Vanilla doesn’t seem to cut it. Need advice.

[PurposefulDuck]

So I‘m in the midst of a sort of powder keg.. I have the potential for a large issue, and for now I’m basically just letting things take their course. I wanted to get some opinions if I could though.

I am dating a wonderful vanilla girl, been together about 4.5 years, and we have been very happy, she knows about my abdl side and is pretty okay with it, it’s never been something she chooses, I have to ask. That’s not exactly terrible, I know many would kill for that kind of situation. Simply to not be reviled is the goal of most abdls, acceptance is never assumed for us! However, my girlfriend and I don’t really share any hobbies and we have a fairly boring way of doing things. But there are no issues here, the biggest disagreement we have ever had was because I smoked one cigarette. We mesh well, and she and I have been getting more and more serious. However, I just feel like a big part of me is missing, I’m a very kinky person, And Anything like that was hard fought and won.

The reason I’m posting however, is because about a month ago I met an abdl online, she lives in my area, and we have been chatting for about a month now. As it turns out we have an ungodly list of things in common: music, hobbies, humor, habits (we haven’t really talked much about kink, I’m Kinda just assuming that we will probably find common ground When That comes up). Honestly I haven’t ever found someone who has such similar interests, and demeanor towards life. I’m an absolute weirdo as I’m sure someone reading this probably also understands. I don’t think she or I have interest in meeting In person soon, for me I just wouldn’t want to lie and I don’t think I can tell my girlfriend yet, for her I think she has some anxieties about strangers (as any normal adult would). The chatting has been pretty platonic and I do have plenty of girl friends I already text and talk with, so that isn’t really out of ordinary for me. The most questionable thing is that we have exchanged a few photos of us in dips. But there’s no sexual talk or anything like that.

My issue is basically, do I just stay friends with this new abdl and kinda hide it, do I try to explain the friendship to my girlfriend (who may understand)... Or (insert your option here). I don’t think I can break up with my girlfriend over a friendship, I love her, we live together and we are building a life. My hang up is, for me I feel like it’s every ABDL’s dream to find another of their preferred gender and explore an abdl relationship, it’s at least a dream of mine, and I don’t know if I will be able to forgive myself if I don’t at least see what this friendship could be. I don't ever plan on cheating, so if it were going to shift I would initiate a breakup for her sake.
Please if you have any advice that would be awesome. For now I’m going to continue being friends, and see what happens but, I can’t shake the feeling this is a bit untoward.

 

[Seasonedcitizen]

You have been dating for 4.5 years. You haven't developed enough interests together to make the relationship permanent. The new friend has more in common with you. Dating both is not going to work well. Sit down and decide what you want in a partner, what you are comfortable in giving up, etc. before you decide.

 

[CrazySmoker]

I had very unhealthy relationship with very similar story. Today I'm still asking myself what I was drinking and smoking in 2007...

Of course, It ended (and not very good) and after that all, better to have liberty of (s)election.

 

[KitsuneFox]

I live in a fully ABDL household ... being in an environment where diapers are 100% normalized is very liberating and far less stressful .

 

[WeakEndPartyPerson]

Don't two-time, that's the only advice I can give.
-
GISW

 

[littlemoosey]

So many things have gone through my mind as I was reading this.

The first was your gut is telling you although things are good with your current GF, they are not perfect... but then again after the bloom falls off of the rose no relationship is perfect. However, this "unique character trait" that you have although not disdained by your current GF is not shared by either of you. As most on this site will attest, AB/DL is not something easily shed and it usually sticks with you for life in some form. Right now your current GF says it is "OK" and you are correct most would kill for at least tacit approval of their SO, yet allot of these guys/gals are already married and many SO's did not know until after the fact. So they are somewhat stuck in loveless frustrating relationships.

You on the other hand have allot of time invested in your current GF... but even at that you are putting yourself out there looking for someone more compatible. Your gut is telling you things are not exactly what you are looking for. Your mind is rationalizing and saying well... we have been together for a long time... she at least accepts this...we live together... .

Now lets fast forward and you marry your current GF. You do know that the dynamic will change and she will realize that she has allot of power. What if she asks you to give diapers AB/DL up? Or when children come along she is not comfortable with this anymore and wants you and this completely out of sight out of mind... the reasons are too many to count. So then you go out seeking a kindred spirit, someone who "understands you"... If you think breaking up now would be messy it will not compare to the divorce or staying in a loveless marriage because you are afraid of being outed in a divorce and all that would entail.

The fact that you are here looking for tacit approval tells you all that you need to know... I think that you know deep down although you might have feelings for your current GF... she is not the one, especially if you can find one that is more compatible. This not about what are your favorite colors and you just cant marry her because she likes red and you love blue. AB/DL is pretty out there for most people.

Where couple dynamics are involved, it seems that in most cases on these boards that if the SO had to be convinced, cajoled, or drug into acceptance it does not go well in the long run and can eventually just lead to heartache and loneliness. I only know of one relationship on this board where one partner ever came around in a good way. That is 1. The majority of the stories are the opposite end of the spectrum. There are a few success stories but they pale in mumbers to the loneliness, looking and frustration stories.

I think that right now you are settling for your current GF as you are afraid something better may never come around. Now something possibly has... and you are at a cross roads on just how far to investigate. Trust me, if your current GF finds out about your new friend with like minded hobbies, she will be more than threatened and will either give you the ultimatum or make promises that she will regret later. This new friend in the final analysis may not be it... but I do not think that your current GF is either if she was you wouldn't be here.

 

[pampers4U]

Honesty is the best approach, first be honest with yourself, then be honest with others, would the second girl be a fling then you would have nothing at the end? Is it fair to speculate / daydream about the other girl and give no inclination that the current relationship is in trouble, without saying something ahead of time?

 

[PurposefulDuck]

Talk about food for thought everyone! littlemoosey that was an especially solid response.

First thing, you’re all right to a certain degree on my own feelings towards my relationship, we have been continuously making more and more serious moves, but I’m always hesitant and I tend to go the least committed direction. I think my main hang ups are that she will never see it coming if I were to break it off and our lives are intertwined with family and all sorts of stuff.

You’re right that nothing may come from this friendship, but that that isn’t really the crux of the issue, it’s that this will always be something I want whether it’s this person or another.

I’m don’t believe it’s fair to speculate/daydream when I’m committed to her. It just feels like he only option when I think about how our friends and family might react to a break up.. there just won’t be a good reason for the break up. I’m not going to come out in the process so nobody is going to get it. I really don’t want to be an asshole in everyone’s mind. She is an absolute peach of a person.

Do I think she intends to make abdl off limits if we get married, no, but will she? You’re right that it’s a possibility, and it’s probably one of thereasons I’ve always said I don’t want to be married in general.

This definitely provides some perspective, I am going to continue being friends with the person I met, but I’m going to start taking serious stock of my current relationship and try to decide if I will ever be fulfilled in it. And if I won’t Or can’t be, Then I start planning my escape?

 

[Kashmir]

Here is what I can tell you u have a trap layed before you and going further with this will spring it so that said..... you better be willing to lose one or both because I tell you now men and women share mutual attraction whether you see it now with this girl or not. If you are willing to lose everything put all your chips on the table and spin that wheel....if it were me id run from this before id lose my wife pray and ask God for direction.

 

[Subtlerustle]

What a conundrum. At the very least this new friendship has shined a light on what’s important to you. Maybe you need to have a heart to heart with your GF and speak about each other’s long term needs. I get the feeling that the abdl discussion in your relationship is unfinished. You’ll need this clarity to make the right decisions. If break up ensues shortly after it’ll be awkward but you need all the facts. In the meantime your new friendship is platonic so stay true to those morals and you will have a clear conscience.

 

[Kashmir]

I really think the opposite

What a conundrum. At the very least this new friendship has shined a light on what’s important to you. Maybe you need to have a heart to heart with your GF and speak about each other’s long term needs. I get the feeling that the abdl discussion in your relationship is unfinished. You’ll need this clarity to make the right decisions. If break up ensues shortly after it’ll be awkward but you need all the facts. In the meantime your new friendship is platonic so stay true to those morals and you will have a clear conscience.

Sharing pictures of underwear is not platonic it crosses the line of trust between partners especially fetishsized photos nuntheless

 

[Subtlerustle]

I see your point mojo.

 

[Kashmir]

So I‘m in the midst of a sort of powder keg.. I have the potential for a large issue, and for now I’m basically just letting things take their course. I wanted to get some opinions if I could though.

I am dating a wonderful vanilla girl, been together about 4.5 years, and we have been very happy, she knows about my abdl side and is pretty okay with it, it’s never been something she chooses, I have to ask. That’s not exactly terrible, I know many would kill for that kind of situation. Simply to not be reviled is the goal of most abdls, acceptance is never assumed for us! However, my girlfriend and I don’t really share any hobbies and we have a fairly boring way of doing things. But there are no issues here, the biggest disagreement we have ever had was because I smoked one cigarette. We mesh well, and she and I have been getting more and more serious. However, I just feel like a big part of me is missing, I’m a very kinky person, And Anything like that was hard fought and won.

The reason I’m posting however, is because about a month ago I met an abdl online, she lives in my area, and we have been chatting for about a month now. As it turns out we have an ungodly list of things in common: music, hobbies, humor, habits (we haven’t really talked much about kink, I’m Kinda just assuming that we will probably find common ground When That comes up). Honestly I haven’t ever found someone who has such similar interests, and demeanor towards life. I’m an absolute weirdo as I’m sure someone reading this probably also understands. I don’t think she or I have interest in meeting In person soon, for me I just wouldn’t want to lie and I don’t think I can tell my girlfriend yet, for her I think she has some anxieties about strangers (as any normal adult would). The chatting has been pretty platonic and I do have plenty of girl friends I already text and talk with, so that isn’t really out of ordinary for me. The most questionable thing is that we have exchanged a few photos of us in dips. But there’s no sexual talk or anything like that.

My issue is basically, do I just stay friends with this new abdl and kinda hide it, do I try to explain the friendship to my girlfriend (who may understand)... Or (insert your option here). I don’t think I can break up with my girlfriend over a friendship, I love her, we live together and we are building a life. My hang up is, for me I feel like it’s every ABDL’s dream to find another of their preferred gender and explore an abdl relationship, it’s at least a dream of mine, and I don’t know if I will be able to forgive myself if I don’t at least see what this friendship could be. I don't ever plan on cheating, so if it were going to shift I would initiate a breakup for her sake.
Please if you have any advice that would be awesome. For now I’m going to continue being friends, and see what happens but, I can’t shake the feeling this is a bit untoward.

Really I'd have to be honest if you love your wife I'd say cut off this second relationship because truthfully your in the process of ruining the one you already have

Ok not sure what you into but go home have a night of passionate sex with your wife and there after when you are laying there together totally intimate totally exposed to one completely giving yourselves to eachother .....ask your self do I want to ruin this ...do I want to lose this....do I really need more... she loves me she takes care of me....what kind of man would I be to chase after somthing I saw on line.... how would this make her feel....how much would I hurt her by doing this.

In the end I pray you make the right decision all it takes is to compromise on this one thing if you go to meet this woman I assure you you will make another compromise and it will lead to another

As men we tend to think with our dicks dont let yours get you into trouble! That's why I tell you to go home and make love to your wife

 

[PurposefulDuck]

Thank you everyone for the input, this has provided a helpful and much needed perspective. I’m still not sure of anything, but I’ll be sure to post if I ruin my life

 

[littlemoosey]

You can always give up the AB/DL. I did for over 30 years cold turkey. I did not know all that you know, I had no support groups to talk to, I thought that I was the only person in the world like this, and like you had the perfect girl. I just never thought that she could handle this. Turns out I was wrong. After 30 years I told her, I was one of the lucky ones she embraced this side of me whole heartedly, but then again we had a solid although not perfect 30 years going in. It could have gone the other way for me, the opening was there and I just took a chance. Things for us are really good now, and I am a much happier person now.

You are young, you have time. The fact that you are here asking questions means that you are aware and being thoughtful. Dont do anything rash, and if you keep the electronic relationship going you need to be very discreet and be ready for the worst case scenario if your full time GF finds out.

 

[Flowstate]

Hi , purposefulduck .
These kinds of questions are something of double edged sword.
first things first in my opinion when you started the conversation with this local Abdl girl you must have been looking for it.
that gives me the impression you don’t feel fully comfortable or accepted by your current relationship.
Kink feelings are very much a part of your personality and to keep a healthy relationship going you need to scratch the itch once in a while.
Don’t get hung up on unrealistic expectations though.
Having a Relationship that’s healthy and balanced means you have to put in the work.
In these times of social media Its easy to get influenced by al these great stories and views into other people’s lives.
Sure there are some actual real life fairytales out there , but most relationships are based on truth trust and enjoying each others company.
The work you put in wil reward you with a more fur filling relationship.
Word of advice, don’t dig yourself into an emotional trap, you spent the better half of 4 years investing into your girlfriend. I think you owe her some time and effort to get more involved with your kink feelings.
That also means telling her what you feel and asking her how she feels, so you can grow together into something more meaningful.
its really hard to be emotionally transparent but trust me it’s the best way to reach a better place in a relationship.
Only time will tell if both of your efforts will be fruitful.
Dont spoil it by expecting quick results. Truthfully a big part of exploring each other’s boundaries means you’re going to be disappointed sometimes. It’s how you reach a meaningful understanding. Being dependable and truthful about your feelings are an absolute must in developing Into a great partner.
Steal a little piece of her heart every day and she might turn into the best thing that ever happened to you.

 

[PurposefulDuck]

first things first in my opinion when you started the conversation with this local Abdl girl you must have been looking for it.

One thing, I actually didn’t start the discourse, she reached out on a platform I had put up a photo on, i was just looking to see if people liked the photo And I Made her aware pretty quick I am in a relationship. I know those photos are morally ambiguous At best, I mean she asked if I wanted to see it and my poor brain exploded. Cute as heck.. it was really hard to say no.

I put new friend on ice, I’m not gonna ghost her even if the photos might have been a bad call. But I’m gonna cut down to very few if any messages For the time being.

I am happy with my current girlfriend, and I know I’m lucky to have such a good one. I think I owe her a lot. That doesn’t change how I can’t settle for Infrequent albeit really good sex.

Say If I try Again to get my girlfriend involved in this sorta kinky stuff, and I make it clear it’s something I may not be willing to budge on. I doubt she will enjoy it, and she might just be forcing herself. I’m know she is head over heels for me and would probably do almost anything... but I know for a fact she doesn’t want to do the things I want. I know for some that may be a turn on but I find consent really fucking hot And I find coercion to be a massive turn off.

Im gonna give it a good shot and try to figure this out. Probably gonna have to try to decide on an answer for “Is having abdl a part of my life worth losing a life partner I love?”

talk about nausea inducing

 

[PeeJayTee]

I'm 58 and have been divorced twice. My divorces had nothing to do with ab/dl like I initially thought. What they did have to do with was much deeper than that. I chose women who were very insecure and did not have the ability to face their own demons that arise only in a committed relationship after the newness wears off and the real work begins. I thought I was going to be the one to fix them and make them happy and with much patience and effort finally gave up realizing that only they can make themselves happy. With my last marriage we rushed in and got to know each other after we were married and she was so insecure that she was threatened by my kinks thinking it was replacing her. Because of that I never came out completely about my actual love for wearing diapers. I was like you and was able to put them aside because I loved the relationship part of what we had. The things we did have in common, the commitment and the contentment. I'd put out the feelers about me wearing diapers here and there but she reacted so negatively every time I just gave up. Right off the bat when we met though I was upfront about being turned on by her wetting herself and she did it here and there but because of the way she was it would start to be used against me in our arguments. As much as I tried to educate her about my kinks she had none of her own and was so insecure and closed minded she just did not have the ability to understand it. She called me selfish when it was actually her who was being selfish. I did a lot of work and went to counseling to finally figure that out. She did that with everything though and over time she slowly pushed me away. I tried multiple times to have a heart to heart with her but she was so closed minded that it always ended in an argument with her blaming me for everything.

I'm mentioning all of this for this reason:

After 4 1/2 years in your relationship the newness has definitely worn off so my advice is to think about it this way and start here:

Take the ab/dl out of the mix for a second and think about your actual relationship and connection with this woman you are with. Can you both communicate in a healthy way at the deepest level? Can you both be 100% open and honest with each other about everything that is part of you and who you are and explore each others desires together? Do you both want to spend the rest of your lives together? If the answer is no then move on because in time it will end anyway. If the answer is yes than you have a keeper and you should have your freedom to satisfy your ab/dl side as well as satisfy her needs as well. Both parties need to have the freedom to be themselves even if that means you can enjoy it alone. That's the key. If you want to wear a diaper and she doesn't, you wear it. If she wants to go visit a friend in another state but you can't or don't want to then she goes anyway because it's important to her and shouldn't be bothered that you're not into it. But there's also times where you should put yourself aside and do things you don't want to do for the other person just because you love them and want them to be happy. My dog is cooped up in the house all day Monday-Friday while I'm at work and there are times where I really don't feel like taking him for his 3 mile walk every other day because I am tired but I do it for him because I know he needs it to be happy. He's a retriever and he needs to do the things that satisfy his breed. It's the same in a relationship and again the key is open, honest communication and trust.

As far as your ab/dl female friend you have no idea how she is in an actual relationship so I would not start anything with her unless you answered no to the question above. If you answered yes to the question above then I would think you'd no longer have a desire to communicate with her because you made a commitment to someone else and your desires are being satisfied. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

Those are my thoughts.

P.S. It may have been me you were referring to that mentioned the Dream A Little Podcasts because I have mentioned it here.

 

[Subtlerustle]

I’m with you @PurposefulDuck. Coercion is a turn off and I think you’re on the right path. Time to have that talk about fulfilling each other’s needs over the long haul. Honestly, it’s a good conversation with or without kink. Even if you initiate the discussion, you will both benefit in the long run. Regardless, you have to be 100% honest and not be afraid.
Btw, one thing about your new friend that needs consideration from the information you’ve provided is the possibility of being catfished. Can you be sure the picture of the girl you’re conversing with is the one in the picture? Just a thought.

 

[Cottontail]

I’m still not sure of anything, but I’ll be sure to post if I ruin my life

Maybe post if you don't, too. I mean... this doesn't have to be just a bad news forum, after all.

I can sympathize with your situation in the abstract. Bit less of a fork in the road for me, but some of the inner struggles are still present. I've been married 21 years, have a "vanilla" wife, two kids, lots of generally good stuff going on. In short: I'm happy. Wife is mostly at peace with the diapers, but we don't talk about them. I do need some interaction with other ABDLs though, which is why I'm here and on other forums.

Over the years, I've cultivated a couple of what I'll call "ABDL pen pal" relationships. These are people with whom I regularly discuss diapers, baby stuff, and related (mis)adventures. One of those does happen to be female. No talking about sex, no photos, all strictly platonic. That said, I'm quite sure wife wouldn't understand, and if our roles were reversed, I suppose I'd have a hard time understanding also. There's just this assumption that spouses should be the answers to each other's every need. Unfortunately, when it comes to fringe stuff like ABDL, that assumption just isn't reasonable.

That said, you still want to set yourself up so that you and your (prospective) spouse are mutually satisfied far more often than not, and I suppose this thread arises from doubt that you are in fact doing that. I can only think to suggest, as others have, that you try to stand back and be brutally honest with yourself about what happiness means to you, and whether you're heading toward it more than you are away. Characterizing your current relationship as "boring" and as missing a big part of you... That's definitely cause for pause. On the other hand, my own experiences with diapers have shown me that trying to suppress this stuff makes it seem like a bigger part of you than it really is. You'll be different, of course, but perhaps if you revisit the diaper thing with your SO and try to make a little more room for it, you'll find that it becomes less of a preoccupation and balance will be restored.

Here's hoping.