspect. But for now iam thankfull, that you are reading with us the study.

 

[Prillprillprill]

I wonder if the author is a little themselves?

I think this is Mummy Grace's PhD thesis (runs a AB nursery in the UK). Amazing piece of research!

It was dated 2022 so I don't think so.

I will definitely read this in full later when I get chance. I'm currently writing my own thesis (not on abdl) so can get tips for layout

Edit/ addition thought: I think a really good angle I'd like to see is looking at dissociative experiences in non-sexual littles. I'd be so interested to see DES (dissociative experiences scale) questionnaire scores from a sample of non-sexual littles.

 

[Woncrinklz]

I herd there’s a religion for that

spaghetti monster religion - Google Search

View attachment 128224

Good one! I'm now triggered to making pasta today!

 

[Kayleigh]

I wonder, how would those same people treat the little 5 year old boy who felt emotionally neglected by his parents, who saw his younger siblings have diaper changes and wish he was back in diapers so he could feel loved again?

Thank you for writing the above. I have never seen that in writing anywhere else. I have always tried to understand where my diaper and little girl dressing interest came from and I think you captured it. I’m not sure if this describes the origins of your interests but if it does, then we have something in common. I don’t view my childhood as being at all traumatic but certain more subtle, seemingly innocent behaviors of our parents do have long term affects.

 

[Palle]

I came across this PhD thesis about nonsexual regressive adult babies by a British Psychotherapist who works specifically with littles to help them accept themselves and thought you all might want to have a read! She also wrote this article. - https://www.the-pca.org.uk/blog/adultbaby.html

https://chesterrep.openrepository.com/bitstream/handle/10034/627663/Fifth Draft Complete Thesis.pdf?

Disclaimer: I have only had a flick through and not had time to read yet, and probably won't for a while, but I know the author is an ally!

Here is a quote from her short article I linked:

"Unless one is immersed in the ABDL community, information about this group comes from two main sources; academic journals and from Main Stream Media (MSM). What appears to be common for both sources are a lack of consistency, general misinformation and misrepresentation. TV and MSM proffer salacious views of adult babies (Attack of the Adult Babies (2017) - IMDb, n.d). Representations of adult babies which focus on sexual practice are confirmed in academia, perpetuating a view of non-sexual adult baby practice as a paraphilia (Banbury et al., 2017). Clearly, this is inaccurate, non-sexual behaviour being impossible to be categorised as a paraphilia. However, when society looks to academia on how to regard adult babies and finds such literature, it reinforces a view that all adult babies engage in sexual practice. This has profound implications for the lived experience of adult babies. It was for this reason that I undertook a part-time PhD researching adult babies, of which I am now, if all goes well, in my fourth and final year."

You didn't read all 376 pages before posting a summary in this thread,
That's understandable.
Thanks for those links btw. the reading is actually interesting!

 

[DiaperedTeddyBear]

I think this is Mummy Grace's PhD thesis (runs a AB nursery in the UK). Amazing piece of research!

It was dated 2022 so I don't think so.

Assuming there isn't another Mummy Grace, this would appear to be her.

From the study's intro:

1.5 Opening Reflexive Statement
This is a love story. How on earth did I get here? I had a perfectly serviceable life. I was bimbling along just fine, thank you. But for the people I cared for as a Professional Mummy (PM), their lives weren’t always so great. This research is the story of what happened when that knowledge became too great to bear. I accidently became a PM when a dear friend revealed their Little side to me, and, being as poor as the proverbial church mouse, I reasoned caring for Littles would be an easy way to make rent whilst I studied to become a psychotherapist.

The original premise for this line of work was an assumption that my friend, whose juvenile self was of a non-sexual nature, would unlikely be the only AB with a drive to be nurtured. I was proved correct in this assumption, something of a revelation considering any internet search appeared to cater solely to kinksters, fetishists and those seeking sexual services.

This part seemed a bit too unformal for an academic paper, but I like that it makes her seem real and I appreciate hearing about her background. She continues:

Following guidance from my psychotherapeutic accrediting body, the United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP), and my then supervisor, I created a new identity entirely separate from my psychotherapy practice, known as Grace Rogers, or ‘MG’ (Mummy Grace) for short. That was circa nine years ago and now I have an internationally recognised presence within the ABDL community (Grace, n.d.a).

 

[BobbiSueEllen]

She doesn't seem to have a presence here. DPF is dead and DailyDiapers is a joke. Where else is there? Seems odd...

 

[DiaperedTeddyBear]

Through her work as a PM, she realized that some of us were not being fairly or accurately portrayed or represented in the media or academia.

When I looked to academia to help me gain a better understanding of the drives and gratifications of this non-sexual AB subgroup, I consistently failed to find literature which recognised the unique characteristics of this client group as they presented to me (see Chapter Two). My experience with these clients demonstrated time and again they did not fit the academically sanctioned view of ABs; unlike how the majority of academic papers categorised these clients, they were not seeking a sexual or fetishistic encounter. For them, any form of sex whilst embodying their AB state would equate to child abuse.

It's interesting that she included this part, since I've posted about this on ADISC in the past. When I'm in little space, making things sexual kind of feels like child abuse and it hurts my little side.

As a PM I heard consistent stories from AB clients of enduring traumatic formative events and environments; I was told tales of horrific abuse and neglect, of being boarding school survivors and adoptees. The stories they shared with me were tales of developmental trauma, but more than that - these were narratives of survival with, at their core, messages of hope and redemption. These were people who, as children, had found a novel way to survive the unconscionable. Clients described wearing diapers, sucking on dummies and playing with toys in order to feel better. I recognised these clients presented with similar regressive processes present for the clients in my psychotherapeutic work. Eventually, this led me to hypothesise that for some ABs ACEs imbued a second juvenile self, the object of which was to ameliorate overwhelming affect.

As I posted earlier in this thread though, it doesn't have to be something horrifyingly traumatic like child sexual abuse. Adverse Childhood Experiences can be things that adult caregivers wouldn't consider particularly traumatizing, such as the birth of a new sibling, but to a developing child's mind it can be extremely traumatic.

I’m not sure if this describes the origins of your interests but if it does, then we have something in common. I don’t view my childhood as being at all traumatic but certain more subtle, seemingly innocent behaviors of our parents do have long term affects.

It does, and I think it's a common experience of ABDLs. As adults we've forgotten most of our childhood memories, so it's easy to assume that we didn't have much childhood trauma, especially if our parents were mostly good people and tried their best to raise us, despite their flaws. But just like kids are afraid of the dark or the monster under the bed, childhood emotions don't often make sense to adult minds.

I did have some ACEs involving not feeling enough love from my parents. Most of memories of those experiences have faded, but the way I chose to deal with those experiences, the diapers, are still with me.